Saturday, January 26, 2013

Sabotage


Since I can remember making resolutions or promises to myself I have had the same two reoccurring themes. Quit smoking and lose weight. 
I realize both of these things contribute to an early grave yet still I continue. Why? 
Now that Zachary is in the picture, you would think these two things would be easy to quit so I can be around for all his great milestones. 
Yet still...
I haven't really suffered from severe depression. I have my days that I figure the world would be better without me or that I am tired of the daily struggles and just want some peace. Depression runs in the family. 
I look at my mom and I am saddened. She has all the knowledge to lose weight, had gastric bypass and tries every quick fix in the book yet still can't seem to lose weight. I blame her a lot for my struggles even though I know it's unfair. I know I have control of my own actions. 
So I had a bit of an epiphany.  A realization of the thoughts that go through my head as I partake in these particular demons. Most times I just say to myself "what's the use, I am going to fail anyway!" But then there is that plaguing innermost thought that I am going to die anyway so why not. 
So even though I have no immediate plans to put a gun to my head I am committing a slow and steady suicide. I don't feel like I am strong enough to resist, based on my track record I am not. But above all I don't feel I have any worth. I am not worth it. So my struggle with smoking and weight is less about addiction but more about my view of myself. 
Somewhat enlightening. But strong enough if an epiphany to promote change? We shall see I guess. 

Much love--

Monday, June 18, 2012

Been a long time

You would think with everything that has gone on In my life that this blog would be busting at the seams. Unfortunately time just slips out of my fingers and days, weeks, months go by and it seems like my whole world changes but I stay the same. I am still wrestling the same demons and losing the fight. If I was winning then there would be something to brag about. Since my last post I have become a nurse, a mother, a friend and a more devoted wife. Each day is hard though. I look to the mirror and I still see a failure. I still see all my weakness and self doubt. I feel like most days I am merely trying to keep my head above water. I don't have anymore to give to myself. I am not really sure anymore who I am or who I want to be. I have lost my faith and I think that the consequences of that penetrate everything else.

I feel a bit lost. Not sure what direction I should go in. And honestly I think I am more riding coattails then making my own path true.


Much love--
c

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Yak Yak Yak Zac

Having a little chat with Grammy Yoder

video

video

Monday, January 03, 2011

Embarrassing....?

Today we were checking out at hardware store and the cashier asked me when my baby was due. Of course I was so shocked I could only reply sweetly that I am not pregnant. I guess I should feel better that I look like I have an excuse to be fat

Friday, December 24, 2010

Sydney Australia




Here is a picture from Bondi beach in Sydney.

Go to http://www.flickr.com/photos/alycepaige/ to see the rest.