How quickly we forget the grace of God and His mercies renewed for us. How complacent we sit in out forgiveness, as if it was entitled for us rather than given in love with the utmost sacrifice. We suppress our true emotions in fear of judgement from others. We think they will judge us and our foolishness and look with distain. However, I think those around us crave to see genuine thanksgiving, genuine surrender, genuine submission and overall to see God move in and around us. It illustrates how real He is. The testimony of praising despite ourselves, our insecurities, our failures, our situation and circumstance could change lives and their perspective of a Living God. If we can sit stagnant then how can they see Him? Everyone is different. Each personality is different. Some people are shy, some outgoing and vibrant and each experiences God differently at different times and different seasons of life. I may cry (which I often do), I may drop to my knees, I may stand in quiet, I may (though unlikely) shout and raise my hands. More often than not I am barefoot, cause am I not on Holy ground in His presence? But lets think of how I would act at a baseball game, a football game, my childs events? How would I cheer, shout jump or praise then? But thats in a different context isn't it? Its more 'acceptable' to act a fool in public at sporting event! Or is it because we are less focused on the peanut gallery and could care less what people thought? I am thankful to a Living God for all He does. He has brought healing, peace, joy, protection, health, salvation, love, forgiveness, grace...the list goes on forever of all He does. There is no reason not to praise Him. I guess most of the time I am too bogged down with my own issues and focused on me and mine. I do struggle with the concept of praising though. Do I HAVE to raise my hands? Will God not see me if I don't? Do I have to sing? Do I have to dance or sway? Can I not just stand still? Can I not just stand and cry and weep with no words to say except the grunting sounds I can sometimes get out? I guess God will have to work on this with me.
Since I can remember making resolutions or promises to myself I have had the same two reoccurring themes. Quit smoking and lose weight.
I realize both of these things contribute to an early grave yet still I continue. Why?
Now that Zachary is in the picture, you would think these two things would be easy to quit so I can be around for all his great milestones.
I haven't really suffered from severe depression. I have my days that I figure the world would be better without me or that I am tired of the daily struggles and just want some peace. Depression runs in the family.
I look at my mom and I am saddened. She has all the knowledge to lose weight, had gastric bypass and tries every quick fix in the book yet still can't seem to lose weight. I blame her a lot for my struggles even though I know it's unfair. I know I have control of my own actions.
So I had a bit of an epiphany. A realization of the thoughts that go through my head as I partake in these particular demons. Most times I just say to myself "what's the use, I am going to fail anyway!" But then there is that plaguing innermost thought that I am going to die anyway so why not.
So even though I have no immediate plans to put a gun to my head I am committing a slow and steady suicide. I don't feel like I am strong enough to resist, based on my track record I am not. But above all I don't feel I have any worth. I am not worth it. So my struggle with smoking and weight is less about addiction but more about my view of myself.
Somewhat enlightening. But strong enough if an epiphany to promote change? We shall see I guess.
You would think with everything that has gone on In my life that this blog would be busting at the seams. Unfortunately time just slips out of my fingers and days, weeks, months go by and it seems like my whole world changes but I stay the same. I am still wrestling the same demons and losing the fight. If I was winning then there would be something to brag about. Since my last post I have become a nurse, a mother, a friend and a more devoted wife. Each day is hard though. I look to the mirror and I still see a failure. I still see all my weakness and self doubt. I feel like most days I am merely trying to keep my head above water. I don't have anymore to give to myself. I am not really sure anymore who I am or who I want to be. I have lost my faith and I think that the consequences of that penetrate everything else.
I feel a bit lost. Not sure what direction I should go in. And honestly I think I am more riding coattails then making my own path true.
Today we were checking out at hardware store and the cashier asked me when my baby was due. Of course I was so shocked I could only reply sweetly that I am not pregnant. I guess I should feel better that I look like I have an excuse to be fat