Sunday, October 31, 2004

slacker

yes i know...i am a slacker...for those that read this religiously i am sorry i am letting ya down (actually i am not, but life needs some simple pleasantries).
this one is going to be short....and requires a little participation.
1. God told me today that i am unique and funny...that is awesome! He is pretty cool Himself
2. i have found that i have a very hard time recieving love, from people in general (which is why i need constant affirmation of their approval) but more importantly and most disheartening is that i have a hard time recieving GOD's LOVE and ACCEPTANCE!! i know in my mind that truth; that He loves me unconditionally and accepts me as i am, but i still struggle to have my heart and mind think on the same terms. i love God, He is awesome. I have accepted Him and He has done amazing things in my life. But still in the midst of all that i hold back from Him my most prized possession...my heart. I know He will be kind and gentle. I just have a hard time accepting that He loves me as i am today and that i dont have to do some sort of major overhaul to recieve that affirmation from Him.
Here is where you come in....Do you have any advice on how to experience in my heart what i know is truth in my head!?!?!?!
leave some love!
c.ALIce

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

transition

I have one of those days where I really want to be someone else. I feel like it is a waste of time to sit here at this computer, but each time I am here I am learning something new….but it is so unproductive most days. I stare at the screen and try to think of something creative to do….and end up just staring at it all day. Sometimes I just feel really unmotivated. My heart says yes, my mind says yes and my body says “hell no!” I think about where I wanted to be a year ago…I have come a long way, but it just seems like the road will never end. Sorta like dealing with my struggles, I figure once I deal with them, there will just be more lined up right behind in a never-ending winding line of things to deal with…so I figure if I don’t deal with the ones on the surface, I wont have to go any deeper,
Today I am very frustrated with God. I feel like He just keeps on disappointing me. Its because he doesn’t do what I pray for. Its like he is ignoring me….payback time or something? I don’t expect to get everything I pray for, but I think that there is some sort of give and receive policy (which is TOTALLY not the case). He gives regardless of me, yet I give back in condition to what I receive. I am such a hypocrite! Someone said once that you need to “expect” god to do something, well in my brain, I expect him to give me all the answers regardless of whether or not I ask or seek.
I really don’t like having days off. I think that I feel like my life and security lies in my job (granted I love my job too). I feel bad when I don’t work, thinking I am lazy or something. The expectations that I force onto myself are far above and beyond what anyone else may expect of me. I am very harsh on myself and tend to take a lot out on me. I figure if I take the blame for everything, I wont have to continually go through those “conflict resolution” talks. I have this extreme vision in my head of this incredible person I am supposed to be and I fall short and fail at any attempt to begin to be anything like her.
Ya know, I have awesome friends. New and old, they are amazing to me. I find It very hard to create new relationships with people, and if you have read my blog before, especially guys, but I am so over it. I have made some quality relationships lately, I am not talking about the run of the mill someone to hang out with acquaintances. I am talking about lifetime relationships. I see the people to be in my life for a very long time. Which I think is more of a treasure and a gift than to be the most popular with the most toys and tons of friends, but to have those genuine friendships with people that truly care and love you, and respect you and your heart regardless of where you are in life. Some people have one or two of those people, I am blessed with many!!! I try very hard not to take them for granted and let them know how much I do truly recognize and appreciate their friendships.
I don’t have much to complain about if I think about it. Funny how I can start this with one attitude and end with another…sometimes I just need to vent to come back to where I need to be and know the joys I do possess.
I am still struggling. I am still frustrated with God. I am anxious and nervous. I still portray that “hard ass” persona…I still have no idea where people get that idea!!
I am having my birthday party on Saturday and I am very excited of those that have decided to come. My friend steph is driving up from Georgetown, and I cant wait to see her. I hope that kadie will come, I miss her. Of course all my new found friends….better not stand me up!! I think it will be a good time…meet new friends and be with old ones. I am very excited. I am also going to this prayer training thing at my church on Saturday and I am anxious to hear from God….everyone please pray that my heart will be softened to hear and accept him. I just really want someone incredible to happen, I am expecting God to do something extra-ordinary, please don’t disappoint me lord!
It will be a good weekend. I hope that colin jen Kevin and will come…I would love to get to know them better. I am getting better. sometimes I seriously think I am manic-depressive….i just get into these funks…in certain situations. But in my element….in my niche….i am something else. I just wish I always felt like I was in my niche…yaknow?
I think I am done actually
c.ALIce

Sunday, October 24, 2004

sucks

it really sucks when you like someone and they dont like you back.....
i guess that is life.
i watched the Patriots today....by far my favorite football team, sorry for all you bengals fans...i just got no respect! of course the pats won...21 games in a row!! i would marry tom brady, but i am sure that we would not be compatible in person and that he has got like swarms of beautiful girls..and i am not keyed up on his spiritual journey...like reading what he tells magazines would be believable anyway!
i had a long weekend....did a tailgate party for ed rodgerson...i dont think i would ever want to be that rich, seems like the more money you have the more things you have to have and the more you compromise on the basics. nothing against him..he's cool, just thinking about it.
i am really tired today, which i would think would make me want to write a whole bunch, defenses down and all, no real inhibitions, but i think i would rather sleep.
ya ever start a new diet like every day!?!?! for some reason i feel like my body is just not good enough....like my personality can be exceptional but some people dont "notice" me because of my body...dont get me wrong i am cute and adorable, and no way like 300 pounds, but still i feel like i dont measure up....DAMN IT!! when will i ever stop comparing myself to others and being disappointed by people all the time! there is a lot of pressure to look like all beautiful and stuff, and seems like the personality comes second....dont people just look down the road and see that in 20 years, no one is going to be near to perfect...the added menopause weight, wrinkles, glasses....and whatever else life throws at ya...people are dumb, i take that back..guys are dumb! oh well, not all...but if it wasnt a mass majority..i am beginning to think they just dont get it! i mean i am clueless...but they are far beyond me in just plain ignorance! i love boys!! one day i will have one to put up with me.
pity party for me....i just wish "he" would call....but he doesnt read this crap i write on here, so it is not like he even has a clue! ya know...i am usually not a boy-fanatic...i have my occasions crushes, but as a friend would say "girl, you are crushing hard" i dont need words of encouragment that one day "he" will come..i know he will....just tired its not like anyone HASNT been there...everyone has had that longing...its natural, and the fact i write about it (more than anything else it seems) is 1. because it is fresh on my brain 2. there is really no closure yet 3. you actually read it! i just think "he" is great. being his friend would actually suffice i think...IF HE WOULD EVER CALL!! EMAIL!! IM!!! just something! tomorrow i will be done with it. It is all in his hands now.
ever have those days where you just want to crawl up and die! it is rare for me....mainly on days where i feel really worthless and unimportant, or those days where i am humbled. i cant imagine what people think about me..just by reading a blog online...those people really have no idea who i am...hell, i dont even know who i am!! i have been discouraged lately by people telling me that my dream of a city-wide young adult ministry is near impossible...who the hell do they think they are to 1.doubt my desire 2. limit God.!?!??! they just want to make me want to give up and not even try...and i know i dont feel like i am in the best position in life to even go through with it...but if i relied on that excuse i would never get anything done!
i have really enjoyed spending time with my newest found friend becky..she is supercool and fun to hang out with. i dont feel like i have to impress her or walk on eggshells around her...its nice.
it is so quiet today. something i love about sundays...they are quiet and peaceful, especially when i dont have to work...it is the one day that is mine! my soul is weary. i just want a fresh start in my life. to take back all the stupid things away i do (that makes people think i am weird or psycho). i want to be pure again. i want to have an unbaised view on life. i want to be secure in who i am. the funny thing about wanting all those things is that Jesus provides all that, and yet i am scared to death to grab hold....what would happen to me if He actually broke my spirit. What if my prayers did come into life. what if i knew my purpose on earth beyond just the basics...what if i could hear him more clearly? What if i was more obedient? Would people still recognize me? its like i am afraid that if i truly give Him all of me, then He will take it from me...take things i love, people i love. things i do....and i am afraid that i will be so connected to Him that i will be disconnected from this person i am now (not that she is the best ever, but she is familiar). I shouldn't be afraid. I am unique either way, but it is just scary to have that kind of intimacy with someone...the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the failures, the insecuries. i cant even imagine that anytime soon in my personal life, more or less than my spiritual life (the funny thing is that i consider them seperate lives..._) He is really not apart of my personal life, yeah i take HIM into consideration a lot, but i cant say that i feel that my personal and spiritual lives are flawlessly intertwined. walls are hard to tear down. mine is like the great wall of China...and inside my walls are imprisonment, bondage, and suffering...gosh i am getting way metaphorical...like all poetic like...i am sure most have lost me already.
i think i am done...i am sure that i could go on all night..but i wont.
c.ALIce

Thursday, October 21, 2004

one of those days.....

ever had one of those days where everything seems to be against you. today is definately one of those days. i started last night when my mattress was soaked with rain water from earlier in the week, so i had to sleep with my sister. didnt sleep well, then i get woke up to figure out something on ebay (which i feel is becoming my life...one day without EBAY PLEASE!!) it sucks. some guy bitched me out because i decided not to sale to him (which was through email not ebay...i am not evil). so he brings up whether or not i went to church?! what does that have anything to do with renigging? under my understanding it was NOT a confirmed order, just an offer! but still, makes me feel like crap because i gave him a false impression of my character (or maybe a true impression, which is even scarier). i hate letting people down. i think i need a vacation, wait, my entire life is a vacation! i am pathetic. why do you even care?
i always want people to see that i have it all together but i am clueless. i think i act like a hard ass all the time so people wont know all my insecurites. i am needy. i am unworthy. i am clueless. i am dis-trusting. i am weak and frail. please dont look! but i am also strong. i am secure. i am faithful. i am worthy. i am trustworthy. i am still needy! maybe everyone is. (my need: to have constant affirmation of my worth).
ok i am done!!
c.ALIce
check out this site....it will make you smile!!
http://c.myspace.com/00024/17/31/24871371_s.gif

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

obsessive

have i ever mentioned to anyone that i am OBSESSIVE!! i try very hard not to be, it comes naturally, i get it from my mom!! i blame everything on my mom...anything i dont like about myself i blame on her! i am a big girl though, i have the power to change. there are many things in my life that i dont want to be. i dont want to be "that girl"...and i have hung out with guys enough to have a good idea what "that girl" is like. if you arent following, its ok...
anyway, enough about me....no wait, this is ALL ABOUT ME!! that is why i love it so much!! do you know i love the doors? they are awesome! no one has quite been able to master their style...their sex appeal...their legacy. i think if jim morrison were still alive today, he would still be ultra-cool...some old guy, still possessing that weird old guy sex appeal...no one quite compares..maybe mick jagger...although i dont think he even compares to jim morrison! i like so many different things, it is actually quite funny...last week i was totally diggin the old world jazz, rosemary clooney, louis armstrong, nancy sinatra etc etc and a bit of the roaring twenties. this week i am definately mixin it up with classic rock and country! next week i think i will probably delve into some hard rock, like godsmack or disturbed. i think i may have issues! =) just kidding, i am way cool!

still single

Somewhere along the way I figured out that I would'nt have what i wanted as far as guys go because i am attracted to the wrong ones, they are incredible men of God, sweet spirited, and handsome to nearly every woman they encounter. How will I ever compete with the beauty that surrounds me, why out of the mix would they choose me. I have beautiful friends. They are the ones that get the second glance. I am pretty, i have a good amount of confidence in my cuteness (ask anyone of my friends...they will no doubtably agree i think i am cute). Still, i think as anyone struggles (unless of course they are perfect) with self image. I am not gripping, or being down on myself. I just wonder sometimes if there will ever be that person that truly loves YOU, not what you look like. Will anyone be able to look past the few extra pounds (and by GOD give some grace for change), and see the character within. i totally understand that people have different types, they are attracted to different things all together. i just wonder sometimes why God has chosen for me to be single for so long. I really dont mind, i have learned not to settle for less...it was a hard lesson. Sometimes it is nice to know that there is someone there even if they arent in a way.
I am nieve, more than most my age i think, when it comes to dating and relationships with guys in general. all my friends 'cept one, are girls. i dont have many guy friends. no real reason why that i know of...i get along with them fine. Most of the time we have more in common with them than with my girls.
I trust that God will totally prepare my husband for me (maybe that is what is taking so long!). Now, i am content. just waiting for the one to be brave enough to ask me out!! in the meantime i want to grow and I want to be everything he needs as well. i want to concentrate on Jesus, yet do you know how hard that is when you see all your friends getting married?!?!
speaking of marriage. i went to my first catholic wedding last weekend. those people know how to have LONG weddings and how to drink! of course i was the designated driver (otherwise known as drunk duty). i dont mind though. i met some really cool people. i would like to hang out with them again. it felt comfortable, they were very welcoming, i wish more christians were like bar flys! to let down some inhibitions and just make friends.
another fun aspect of my trip: one of the groomsmen was totally crushing on me! there was nothing there,but it was nice for someone to be at least interested. i am not one that really likes guessing games. i want someone to tell me straight upfront, "hey, i like you and i want to get to know you better in hopes to have a relationship and eventually get married if it so happens" guys can be so weird sometimes. i want to be won over. make your intentions clear. i guess the problem with that is when i am not interested in them. i try to make my interest clear, but there is a fine line in being too forward and scaring potentials away or being clear enough (though the previous has never really happened to me). i dont tend to want a relationship (romantic) with many people, but when i do, i try to let them know. i can understand guys reservations with girls, girls can be mean and hateful, and i am sure they can only take so much rejection in a lifetime. it would make it easier to start a relationship with someone if there wasnt so many rules or inhibition. i want to feel ok with calling a guy, without feeling like i am on his nerves. i am being a such a girl!!! i know that God will be faithful and bring someone to me that is designed for me...i think i just tend to break my heart in all the hangups. wanna know the way to my heart? just ask!

Monday, October 18, 2004

beautiful

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
Count on the makeup to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep
Because I cannot keep their attention
Thought I could be strong
But it’s killing me

Does someone hear my cry
I’m dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won’t you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart
And I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
And beautiful

Bethany Dillon

Friday, October 15, 2004

Thursday, October 14, 2004

a heart issue

everyday i learn something new. everyday i learn how to love people more. everyday i learn how people are different. my passion is people. i have learned over the years to give grace to the differences. i glad that i am in a time in my life where there is so much ahead of me. i am anxious to see what God has in store. I am glad of the people that i encounter along the way that show me glimpses of the human spirit. people that are aware of their insecurities and letdowns, and grow from them, not hold on to them. circumstances and situations we encounter have a great impact on how we percieve life and other people. We have the choice in which to let our hurts be baggage or to live and learn. i tend to respect people more when they live and learn. God is gracious enough to heal our pain, we just have to be willing to give it to Him.
i am sure i have baggage, pretty much no doubt actually. as a friend would say i am "damaged goods" but i am better for it, if someone cant accept me because of it, then that is their loss.
ill still grow. i want to grow.
I am amazed how faithful God is to me. He is the only ever-constant thing in my life. He is everything i need,and the sooner i realize that, the less i will try to find myself in things i do and where i am. I have a prety good grasp on my insecurities and where they stemmed from. i am in a constant process of healing and redemption. it is part of the adventure.
the truth of the matter...
we pray to God as King David in Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God" and He returns to us this response...
"I will give you a NEW heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heard of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And i will put my spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." Ezekiel 36:26-27
what i noticed about that is that HE does it. He gives, He puts, He removes, He gives, He puts, He moves....He doesnt just clean up the battered and torn heart within us, He goes to the most expensive and most locked away parts of heaven and gets you a NEW heart. A shiny,bright, brand new, polished, and well kept heart. Is He just waiting for us to ask for it? that is something i am not sure about.
c.ALICE
"Jesus, Lover of my soul. REPLACE our hearts. Restore us completely unto You. Become everything we need and let us rely on You for our value and security. Allow us to recieve Your glory. Give to us Your victory. In Jesus name, amen"

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

face down in the surface of things

I dont want to play games. I am a good person. i am not used to having to force someone to let me know them. I had an experience the other day in which i asked a genuinely inquisitive question and i got refused an answer. It made me take a step back. I am not a very trusting person myself, but i rarely come across someone that doesnt trust me. it hurt, but i guess i have to realize that not all friendships are the same. and of course it was with a guy, so it makes me think that they are more difficult to get to know. i am being such a girl. i guess it just caught me off guard. this making NEW friends is harder than i thought. My process of friendships have been easier, i have friends that we just had a instant connection, i didnt feel like i had to work at it, i didnt have to give a 6 month grace period in order for them to feel more comfortable to share with me. People i have been meeting lately are so closed up and scared to death to experience anything new. Its like they dont want new friends, they are so content. i feel like i am doing major overhaul to them just to say hi. why is it so difficult?!?!? thank you to those that dont make it such a chore!! sometimes in the process of trying to get to know someone, i feel like i am more of a burden than a blessing...doesn't make me want to try hard ya know?
i cant force anyone to be my friend, yet i know by past experiences, i am one damn good friend.
dont worry babe, i didnt take it personally, i am over it, just caught me off guard.
I AM SO SICK OF SURFACE RELATIONSHIPS!!! can i please have ONE night where i have someone to sit with for hours and talk about everything...no expectations, no hiding! I am so beyond the hi, how are you....i want the "hi, let us pray together" it is not about finding a soulmate (in guy terms), it is about intense relationships. People that strive to go deeper with God, and live out their passions, and that arent afraid to be vulnerable. I have incredible friends, and i am not in any way taking that for granted...but i want more. it is my longing in life to dig deep into people's lives and encourage them, and i cant do that if i cant get past the polite pleasantries. maybe it is just me...sometimes i feel with certain people that they just dont want to associate with me because i am not a certain way, not pretty enough or wear the right outfits are drive the right cars, but that is just them being ignorant, because if they knew me beyond the surface, and if they saw the type of people that are my friends, they would SO want to know me. screw it...why should i try so hard if they arent going to give me the same respect.
i feel this way in more than just physical relationships, but also in my spiritual relationship. With God, i want to be intense, i want to fast and pray continually, i want to have my own prayer language with Him, i want to be used to heal people, i want to truly recognize and not be afraid of my spiritual gifts. i want to sit with HIM for hours and not feel uncomfortable or awkward and we could talk about everything, laugh and cry and really get to know each other. I want to be able to look at a stranger and hear God and walk up to them and speak God's love to them, and it be so personal and supernatural. I believe God still works like that. There arent many places where it is safe to act like that without people looking at you like you were kin to benny hinn. I want to be ravished by the Holy Spirit. It is not hokey....it is intense. My heart jumps in my chest at the thought of being that in-tune to HIM. The completeness, the wholeness, the mere knowledge of being near to HIM. I wish more than ever that my life would reflect my heart.
my favorite poem is in the sidebar! JOHNDONNEROCKS!!
c.ALIce
"Jesus, aficionado a mi alma, eres me amor. Tu eres hermoso. yo rogo por mis amigos nuevos y mis amigos viejos. abre los corazons de nuestros. ayudeme. eres fiel. damos fuerza. robe nuestro orgullo. en el nombre de Jesus, amen"

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

beauty holder

We are daughters of the Most High. You could probably say we are the Princesses of the Universe.

We are Daughters of the Most High. We are not judged or critiqued on earthly standards. God is big! He is perfect and gives the best gifts. Dont settle for less, wait and anticipate what Jesus will do for you because of His great love for you. He is not going to let you down. He will fulfill the desires of your heart (even though you may not know what they are yet). I am not sure i even know yet. Trust that He will keep His promises and continue to be faithful.

Dont let the world tell you what your value is...it is fickle and unfaithful. Your value is that of a treasured prize. You are a diamond in the rough. You are WORTH what HE is preparing for you. Jesus cherishes you. He considers you an essential aspect of Himself. He created you in beauty and grace, He doesnt screw up. Decide today to live in that.

coming into it

it has been an exciting weekend. i want to start a city-wide young adult ministry in cincinnati, and it seems to be coming together. people are coming forward and things are moving forward. it is way exciting for me because THIS is what gets my blood pumping. the first email i got said "they weren't interested", this was disheartening coming from a church, but that was it...now i have talked to 10 different people, and i know others that are interested. it is so exciting! i think i can say exciting one more time!!! He is INCREDIBLE...His ways are perfect and in perfect timing. I am ready for it, i am committed to it. I dont have anything holding me back. it will be awesome!! just wait and see...

Monday, October 11, 2004

simple thought

His mercy renews each morning...there is no yesterday to Him...He loves YOU, not your circumstance...KNOW that, if nothing else. Today is the day of salvation...

Inhale

I was talking to a friend last night that just reinterated my view about life's simplicity. It was a relief. For those that dont know, I dont think that life is all that complex, we just make it that way, partially because we wrestle with another world force, and because we way over-analyze every detail. I am the worst I think, hmmm, nah, i know worse! According to the Word, what is our mission here on earth? To Love God. To Love People. It is as if you can just ask yourself two questions when you are deciding to do something. Will this show i love God? Will this show i love people? The answers are most of the time so obvious, and your spirit doesnt let you down.
my decisions: whether to move to ky with the 'rents. i knew deep down i would be miserable there, but i have a tendency to feel obligated (especially with my family) to make sure everything is ok. funny, cause that is not typical for the baby of the family. my parents arent in the best health, and i have fear that i wont be able to spend enough time with them before they pass, or that they cant survive without me. these are excuses of me over-analyzing everything. i love my parents, i couldn't have had better ones, but they were SO happy when they came back from bulldozing the land. They were glowing. They will be ok there, they have family all around them. i am supposed to be here, and i am ok with that. God is here. He is whereever i go, He hasnt failed me yet, He will make the path clear, and in the process teach me to trust him a little more...
c.ALIce

sidenote: Fear is simply a lack of Trust...

Saturday, October 09, 2004

coming back

So I decided that I was going to sit down and read my bible. It’s been a while; I wasn’t sure where to begin, so I prayed, like I knew how. I sat and journaled whatever came to mind hoping that something would pop out at me, I starting think about relationship with Jesus, how loosely the term is thrown around. I look up in my concordance and found nothing; I brought out the big guns and looked in Strongs concordance and still nothing with the word “relationship.” I thought about the context of relationship, and how the bible refers to types of relationships as us being the bride, the friend, the slave, the servant, the child. Well that is all I came up with…I am sure there are more, anyway, so I sat and pondered all the types and what each type entailed as far as a duty the is applied to it, A bride is submissive loved and obedient, the child loved and cared for, the slave and servant get their provisions from the Master and the friends ultimate duty is to be willing to die. I thought about my life and how I fall short so many times in regards to my role in my relationship. I am the stubborn child that kicks and streams when I don’t get my way, and do anything to avoid punishment, I am the bride that harlots around town like in the story of gomer and hosea. I am short of being obedient, but find more that I have a disastrous pride that rules me. I am not close to dying, I cant find the motivation to even go to church in any other capacity than Sunday worship, I looked up the definition of “relationship” and came up with that it is the condition or fact of being related connected or associated, a connection by blood or marriage related to or having “dealings” with each other, a connection existing between two people, or the far fetched idea of romantic or sexual involvement. What a load…I understood why the word was used, but still….merely to be connected? Then I talked to a friend, she mentioned that it wasn’t relationship that was mentioned in the bible but the countless references to “knowing’ God, oh what a relief!!! So I looked it up…and I re-iterate, COUNTLESS references, Old and New Testament. I look up the Hebrew, the Greek and the English dictionary, looked into the verses associated and came up with the definition. I don’t merely to be associated or “deal” with GOD; I want to take on the definition of know...to perceive, to achieve understanding of, to apprehend (from the Latin word meaning to seize). To be convinced by DIRECT INTUITION. To grasp in the mind with clarity and certainty, can you tell I am a word person (must have been the linguistic major!). Going on, to have a Practical understanding of THROUGH experience. I know, probably sounds so simple to you, but think about it, would you rather have a ‘relationship” with God, or an understanding through experience. It was huge to me. I am not dissing the idea of relationship; I am not condemning the use of the word to help Christians better understand the concept of life with GOD I am just blown away by the distinct reference He gave to us between relationship and TO KNOW. My favorite definition: to be able to distinguish and recognize as distinct and to discern the character or nature of. The Hebrew word for know, used most often in bible (no. 3045 in strongs) refers to know as to diligence, discover, and a familiar friend. God knows us; He knows every facade of our being. He loves us enough to know our aching for companionship and our want for a 48” HDTV. He wants to reveal himself to you. On a secular level, can you imagine if your favorite person of all time invited you to be his best friend? Lets say that bono (of U2, as if you didn’t know) walked up to your doorstep and said, “Ya know I think you are wonderful and I want us to become friends.” Now imagine for a long moment that the creator of the entire universe and beyond came to your front door and said that. Talk about being awe-struck, this is what bible study is all about, to come to an understanding of Jesus, and how He relates to me. How he relates to you. That is the vision that gives me hope, which is something I can share to the world. That is something everyone needs. Its sad when I get lost in all the religious jargon that I am not sure what my belief system is made up of. What does the term “saved” mean? Where did it come from? Sounds like a new word search!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

relapse

my posts have been quite depressing lately, which bothers me because i am not one to be all that depressive. i feel much better now. i am not really worried about the whole moving thing anymore. i get all worked up over nothing sometimes, and i then i just have to take a deep breath and realize that God will take care of me. In my gut i will always know, He does not lead me into temptation, but He is the deliverer!! It is just a simple wrestling between my "true" heart and my worldly desires (and ultimately i always choose Him).
I have a vision, and i intend for it to become a reality. life is so much more complicated when your eyes are not fixed. I am a pretty simple person i think. i dont need much to be happy. just good friends and family and fun times. i am responsible enough to get my bills paid, but i dont stress over it, HE has always come through. i consider myself pretty laid back, i dont get worked over about much of anything...besides what i am truly passionate about.
i think i have come to this point in my life where i am sit of struggling with the same things over and over. i am sick of running away from everything. i want to get serious about my relationship with GOD, not for me, but for others. I want GOD to use me in incredible ways to speak into the lives of people, and lately i have felt so dry to speak at all. i love JESUS, with much of me. He still draws me closer and closer to Himself, which amazes me because it is not often, if ever, that you experience that kind of passion for your being. its hard when you live in a world with unreliable people and always seem to fail you to find a solice and a comfort in HIM. i find it very hard to trust HIM, and He is the creator of me...He desires to ill to me. It is just coming one step closer. When i realize that HE is all i need, then i can come to trust those around me. I come to be able to love them more deeply because i am not worried about the superfiscal things like "do they like me" "am i cool enough" "am i pretty enough" cause those things all fade away when the only person that really matters, is the one person that fills all those voids. I will never be perfect, i will never have it all figured out. I will have more days where i feel like i am lost and unguided. He is constantly guiding me, i just have to stop, be still and breathe.
c.ALIce
kudos for my friends that put up with my tantrums....GLORY TO GOD that HE puts up with all of me, all the time!!!

“Jesus, lover of my soul, stir up in us a spirit of rebeliion against evil. Give us a passion to fight for you, to fight for love and purity. Be a constant reminder in our hearts and minds that this life is about adventure. Let our passion be to YOU and YOUR will. Give us a surge in our souls to conquer over the things we struggle with, the things we hold on to. Be clear and concise. You are the mightiest of warriors, take each of us aside in a quiet place and motivate us, give us the pep talk we so desperately need. Your love is fantastic, adventurous and powerful. Grant us an experience with it, give us a taste. All glory to YOU because you are the author and finisher. All to you oh Lord…your lil princess.”

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

what to do what to do

so i have some decisions to make...my parents are moving to kentucky, which is an option. my sister and i are considering to buy a house, yet another option. i can move to various places all over the world and start afresh, where oh where do i want to go? i have come to believe that there are no wrong or right answers, i mean, yes there is right and wrong, but in my life all the paths seem good and right to a certain degree. in order to figure out where i want to go, i have to decide what i want to do. i am good at many things, i am multi-talented but mediocre in them. i feel like i need to be the best and the exceptional to make a difference.
i feel like i need a fresh slate to reinvent myself. i have been in the same rut for years. i have my ups and downs, but most of the time i feel clueless. there are things in my life that i have been meaning to do for years, and just procrasinated them to no avail. i just want to go somewhere where no one knows me, and no one has certain requirements on my behavior and where no one is looking. at times i feel the motives are ungodly, its easier to act out when there is no accountability, and other times i feel my motives are pure and just a chance to get reconnected without feeling like people i have known for years will see it as being out of character. i know they would be supportive, but still...i'd rather them not watch.
i have so many friends in cincinnati, but now is the time to go and experience something else. why do i always feel like i need to run somewhere else? am i scared of being stuck somewhere. i think i dont want to lose the freedom to do what i want when i want to...maybe i need to change, maybe it has been eating at me for a while because GOD keeps telling me to move on and i just ignore it because i am so comfortable here. i am not a very good listener. i have many good ideas that can be done anywhere...why cincinnati?? How do i know what i am supposed to do...if i dont know what my purpose is and what i want to do or who i am...how can i make rash decisions, but then why not make rash decisions..i am still young. i can make friends anywhere, i can seek God anywhere...why is one place better than another...?
i get this way like once every couple months where i really want change and something new and different, and it passes away and i go on with my life, as mundane as it is, then it never fails to resurface again...
i wish i had an answer. i wish that God would just hand it to me and let me be. i wish that i just knew. i wish i didnt over-analyze everything. i wish i had more discipline. i wish i had more self control. i wish i was great at something other than mediocre at lots of things. i wish i could fly away. i wish i could teach myself anything. i wish i had more time. i wish i didnt have so much time on my hands. i wish i could just sit still. i wish i had more to do. i wish my wishes would come true.
c.ALIce

Sunday, October 03, 2004

lazy sunday

sundays for me are always the lazy days. i hate working on sundays. fortunately today i dont have to...i get to sit around and do nothing, but of course i have plans and a million things that need to be done on the only day this week that i can really get anything accomplished. i stayed out really late last night, i think i got home just before 5am. hung out with some people from work, they are cool people, but i feel so awkward hanging out with them because we dont have much in common other than talking about work. i rarely ever drink so i dont have any drunken episode stories to share. makes me feel really outta place. sometimes i get into those situations or with groups of people and i just feel like i dont belong. it is almost worst at church though. i havent been to church in month or so...have no real desire. i love GOD, He is amazing and i know that He is all i need, He alone can fulfill me, but still its lonely sometimes. i sucks to have an opposite schedule than most of your friends. i am going out when they are going to bed...i am definately a night owl...i can sleep in as late as i want so i can stay out late...seems like the only people that can are those that are getting wasted. i dont mind...i just miss having those close christian friends that you could call at 1am and just get together and talk or just hang out.
i have really missed brian lately, He has been in many conversations. i am not totally sure i have dealt with his death yet. i understand that he is gone, he will never come back, and i think most of the time i feel worse for not missing him.
i am in one of those moods where i just want to crawl up and die. my soul is weary of trying not so hard and getting nowhere. but too weak to try any harder to get where i want to be. days like today make me feel like it would be easier just to forsake God and live for me...but i have been there so many times and i know how hopeless and pointless it is...and there is more pressure to be molded into some sort of cookie-cutter image of society. i think that is why most people are out of church, they get drawn into the cookie-cutters, being a certain way (ie drinking bars clubs) gives back some certain reward, but christianity is open and such a risk...its hard to go against the flow of the majority.
i had fun this weekend hanging out with friends, meeting new ones and reconnecting with old ones. this week has been extremely lONG!! feels like it has been a month not a week.
at the same time, today is a lazy and lonely day. i just want to have that "one" person ya know? someone to always count on to hang out with you...someone to make out with every once in a while...its cool to hang out with people, i love to be around them....but i just want that one person to be with. seems sorta hopeless today. i know i know, he will come when i least expect it...i am beginning to think that i will never stop expecting it.
enough of my drama...i need to go get something accomplished cause i cant stand to just be here and do nothing, as much as probably need to.
laterz
c.ALIce

Friday, October 01, 2004

been a long day

i worked all day and didnt make near as much as i wanted to. orrin and cindy are my saviors from utter boredom by talking to me via instant messaging through my phone. its cool...thanks buddies! watched a little bit of the debates...not all that interesting. i am trying to make a smart decision in november. i'd rather make up my own mind than have people tell me who to vote for.
i am listening to a sermon from the vineyard, and i remember how much i really miss it there. i stopped going there in november of last year, started to go to another smaller church and was helping there and met some great people, but still there is something about springdale vineyard...i need to make more of an effort to go.
i am just scared to death to get serious about God...still dealing with that trust issue i guess...i feel like i will always be dealing with it.
i need some fun time with some friends!! i love my peeps!!