running....again (archive 1.26.05)

The question has been posed more than once that my moving to California is me running away from something. I admit it is true. I am running. I am desperate to get away from this thing that plagues and torments me on a daily and even hourly basis. I feel like that if I move away that it won't be as loud, it wont bother me as much. I am running, and the staying here for the time I am here is killing me. I can hardly take it anymore. I need to be away from it, I need to be refreshed and get a new perspective. I need a new daily routine so I am not constantly reminded of it. I need to get away from my friends and co-workers or anyone that knows me because being arounnd them reminds me of it. I want to be something different. I want to experience something original. I could stay here. I could manage here, but I think I would drive myself deeper and deeper into this issue that envelops around me. It is easy to say that I am not dealing with it, hell I dont think anyone even knows what I am dealing with. Can anyone really see the thoughts that fly through my brain. Does anyone really have the answer to be able to live with it and not let it chase me around the world. It is easier to say to "Let go and let God" but so much harder when you are the one holding on. I dont care if I go to California, Italy or Florida....New York or Bo-Dunk Kentucky. I need a change. Something so drastic that it will shake this off of me. So incredible that I will forget all about what I was running from in the first place. I am anxious at the starting line, waiting impatiently for the gun to go off so that I have the ultimate freedom to run without being disqualified. I am running, you all are all right. I underestimated your perseption of me. I mistook your observatory nature. I am running so far, so fast and so hard to get away from myself.
c.ALIce
i am sure that most of you dont rememeber even reading this blog because it was before most of you were avid readers. but this was written before i left for california. yesterday i was talking to someone that pointed out that i am running from myself. i am running from who i am because i am scared. with everyone that i have talked to , either friend, family or acquaintance, it was always "do what you need to do" whether they agreed or not, but no one ever put it like that. and frankly, up to this point, i didnt realize it either. maybe i am running from myself. running from the fear of failure, running from being who i am was meant to be. running back into that place i know is comfortable and more simple. back to where i didnt have to try. i dont know what i am supposed to do ever in life. she told me to get naked and stand in front of a mirror and ask myself what i wanted. as much of a good idea that really is...that scares the crap outta me. because in realizing what i want, is realizing who i am, and the things that i want to change, and making those big commitments to change the things i dont like and to pursue (rather blindly and timidly) to the things i want. staying the same and always being in your comfort zone is definately the easiest thing to do, but not really the most rewarding.
in the conversation, she asked me what i didnt like about myself, and i was saying how i let people determine how i am or what i do. i totally do that. instead of dictating what i want to do, i take up suggestions, weigh out the options and get lots of feedback then make a decision based on how others think i should act. it happens in all areas of my life. though it may appear that i am so strong willed and determined to some, i am actually not, i am fickle. i really think that is why i dont know what i want to do or where i want to be, because i have people on all sides giving me their suggestions and the stress i have is figuring out which person is right in regards to what I should do. to stand there and not have anyone telling me who i am or what i should do...i wonder what my answers would be. in the process you are not allowed to limit yourself by your abilities, like saying "i want to have a photography book published" and then contradicting that with "but that is so hard, i dont know how, i am not talented enough, i dont have time, or some other random excuse." you are only allowed to admit your strengths and weaknesses and what you want to accomplish without trying to figure it all out at that moment, but just realizing it. i would be there all day, i want, i cant, i am, what will they think, i will, when its feesible. i could battle with my own desires to dismiss everything. what do i want? physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, in every aspect...then after realizing it, accomplishing it. i think one of the hardest parts about figuring out what you want to do, is realizing its what YOU want to do, not what others think you should do. Its your unique desires, your unique attributes, your unique spirit....and really no one can know better than i do.
who am i? at times i think it is pointless to try to figure out who you are because you are ever changing, but at the same time "its not what you do that defines you, but who you are inside" how can one really learn about what they want, if they cant confront who they are. one is far scarier than the other. and above that, how can you truly allow someone to love you, when you dont love yourself, and in order to love yourself, you have to know who you are. it doesnt take a lifetime to figure out. in some cases it could only take one day standing in front of a mirror naked. (naked is essentail!! cause its raw humanity)
sometimes in an effort to please people, i forget what really makes me alive. a struggle between what my heart truly desires and what "others" convince me is important. what do i want to live for? not to work to pay bills. who do i want to live for? definatley not for someone else, cause its my life. how do i want to live? at this point, i really dont know...but simply. when will i start living for me? not in the sense that i disregard my GOD, and live selfishly, but in the regards that i dont procrastinate...and i go full ahead towards something.
i am tired of running...if i dont stop now, i will run my entire life and look back on it when i am 50 and have accomplished nothing because i kept running.
i think its time to sit and take a breather.
c.ALIce

ya'll are so anxious

of course you all will say come home, you want me to...i dont blame you, i would want me around too =)
last night i was hanging out with Nat (Vanessa's brother) and we sat out on the porch for like 3 hours talking. talking about everything, but mainly my situation. ya know there are so many things i love about tiffany, she has this untamable aspect to her that most would find overwhelming or rather intimidating. she is determined to find whatever it is she is looking for. she is a survivor, and how can you not be thick-skinned after being raised at new bethel. she is fun. she is wild and crazy and entertaining. she is beautiful, and she can pull anything off. she has got a way about her that attracts all sorts of people, you can tell by the variety of people she hangs out with. she has a heart that will expose itself to pain just to help someone else. she has a great wit about her, and a "marvelous" sense of humor. she would do anything for her friends, and will sometimes allow others to step on her to a point, just to be loyal to someone she loves. she is forgiving (though sometimes it takes her a while)=). she is talented and i think it is sad that she doesnt really hone into it as much. she is creative and spunky and willing to try anything once. she is probably the most independant person i know, yet allows herself to rely on others, with the risk that they will disappoint her. time and distance doesnt hinder her friendships, she is loyal to people she loves.she is one of those people that you can share intimate details with (that you might not want to share with everyone) and she will not judge or condemn you for it. she is beautiful, inside and out. she is a great person to be friends with. she encourages you and also pushes you (even though sometimes it may be harsh she has the best of intentions). she holds people up to high standards only because she knows people are capable of incredible things if they would just recognize it in themselves. and so much more....i just love her, its hard not to.

ill never survive

i will never survive in life if i continually run from conflict. I write on this thing, then i think about what i wrote for hours on end. through out this whole situation, i keep realizing that i am willing to let go of a friend in lew of trying to deal with an argument. tiff and i have been friends for a very long time, despite our differences, that is what makes our friendship special. it is not because we have everything in common, but it is because we have really nothing in common (though we do), that makes the friendship unique. i truly do cherish her. we have somehow remained friends over a very long period of time. and i think about it, and part of me wants to shut down and run away and not have to deal with it, yet part of my realizes how immature that is. this is really the first fight tiff and i have been in, and honestly, i am not used to fighting with friends. i rarely get into fights (but that has a lot to do with being passive and just not making it out to be a big deal). it is ridiculous to think that because of this one ordeal that i would let go of our friendship. i wonder that if i am incompetent to deal with it that it will forever be my escape. can you imagine being married and 6 months into the marriage you fight, and you just decide to quit the marriage...not that easy huh? more of a hassel to get a divorce than to work it out. i want to work it out, but right now i think it needs time and space.

those days...

i really despise conflict. i have a really hard time living in an environment of hostility or tension. that is one reason i stayed away from home so much, although my parents love each other, they also love to bicker, and i just cant stand it. i dont regret alot in my life, but anything that hurts other people that i love, especially when it is ultimately my doing is something i regret. at this point its almost like the point of no return. i dont regret coming, i just regret that way it ended up being. i can't be perfect, and i also have to live my life. i just wish she would understand my perspective. but she wont no matter how hard i could try to explain it to her. life is too short to wait around. unfortunately she happened to be the person at a certain time in my life in which i realize things about me. i have learned a very valuable lesson in all this, but that will never make it ok. i know i am too much of a drifter to commit to anything, scares the shit outta me. i have no idea how to make it right, yet still live my life. i could say i just dont care, but i do. if i didnt care, it wouldnt hurt so bad. she thinks i think we are in the same situation, yet to the best of my knowledge i didnt say that. i know where she is, i see her perspective, i see her lack of trust in one more person scarring her for life. i cant talk to her though. i just sit there with all the conversations in my head, but no vocal cords. maybe i am wrong to think that me trying to do anything is worth it. i have had a migraine for days, probably deserve it right girl?
i am non-confrontational. when it comes to me, i run, i hide or i be as quiet as possible hoping it will pass away. just one more flaw. most of you know how long it takes me to open up, and the persistance you have to have to get me to admit or talk about anything. i am such a secretive person. no one knows everything about me, its all little bits and peices, and i have always been like that.
it doesnt matter how long i stay (because ultimately we will go through the same fight, if it was august or december), how well i try to explain it all, how great of a person i may be...at this point, it feels worthless. you know if she would support me and say "chrissi, i love you enough for you to be happy, and i think that this is a great oppurtunity for you and you should totally live your life out to your fullest and do what makes you happy" i think i would be alot more apt to stay and help her as much as i can. but since it came off to me like my desires were null since they didnt work out with hers, it makes me fight her more. she has never once said anything to support my decision, but more and more talk about how i am fucking up her life. thats what bothers me the most...i just want her to support my decision. despite all that, i know she reads this, and i know she is probably fuming thinking that i have it all wrong. believe me, i know, i am not "retarded" i dont have a skewed perspective, i see all the angles. dont think that just because i havent been on my own since 19 that i am nieve to how the world revolves. but again, i am sorry, sorry to leave in such short notice, sorry you cant trust me, sorry i am unreliable, sorry i fucked up one more time in regards to you, sorry that i am selfish, sorry i am not happy in la, sorry that i dont tell you everything, sorry that it happened this way, sorry i am who i am, sorry that i dont know how to potty train dogs, sorry i dont know how to do dishes right, sorry i moved things, sorry for "breathing", sorry for taking up your personal space for such a long time, sorry that this whole situation is not what you expected, sorry that i dont want to wait around, sorry that i packed (like a retard) without telling you, sorry i didnt tell you sooner, sorry the oppurtunity presented itself, sorry for not knowing how to deal with confrontation, sorry for disappointing you, sorry for not fulfilling all our pipe dreams, i am just sorry. but it just doesnt seem to make a difference.
c.ALIce

house sitting and the end

I have been sitting this house for a couple days. It is somewhat relaxing but at the same time, very lonely. I hate not having any friends nor being surrounded by people I love. Joel was off last night so Vanessa hung out with him. We are supposed to go to church tonight. I miss it. Ya know that feeling I had before I left Cincinnat, that anxioiusness of getting on with life, and here I am again waiting. I waited for carols graduation, even though I could have left earlier. Now I am waiting for the timing to fall into place, and for tiffany to find a roommate. I cant leave before then. I hope she understands that if she will not take my suggestions for roommates that I will leave despite the fact she hasn’t found someone on her own because she I not taking up my suggestions. She says she doesn’t want to live with some psycho, but I don’t understand the difference in living with someone you don’t know that someone you know suggested, or living with someone you don’t know at all. It all has to do with how she wants to decorate the apartment. She doesn’t want someone else coming in and destroying her plans. I really didn’t care, so I spoiled her. If she wants that much control, she should get an apartment just for her. I would like to help her in this search but I feel helpless. Maybe I should just go ahead and introduce her to certain people. I am sure that none of them will be up to her standards because I picked them out. Oh how frustrating. What can I really do? She will never know whether or not she likes someone until she meets them anyway. Ugh!! I don’t know what to do!!! I emailed her the emails and she emailed me back saying that it was pissing her off.
I think I figured it out. Tiffany loves me, but she loves an idea of who she thinks I am, not who I am. She loves the person I was at new bethel when I can 15-16, but like many in regards to her, she didn’t allow me to change. She thinks I am that person now, and I am not. I have grown up since then, I am not the person she thinks I am. I always wondered how we were even friends…we are so opposites. I really think it will be best in my life to let her go. I don’t think that we will be friends after this, a lot to do with the frustration and pain I caused her, but also, its past. Sometimes in life you have to let go of people, its just the way life goes.

im done

Living in someone else’s space is exhausting. Always trying to be considerate, and trying to always tred lightly on another person’s space. I think it was a little too long living in close quarters. I understand someone wanting their space back, I think I would too. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I was under the impression that I would be here for a couple months paying only 275-300 month, which fit into my budget. I was also expecting to have a job that I would be making good money at. Not the case. All of a sudden Joe came along…crowded. Mike is leaving (although tiffany wants him to leave). So now Joe is going home in august, mike is moving in august. Finally a room of my own.
I am done. I told tiffany today that I was leaving. Of course she was upset.
So I learned in my adventure to LA that I am unreliable, I am undetermined, I am lazy and really have no idea what I want to do….oh wait, I knew that already. But it feels so fresh when others make sure they point it out to you over and over again. Yeah, we had this fight already, me being unreliable and she couldn’t trust me. Do you know what not being trusted does in a relationship? I am the most blessed person in the world to be friends with people that truly trust and support me. I would say that those two qualities are in all of my friends. I think it is essential for me to feel needed, appreciated and that no matter what I do or how I am that my friends will not leave me on a whim (because one of my ultimate fears is being left). It was damaging. I am not sure that the friendship will survive this scar.
I really don’t want to leave nessa. She is by far my favorite person. I wish I could take her with me, but she understands and she supports me. I think we will be friends for a long time. She is one of the gifts I received by stepping out.
I really don’t regret the move. I really think it was something I needed to do, and it put lots of things into perspective. I learned not to rely on anyone. I learned LA sucks. I leaerned I am not a city girl, and ya know what, that is ok. “There is always something to do” but really, I would much rather stay at home because it is cheaper and I don’t have to fight in traffic. I really don’t like traffic.
I really appreciate trina and Patrick. I don’t know what I would have done without them giving me a job. I don’t know how to thank them enough. I don’t think a simple thank you will do. I feel bad leaving without anyone to replace me, but I have to. I am working on a manual so that the next person will have all the answers right in front of them and they really wont have to train one more person. I haven’t told them yet, I hope that they understand.
Anyway, I am definitely doing the naples thing. I have a job and a place to stay (if I risk trusting one more person). I know that I will like it there, at least the job and being in a new place. It is much easier to make friends when you have a place to work and are respected there, and of course I am cool! How could you not love me? Of yeah, cause I am not perfect…yeah well, she wont have to worry about it anymore. Please pray that she finds a roommate. I tried to help, I tried to “take care of her” by posting on craigslist. She of course doesn’t want to live with a stranger, understandable, but at least I tried, but she is one of those people that will always take care of herself. She knows the deadline and she has time. I had 6 people that would move in next week if she wanted to live with them. Of course Joe isn’t leaving till the first weeks of August, and mike (the one still in the room for rent) will be there until his place is ready, which I hope is very soon.
I sent out a lot of emails to photographers and only got one postive response. One actually wrote and said my photos were shit. Yeah well, why the hell do you think I want to work photographers? For fun? NO, to learn idiot! I don’t have to do that ya know. I can do whatever I want. Isn’t that the fun of living? I will settle down one day.
I had a Big Realization about leaving. Coming here I was running from Cincinnati, hungry for something different. But I think the reason I am so excited about leaving is because I am going towards something. I am not running from LA because I was unsuccessful. I really didn’t try all that hard because I knew within the first month that I didn’t want to stay here. I know you all are excited that I am leaving, but I am not coming back to Cincinnati, I am going to naples. I just thought I would remind you. Abby, remember when we went to naples? Wasn’t that fun? Anyway, at least it is closer than California..you can drive there in a day! Random road trips, you can fly there in 3 hours….better than an entire day at the airport.
I think that is it for now…ill keep you updated.
C.aliCE

what makes me so special

i wonder why i even want to be a photographer. is it because i went to school for it? is it because i actually think i am qualified for it? i am looking for some jobs. i cant stand not working. it drives me crazy!!! what are my other options? am having a ebay dispute, i know it was sent, buying is saying no. ugh...cant do anything till tiffany gets back. she comes back tomorrow.
what to do, what to do?!?!
i dont feel like typing anymore and bizou is getting on my nerves cause she keeps jumping on top of the computer and bothering me.now she is laying behind my neck, like a pillow. she is so in love with me. she follows me around right at my heels. she can be adorable, but more of a pain in the ass.
tiffany comes back tomorrow, i am glad. i am sick of revolving my life around the mutts.
im out
c.ALIce

here we go again

ok i think i have finally decided what i am going to do, granted everything works out in my favor. i am going to move to naples florida in november (approx). i just have to make sure that tiffany has a roommate and that i can afford the move. when i get there i hopefully will be working with encore. its like going back to something i know i am good at. i am still working here to hone my photography skills. i emailed like 50 photographers today if they need an assistant. havent got any responses yet, well two but they werent interested in me. this is the link i sent them to (http://chrissialice.blogspot.com) i was most impressed that i changed up the html so much to satisfy my needs!! hehe.
i did finish my website, but i have to fix some glitches and send it to levi and i figured that i needed something now so this is what i came up with. who knows if it will work. i was supposed to work today but patrick was no up to working so he called and told me to come in tomorrow. kristin said last night that she had a gig for me today, but imagine that..she never called back!
we went to the beach yesterday, it was awesome. we played volleyball all day and then when the tide came in we played mud-volleyball. it was fun. the tide was sweeping away the court so we switched sides every 5 points. it was SO much fun. i love volleyball so of course it was the highlight of my day. kelly and her friends play every sunday in santa monica. i am going to go with them this weekend. i am excited. they are really good, so it is a good game...none of that bad passing stuff. they were all amazed with my serving skills...kentucky headhunter. =)
i work with the catering company again on saturday, its cool. i like working with hosea. i went there last week and he gave me a hard time for being late..he said "you are late, it's 8:03" and i looked at him and said "so." like i didnt care, and i really didnt, from that moment on i was his favorite! how could i not be though..spunky and adorable.
well i gotta go get my laundry, ill be back later
c.ALIce

the argument

tiff and i got into an argument the other day (right before she left for vacation) because i said i wanted to move home and she thought i was deserting her...like i would leave without making sure she was taken care of, or had another roommate. she said the worst aspect i have is that i cant decide on anything and that i am always going back and forth and doubting myself allthe time. i told her its "one of many" she said that i am 26 and i should know what i want to do with my life...seriously? unfortunately i am not like others that have it all figured out. i want to do so many things that i dont know what i want to do. and being able to be successful at anything doesnt help. i am overall happy here, though i hate not having a job....i feel so useless, it was nice at first, like a
drawn out vacation, but now i feel the pressure to get on with life, and although i always find something to occupy my time, i would much rather be making money at it. i am working towards it though. baby steps right? not used to that...used to be given everything i ever needed, and working only slightly towards it. it was the best decision to get outta cincinnati, but i dont like LA. i think it was good to do, but the good part was realizing i really didnt have to. its ok i guess, and Nessa is my saving grace...my only friend and the one i hang out with all the time. otherwise i work a little and sit at home trying to figure out how to work other things out in my life. tomorrow i am going to call around to photographers to see if they need assistants. i am sick of waiting around for kristin to tell me i have a job....i will NEVER do that again!

move?

i finally finished my website. when it is online i will be sure to let you know and if you find time in your busy schedule you can check it out. went out tonight with some friends for trinas birthday.Encore is opening an new restaurant in Naples Florida this year and i am debating going there. it is closer to home, something i like to do and i could do pretty much what i am doing here as far as the photography stuff goes, plus levi is only an hour away and i could work with his company (they need photographers) we will see how it goes. there are no guarentees in life i am realizing, and do not rely on others to for your wellbeing. they will only let you down. i feel so torn. stay or go...am i giving it enough time oram i basing my decisions on being homesick and missing everyone. i can concoct so many ideas in my head and sometimes that drives me more crazy than actually doing what i am doing now. so tonight kristin (the one that has promised me a job since i got here) was telling me about another job op that may or may not start in either august or december. its basically a casting manager. she talks me up so much to everyone, she thinks i am so cool and put together (oh if she only knew i am a mess). its potential for very good pay. high stress though. i didnt get around to contacting photographers today because i finished the website, sent out pics to be printed, and am working on a "business cd" which is basically an autorun powerpoint presentation with my portfolio on it. i got some more contacts today though. a girl that needs headshots (like everyone in
LA) and a guy that holds photoshoots with playboy models, to assist without pay. weird people i meet...all connected in this amazing group of friends i happened to land in. i debate going to florida because somehow i feel like i am running back into my comfort zone and at other times i feel like its a good decision. its like my heart breaks with every decision i have to
make...cant someone just tell me what to do, who to be and where to go. does anyone else go through this? people seem like they have it all together and they really dont...no one really knows what they want to do. i have too much time on my hands. i am starting to go crazy. i am working with this catering company on saturday, i have to leave the apartment by 6:30 am (to me that is early) and work till 5pm. kind of sucks, but a girl has got to pay her bills yaknow. sucks being
responsible. sunday we are going to the beach, i am looking forward to playing some volleyball and hanging out with everyone. they are fun.
i learning that it doesnt really matter where you are, you can accomplish anything from whereever you are, but that home is where love is and finding what makes you happy, not what just pays your bills is the search of life. i dont want to live to work, i want to live it out, and you all know that, if i have to move 6 times in one year in order to find it, i will. that is not not giving it a try, that is being observant of my environment and realizing what i will live with and live without. i can live without traffic, i can live without people that pretend they want to be your friend but never call. i can live without making lots of money and living in an big house. i cannot live without freedom, whether in job or spirit. i cannot live without friends and family. i cannot live without encouragement around me that supports whatever crazy decision i decide to make. cause i will make some crazy ones, ya;ll just have to live vicariously through me and just always love me despite, and thats why i love you all, cause you are like that! thank you for not trying to rule my life and allowing me to be me.
i definately dont regret this move. but everyone says give it a year and to not let people tell you what to do...so am i cutting myself short if i dont give it a year? no...i am just not letting people tell me what to do with my life. i am on a search, and i am not about to waste my time waiting around for it to get better...when you get there you will know its where are supposed to do and if its time to leave, its time to go, no matter how long its been.
love you all
c.ALIce

good luck!!

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/takequiz.php?quizname=050713125101-965416

I am ALIve

I seem to always start my blog with an apology because I haven’t written in so long…so here goes, sorry. When I take so long to blog, then I find that I don’t have much to talk about even though I do.
Mainly I have been pretty depressed. Cant quite put my finger on it. I guess it is a cumulation of stress and boredom and frustration. I was very close to coming home, then realized that it wasn’t the right decision, even though it is definitely the easiest. I hope this is not one of those situations in which good friends become enemies because of living together. I am a pretty giving person, but if someone takes and takes I will rebel and not give anything at all. Part of being independent in your own right is not having to rely on people. I am stressed out because the independent streak in me is rebelling against having to rely on Kristin for a job. Apparently I start on the 18th, but do I really? After so many unfulfilled promises it is really hard to trust someones word. We will see on Monday. The thing that is great is that she is working with my schedule with Patrick so that I can work both jobs. I would not want to leave Patrick because he has been so good to me, seriously, if it wasn’t for that job, I would be utterly screwed. I am taking small steps towards being successful. Some of them are very scary because I don’t know if I am “good enough” even though there is a part of me that is somewhat cocky about being the best. How will I ever learn if I never take the steps towards it.
So today I posted on Craigs List (for those that still have no idea what I am talking about when I say that…go to www,craigslist.com and you will understand what I am talking about). I posted for anyone that needed a photographer. And I also looked through and contacted those that had posted saying they wanted/needed a photographer. I have been sitting at starbucks for almost 5 hours working on my website and I felt like I have got no where. Its frustrating. I am working on 3 websites right now. I have the vision in my head for 2 of them, but am having a hard time executing the design I want according to my high standards. Once it is done I will be sure to send you all a link. To both or all of them. I really do hope that we start work with Kristin on the 18th, that will really help pay my bills. I am looking into getting credit for my skymiles from Israel so I can have a free ticket, my problem is that I don’t know my skymiles number and that the number to call is always busy. Ill get it done eventually.
Ill write more later….going to movie with nessa and joel.
Love you all!!
c.ALIce

yeah i have not been here to write. not too much interesting going on here, just thinking too much which makes my heart bleed.
went to mosaic church on saturday night, it was very good, i think me and nessa are going back next week. erwin mcmanus is the pastor...very cool guy. very much like vineyard, but more like the northstar vineyard, smaller like that. good stuff
i need to get shit together.
i need a job.
i need a boost of self confidence
i need Jesus to make all my pain to go away.
i miss you all
i miss my sisters
i miss my friends
i miss my own bed
i want to be successful
i want my dreams to come true.
i want to figure out what my dreams are
i want this cloud to blow away

i refuse to become someone i am not
i refuse to let myself hold me back
i refuse to pretend
i refuse to fail

c.ALIce