i know that i havent written in a while. but frankly i just dont feel like it. nothing too interesting has been going on. i am trying to figure out how to come home this weekend, which depends alot on work. I would love for Nat to come with me, but it depends on when i will be off work. i am pretty homesick. today i cleaned. i had a list of things that i needed to get done and didnt accomplish much. but i have to say, the basement is clean, for the most part. Of course, like dad, I could always find something to do. i am trying to pace myself so that i dont get burnt out, but i actually enjoy it. Gives me something to do during the day and it will help to sell the house in the long run. I took pictures so that we could put it on FSOB.COM (for sale by owner). WE will see how it goes.
Yesterday was actually very busy, we went to church at Nat's dad's church. We were all supposed to go out to eat afterwards, but Nat had to work (he was oncall) so Ken/Dad and I went to Crackel Barrel, then we came back to the house and Nat and I went to Walmart, then Brinlee and Josh came over and we went to eat at Ruby Tuesday's. We then came back to the house and went on a walk (all four of us). Then Nat and I went to Ben and Joanna's to play Monopoly. I think that is the busiest day I have had since i got here. But it was all very fun. Its nice to hang out with other couples, and get to know other people.
Well I am sorta out of it, so I think I will stop there...see really not that interesting. But hopefully I will be able to come home this weekend and see everyone!!
later loves
c.ALIce
Monday, August 29, 2005
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
what should i do....
so a bit has changed. i took the jetta back yesterday, a long story, but i think it was the best decision. i have slept at brinlee and joshs for the last two nights...and that is ok. just trying to work through it i guess. met Nat's mom yesterday, we went to dinner and then back to her house for talking. told the story of how Nat and I met and also how her and her husband met. it was nice.
i have been pondering over past relationships with guys. Not that I have really had that many, but nevertheless. I just think about all the different people i have had crushes on, and the one i loved, and tried to figure out why i forced myself to try to be so intimate when deep down I knew it was wrong. It was like i was willing to settle because I didnt really think that anyone else would come around, and that how i really wanted was a pipe dream and didnt really exist at all. I dont want any of my friends to make lifetime commitments with someone that just doesnt seem right. But I understand that everyone relates to people in a different way, and sometimes I dont understand, but they are happy. Relationships between two people can be somewhat illusive. When my sister Carol started dating Todd, at first I was happy for her, she had finally found someone, then i was worried because I didnt understand why they bickered all the time over stupid stuff. Now if you saw Todd and Carol together, you just understand. They work well together. I also had concerns about Luci and "whats his name"...but apparently they are doing well too. It really is none of my business why certain people are together, but on the other hand, I do want them to experience love, without settling, but love that is unexplainable. I know I come off wrong sometimes, but I guess I have a little mothering in me.
So my thought for today....what am i supposed to do with my life? I battle back and forth between getting a career job, something that I can be successful at and also move up in the business. Then I think about how much i love my freedom, and how i dont want to be tied down with a monday through friday day job, but then i also dont want to work nights because i dont get to see Nat. Carol said today I should start my own business, what would i do though? I feel like the only thing i have any sort of experience in is serving tables, and although i like my job at Jonahs, i really dont think i want to be a career server. so what do i do? i know i have a degree in photography, but really what can i do. I really dont have the equipment that i really need. granted i can get it after a while...there is so much cost in just getting started.
I painted today. somewhat of an angry paint. I guess i am thinking too much today and that frustrates me. i just have to take advantage of the time i have to accomplish something, but i feel lost sometimes at what direction i want to go in. any ideas?
c.ALIce
i have been pondering over past relationships with guys. Not that I have really had that many, but nevertheless. I just think about all the different people i have had crushes on, and the one i loved, and tried to figure out why i forced myself to try to be so intimate when deep down I knew it was wrong. It was like i was willing to settle because I didnt really think that anyone else would come around, and that how i really wanted was a pipe dream and didnt really exist at all. I dont want any of my friends to make lifetime commitments with someone that just doesnt seem right. But I understand that everyone relates to people in a different way, and sometimes I dont understand, but they are happy. Relationships between two people can be somewhat illusive. When my sister Carol started dating Todd, at first I was happy for her, she had finally found someone, then i was worried because I didnt understand why they bickered all the time over stupid stuff. Now if you saw Todd and Carol together, you just understand. They work well together. I also had concerns about Luci and "whats his name"...but apparently they are doing well too. It really is none of my business why certain people are together, but on the other hand, I do want them to experience love, without settling, but love that is unexplainable. I know I come off wrong sometimes, but I guess I have a little mothering in me.
So my thought for today....what am i supposed to do with my life? I battle back and forth between getting a career job, something that I can be successful at and also move up in the business. Then I think about how much i love my freedom, and how i dont want to be tied down with a monday through friday day job, but then i also dont want to work nights because i dont get to see Nat. Carol said today I should start my own business, what would i do though? I feel like the only thing i have any sort of experience in is serving tables, and although i like my job at Jonahs, i really dont think i want to be a career server. so what do i do? i know i have a degree in photography, but really what can i do. I really dont have the equipment that i really need. granted i can get it after a while...there is so much cost in just getting started.
I painted today. somewhat of an angry paint. I guess i am thinking too much today and that frustrates me. i just have to take advantage of the time i have to accomplish something, but i feel lost sometimes at what direction i want to go in. any ideas?
c.ALIce
Sunday, August 21, 2005
dreams do come true
for a really long time, my worth was found in the approval of people around me. the irony of it all was that i was labeled a "rebel" and seen as someone that didnt care what people thought. do you know how hard it is to NOT CARE at all about what people think. so i have lived for nearly 27 years, and i think i got to a point where i really dont care. on the other hand, i feel drawn to respect those that i love, and their convictions. so some decisions may seem as if they are "hypocritical" (especially if one does not know all the circumstances/thought processes) but ultimately it is my life, and i will do what i want regardless of what people think, but i also have to be sensitive to protect certain relationships.
so i have been very confused in the past. the battle between doing what i think is right, and doing what i want, especially if i felt the two clash. sometimes doing what is right and doing what i want are the same, yet sometimes i have to choose. i think one thing that has changed in my heart within the last couple months is that i am truly happy (well thats been within the last 3 weeks), and i have really reevaluated the influence of people in my life. I dont allow people to make me feel inferior or allow them to confuse me in regards to what direction i feel like i should go. I am not allowing people's expectations become a cause for me to be held back. I am not allowing what others think i should do influence what my true hearts desire may be. once i set aside what i thought others wanted me to be. when i let go of others dreams for me. once i looked into who i am and saw what i really wanted. i really saw what i wanted. it was so simple, yet the letting go was somewhat complicated. so now i am happy. i am not continually trying to impress people, i can walk into a room and realize my worth without approval. i am truly fulfilling my hearts desires, or at least exploring what they are in a new light. I really dont think that i have ever been happier. more content, more at peace or felt more secure in my life. i am obtaining my dream life. simple, full of love, limited stress, companionship...I STILL REALLY LIKE HIM!!! yesterday i traded my car in for a Jetta, it was a really good deal. its white with a sunroof, its beautiful. it was just one more thing to make me see how much my dreams are coming true (since i have wanted one since before i could drive). I have someone in my life that I never thought i would ever have. He fits with me, and i respect him. I have a job that fits all my talents within the service industry (keeps burn out to a minimum). I am more focused on things that i like to do, and opening up to change and living at a different pace and with a different purpose in life.
there really is a freedom when you dont live to appease people. i am not fighting with God because i dont care if i maintain a rebellious image. because i dont care to impress people, i am more open to revealing my true self and my true desires. i dont stand back and wish i could (always worrying in my head what people will think), and not doing it, but just doing it. I am tending to live a more honorable life because i am not trying to prove a particular image to anyone. My worth or success is not based on what society, or anything else, but based on how my God views me. There is such freedom in only having to be approved by one, and the fact that HE took all the steps in order to make me approved...i simply had to decide to be approved. I think i am happy now because i am not fighting anymore. I am not trying to control life, i am simply allowing life to be lived. Freedom. My ultimate dream being fulfilled.
c.ALIce
so i have been very confused in the past. the battle between doing what i think is right, and doing what i want, especially if i felt the two clash. sometimes doing what is right and doing what i want are the same, yet sometimes i have to choose. i think one thing that has changed in my heart within the last couple months is that i am truly happy (well thats been within the last 3 weeks), and i have really reevaluated the influence of people in my life. I dont allow people to make me feel inferior or allow them to confuse me in regards to what direction i feel like i should go. I am not allowing people's expectations become a cause for me to be held back. I am not allowing what others think i should do influence what my true hearts desire may be. once i set aside what i thought others wanted me to be. when i let go of others dreams for me. once i looked into who i am and saw what i really wanted. i really saw what i wanted. it was so simple, yet the letting go was somewhat complicated. so now i am happy. i am not continually trying to impress people, i can walk into a room and realize my worth without approval. i am truly fulfilling my hearts desires, or at least exploring what they are in a new light. I really dont think that i have ever been happier. more content, more at peace or felt more secure in my life. i am obtaining my dream life. simple, full of love, limited stress, companionship...I STILL REALLY LIKE HIM!!! yesterday i traded my car in for a Jetta, it was a really good deal. its white with a sunroof, its beautiful. it was just one more thing to make me see how much my dreams are coming true (since i have wanted one since before i could drive). I have someone in my life that I never thought i would ever have. He fits with me, and i respect him. I have a job that fits all my talents within the service industry (keeps burn out to a minimum). I am more focused on things that i like to do, and opening up to change and living at a different pace and with a different purpose in life.
there really is a freedom when you dont live to appease people. i am not fighting with God because i dont care if i maintain a rebellious image. because i dont care to impress people, i am more open to revealing my true self and my true desires. i dont stand back and wish i could (always worrying in my head what people will think), and not doing it, but just doing it. I am tending to live a more honorable life because i am not trying to prove a particular image to anyone. My worth or success is not based on what society, or anything else, but based on how my God views me. There is such freedom in only having to be approved by one, and the fact that HE took all the steps in order to make me approved...i simply had to decide to be approved. I think i am happy now because i am not fighting anymore. I am not trying to control life, i am simply allowing life to be lived. Freedom. My ultimate dream being fulfilled.
c.ALIce
Saturday, August 20, 2005
really like it
last night i worked a banquet at work, it was a lot of fun. The restaurant overlooks the illinois river and there was a lighting storm, SO beautiful, how it lit up the entire sky. on my way home there are just corn feilds and a lighting storn in the distance and you could see everything. i love storms, rain, thunder, and lighting. reminds me of sitting on the porch in norwood with the candles lit with good friends and just talking.
i hung out with Brinlee yesterday, and finally met Josh (Nat's cousin). i am supposed to move in there today, but i dont think that there is much to move, other than clothes and some random items. i have a room and a bathroom to myself. It will be good i think. we have plans to meet the mother on tuesday. i think it will be fine. i am actually excited to meet her. i still need to meet grandpa pflederer...apparently he is "good stock"
i was supposed to work tonight, but they are short staffed so it wouldnt be efficient training..so i dont go back till monday. that means i get to hang out with my honey tonight. i miss him. i havent seen him as much this week as in past weeks because our schedules are opposite.
becky is coming back through tomorrow, so that will be great! i like having people familiar around (other than Nat). Brinlee seems really cool. I am going to do a womans bible study with her church...Beth Moore's Patriarchs. I think it will be cool to go through since it is about the Holy Lands, and having a new perspective from being there.
i fixed my schedule at work so that i am off sunday, monday and tuesday...that way i can come home more often. otherwise i would have to get people to cover my shifts in order to come home on the weekends because everyone has a set schedule and there are not request off books. i thought that was a good decision.
i miss everyone. i am going to try to come home soon...just waiting to get a little more established at work so i will have some money to travel with....and money to pay my bills. i am going to apply to be a substitute for tazewell county. i will be able to work days but still be out in time to go to work at Jonahs. i have considered teaching and this will give me a glipse into what it is all about. i think it will be fun actually...and it seems pretty flexible, its not steady monday through friday so that will still allow me to come home some weekends without having to work out a schedule. its really not that hard. all i have to do is get a physical and an original copy of my degree, then i am on the list!! i dunno, seems like a cool thing to do. i wanted to teach in different countries, and i think with a little sub experience, i can know whether or now i really want to do that.
Life is great. I feel very secure here, and surrounded by beauty. Some people may think that moving to no mans land was a limit to me, without oppurtunities, but i much prefer the simple life than the hussel and bussel of city living. i love sitting outside and hearing crickets and the potential for my own garden, and not all the stress and worry. I am truly happy here, though i miss everyone.
i hope everything is well with everyone!! love you all dearly
c.ALIce
i hung out with Brinlee yesterday, and finally met Josh (Nat's cousin). i am supposed to move in there today, but i dont think that there is much to move, other than clothes and some random items. i have a room and a bathroom to myself. It will be good i think. we have plans to meet the mother on tuesday. i think it will be fine. i am actually excited to meet her. i still need to meet grandpa pflederer...apparently he is "good stock"
i was supposed to work tonight, but they are short staffed so it wouldnt be efficient training..so i dont go back till monday. that means i get to hang out with my honey tonight. i miss him. i havent seen him as much this week as in past weeks because our schedules are opposite.
becky is coming back through tomorrow, so that will be great! i like having people familiar around (other than Nat). Brinlee seems really cool. I am going to do a womans bible study with her church...Beth Moore's Patriarchs. I think it will be cool to go through since it is about the Holy Lands, and having a new perspective from being there.
i fixed my schedule at work so that i am off sunday, monday and tuesday...that way i can come home more often. otherwise i would have to get people to cover my shifts in order to come home on the weekends because everyone has a set schedule and there are not request off books. i thought that was a good decision.
i miss everyone. i am going to try to come home soon...just waiting to get a little more established at work so i will have some money to travel with....and money to pay my bills. i am going to apply to be a substitute for tazewell county. i will be able to work days but still be out in time to go to work at Jonahs. i have considered teaching and this will give me a glipse into what it is all about. i think it will be fun actually...and it seems pretty flexible, its not steady monday through friday so that will still allow me to come home some weekends without having to work out a schedule. its really not that hard. all i have to do is get a physical and an original copy of my degree, then i am on the list!! i dunno, seems like a cool thing to do. i wanted to teach in different countries, and i think with a little sub experience, i can know whether or now i really want to do that.
Life is great. I feel very secure here, and surrounded by beauty. Some people may think that moving to no mans land was a limit to me, without oppurtunities, but i much prefer the simple life than the hussel and bussel of city living. i love sitting outside and hearing crickets and the potential for my own garden, and not all the stress and worry. I am truly happy here, though i miss everyone.
i hope everything is well with everyone!! love you all dearly
c.ALIce
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
birthday girl...CHERYL....26 again!
DID YOU ALL WISH CHERYL A HAPPY BIRTHDAY???? HER BIRTHDAY WAS THE 16TH..YESTERDAY!!!
the JOB, the CAR, the MOVE
I started last night at my new job, i really like it, though there is tons to learn. i did alot of standing around last night, listening to people tell me table numbers and drink garnishes. i am off tonight because Becky is coming here to hang out on her way to Minnesota. I am very excited. I went car shopping yesterday, found a jetta that wouldnt higher my payments, 2005, but i just didnt feel right about it. i am trying to get myself out of debt, not accrue more. I dont hate my car, the gas milage is much to be desired, but she still runs, and she can get me through the winter. my insurance would go up about $40/month, and that kind of defeats the purpose. plus they called today and said that the payment was going to be higher, because what they quoted me was "approximate" just like a car dealer eh? i think more than anything, i would just like to NOT have a car loan hangin over my head. I am glad that i have a job, but i am still bored. i am still looking into a day job, just to occupy myself and help get back ahead in my finances. I can totally relate with EVERYBODY, MONEY SUCKS!! I just really want to be done with it. I am tempted to sell everything i own just to get out of it, but unfortunately, everything i own will only get me like 3000, cause i dont have anything. i like it like that though, less you have to worry about moving, or getting taken from you. I think that i have really just got to the point where the whole stressing over money is over, i am just gonna kick it in the butt and move on with life. i am sick of dealing with it. its all about toys anyway, and i want to spend my earnings on something i bit more eternal i guess. i dont need much to be happy, and less is more.
So I am considering moving out of Nat's house. Such a hard decision though because I would really like to stay here, but I know that above all it is morally compromising. Part of me doesnt have a problem with it, and the other part of me knows its not the best solution. so i am going to talk to brinlee today (cousins wife) because they have an extra room with bath that they will let me stay in, though i am sure i will be here a lot of the time, or working, but i think it might be the best decision, if it works out the way it should. I dont know, its like do you let others allow their views to change your preception, or do you do what you want, even though what you want may not be "right" we will figure it out.
So thats whats going on here. Still working on getting everything in place and settled. Too much time not doing anything can drive me crazy, so i find things to do. i have a list of errands i have to run today...oh FUN!!!
love you all!
c.ALIce
So I am considering moving out of Nat's house. Such a hard decision though because I would really like to stay here, but I know that above all it is morally compromising. Part of me doesnt have a problem with it, and the other part of me knows its not the best solution. so i am going to talk to brinlee today (cousins wife) because they have an extra room with bath that they will let me stay in, though i am sure i will be here a lot of the time, or working, but i think it might be the best decision, if it works out the way it should. I dont know, its like do you let others allow their views to change your preception, or do you do what you want, even though what you want may not be "right" we will figure it out.
So thats whats going on here. Still working on getting everything in place and settled. Too much time not doing anything can drive me crazy, so i find things to do. i have a list of errands i have to run today...oh FUN!!!
love you all!
c.ALIce
Monday, August 15, 2005
Sisters: Part Three
Emma emma is one of those people (again that i stole from carol) that you can sit and talk to for hours, or you can sit and stare at each other and its okay. she sees life from a different perspective than most all my other friends, which is a relief. She is someone you can tell secrets to and not worry about whether she will judge you on a spiritual level. she is loyal to people even when they walk all over her, which shows her endurance, yet i think she is getting to a point in her life where she realizes what TRUE friends are and what they offer. she is smitten by an incredible guy, and honestly he is the lucky one!! she is real about who she is, what she struggles with and what her desires are, and they are not necessarily based on what she thinks GOD wants her to do. She is fun to be around and i really miss our tuesday night dates.
Jen Edwards oh girl you have been around!! jen is another one of those friends in which our time in the same city has been limited, but it doesnt matter. i know that i can call on her whenever i need to. she gives great advice and truly cares about you and your dreams. i dont think college would have been the same without the ransom notes and water fights, or her fridge with dijon mustard, white american and turkey!! she is beautiful and talented and daring and graceful. A classic beauty and a gentle spirit. she too is non-judgmental and allows me to be me with no exceptions.
Danielle oh what do we say about our smitten lover? how LUCKy is the man that gets to spend his life with such a loving and compassionate person?!?!? The best thing i could say about Danielle is that she loves, like no one else, and i seriously think that she has allowed for incredible healing since i first met her. She loves art, which is definaltey part of my heart and she can see your true desires without you saying a word. She listens like no one else. i can be sitting at dinner with her, mention that i want to go to Italy, and for a graduation gift months later i recieved a map of Italy and an Italian travel/phrase book...thats just what she does. she pays attention to the smallest details and makes them extra-ordinary. She cares deeply about using every oppurtunity to make you feel special and loved. She is an encouragement to me.
Sarah C Yes this is CRAYNON...my lover (hahahha =)) i seriously have SO much fun with her! People say she is anal...what?!?! With me she has always been laid back and cool. She is determined, TOO intelligent and always has something bigger and better up her sleeve. She has definately been there when i needed her most, never fails to answer the phone or at least call back. Still to this day we have no idea when, where and how we met...guess cause we were joined from another life! I have seen her figure out her spirituality on her own terms, and it is amazing to watch. She is so humble (though she has a streak in her)...and she is constantly seeking (which is a great quality to have, because when you think you have it all figured out, you are lying to yourself). I have never known her to be one to care what anyone else thought, shes just Sarah, and if she pretended to be anyone else, i wouldnt love her! She offers sound and wise advice, and has the strength of will to accomplish anything she puts her mind to.
There are many more people that i would put her, like Christian from Russia, Sarah Nunery from college, Mandi from Hopkinsville.....but i dont think that they even read this thing...but know that they all play a very special role in my life, but i just dont talk to them as much as i should/could.
now for the best of the best!! The Truest and best of them all. The 2 people i know would be with me from hell to high water and have proven their undying loyalty to me over years and years. i have had more fights and arguments with the two below than all the rest combined, but I also have had the most fun (maybe ten fold) than anyone else as well. I seriously think that there would be a void in my life if either one of them didnt exist. You cant really even put into words what having incredible sisters like i have really means. GOD truly knew what He was doing when He designed our family. Giving us the most complete and nurturing system for our individualities. Below is just an Exerpt, i definaltey could write novels on everything my sisters mean to me.
Cheryl is awesome, she is so generous and compassionate and beautiful beyond skin deep, yet she limits herself based on her view of herself based on the fickle views of society. i just wish that she could look in the mirror and really see...and not just see but KNOW who she is. She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. she sacrifices so much of herself for the benefit of others, and simply sits back and basks in the happiness of those she helps. she is a loyal friend, i have not known her to ever turn her back on a friend, and even continues to pursue friendships with people that may not really care about her, or value her as much as those closest to her. she puts on a good show at being the quiet reserved one, but dont let that fool you. she can cut up and be sarcastic with the best of them. She is fun to be with, playful and laid back. she is definately a security in my life. to know that whatever life throws at me, and whereever she is, she will open up her heart and door to me. If she could find a profession that allowed her to truly fulfill her hearts desires, i think she would forever live in mexico in a garbage dump, or be a stay at home mother. Her compassion and love for people of all races, ages and religion is unsurpassed. She has this determined bone in her, a stubborn one just like her dad, that wont allow her to just quit, although considered, she will always bounce back with 100 times more vigor and determination.
Carol is incredible as well. she awes me with this unfailing passion for God, and how it penetrates her entire life. i have seen her change into this graceful and determined individual, yet she is patient, compassionate and non-judgemental (how did we all end up like that?). Her heart swells with every oppurtunity to bust the myths of what people think GOD is and gentle puzzles them into realizing truth. She is an inspiration to anyone that meets her. Giving perfect strangers small glimpses of a true disciple, and the truth in that. the truth that it doesnt have to rule your life, or rather, its simple. not complex or a special formula, its just simply allowing GOD to reveal Himself to you. Thats what i love about Carol, is that she simply is who GOD designed her to be, no makeup, nothing false, and not trying to make it something its not, but a sincere ability to look into lives of other people and help you see that you are human, and giving an abundance of grace to regards to that. she doesnt try to change you, she just reaches out and allows GOD to use her to speak for Him. Her words will be the means of millions of changed lives. They will free captives of thought and performance, and encourage people to allow GOD to love on them, and the truth in that, is that allowing people to be loved, opens them up to allowing GOD to do that changing. She also is determined. and diligent. who in their right mind gets up at 5am to do homework?!?!?! She devoted her life, love and blood to truth. She is wise, and can see that things that most all of us are blinded to. She shares her revelations, with such energy that you cant help but want to see from her perspective.
Jen Edwards oh girl you have been around!! jen is another one of those friends in which our time in the same city has been limited, but it doesnt matter. i know that i can call on her whenever i need to. she gives great advice and truly cares about you and your dreams. i dont think college would have been the same without the ransom notes and water fights, or her fridge with dijon mustard, white american and turkey!! she is beautiful and talented and daring and graceful. A classic beauty and a gentle spirit. she too is non-judgmental and allows me to be me with no exceptions.
Danielle oh what do we say about our smitten lover? how LUCKy is the man that gets to spend his life with such a loving and compassionate person?!?!? The best thing i could say about Danielle is that she loves, like no one else, and i seriously think that she has allowed for incredible healing since i first met her. She loves art, which is definaltey part of my heart and she can see your true desires without you saying a word. She listens like no one else. i can be sitting at dinner with her, mention that i want to go to Italy, and for a graduation gift months later i recieved a map of Italy and an Italian travel/phrase book...thats just what she does. she pays attention to the smallest details and makes them extra-ordinary. She cares deeply about using every oppurtunity to make you feel special and loved. She is an encouragement to me.
Sarah C Yes this is CRAYNON...my lover (hahahha =)) i seriously have SO much fun with her! People say she is anal...what?!?! With me she has always been laid back and cool. She is determined, TOO intelligent and always has something bigger and better up her sleeve. She has definately been there when i needed her most, never fails to answer the phone or at least call back. Still to this day we have no idea when, where and how we met...guess cause we were joined from another life! I have seen her figure out her spirituality on her own terms, and it is amazing to watch. She is so humble (though she has a streak in her)...and she is constantly seeking (which is a great quality to have, because when you think you have it all figured out, you are lying to yourself). I have never known her to be one to care what anyone else thought, shes just Sarah, and if she pretended to be anyone else, i wouldnt love her! She offers sound and wise advice, and has the strength of will to accomplish anything she puts her mind to.
There are many more people that i would put her, like Christian from Russia, Sarah Nunery from college, Mandi from Hopkinsville.....but i dont think that they even read this thing...but know that they all play a very special role in my life, but i just dont talk to them as much as i should/could.
now for the best of the best!! The Truest and best of them all. The 2 people i know would be with me from hell to high water and have proven their undying loyalty to me over years and years. i have had more fights and arguments with the two below than all the rest combined, but I also have had the most fun (maybe ten fold) than anyone else as well. I seriously think that there would be a void in my life if either one of them didnt exist. You cant really even put into words what having incredible sisters like i have really means. GOD truly knew what He was doing when He designed our family. Giving us the most complete and nurturing system for our individualities. Below is just an Exerpt, i definaltey could write novels on everything my sisters mean to me.
Cheryl is awesome, she is so generous and compassionate and beautiful beyond skin deep, yet she limits herself based on her view of herself based on the fickle views of society. i just wish that she could look in the mirror and really see...and not just see but KNOW who she is. She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. she sacrifices so much of herself for the benefit of others, and simply sits back and basks in the happiness of those she helps. she is a loyal friend, i have not known her to ever turn her back on a friend, and even continues to pursue friendships with people that may not really care about her, or value her as much as those closest to her. she puts on a good show at being the quiet reserved one, but dont let that fool you. she can cut up and be sarcastic with the best of them. She is fun to be with, playful and laid back. she is definately a security in my life. to know that whatever life throws at me, and whereever she is, she will open up her heart and door to me. If she could find a profession that allowed her to truly fulfill her hearts desires, i think she would forever live in mexico in a garbage dump, or be a stay at home mother. Her compassion and love for people of all races, ages and religion is unsurpassed. She has this determined bone in her, a stubborn one just like her dad, that wont allow her to just quit, although considered, she will always bounce back with 100 times more vigor and determination.
Carol is incredible as well. she awes me with this unfailing passion for God, and how it penetrates her entire life. i have seen her change into this graceful and determined individual, yet she is patient, compassionate and non-judgemental (how did we all end up like that?). Her heart swells with every oppurtunity to bust the myths of what people think GOD is and gentle puzzles them into realizing truth. She is an inspiration to anyone that meets her. Giving perfect strangers small glimpses of a true disciple, and the truth in that. the truth that it doesnt have to rule your life, or rather, its simple. not complex or a special formula, its just simply allowing GOD to reveal Himself to you. Thats what i love about Carol, is that she simply is who GOD designed her to be, no makeup, nothing false, and not trying to make it something its not, but a sincere ability to look into lives of other people and help you see that you are human, and giving an abundance of grace to regards to that. she doesnt try to change you, she just reaches out and allows GOD to use her to speak for Him. Her words will be the means of millions of changed lives. They will free captives of thought and performance, and encourage people to allow GOD to love on them, and the truth in that, is that allowing people to be loved, opens them up to allowing GOD to do that changing. She also is determined. and diligent. who in their right mind gets up at 5am to do homework?!?!?! She devoted her life, love and blood to truth. She is wise, and can see that things that most all of us are blinded to. She shares her revelations, with such energy that you cant help but want to see from her perspective.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Sisters: Part Two
Cindy She has been around for a long time. Although i have not held many long talks with her, i know that i could. She has developed this unbridled desire for God. She too is loyal. One that would do anything for you. She did not start out as my friend, but over time, she has become one. She is giving and loving. She is quiet about what she truly struggles with, and in that she is strong and independent. I have watched the transformation from new bethel to underground. She has always been one to soak up God. what i love about her is her love for music. she sees music as the ultimate avenue to reaching people for GOD. she wants to see young people come into a genuine relationship with God, because in that realness, lies endurance. She has been through so much, and i think over the years she has really allowed GOD to heal her hurts. She has learned to lean on Him for all her needs, and the reality of who He is and what HE is capable of has transformed her life from one of a follower to a great leader. She desires for being to see all the greatness of GOD, and restore their hope in what HIS LOVE can accomplish.
Kadie My kindred spirit...I consider that of the greatest honors. she is simply amazing. She is strong and determined not to allow life to destroy her. Oh i could sit for hours on end talking to her about anything. she can see into the soul and pull out your desires and love you despite yourself. she is supportive and is the free-est person i have ever met. Her concept of life is not that of fame, honor or wealth, but of simple obedience and bringing as many people into their true selves as GOD would allow her. She has a passion for art and using the talents and abilities God gave her to glorify Him, and trusting Him solely for her overall well-being. That is a trust that i lack, and if i could, i would support any endeavor she pursues because i know that she does not pursue them for personal gain, but for the glory of GOD. she is my dearest and lovely kadie, always pursuing after the joy of living a life sold out to GOD. she is one that really keeps me accountable, asking all the right questions and seeing life through the rose-colored lens of Gods love and will. she is so brave, and i respect her so much. she relys on GOD for so much, and most of the time i stand in awe at what she goes through to be all HE wants her to be, such strength in dealing with issues.
Nessa From the first moment i met her, i think i knew there was no getting rid of her, and i was not going to be one that complained. Nessa was seriously my life's grace in LA. i will forever love her for that. I think that we are kin from another life. somehow GOD knew years ago that we would step into each others paths and prepared it so that it was perfect timing. She has so much desire to draw close to GOD, and I seriously pray that GOD will bring strength and passion into her life to draw close on her own terms. She is kind-hearted and selfless. She has got a fire in her though, a strength that i know is there, but have yet to see. She is a free-spirit, someone that wants to experience every crevice of life, and to make it worth while. I know i will appreciate her more and more as time goes by.
To be continued.....
Kadie My kindred spirit...I consider that of the greatest honors. she is simply amazing. She is strong and determined not to allow life to destroy her. Oh i could sit for hours on end talking to her about anything. she can see into the soul and pull out your desires and love you despite yourself. she is supportive and is the free-est person i have ever met. Her concept of life is not that of fame, honor or wealth, but of simple obedience and bringing as many people into their true selves as GOD would allow her. She has a passion for art and using the talents and abilities God gave her to glorify Him, and trusting Him solely for her overall well-being. That is a trust that i lack, and if i could, i would support any endeavor she pursues because i know that she does not pursue them for personal gain, but for the glory of GOD. she is my dearest and lovely kadie, always pursuing after the joy of living a life sold out to GOD. she is one that really keeps me accountable, asking all the right questions and seeing life through the rose-colored lens of Gods love and will. she is so brave, and i respect her so much. she relys on GOD for so much, and most of the time i stand in awe at what she goes through to be all HE wants her to be, such strength in dealing with issues.
Nessa From the first moment i met her, i think i knew there was no getting rid of her, and i was not going to be one that complained. Nessa was seriously my life's grace in LA. i will forever love her for that. I think that we are kin from another life. somehow GOD knew years ago that we would step into each others paths and prepared it so that it was perfect timing. She has so much desire to draw close to GOD, and I seriously pray that GOD will bring strength and passion into her life to draw close on her own terms. She is kind-hearted and selfless. She has got a fire in her though, a strength that i know is there, but have yet to see. She is a free-spirit, someone that wants to experience every crevice of life, and to make it worth while. I know i will appreciate her more and more as time goes by.
To be continued.....
Sisters: Part One
I am really going to try not to talk about the boy, i am going to express some intense revelations.
i am truly overly blessed with incredible sisters, and you all know this because most of you have adopted them as your own as well. i really love the fact that my sisters are my best friends and that we live in a drama-free and supportive environment. i am lucky not to have nagging and judgemental sisters, that even though we are so different and have such unique personalities and talents, we get along so well and we have a lot of the same friends and can relate to them.
"Becoming real doesn't happen overnight, nor is it possible without some effort, but when it happens, we expereince a freedom unimagined."
i love this!! it was in cheryls blog. sometimes i wish people (especially those i love) to be able to see themselves as i see them.
Kati kati and i were friends from the first day we met, although I am sure exactly when that was because she came into my life and it was if she was always there. we have been through so much, through her boyfriends/love interests, through some college, through funky monkey and the "duck", we have been locked in a cage, and have experienced the joys and trajedies of life together. she has always been a sorta mother-hen in my life. always trying to make sure that whatever decision i made was truly for my best interest. its not a nosey, nagging kind of mothering, but a gentle love and true compassion from her heart. i truly respect her for all the sacrifices she has made in her life to live up to this incredible idea of who GOD would want her to be. she is a shining example to so many people with her quiet strength and unfailing love. she is the type of person that will envelope your soul in love and support, even to the point that it she allows you to make mistakes and learn on your own terms. she is physically phenomenal, absolutely stunning and classic. although she may not realize it all the time, i think she has truly come to terms with her value beyond skin deep. i think each day and each experience she goes through, she allows GOD to penetrate into her life and change her, and to be moldable by the most high is one of life's greatest achievments. you will forever be GOD's Lil Princess
Sa you all know her well, our (as her dad would put it) "little angel" It is so fitting. She is truly wise beyond her years, and as much as she would like to hide it, she is still young. She is giving with her love, her heart is magnificent. She draws closer and closer each day to this vision of what GOD desires her to be. At a crucial time in life where she has a choice to draw closer to GOD for guidance or figure it out on her own, she gentle lets Him lead her whereever, no matter how challenging or uncomfortable she may think it is. This level of obedience has taken most of us years to master, and to her, it just comes naturally. She is so artistic and creative and unique. There will never be another. What does she offer to me? I dont think i can figure it all out, but she offers me hugs when she doesnt know how much i need them. she offers me sincerity of her mind and soul. though quiet, she speaks volumes. she offers this silent spirit, and probing life questions and this simplicity, this great simplicity to learn from others and to not focus her life on things that will quickly fade away. She will continue to let GOD mold her life, because in the deepest parts of her, she KNOWS He is good and ever-faithful.
Becky although a new sister in the fold. and many of you havent been able to spend too much time with her, she is definately an extra-ordinary woman of GOD. She has been a witness to me in the element of faith in God and hope in God's plan. She loves and is loyal. She is also strong. She is learning to let God rule her life in every aspect, even if it is not what she really expected/wanted. She has a heart for people, and people that come in contact with her can see her genuity. She leads the struggling to fresh water, she encourages without words (at least not in english ;)) and can dig deep into your soul before you even know what hit you. She has a servants-heart and a passion for seeing people for who they are, not necessarily where they are. i am still in the process of learning Becky. She loves to dance, and have a good time and i love that about her, but she can also sit for hours and delve into the deepest crevices of life. i am so excited because becky is coming to visit on wednesday and she gets to meet NAT!!! shes so lucky!!!
Abbi oh she is so grown up!! but despite our minimal age difference, i never saw her as less than an equal with me. we too have been through so much in the past. growing up at new bethel all the drama insued there. she has always been very honest about herself. i cant remember a time when abbi attempted to be anyone but Abbi. she is so open to serve and help others with no regard for herself. she is unselfish and compassionate. she sees the needs of others and desires to be used by GOD to change the world. She has such a big heart and such big dreams, and a patience that surpasses me, to allow God to move in big ways in her life. She is ever striving to be honorable in every aspect of her life, and that is contagious.
Amber oh really, what can one say about amber!?!? i love her to death. she is always finding new ways to be a good friend, always striving to make sure you feel appreciated and loved. never fails to make you feel so special and loved. she is very strong individual and also very giving, honest and sincere. she will listen to you for hours, and always make sure that you feel like your feelings and experiences are valid. she is always available for you, and can always make you laugh about anything. amber and i unfortunately havent lived in close proximity for ver y much time as friends, but somehow we have managed to keep in touch after so many years (can you believe its been 8 years???). she too was one of those people i knew i would have in my life for a very long time, if not within distance, definately in our hearts and thoughts.
Steph Arvin Ya know what i love most about stephanie...everything. She lives her life with no regard for what others will think or how they will percieve her. She experiences life to its fullest, taking every oppurtunity to expand her intellect and experiences. She is easy to talk to and always has her door open. I love the fact that she lives to the fullest, and that she loves deeply. She truly surrounds herself with healthy relationships and rarely settles for anything less. She is non-judgemental and non-condemning and can truly be happy for you. It was rocky at first, but i love her dearly now and wouldnt trade her for the world's treasures. she really inspires me in many aspects of my life.
to be continued.....
i am truly overly blessed with incredible sisters, and you all know this because most of you have adopted them as your own as well. i really love the fact that my sisters are my best friends and that we live in a drama-free and supportive environment. i am lucky not to have nagging and judgemental sisters, that even though we are so different and have such unique personalities and talents, we get along so well and we have a lot of the same friends and can relate to them.
"Becoming real doesn't happen overnight, nor is it possible without some effort, but when it happens, we expereince a freedom unimagined."
i love this!! it was in cheryls blog. sometimes i wish people (especially those i love) to be able to see themselves as i see them.
Kati kati and i were friends from the first day we met, although I am sure exactly when that was because she came into my life and it was if she was always there. we have been through so much, through her boyfriends/love interests, through some college, through funky monkey and the "duck", we have been locked in a cage, and have experienced the joys and trajedies of life together. she has always been a sorta mother-hen in my life. always trying to make sure that whatever decision i made was truly for my best interest. its not a nosey, nagging kind of mothering, but a gentle love and true compassion from her heart. i truly respect her for all the sacrifices she has made in her life to live up to this incredible idea of who GOD would want her to be. she is a shining example to so many people with her quiet strength and unfailing love. she is the type of person that will envelope your soul in love and support, even to the point that it she allows you to make mistakes and learn on your own terms. she is physically phenomenal, absolutely stunning and classic. although she may not realize it all the time, i think she has truly come to terms with her value beyond skin deep. i think each day and each experience she goes through, she allows GOD to penetrate into her life and change her, and to be moldable by the most high is one of life's greatest achievments. you will forever be GOD's Lil Princess
Sa you all know her well, our (as her dad would put it) "little angel" It is so fitting. She is truly wise beyond her years, and as much as she would like to hide it, she is still young. She is giving with her love, her heart is magnificent. She draws closer and closer each day to this vision of what GOD desires her to be. At a crucial time in life where she has a choice to draw closer to GOD for guidance or figure it out on her own, she gentle lets Him lead her whereever, no matter how challenging or uncomfortable she may think it is. This level of obedience has taken most of us years to master, and to her, it just comes naturally. She is so artistic and creative and unique. There will never be another. What does she offer to me? I dont think i can figure it all out, but she offers me hugs when she doesnt know how much i need them. she offers me sincerity of her mind and soul. though quiet, she speaks volumes. she offers this silent spirit, and probing life questions and this simplicity, this great simplicity to learn from others and to not focus her life on things that will quickly fade away. She will continue to let GOD mold her life, because in the deepest parts of her, she KNOWS He is good and ever-faithful.
Becky although a new sister in the fold. and many of you havent been able to spend too much time with her, she is definately an extra-ordinary woman of GOD. She has been a witness to me in the element of faith in God and hope in God's plan. She loves and is loyal. She is also strong. She is learning to let God rule her life in every aspect, even if it is not what she really expected/wanted. She has a heart for people, and people that come in contact with her can see her genuity. She leads the struggling to fresh water, she encourages without words (at least not in english ;)) and can dig deep into your soul before you even know what hit you. She has a servants-heart and a passion for seeing people for who they are, not necessarily where they are. i am still in the process of learning Becky. She loves to dance, and have a good time and i love that about her, but she can also sit for hours and delve into the deepest crevices of life. i am so excited because becky is coming to visit on wednesday and she gets to meet NAT!!! shes so lucky!!!
Abbi oh she is so grown up!! but despite our minimal age difference, i never saw her as less than an equal with me. we too have been through so much in the past. growing up at new bethel all the drama insued there. she has always been very honest about herself. i cant remember a time when abbi attempted to be anyone but Abbi. she is so open to serve and help others with no regard for herself. she is unselfish and compassionate. she sees the needs of others and desires to be used by GOD to change the world. She has such a big heart and such big dreams, and a patience that surpasses me, to allow God to move in big ways in her life. She is ever striving to be honorable in every aspect of her life, and that is contagious.
Amber oh really, what can one say about amber!?!? i love her to death. she is always finding new ways to be a good friend, always striving to make sure you feel appreciated and loved. never fails to make you feel so special and loved. she is very strong individual and also very giving, honest and sincere. she will listen to you for hours, and always make sure that you feel like your feelings and experiences are valid. she is always available for you, and can always make you laugh about anything. amber and i unfortunately havent lived in close proximity for ver y much time as friends, but somehow we have managed to keep in touch after so many years (can you believe its been 8 years???). she too was one of those people i knew i would have in my life for a very long time, if not within distance, definately in our hearts and thoughts.
Steph Arvin Ya know what i love most about stephanie...everything. She lives her life with no regard for what others will think or how they will percieve her. She experiences life to its fullest, taking every oppurtunity to expand her intellect and experiences. She is easy to talk to and always has her door open. I love the fact that she lives to the fullest, and that she loves deeply. She truly surrounds herself with healthy relationships and rarely settles for anything less. She is non-judgemental and non-condemning and can truly be happy for you. It was rocky at first, but i love her dearly now and wouldnt trade her for the world's treasures. she really inspires me in many aspects of my life.
to be continued.....
Saturday, August 13, 2005
time gets away
i feel like i write on here alot but i guess it has been a couple days. for those that dont know, yes i am living in illinois, yes i am living with my "boyfriend" (still feels sorta weird to call him that), yes, i am happy. it may come as a shock to some of you that i would decide to live with my beaux, especially only after knowing him for a week. its been about 2 and a half weeks since i met him. i was never one to be patient about anything, and as much as some of you dont agree with my decision, i feel very much at peace about it. thats the thrill of living life, is that you dont have to mimic it after anyone elses. and for only knowing him for 2 weeks, i feel like i have known him for a lifetime.
i miss everyone, but its not like in LA was i was desperately homesick. I definately wish that i lived closer to everyone, but its kind of a start over to be here and not know anyone, and making new friends. last night we played poker with like 13 other people. it was a very age-diverse group (and yall know how i love to flirt with the older men)...it was very fun. i actually did pretty well for not have ever played before. but i would like to be able to call people up and hang out or grab dinner or blue ice cream or long talks on the deck or go dancing, and i miss all those things, but i am here.
today we slept in and then Nat drove me to Peoria to show me around and how to get around construction. we went to lunch at cheddars, pretty good food. and we bought madden 2006, and i am afraid that i lost my boyfriend to the evil that is called "xbox". just kidding. i actually played with him for a bit, its fun, but frustrating because when i play video games, its just pushing random buttons to see what happens, but with madden, ya kinda have to know, although the computer does alot of the work for you. i am going to conspire and learn it while he is at work so i can kick his butt when we do play! maybe not, i am not sure my attention span is that good.
so i did get a job. I went to jonahs in peoria (seafood restaurant). prices are comparable to encore so i am not really worried about the money making, but i am also looking into still getting a day job because i want to pay some stuff off. i was very excited to get the job because i am broke and it seems like a great place to work, the manager loves me already (but really, how could you not?). so i start on tuesday night. the part that really sucks is that is the opposite of nat's schedule and i have a feeling i will be working weekends, so that means i will have to visit during the week. Nat and i were talking today about when he can come meet everyone, just seems like our schedules arent in sync for about a month. i really want you all to meet him, but being that i have so many friends, i also dont want to bombard him. mom wanted me to come down labor day weekend so that he come to the bond reunion on saturday and the burchett on sunday....are you crazy?? i wouldn't even put MYSELF through such torture. its one thing to meet all my friends at the same time, its TOTALLY different to meet all my family in two days. i mean, I AVOID family functions, not that they are not a great family, but all the questions....and weird looks and unknown faces and i just dont like it.
ya know, i really think that i will marry this guy. its so weird to say that, but at the same time, i really cant imagine myself with anyone else. i already love his family (future favorite sister in law being nessa) and dad is great and mom is yet to be determined. but there are just so many things i love about him, i dont want it to get old too quickly and being taken for granted anytime soon, i think thats what scares me the most. i just dont want it to fade away and then look back in 6 months and be bored. i dont really foresee that happening, but it still is something that crosses my mind. but i guess i feel like if it ever got to that point, there would be no one else to get through it with.
so life right now is good. i am looking forward to having a job, i think if i didnt have one much longer i would go stir crazy. but i keep myself pretty busy, its like a full time job looking for a job!! i also have some other things that i am looking into, so that should keep my days busy until i get a day job i am willing to take (i figure i can be choosey now that i have some means of income).
i kind of feel bad that i am not sharing any deep profound revelations about life, like i used to. i guess in the hussle and bussle of all this newness, i have pretty much thought about the man, the job, and all the things i want to do. if i write too much about the boy, ya'll will get bored. you all seem very supportive, despite the fact my time there was limited. its hard to get used to. i am definately trying to find those balances in life. the balance of boyfriend and friends/family, the balance of my time and not smothering, the balance of job and paying bills. i guess my view of life has transferred from where do i want to be and what do i want to do, to what will i do today and what can i do today to get me where i want to be. can you really take life more than one day at a time?
i love you all!!
c.ALIce
i miss everyone, but its not like in LA was i was desperately homesick. I definately wish that i lived closer to everyone, but its kind of a start over to be here and not know anyone, and making new friends. last night we played poker with like 13 other people. it was a very age-diverse group (and yall know how i love to flirt with the older men)...it was very fun. i actually did pretty well for not have ever played before. but i would like to be able to call people up and hang out or grab dinner or blue ice cream or long talks on the deck or go dancing, and i miss all those things, but i am here.
today we slept in and then Nat drove me to Peoria to show me around and how to get around construction. we went to lunch at cheddars, pretty good food. and we bought madden 2006, and i am afraid that i lost my boyfriend to the evil that is called "xbox". just kidding. i actually played with him for a bit, its fun, but frustrating because when i play video games, its just pushing random buttons to see what happens, but with madden, ya kinda have to know, although the computer does alot of the work for you. i am going to conspire and learn it while he is at work so i can kick his butt when we do play! maybe not, i am not sure my attention span is that good.
so i did get a job. I went to jonahs in peoria (seafood restaurant). prices are comparable to encore so i am not really worried about the money making, but i am also looking into still getting a day job because i want to pay some stuff off. i was very excited to get the job because i am broke and it seems like a great place to work, the manager loves me already (but really, how could you not?). so i start on tuesday night. the part that really sucks is that is the opposite of nat's schedule and i have a feeling i will be working weekends, so that means i will have to visit during the week. Nat and i were talking today about when he can come meet everyone, just seems like our schedules arent in sync for about a month. i really want you all to meet him, but being that i have so many friends, i also dont want to bombard him. mom wanted me to come down labor day weekend so that he come to the bond reunion on saturday and the burchett on sunday....are you crazy?? i wouldn't even put MYSELF through such torture. its one thing to meet all my friends at the same time, its TOTALLY different to meet all my family in two days. i mean, I AVOID family functions, not that they are not a great family, but all the questions....and weird looks and unknown faces and i just dont like it.
ya know, i really think that i will marry this guy. its so weird to say that, but at the same time, i really cant imagine myself with anyone else. i already love his family (future favorite sister in law being nessa) and dad is great and mom is yet to be determined. but there are just so many things i love about him, i dont want it to get old too quickly and being taken for granted anytime soon, i think thats what scares me the most. i just dont want it to fade away and then look back in 6 months and be bored. i dont really foresee that happening, but it still is something that crosses my mind. but i guess i feel like if it ever got to that point, there would be no one else to get through it with.
so life right now is good. i am looking forward to having a job, i think if i didnt have one much longer i would go stir crazy. but i keep myself pretty busy, its like a full time job looking for a job!! i also have some other things that i am looking into, so that should keep my days busy until i get a day job i am willing to take (i figure i can be choosey now that i have some means of income).
i kind of feel bad that i am not sharing any deep profound revelations about life, like i used to. i guess in the hussle and bussle of all this newness, i have pretty much thought about the man, the job, and all the things i want to do. if i write too much about the boy, ya'll will get bored. you all seem very supportive, despite the fact my time there was limited. its hard to get used to. i am definately trying to find those balances in life. the balance of boyfriend and friends/family, the balance of my time and not smothering, the balance of job and paying bills. i guess my view of life has transferred from where do i want to be and what do i want to do, to what will i do today and what can i do today to get me where i want to be. can you really take life more than one day at a time?
i love you all!!
c.ALIce
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
da J.O.B. search
well i went around yesterday to drive around to figure out where in no mans land i was. applied to a couple places around here, then today i went to an interview at manpower, its like a temp agency. it was like a two hour interview, and tomorrow i have to go and do some computer testing. i am way over-qualified. so i am still looking for a job, but i think i have some really good prospects here. i will figure it out. not super stressed out, but stressed anyway...i got bills to pay ya know.
so that is that. i am about to go to Jonah's for a nice serving job, even though i have an interview at applebee's tomorrow. hmmm, applebee's really doesnt appeal to me, but if its all i get, its all i get.
its hard looking for a job. because basically your availability is open to everyone, but then if you are sorta looking for two jobs, its hard.
last night i met brinley, the wife of his cousin. its sorta awkward at first trying to explain the situation, but she is really cool. i think i will hang out with her.
today i cleaned a bit, read a bit, and am now going to drive to jonah's. ill keep you updated. someone needs to get on my sisters so that they will be more blog-active, and katie, you are considered a sister. abby finally wrote today. i know i dont have much room to talk, but regardless, ya'll need to write more...like twice a day or something hahah =)
love you all
see you soon
c.ALIce
so that is that. i am about to go to Jonah's for a nice serving job, even though i have an interview at applebee's tomorrow. hmmm, applebee's really doesnt appeal to me, but if its all i get, its all i get.
its hard looking for a job. because basically your availability is open to everyone, but then if you are sorta looking for two jobs, its hard.
last night i met brinley, the wife of his cousin. its sorta awkward at first trying to explain the situation, but she is really cool. i think i will hang out with her.
today i cleaned a bit, read a bit, and am now going to drive to jonah's. ill keep you updated. someone needs to get on my sisters so that they will be more blog-active, and katie, you are considered a sister. abby finally wrote today. i know i dont have much room to talk, but regardless, ya'll need to write more...like twice a day or something hahah =)
love you all
see you soon
c.ALIce
Monday, August 08, 2005
i wonder....
i was so excited when i got here yesterday. to just be here with him seems to make everything else in the world fade into nothing. i am somewhat amazed that it has happened so quickly. makes me wonder and be fearful that it will be one of those relationships where people go out for years and then break up. i cant imagine going through life with anyone else. he just knows, i dont have to explain everything to him. it is just nice that he talks openly with me, otherwise i would be such a mess trying to read his mind.
i guess enough about the boy...all you can really do is pray, because if this is not meant to be, i am really totally clueless.
so tomorrow i am going to go around town and see about getting a serving/bartending job somewhere. hopefully in the midwest, i wont have to go to 20 interviews and can get hired on the spot. i just want to make sure that my life is not revolving around him alone. its healthy to have some independance of my own. i am in a place where the only person i know is him, and i have a feeling that if we dont have some away time, that we will smother each other and end up being resentful. plus, i really miss the whole serving thing.
i did have an interview today at CSE. it went really well, but they are not sure about when and if they need to hire someone. the last thing i want to do is wait around for that particular job, but be proactive about paying my bills...cause honestly, thats the only thing that stresses me out.
i painted today. i havent painted in a really long time, and it was nice. listened to some great jazz, and just started, didnt try to figure out what i wanted it to look like, just did it. its still in progress, but overall i like it. we'll see how it goes. i am glad that i can finally be in a place where i can be free to do that. it gives me a chance to express myself, and it is overall very calming. Nat was watching baseball and i figured i would give him some alone boy time...all sports and stuff. he likes nascar too...and football...oh dear what am i getting myself into. just as long as he allows me to watch the patriots, i will be fine.
i will keep you all updated about my life...well duh, thats what blogs are for right? i miss you all. i wish i could've spent more time with you, but i needed to get back and get my new life together but i think i am going to try to come home at least once a month. but we will see about all that, gotta get a job first!!!
anyway, i am out love you all!!!
c.ALIce
i guess enough about the boy...all you can really do is pray, because if this is not meant to be, i am really totally clueless.
so tomorrow i am going to go around town and see about getting a serving/bartending job somewhere. hopefully in the midwest, i wont have to go to 20 interviews and can get hired on the spot. i just want to make sure that my life is not revolving around him alone. its healthy to have some independance of my own. i am in a place where the only person i know is him, and i have a feeling that if we dont have some away time, that we will smother each other and end up being resentful. plus, i really miss the whole serving thing.
i did have an interview today at CSE. it went really well, but they are not sure about when and if they need to hire someone. the last thing i want to do is wait around for that particular job, but be proactive about paying my bills...cause honestly, thats the only thing that stresses me out.
i painted today. i havent painted in a really long time, and it was nice. listened to some great jazz, and just started, didnt try to figure out what i wanted it to look like, just did it. its still in progress, but overall i like it. we'll see how it goes. i am glad that i can finally be in a place where i can be free to do that. it gives me a chance to express myself, and it is overall very calming. Nat was watching baseball and i figured i would give him some alone boy time...all sports and stuff. he likes nascar too...and football...oh dear what am i getting myself into. just as long as he allows me to watch the patriots, i will be fine.
i will keep you all updated about my life...well duh, thats what blogs are for right? i miss you all. i wish i could've spent more time with you, but i needed to get back and get my new life together but i think i am going to try to come home at least once a month. but we will see about all that, gotta get a job first!!!
anyway, i am out love you all!!!
c.ALIce
Saturday, August 06, 2005
My Beaux...
I am not sure where to begin. You seriously have to talk to me on a daily basis to find out what I am doing, and I am still not sure. I had this planto leave LA and move to Cincinnati to get outta the debt I accrued whilein LA, then move to Naples Florida with my old job from Cincinnati, to opena new location. I was very excited about it. It seemed like a great oppurtunityto grow with the company, and also doing something that I know I am good at and go in with that respect and seniority. Everyone I talked to said it was a good idea and that I should do what I think I need to do (but basically they knew I didn't like LA and I should get out). Now its not the case. Naples is a thing of the past. I don't even consider it at all. Living in Cincinnati would be nice, because I would be close to my friends and family,but even that is not a pull so much anymore. My entire life got flipped upside down in a moment.
you know when people talk about when they met the person of their dreams, they always say that it comes out of nowhere,and when you least except it. I spent many many hours trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Struggling with the fact I would never get married becasue I would never find anyone good enough, or someone that I could deal with, or someone that could deal with me. I was scared to even date because i wasn't good at it. I am not good at pressure situations, so being on a date makes me queasy, and very uneasy. Can you really be yourself in that situation, and regardless of how cool or cute that person is, there is that hidden stress of trying to impress or find a way to break up with them before you are officially going out...So I avoided that for as long as I could. Then along came Nat.
At first he was just vanessas brother, visiting LA from Illinois. There were no hidden agendas, no attempt to try to win him over or impress him with my humor or intellect. Actually, in this yet another huge transition in my life, I really wasn't looking to fall for anyone. Despite, it was actually good to have a "stranger" to talk to, especially in the situation I was in, trying to sort things out and get another perspective,but the conversation just flowed. We ended up talking openly and honestly about all sorts of things, and little by little realized how much we had in common and how alike we were. He would do these little things, like ask it I wanted something to drink whenever he got something for himself, getting a pillow before I even asked and just being a generous, kind-hearted and compassionate person. But still, up to this point, it was just a little crush, what would really come of it? I was moving to Cincinnati and to naples and he lived in no-man's land Illinois.
so I wasn't so sure when I was goin to leave LA. If ya'll know too much about me, you know I am somewhat of a spontaneous person, and that is somewhat of an understatement. So we were sitting outside, talking about me leaving and when, and how I dreaded the drive alone. He was catching a plane back to Illinois on Tuesday to be back to work on Wednesday, (though I am not really sure who asked who)but it ended up that he called work to get one more day off work and he said he would drive back with me. OH the relief, and he is good company so I was excited to have a comfortable person to go with me. So that's why I left on Monday, I really didn't know till Monday that he was able to come with me, and I wanted to make sure that he was back in time. Kind of last minute,but I was definitely thankful...And the best part, he likes to drive!!!
can you imagine 30 hours straight in a car with one person and not getting aggravated or annoyed and wanting to spend more time with them? And this is after a week of hanging out with him all the time, and at the same time being able to share all sorts of things about life with openness and honesty. He makes me happy. He talks to me, he listens to me, we have SO much in common. He is comfortable to talk to and he doesn't make it a mystery, he is not holding back and continues to reaffirm me. I trust him completely and respect his heart and desires. I really want to make sure that he is free to make whatever decision he deems necessary, but also that that freedom is mutual. I don't feel like I am settling, because seriously, can you imagine me living a boring life? A life of not doing things, but at this point, I am not scared of sacrificing all the things I want to do or have (he says I can have a PUPPY=)) to be with him, I just see myself accomplishing all those things with him. I can just imagine that no matter what conflict came up, that we could work through it and talk honestly about it.
yes, its been very quick. Believe me when I say that I did not expect it. We both were totally blindsided, but we are most willing to make it happen and work. I really dont mess around. I have no doubts really. Most of you know that I would totally run from all this, full speed in the opposite direction for my fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of so much but I feel so "safe" its the only word that really fits. I feel safe that even if it doesn't work out (which of course at this point I doubt) that it is totally worth the effort.
I get lots of little butterflies when I think about him. So girlie!!! What is wrong with me? Absolutely nothing. He's addicted too. There is really nothing to lose, but so much to gain!
so that's that. I think that is a pretty good rundown of how I feel so that you all can understand. He makes me happy. I make him happy.
so what are the plans now? I want to be where he is. And I have more flexibility in life right now to make that change. I really don't know what will happen today . I do have an interview on Monday at a company in Illinois. You all probably think I am crazy, but really if you know anything about me, this is normal. But unlike everything else, I am not running away but running to something that is risky and dangerous but safe and comfortable.
so I guess that is it for now. Ill write more later about other things in life when I figure out what is going on.
c.ALIce
you know when people talk about when they met the person of their dreams, they always say that it comes out of nowhere,and when you least except it. I spent many many hours trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Struggling with the fact I would never get married becasue I would never find anyone good enough, or someone that I could deal with, or someone that could deal with me. I was scared to even date because i wasn't good at it. I am not good at pressure situations, so being on a date makes me queasy, and very uneasy. Can you really be yourself in that situation, and regardless of how cool or cute that person is, there is that hidden stress of trying to impress or find a way to break up with them before you are officially going out...So I avoided that for as long as I could. Then along came Nat.
At first he was just vanessas brother, visiting LA from Illinois. There were no hidden agendas, no attempt to try to win him over or impress him with my humor or intellect. Actually, in this yet another huge transition in my life, I really wasn't looking to fall for anyone. Despite, it was actually good to have a "stranger" to talk to, especially in the situation I was in, trying to sort things out and get another perspective,but the conversation just flowed. We ended up talking openly and honestly about all sorts of things, and little by little realized how much we had in common and how alike we were. He would do these little things, like ask it I wanted something to drink whenever he got something for himself, getting a pillow before I even asked and just being a generous, kind-hearted and compassionate person. But still, up to this point, it was just a little crush, what would really come of it? I was moving to Cincinnati and to naples and he lived in no-man's land Illinois.
so I wasn't so sure when I was goin to leave LA. If ya'll know too much about me, you know I am somewhat of a spontaneous person, and that is somewhat of an understatement. So we were sitting outside, talking about me leaving and when, and how I dreaded the drive alone. He was catching a plane back to Illinois on Tuesday to be back to work on Wednesday, (though I am not really sure who asked who)but it ended up that he called work to get one more day off work and he said he would drive back with me. OH the relief, and he is good company so I was excited to have a comfortable person to go with me. So that's why I left on Monday, I really didn't know till Monday that he was able to come with me, and I wanted to make sure that he was back in time. Kind of last minute,but I was definitely thankful...And the best part, he likes to drive!!!
can you imagine 30 hours straight in a car with one person and not getting aggravated or annoyed and wanting to spend more time with them? And this is after a week of hanging out with him all the time, and at the same time being able to share all sorts of things about life with openness and honesty. He makes me happy. He talks to me, he listens to me, we have SO much in common. He is comfortable to talk to and he doesn't make it a mystery, he is not holding back and continues to reaffirm me. I trust him completely and respect his heart and desires. I really want to make sure that he is free to make whatever decision he deems necessary, but also that that freedom is mutual. I don't feel like I am settling, because seriously, can you imagine me living a boring life? A life of not doing things, but at this point, I am not scared of sacrificing all the things I want to do or have (he says I can have a PUPPY=)) to be with him, I just see myself accomplishing all those things with him. I can just imagine that no matter what conflict came up, that we could work through it and talk honestly about it.
yes, its been very quick. Believe me when I say that I did not expect it. We both were totally blindsided, but we are most willing to make it happen and work. I really dont mess around. I have no doubts really. Most of you know that I would totally run from all this, full speed in the opposite direction for my fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of so much but I feel so "safe" its the only word that really fits. I feel safe that even if it doesn't work out (which of course at this point I doubt) that it is totally worth the effort.
I get lots of little butterflies when I think about him. So girlie!!! What is wrong with me? Absolutely nothing. He's addicted too. There is really nothing to lose, but so much to gain!
so that's that. I think that is a pretty good rundown of how I feel so that you all can understand. He makes me happy. I make him happy.
so what are the plans now? I want to be where he is. And I have more flexibility in life right now to make that change. I really don't know what will happen today . I do have an interview on Monday at a company in Illinois. You all probably think I am crazy, but really if you know anything about me, this is normal. But unlike everything else, I am not running away but running to something that is risky and dangerous but safe and comfortable.
so I guess that is it for now. Ill write more later about other things in life when I figure out what is going on.
c.ALIce
Thursday, August 04, 2005
lost and found
my love, my life...and the two combined. i think i have really discovered how i cant plan things in life. just when i thought i had it figured it out. just when i thought that i knew what i was going to do, i got thrown one hell of a curve ball. and once i get the chance to tell you, your jaws will drop and you will not know how to react, hell i am not sure at this point if i know how to react. there are so many big decisions in life. you have one that will take you right back into your comfort zone, it is planned out and feesible. the other one, quite a different story, not so comfortable, but amazingly although scary and dangerous, just seems worth the effort. i am done trying to plan anything...and i think i have grown up an awful lot in my journeys. i am at a point right now where if i followed through with my plans, i would be running, but i dont want to run. its an adventure i have never been on, and life is too short. i know there is always an open door for me whereever my family is, thats a comfort that helps me to live life out. its not scary when there is always a safe place to fall back on. i want to try it out. and for me that is a big deal. i really dont take these decisions lightly. the way i think, i can come up with 1000 scenarios of failure and totally convince myself not to even give it a chance. i think maybe its situational, but even with my over-analyzing i cant shake it. the decision i am about to make is scarier than all the rest.
i know that i am talking in riddles. totally keeping myself from exposing it, but it wont be like that for long. i want to make this decision on my terms. not based on what others think i should do, not based on how i think others will view me, not based on the element of risk. i am going to make this decision for me, and not relying on anyone to formulate my ideas is scary...i have only talked with one person about it. there are so many factors to consider, the biggest of all the element of failure, or not being happy. but in another way, i really dont think that i can make a wrong decision (though i can make a bad one).
so i am quickly at another crossroad in my life. yet ironically in my running, i came to this point in the midst of running away, i found something. it isnt stratigically planned already, i am literally jumping blind and it is so exciting. i dont see what lies ahead, i have no expectations. its scarier than anything, its not comfortable, but safe.
i just hope that you all are supportive, with all the anxiousness of being homebound, i hate to disappoint. but its things like these that are impossible to plan...and rightfully so.
granted i must say, i have not made any concrete decisions yet, but i will need to soon. we'll see what happens.
love you all
chrissi
i know that i am talking in riddles. totally keeping myself from exposing it, but it wont be like that for long. i want to make this decision on my terms. not based on what others think i should do, not based on how i think others will view me, not based on the element of risk. i am going to make this decision for me, and not relying on anyone to formulate my ideas is scary...i have only talked with one person about it. there are so many factors to consider, the biggest of all the element of failure, or not being happy. but in another way, i really dont think that i can make a wrong decision (though i can make a bad one).
so i am quickly at another crossroad in my life. yet ironically in my running, i came to this point in the midst of running away, i found something. it isnt stratigically planned already, i am literally jumping blind and it is so exciting. i dont see what lies ahead, i have no expectations. its scarier than anything, its not comfortable, but safe.
i just hope that you all are supportive, with all the anxiousness of being homebound, i hate to disappoint. but its things like these that are impossible to plan...and rightfully so.
granted i must say, i have not made any concrete decisions yet, but i will need to soon. we'll see what happens.
love you all
chrissi
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