Destiny

I wanted to share this because i think its beautiful, awesome and proof of the fulfillment of my dreams:
I found this in my Bible, I knew it existed and actually read it to Nat months ago, but i thought i would share it with you. Maybe to boast of my joy or to encourage you in your struggle and disbelief that GOD IS GOOD. I made this list sitting in Longhorn with Christy Payne and her then current boyfriend Ty (this was about 5-6 years ago, i am actually in awe that it was that long ago myself)
CRITERIA TO BE WITH CHRISSI
1. Hippie Mentality (Philosopher)
a. Freebird/Laid Back
b. "unstable" (meaning that he would be open to new experiences and not stuck in a mundaness of a certain kind of life)
2. sarcasm (good)
3. Christian Leader (full of grace and servant hearted)
4. attractive (or i be attracted to)
5. Good sense of humor
6. Faithful and Trustworthy
7.Honest and Open communication
8. Integrity-does what he says he is gonna do
9.Comfortable to open up to
10.makes people feel good, friendly and outgoing
11. undecisive about children (although we are currently decisive)
12. sense of style, but not gay
13. creative and appreciates my art
14. encourages me through my doubts
15. open-minded and accepting of individuality
16. able to re-create self image
17. affectionate, but not a foundation of intimacy
18. respects my inner convictions
19. "wants to know the book that is 'chrissi'"
20. no baggage
21. considerate...call, call, call
22. confidence
23. romantic and has element of surprize
24. simplicity of life and goes with the flow
25.able to walk through conflicts.

Nat meets ALL these requirements and exceeds my expectations in many and more areas. I really do love this man. I really do believe he was created just for me. I dont think i have ever been happier in life and in a place in life where i felt free to be me totally exposed and vulnerable.

Just thought i would share...
Love you all
Mrs. P

Official

today i went to get my Illinois license. Its official, I am Mrs. Pflederer and a legal resident of Illinois...even registered to VOTE!! yeah like thats going to happen. I must say though, that its the best license picture i have ever had (passport pics do me NO justice). So needless to say I had a beautiful day =)

love you all
Mrs. P

few pics

Life has been crazy busy, here are a couple pics for your viewing pleasure.






Mrs. P

New Phone Number!!

Hey, I am diving into my new life and in the process i figure i needed to change my phone number as well. I sent a text message to most of you, and i will send an email. I would put it here but who knows what kind of calls i would get!
If you didnt get the number and would like it, please leave me a comment or an email and i will send it to you!!

love you all

btw the fence building is going along great! We have dug all the post holes and set all teh posts (except 2). I really think we may get it done this week. OH FUN!!!

later
Chrissi Pflederer

Hello Mrs. Pflederer

well, i must say, it doesnt feel like i am married somedays, but it does other days. Life is somewhat back to normal. I am finally home and things are settling down. We are trying to figure out how we are going to build our fence. I say 4 foot, he says 6 foot. Who knows what we will end up with. I am trying to get the house in order, that is an adventure---let me tell you!! i figured i would do some spring cleaning and get it out of the way as we are putting new things away and going through all things. I am not supposed to be working right now but i figure i can get some stuff done. I am trying to organize my life again. Married life is great. feels a little different but overall about the same. anyway, i need to get some stuff done.
love you all
c.ALIce Pflederer

how to deal

i am not even sure what to write about because so many things are not running through my head. Its like i am forgetting to think, which is nice for the time. It has been the longest week of my life. It definately puts life in perspective a little bit. If you didnt know (although i am sure that everyone reading this knows) my dad passed away on wednesday night, surrounded by people that truly loved him. the funeral was yesterday and it was so nice. I think once again we did our daddy proud. he was always laid back and fun-loving and we couldnt possibly have a stoic funeral. i got a call from the lady that was making my wedding cakes that she was unable to do them, so yall will have to deal with whatever i come up with. I think my wedding day will be the hardest and the most joyest day of my life. I cant imagine looking into Nat's eyes and saying "till death do us part" after going through that reality right now. I worry for my mom, i pray she will be ok. She is strong but also has had dad there to take care of her and be her confidant since she was 19. can you imagine? 40 years of marriage?!?! I hope Nat and I live that long to see that.
I think I am still numb. Although i dont think i am avoiding dealing with it. i have such a peace of heart that i almost feel guilty. its like i have dealt with it and now its just a reality. i do have my mini crying spells, when i think about what he will miss out on (our weddings, grandkids, etc etc), but I also know that he was ready to go. There is an amazing comfort when you know that it is not forever. I love hearing the stories about how he influenced so many peoples lives. Its encouraging because i want to strive even more to be everything i can be in the lives of the people around me.
we have recieved support from so many people. moms family, dads family, nats family, employers and friends. I really am in awe of the respect and admiration people have for him, but also that people would see those traits in me, my sisters, my mom and even Nat in such a way that they support us although they never met him.
i am most sad that he didnt have the oppurtunity to meet the new family i have. i wish they could have at least experienced him for one day and could have seen what a strong and wonderful ( or rather good, good) man he was. But most of all for them to see our love for each other and have first hand accounts of his wit and humor. that saddens me. i really wanted to share him with them, they would have loved him too!
thanks to all of you that hurt with us and send your love towards us and him through prayers and thoughts and mutual sympathies. you truly are part of the family, and i would have it no other way. i love you all dearly!!
so we will see how i handle that day, the day a little girl wants her daddy there, but still wants to celebrate that she has someone that loves her (almost) as much as he did. I am thrilled that dad had the oppurtunity to meet Nat and approve him. It will be a bittersweet day.
love you all
see you soon!
Chrissi (soon to be) Pflederer

looky looky what i did

http://natandchrissi.blogspot.com

If you have any suggestions, let me know!

and i say..slacker

Nat reminded me that i havent written in over a month. Not that he really needs to know whats going on in my life. He is my life....
had a fantastic valentines day. first time i have ever had a boyfriend (more or less a fiancee). i got flowers and a card.
we decided to sell the house, making a more of an effort. we have an open house and are painting and getting it ready. we had one promising showing the other day,but who knows with those.
i love nat
wedding plans are going well. i am relocating to cincinnati to expedite the process. i am anxious to get there. i would like to leave this weekend, but Nat doesnt want me to yet. I have so much to do...its crazy. Planning a wedding (or rather a reception) is a PAIN!! i just want to get it done, and the sooner the better. i just need to relax i guess.
counseling is going well. i like it, it does bring up things to talk about. i am anxious for the next meeting on thursday.
thats it. i dont have much else i can think about to talk about. i am tired.

later loves
chrissi

Not Much

Nothing too exciting going on these days. I have been working alot because they keep giving me projects, which isnt necessarily bad, but i dont know when to stop working i think. The puppies have been really good. I have them on a feeding schedule because Etta has to take medicine with food and thats the only way I can force her to eat. It helps tremendously in the potty training efforts. Its actually quite amazing. I can tell when they need to go out and what they are going to do. Dogs are amazing creatures of habit, which is nice.
Nat, of course, is wonderful. I am getting hounded by my sisters to register, i have a had time with that. Nat will have to help me.
anyway, i gotta go back to work, just wanted to let you know that there is nothing interesing going on here. If i remember though, i wll tell you about my computer dramas!!

love you
c.ALIce

Counseling

So we went to counseling tonight. I was expecting something totally different. We talked about how we met and our current situation. After the session, we set up a meeting for next week. He asked us if we have any more question for him and Nat asked him what his impression of us was and he said that we have a cool vibe about us and a real warmth. oh, that made my day!! its great for an outsider to see that. i was so proud. Nat was telling him how we met and how he "fell madly in love with me" and know he would spend the rest of his life with me. I was just sitting there in awe, wow, he really does love me deeply. I know he loves me, and i love him... yet it is so sweet and touching to hear him proclaim it without reservation to a complete stranger. Just thought i would share out counseling experience.

c.ALIce

yeah yeah i know i know

Ok i think i have finally come up with a time slot to write a little bit. Actually i am sorta fed up with work so i am taking a break (although i am on hour 9 of my 8 hour day). Its lonely this week without Nat. Granted i dont really hang out with him 24/7 when he is in town, but i think because he is not here, i want him more. I love him so much.
Etta. She is quite the little trooper. Last friday i was letting the girls in from being outside on the chain. They usually run right into the house, but this time they decided to run around the house. About the 3rd time trying to get them to stop and go inside i heard the screech and painful cry. Of course it was etta because she is always the one getting hurt. Its about 3pm, and i dont have a car so i call Nat like 10 times. then i make my way upstairs (etta in arms with a blood-soaked towel) and type to him on instant messenger. I am sure he was thinking..yeah right, she's kidding, but i assure you, etta and me were in no mood to joke. He called his dad (ohmigod why didnt i think of that?). Ken (aka dad) got there and drove me to the vet. Everyone there was so cool, and of course etta is adorable so its not like you can blame her. she opened up her leg, from the inner hip to the paw, bone exposed. Luckily there was no damage to her lungs or bladder or any broken bones. She went home a couple hours later and then went back Saturday am to sew her up. They only sewed up 50% of the gash...apparently dogs heal really well with growing new tissue and all. She has been back once since and i have to go in tomorrow to change her bandages. shes got one of those cone things to put on her head, but its impossible because sadie likes to attack it...go figure. SHe has been really good though, becoming quite the cuddling mommas girl. she sleeps at my feet while i work, oh so cute. she lays on my toes and grunts alot (but etta has always grunted alot)
Wedding. So i hear that my plans are confusing. yeah well, i have never planned a wedding before. Hopefully theses are the final plans...basically a little change of terminology to limit the confusion. May 20th, 2006. There will be a FAMILY ONLY LUNCHEON. Basically Nat and I feel that our immediate families are very important to us, and if we are to be married, it is ultimately a uniting of our lives and the lives of our families. So its a sacred time for our parents and siblings to bond (cause we know they will love each other). That is what it is. ITs not a ceremony/exchange of vows, its allowing our families to unite. We will get married most likely at the justice of peace or something, nothing fancy or elaborate...we havent figured that out yet. The reception is at cheryls house in monroe, hor'duerves and casual dress. Dont freak out about getting all dressed up (cause as carol reminded me, we are not a group like that). it will be like a birthday party, but better. I think Nat and I have decided to set time aside to allow people to toast us...or have a video-guest book, so i can watch it when i am down and need love. the reception in Illinois is the next weekend and all of you are more than welcome to coem to that as well. Receptions are open, carefree and laid back...what made me think to make it anything less than that??
so that being said. i would still need photographers on sat afternoon for couple/family pictures around cincy, so you are still invited to do that. anyone that is interested in that...cindy, kate, sa, beck....anyone, it could be a fun day of modeling and having fun and goofing off before teh reception (hopefully spending the day around town will take teh awkwardness off of the reception...little bonding (you with them).
i think thats it
i gotta go meet Hope (aka mom) for dinner.
love you all
sorry for all the confusion.

another will be post

nat and i talked about our wedding plans and i think we finally figured out what we are going to do...and basically it all boiled down to terminology."

ill write about that later

and etta, surgery went great...she will have to go back in 2 weeks to get stitches out.

later loves

My baby got hit by a car

ill tell you the story later...but she is ok. SHe has surgery tomorrow to stitch up her leg...going to missouri tomorrow...will write on sunday and monday what happened.

love you
chrissi

poker night and everything else

ever since i got to tremont, we have poker nights at one of nat's friends house. Its $20 for poker, pizza, fun and beer (i am glad no one is irresponsible in that regard, its a mature crowd). I go, have some fun and hope that nat wins the big pot. last night i was fantastic. out of 24 people i made 4th place, and won $35! Hey better than nothing. i think i could've gone all the way, but one of my last hands wiped me out. it was tons of fun! i have a feeling its goin to be a slow weekend. I have lots of work to do that i dont really want to do. I have to decide if i can go to arkansas next week...I have been getting alot more work and i fear that if i go i will lose out on some cash, yet in a sense it is a business venture (sarah is going to help me with my websites) and it would be better than sitting around here without nat around. we are going to branson missouri regardless and arkansas is only 3 hour drive to sarah. I also would have to take my laptop, which tends to slow my work down because it takes a bit for it to recongnize what i am doing (but it is better). I dunno what to do. I hate to board the dogs in a kennel...but i can only hope that it would help potty train them! OH that is so frustrating! I would like to have people over and play cards and have dinner but i cant bring myself to invite people into a house that smells like urine and poop. We did clean the carpet on monday while they were at the clinic, and it definately helped, but its like outside is to play, inside is to potty. anyone have any suggestions? i am going to start beating them!
Work is going well. I have been busy this week with a couple different projects, i hope to get them all done this weekend so i can start new ones on monday. So its getting better, and i am getting better. i still have a long way to go, but i am at least making progress daily. Levi is talking about flying me down again for training. I learn alot more when i am down there, but dread spending the week at his house. its ALL work, and no play, very boring i must say. I guess i have to if he wants me to though. I feel better about making him put out the cash because 1. i know he is making it 2. i know i am helping him make it. 3. it will be better to see hands on than from afar. all in good time.
i think i decided for the bachlorette party to paint pottery. I think there is a place in old mason but am not sure. also, does anyone have any friends that just got married and still have their decorations? id rather not go buy them, id rather just borrow them.
The wedding plans are coming along nicely. I have been horrible about the losing weight aspect. I try not to get mad at myself and make it worse, but to actually get into gear. Apparently i dont want it that bad! I see myself falling into trends that if i dont stop them now, i will have to deal with for the rest of my life. i found my dress and it is beautiful. i think its exactly what i was looking for.
I NEED ADDRESSES!!! One person has sent me their address. Please dont assume i have it becasue i sent you something in the mail...i lost my address book so i have none, except for becky because she actually sent me hers! (alycepaige@yahoo.com) I really cant do anything without them.
for the ceremony and reception i need the following volunteers
1. Set up at ceremony
2. Break down at ceremony
3. Decorate for Reception
4. Organize bachlorette party
5. Break down decorations at reception
6. photographers
7. video cameras (and someone/persons to man them)
8. advice on how to do the ceremony
9. Organize Personal Shower
10. Alter my dress (once i get it)
11. I am sure there is something i am missing
I want you (katie, becky, sarah r, cindy, kadie, sarah c, amber, carol, cheryl, moms, emma, jen(ny), danielle, nessa, abbi and steph, etc etc) to help and be apart, but I dont want to assign duties because i want you to do it out of your own generous heart, not because you feel obligated.
I could have more than one party, honestly i dont know how to plan a wedding or pre-wedding stuff. someone was saying that personal showers are for "personal stuff" from friends...so pampered chef party? I dont know what i am doing...some have you all have been married...any ideas? i want to be able to have as many parties in cinci as possible (gives me an excuse to coem down and see you guys).
i am letting ruth ann take care of most everything here, and probably nats mom will help too, and ken aka "dad".
i love you all, please dont ever doubt that. regardless of how much we talk or dont talk, everyone of you is dear dear dear to my spirit (to spirit because the heart is fickle, you all are sewn into my very being!!)
anyway, i need to get some work done. call me...
later
c.ALIce

today

yesterday we finally got the girls home. 2 days without them were very lonely. I am glad to have them back, even if its just to lay around and sleep. They are not supposed to play much, and honestly i dont think they have the energy. I am scared to pick them up and play with them, that i might hurt them. I guess being dogs though, they are resilent.
last night i went to paint pottery with nat's mom. I thought that might be a cute idea for my bacholorette party. Get teh girls together, go out to dinner (or take sandwiches to pottery place) and have each of my friends make me a small plate for my kitchen. Cindy gave me an idea to go to a spa, but i am not sure that many people can afford the $150. Id like to make it where we can spend some quality time together and have some fun. maybe go dancing or something afterwards...harmless fun!
i have decided, in a effort to help cheryls pampered chef business, that i am going to do a pampered chef personal shower. I dunno how that is supposed to work, and i am not sure thats what i am supposed to do. But hey, stuff for the kitchen, and being that i am really starting to love to cook..why not. plus its two birds with one stone.
If you have any other ideas, let me know. Please keep the days open because i would love for all my friends to come (near and far).
tonight we have dinner with ruth ann and mike. it should be fun. I like them. They are nats cousins (mike, his wife).
anyway, i gotta get back to work
love ya

my little girls

Etta and Sadie went today to get spayed. I miss the little babes. They have been fighting alot lately, within the last week it has really escalated. Sadie sleeps behind the bed and cant stand to be near Etta. Yet sometimes they are perfectly fine. I am not really sure who to blame, honestly i think they are both at fault. If it continues, we might be forced to give one away. Etta was my birthday present and my dog, Sadie, well Nat is in love with her and claims her undoubtably. I hope it doesnt have to come down to having to give one up. It breaks my heart to see them fight, and i miss them terribly today while they are away. I dont want to give them up. I was thinking, if we had children, and they fought all the time, would you put one up for adoption...doubtful. And they are out little girls...i dont want to be put in a position to make that decision. Hopefully the spaying will help and not make it worse.
Other side of life. Work is going well. Last week I finally got to a point where I was making acceptable progress and money. Hard work none the less, but rewarding with a nice paycheck.
Nat is wonderful
Wedding plans are somewhat stressful. I felt trapped that i had to do it a certain way in order to make everyone happy, once i put that aside and decided what i wanted, its a lot less of a headache. I do need addresses though..everyones!!! so email them to me. (alycepaige@yahoo.com)...I gotta get on the ball with invitation design and getting everything ready. The date is May 20th, reception at cheryls house in monroe, and somewhat of a black tie affair (not prom dresses and tuxedos, but nice dresses and suits)..thats the plan anyway. So please send me your addresses.
SAVE THE DATES!!
Personal Bridal shower (Cincinnati)...March 18th
Bachlorette Party (Cincinnati)....April 29th

Does anyone want to help me plan? I cant do this on my own and i would like for my girls to be involved. Email me and let me know if you have any ideas or want to help organize. I am totally at a loss when it comes to really planning anything. Thanks.
Planning on going to Arkansas the last week of January to visit Sarah Craynon. It should be fun if it works out the way i want it to.
I havent been too much in the conversating mood lately. Sorry to those that have to suffer my apathy. Just had a lot on my mind, lotsa work and been really tired.
Anyway, Love you all!!
c.ALIce

Oh to be in love

Oh to be in love. How romantic movies have such a different meaning. How life changes, grey always has a shade of blue in it. How did i get so incredibly blessed? What did i ever do in life to have the ultimate priviledge to be loved like i am loved. Its like God made me like a puzzle piece and he made Nat to fit snuggly with me so perfectly. The way he pushes me so gently for me to go towards my goals and dreams. How he is keeps me accountable yet not in a dominating or controlling way. I am sure we have/will have our issues and problems. But who can treat me in such a way where exposing every aspect of myself, good and bad, could feel so safe. I love the way he deals with me, the way he talks to me, the way he gets me to talk, when his sixth sense tells him i really need someone to pull it out. Its like he read the book that is Chrissi, highlighted the most important parts and understood the context. There is no other way to describe it but miraculous.
I wish that I was near you all, that you could witness the truth of the matter. I know that it must be difficult to look in from the outside and not be here to see up close the dynamics of the life we lead. To look from afar and be separate in a sense. I feel as if my entire life has led me to this moment. Every step, struggle and new thought and adventure has bought me to this point in life. Who would I be if i didnt pursue something that i believed in. Would i not still be continuing to run away from my true identity?
What do i want to accomplish in life? What are my true desires? How can one possibly find a partner if they dont have a real idea of who they are? Maybe its not "finding" who you are, maybe its the gift of having the "freedom" to be who you are. For example, I didnt want to bear children or have a family till i met Nat. i was too much of a "free spirit" to stay in one place (especially one as dull as tremont). As a defense i convinced myself of my parental inadequacy. Now, I am somewhat anxious. Its like all teh lies have i been living all the false pretenses i portrayed were erased. Somehow I was free to be me. i didnt have to pretend to be a hardass. I dont know how he did it, but he saved me. He allowed me to be who i was without judgement or assumptions, but with acceptance and support. I guess over time and through my experiences I grew hard that "love" or hope of a future mate could happen. I doubted my worth to be taken care of and loved by any man. I resisted trusting anyone (even those closest to me) becasue it didnt hurt as bad when they rejected my alter ego-that meant my heart was safe-but slowly dying inside. Its strange, sometimes you can get so accustomed to living a lie, it becomes truth. I know what it is like to live a lie. There is a hidden weight there, a burden to carry, most people dont ever realize it. The beauty of it is that when it is gone, there is no denying that its gone. I am living in peace, beauty and security. That is a gift from God. And funny that it is the meaning of his name.

MUST READ

yesterday we went to his aunt and uncles (jim and jackie) with grandma and grandpa, my favorite cousin mike, his wife ruth ann and nats dad. it was great. we had fondue. a chocolate fondue fountain with bananas, oranges, angel food cake, marshmellows. then we have fondue with steak, chicken and shrimp. it was great. sat around and talked, didnt seem awkward at all. when we got there i was greeted with hugs and merry christmas' ruth ann gave me a hug then went straight to my left hand and felt around. i laughed and said "its not there yet" i thought it was humorous.
after we left we went home and sat around. i continued my three day project of cleaning and reorganizing and he relaxed. Later we were playing with the dogs, and i noticed that etta didnt have her collar. my first thought was that sadie had pulled it off of her and it was lying around somewhere, so i went looking for it upstairs. Nat yells up that he had found it and etta comes running upstairs with her collar on, and an added bonus. it was so cute. then he got on one knee and officially asked me. of course i said yes. then he said "are you sure" and i bought out my little black book that i have been keeping. it lists 100+ reasons why i love him, mainly the little thoughttful things he does (that he doesnt even realize). it was very cute, i loved it. my ring is breathtaking. i can hardly stop looking at it.
so now it is official!! i am officially engaged and officially planning for a wedding in May (family only) and a reception. who knows how it will really end up though.
of course i have some pictures for you. what fun would it be with out them.



MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL. LOVE YOU
C.ALICE

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Christmas has been wonderful to me. i wish i could give more to those around me, but i tried to give as much as i could with what i have. there will be a post very soon....a long one!!
c.ALIce

pics

Christmas Gifts

today i got one of my christmas gifts from nat. its a monitor for our computer. now i can work while he plays his computer games. i am so excited!!! its awesome. now i have a complete computer of my own to work on whenever i want. pretty soon dorian will be moved out and i can paint and rearrange the upstairs and make that my room/craft room/darkroom/workspace/etc etc etc.
anyway. he says i have another gift that i get on christmas day, but honestly i dont want anything else. i really feel bad when i get some awesome gifts and i cant afford to get him what he really wants or what i want to get for him. that goes for everyone.
anyway. i also got a tripod and a a headphone thing for my cell phone. great gifts. overall a great christmas.
thats it
oh yeah. i am planning on coming home dec 26th. i am not sure how long i will stay but maybe through new years. so i want to hang out with you guys. sa,maybe you can plan girls night sometime that week.
c.ALIce

Great Weekend!!

This weekend we went down to Cincinnati/Kentucky for Christmas with my parents. I thought it was great! there was soem manual labor but not enough to get all hot and bothered about it. I am glad i could help rather than be a stuffed potatoe. We hung out, opened gifts, went to Dougs (my uncle) for Christmas and nat played Santa, then we had breakfast and drove back home. I dont know why it was such a great weekend it just was. the best part about it was when nat gathered my mom and dad and sisters to ask if he could ask me to marry him. it was adorable. i cant imagine how nervous he was. my dad said no, but by the end of saturday dad was saying "yes yes yes" then he told them all about his plans....sucks to not know, but i think i will know eventually. I do plan on posting some pictures.
Anyway, that was my weekend. i think my family really saw how me and Nat love each other, which was nice. we talked about other stuff too, but ill get to that later!
love you all
chrissi alice

love more and more

everyday i love my babies more and more. etta is getting so big, and their personalities are so different. i cant imagine what it would be like to have children, but i am excited. i mean seriously, the pups are handful enough, and i dont have to watch them every hour of the day, though i probably should. I am not so sure i am totally ready for kids, but i must say, that each day i get more and more excited about it. one day....
i will try to make these short and sweet.
church
went to church on saturday with Nat to Northwoods. we met his mom and her husband there. i really liked it. it reminds me a lot of the vineyard. one of the only things i really want in a church (and because most lack it) is a prayer ministry. Not only a prayer chain, but a safe place to grow spiritually. I believe that prayer is the most powerful aspect of Christianity that is often overlooked. I believe to really tap into the power of God and live a life honoring Him, prayer is the key. i need some work in that area so my focus right now is the surround myself with like-minded and more expereinced people that can guide me. the church is 45 min-1 hour away, which is pretty far. like driving to lexington or something. i may not go as often to that church, but i definately like it.
march of penguins
cute movie, but it is sad to see so many die to survive.
myspace
i rarely ever go onto myspace. yet today i went on and i had a new message. i looked at the name and thought to myself..."i only know one person with that name" i went to his page to see if my suspensions were right and i was. Keith West. I have always wondered to myself what ever became of him. well he seems really happy. he is married with 3 children, in the military stationed in Japan and due home in february. I thought it was great to hear from him. For those that dont know, Keith was my first boyfriend in high school, one of Carols favorite (i can imagine her squeal as she reads this). anyway, thought it was interesting and somewhat off the wall that he sent me a message but i am glad. Its good to know he is doing well.
I think that is it. Life is great!!!
Love you all
c.ALIce

having fun

i really do have fun working on my blogspot space template. I made a whole dollar last month with adsense. hey every buck helps!! i forgot all about it till i was checking my bank account and had a deposit. helped keep me from overdraw!! yeah me!! well not really, but seriously, how many times have you had to pay for bounced check for a couple cents!!

what if you said....

i was thinking...what if you said "Merry %#^$#&$ Christmas"..do you think they would be offended then? I am about ready to boycott Christmas. There is so much controversy and hatred. I appreciate the Christmas story, but i think this particular season has lost all dignity of its truest meaning. i suppose instead of boycotting the entire season, maybe i can be one of those rare examples of what it is really about. Its not about converting your friends and family, its not about santa or giving gifts, its not about merry christmas vs happy holidays, honestly its not even about going to feed the hungry or spending time with those unfortunate. Those things should be everyday. So what is christmas about? Its a celebration that God was graceful enough to send his son in human form to save us. i almost think that it is sad that we only celebrate that once a year. Thanksgiving isnt a "christian" holiday but I think most people have a firmer grasp on being thankful everyday, but still celebrating being thankful with friends and family that one day a year. I think thats why its my favorite holiday. but Christmas, its lost something, yet it isnt a reflection by any means the degregation of God is people's lives or people seeking the truth of Christ and realizing His sacrifice. I mean HE was born in one day, but he still exists today. Maybe we should celebrate with HIM. Take some time to sit quietly and reflect with HIM how we should go about celebrating this time of year. Maybe instead of making it a spectacle, HE simply wants us to spend time with HIM. Although that again, should be a daily thing. I dunno. How do we reflect what we are celebrating during the Christmas season without being cliche? i dunno, what do you all think?

my precious lil girls

church

so in an attempt to find a community here i went to church this morning. I went to new life christian church in morton, its only about 10 minutes away. i was sitting there thinking that my finding a church isnt about where i can be helped, but where i can help others. i would like to be involved in something that is relevant and life changing. I dont want to go to church to appease people, i want to go to church to grow deeper in my relationship with God and encourage others in the process. i was sitting there jealous of the ministry brewing in cincinnati with the crew, yet i know if i was there i would have no place. I was thinking that going to church was a mission for me to reach out to people rather than for people to reach out to me. then the sermon started. the title was gatherings, the first of a 4 part series. the pastor was talking about how we needed to be ambassadors for christ this christmas season, and take every oppurtunity to let those around us know the true story of christ and his sacrifice. my insides were fuming. the entire message was so redundant. i suppose i have had that same thought drilled into me for years. maybe my bitterness for church and my liberal ideas were full force. i wasnt mad at them, i wasnt angry at the people sitting there desiring to coem closer to God. i think i was angry that it was all about the christmas season and that they were teaching that converting people to christianity was our ultimate goal. maybe so, but how? do we do it once a year? do we do it by forcing ourselves to do kind things, that arent from the heart? i am sure they had the best of intentions. my expectations are just too high.
i want to find a place where people are searching deeper than sunday morning. that people desire a lifestyle of living for Christ. i wish i could be that person as well.
Nevermind, that makes no sense at all. i just wish i could go to a church that had relevant messages about my life and where i am and not about the best methods in order to convert/convince people to choose christianity. i guess it bothers me that the sermon was not about creating genuine relationships with people with no hidden agenda.
i dunno what i am thinking. i know i am not going to walk into a perfect church or that it will fall into my lap with no effort. but i think i just want something authentic and not a cookie cutter church to make me feel better.
c.ALIce

moving home

i am sure the title alone has most of you anticipating my return. though i am not sure what i am supposed to learn from this experience, its none the less a irrevocable lesson. I went home for thanksgiving and i was very sad to leave. i love being around people that i love and that love me. i love spending time with my family and seeing freinds and having a good ol time just existing together. i almost dreaded the ride home, back to tremont, back to work, back to no friends, back to nothing really. I was literally crying on the inside because i wanted so much, as i did while in california to come home. to come back to that place where everything is established. you have friends, you have family, you have a church you love and believe in, etc etc etc. But then there is the other side of my heart, which is Nat. I have to admit, i have not made any suffucent effort to go and make friends. I have actually been quite content in not doing anything, one cause i was broke and couldnt afford to even if i wanted to, and two, cause i was consumed by the new adventure in my life, namely Nat. I am amazed how fortunate i am to have him in my life. i dont even think that i can describe in words how awesome he is. i wish that you, my family, my community could really get to know him. to prode into him about his loves and passions and heart. To see why it is a truly chose him above anyone else. So i talked to a good friend about my desire to move back to cincinnati and drag Nat along with me. I guess its the hardest lesson to learn that my life is not my own now, i have committed to him and plan on being with him for a long time, yet it is still hard to put aside my desires. i have lived driven by them for so long. I have all these high expectations in my head, how it would be back in cinci with Nat. then i think about all the high expectations i had for any other adventure I have done; ie, california, campbellsville, covington, florida, russia etc etc etc. They never seem to work out as planned. anyway, i suppose its a lesson on submissiveness. not in a bad way, just a harder way. its alot easier to move back to cinci, get back into old routine with same ol friends, same ol life...yada yada yada. I have made no effort to meet people here. I have been here since august and the only person i know is Nat. sometimes i think i am smothering him, and sometimes i think i am smothering myself. I dont think that my desire is necessarily for people to hang out with. My desire is for ministry, to impact lives and delve deep into my spirituality by creating an encouraging community of like-minded believers that i can touch in less that a 6 hour drive. I put it off, thinking, after we sell the house and get settled, after i get to a certain point in my life, after this, after that. so basically, i have to start from scratch, and no matter where i have gone in my adventures, i dont think i have ever really had to do that.
So i am going to submit to the circumstances of life and stay here. there is no telling how long or even where we will end up. Its like i have to redefine myself as someone other than chrissi from cincinnati, the rebel, the "_______" (fill in the blank). I am redefining myself as Nat's wife, a mother, an encourager, someone that stands up with what is right. I have longed since before i went to california for a safe place to redefine myself. to escape from the constant eye of those that have always been there (no offense). a safe place to explore who i am when i am nothing. what will i do? will i sit passively on the sidelines waiting for life to come to me, or will i make life what i want it to be? will i continue to live my life by my own devices, or will i actually trust that HE knows what HE is doing. Who am i when no one knows who i am? does that make sense?? i will always be me, thats inevitable...but when given the freedom to spread my wings and really fly as an individual, seperated from the old and stepping into the new unknowingly. its like a blank canvas really. i just sorta stare at it waiting for it to paint itself. getting frustrated because nothing is coming. when it all starts with the stroke of a brush.
so staying here is not a curse. its not holding me back, its not preventing me from anything, if anything, it is the clean slate i have been praying for. its all the newness of life at my command, what will i make of myself? I hope that me being here only strengthens my relationships with those back home. that we will talk more, share more, love more boldly...does community consist only in a specific area? can it transcend miles and hours? my core group (you know who you are) will always be. i cant imagine not continuing my life without you in it. i know i need to make a better effort at being closer to you all despite the distance, and i want to be apart of this great adventure in your lives, please help keep me accountable.
love you all
c.ALIce

to be thankful

yeah i realize thanksgiving was a couple days back, but reflection time is now. i am so thankful for everything i have in my life, love, family, friends, work, and shelter. i really miss everyone back home in ohio. i am not by any means miserable here, but i realize how much i have there. i love my family and it kills me that i cant just run home on a whim. even if i wanted to, i dont have a car. i miss going to fridays with emma on tuesdays. i miss dancing on the weekends. i miss monday dinners with carol, cindy and kate. i miss random movies and blue ice cream with sa. i wish i was close enough to drive up to columbus when i KNOW amber needs a hug, and a good friend. i am jealous. i am jealous that i am not apart of that anymore. i am jealous that i feel left out. even when i am there it seems awkward sometimes, that the connection is just not there anymore, or takes more time to renew. i dont have anyone up here that i can just go talk to. granted, i havent really made an effort because frankly i am lazy. but then i think, no one, no matter what, cant compare to those i have in my heart, living back home. i want to be closer to my parents. i want to be closer to my friends. i want to be closer to God. i chose to be here, and i dont regret that at all. i love Nat and i want to be with him, and in order to be with him, i need to be here. just a growing pain i guess.
the weekend went very well. it was nice to spend time with my family. i made an awesome thanksgiving dinner (with help) and played cards and adopted yet another puppy. today, i really wonder how long that will last. they are driving me crazy!!! but cute, which doubled the problem. etta knows when she has done something bad, queeny/sadie is a quiet riot (she looks innocent, but i have seen with my own two eyes her instigate), and shyla is of course perfect. dad isnt doing well. people ask, how is your dad, and i guess all i can say is he is having a good day or a bad day. he will always be sick. i cant imagine how frustrating it is. i feel for him. my honey has been sick, and i feel helpless because i cant do anything about it. he is getting better though. i felt bad yesterday, i knew he wanted to go home and i wanted to stay in ohio and go to a movie with my sisters and see kate, so i drugged him and left him. i felt so guilty because i was not catering to him, which isnt a chore by any means. i think he understood. i think thats the first time i knew what he wanted and did what i wanted despite him....its not a good feeling. its not like i have sacrificed my life and my desires, dont get the wrong idea. i just want to make him happy.
i did write a blog again last week, but of course the internet wasnt cooperating with me. it wasnt alot. just talking about the regret blog (see previous). i know that it is ultimately up to me, and i really shouldnt depend on others or worry about what they will think. but its a special occassion and i want to do it right, and i do have to consider those closest to me. its ok, the blog made it out to be much worse than it is. i was just frustrated.
i am really tired, and i think i am going to take a nap and work a little later. i work much better at night (though my boss says i need to be there in the am for clients, even though i dont have contact with them. psycho i tell you.
i love you all. you all are so special to me, if you forgot refer back to sister blogs. i hold you all deep in my heart and i wish i could be a better friend.
c.ALIce

regrets

I have discovered something. I was thinking about regret. I was thinking about there were some decision in life that I wish I could take back. Things I highly regret ever doing. I think that if I could go back in time I would change them. But then I think, if I hadn’t have experienced the things which I regret, then I don’t think I would appreciate what I have now. So now, do you make decisions based on whether or not in 5 years you will regret it? I know that I make decisions spontaneously, but honestly, I don’t think I regret any of them. Life is all about learning from your mistakes, all about living to your best potential. How far do you let others influence your decisions. Should I stall something I really want to do and feel is best for me because I want to make sure everyone is content? Why do people make my decisions so hard to make?

Chicago

Went to chicago this weekend. it was fun. we went to the feild museum, basically a history museum. work is well. i cant wait to come home on thursday, first because it is thanksgiving, my favorite holiday and second because i dont have to work. Nothin too exciting going on. Etta is crazy all the time, excpet for now, she is cuddled up right next to me taking a nap. its good to have shyla around, keeps etta in check.
cant wait to see you this weekend. abbi, you coming up for thanksgiving??? i would love to see you!!!

daily 11.17

so i have been frustrated with work lately. other than computers crashing and lack of confidence, i just really didnt think i could do anything right. today i got sent some icons to do and when i was done i sent them to my bosses and they actually liked them, they said they were "fabulous" and "perfect"... i dont think that has ever happened. i sent something in and i didnt have to redo it. i was so proud of myself i gloated all day!!!
thats it
carol said my posts were too long, so i am trying to do a little vit everyday.

11 days later!!

Well i guess i could say that nothing much has been going on, but that would be a lie. I am frustrated with work becasue i dont feel like i have the creative juices to be consistent, nor the knowledge of the programs i am using to be efficient. i know all that comes with time, but its stressful in the moment. i am having some serious self-imge issues. i guess everyone goes through that time where they look and see what they have become and are disgusted. I am not overly overweight. I am not totally dissatisfied with my appearance. But i know i can be better. I see in my head how i want to be, but just cant seem to muster up the determination to get there. I am tired all the time, and i have a pretty good hunch why. i am trying, but trying doesnt seem to be enough. i am stepping into a new life, i feel like i am getting a fresh start in a lot of ways, and i want to be the type of person that takes advantage of the oppurtunities in front of me, rather than let them pass by. Which brings me to Arbonne. I have been praying for a while that God would bring something into my life that would give me freedom yet still pay my bills. I really like working for Levi, despite the stress. But i want something else too. I am not sure who, if any have hear of arbonne (katie i know you have). But i really believe its something God has put into my path for a reason. I have talked candidly about it to a couple people and they are like "oh really, i was thinking about getting into that too." That amazes me. I usually recieve such resistance when i think i am trying to sell something. But i really think that this sells itself. It is a great product, and the more i know about it, the more i really think i could be good at it. Please pray for me about this decision, and also pray whether or not you have a place in it. Its like anything else, network marketing wise, where you have to build clientele and your own personal business. I am a bit weary of that, because i really dont like pushing things onto people, but i think its different when you actually believe in what you are promoting. So I am asking each of you to bear with me, and please support me, dont dismiss it as one more of those door to door sales people. I have never done anything like this in my life, so i guess that should say something. Prepare yourself financially, in case you come to a party and are interested in purchasing. I dunno. We will see where it goes I guess.
I really want to get into a church. i need to somehow establish myself in Illinois and make new friends. It is really hard to do. I have gotten prety accustomed to nto going anywhere or doing anything, but i also think that i am getting bored. I find myself going into a slight depression. I know i have great friends home in cincinnati, ans also abroad, but i think i need to get more involved here. Its great having the encouragement from afar, but i also need a social life beyond Nat. Ultimately spending every free moment together will drive us both crazy. I feel bad that i dont keep in touch with many friends. I should call people I havent talked to in a while. i should be more consistent...(appears to be a trend in my life). I am not lonely, I am more so in need of people, i need to minister and be ministered to, and i am not fulfilling that passion in my life right now. I am not the type of person that sits around, though it has been very nice as of late. kind of like a vacation from life. Although life is still going on. It was a long quiet moment, and now i am ready to get back into life. I dont want to waste it, I only get one.
yes, ya know i cant go a blog without talking about him...Nat...he is still wonderful. I find it awkward sometimes trying to figure out how it all happened. I have no reservations or doubts, but i can sense it in others sometimes. I am not sure sometimes how to go about talking about it with certain people. I feel as though they dont approve/understand. I am sure that is my imagination talking, yet the feeling is still there. that makes me weary. Its not their decision, it is ultimately my life and everyone wants the best for the both of us. I have no idea what i am doing. I have no guarantees that it will last a lifetime, or 6 months. But I am not about to waste my time either. It is amazing how well he fits with me. How well he communicates with me, comforts me, loves me. sometimes i doubt that he really knows how much he gives me, and i fear that i am not giving enough. i will marry this man. thats not the issue. but the when and where and how...GOD how stressful! I went dress shopping and realized that its just not me. Mom says i shouldn't even think about marriage till i have a ring. yes, i would like one, but whats a ring 6 months before a wedding or 6 hours. We have openly committed our intent, isnt that the bottom line? Nat's mom approves of eloping, but there are future ramifications to that, whether spoken or not. The best part is the celebration with family and friends, a really good excuse to get together, why all the hoopla? simple, elegant, romantic, sincere and festive. I am slowly coming to terms with what i really want, honestly i hadnt really thought about it, though i remember when i did, it was small and simple with a big party. i really dont know what i think about weddings in general, open commitment to others to prove you want to be together, yet honestly and sincerely, its to make the committment official. one day at a time. the thought of it makes me nervous and stressed out. to much to take into account..flowers? cake? DJ? photographer? who to invite? invitations? dress? shoes? tux? location? location? location? when? how? AUGH...it will come in its due timing.
etta, the new puppy is adorable.

she is a little rascal, but becoming very friendly. she will actually come to you and cuddle for a bit, then its off to harrassing shyla. i think shyla gets really annoyed, but still keeps her cool and is somewhat protective of her. its adorable. i hate when they fight though, even if its play fighting because it sounds like they hate each other. But they both emerge alive, so i guess thats a good sign.
i added these google ads to my site. they pay you to do it, so i took advantage of the oppurtunity to make some money. all i had to do was sign up, then i totally redecorated the site to accomodate. i am so talented.
tim, nats best friend, has been in town this week. he is fixing our computers. last night we played poker and shaighai at josh and brin's. i feel like i should make more of an effort to really make more time to spend with them. they really are alot of fun, but still rather awkward (for me at least). monday night we played scene it (the one i got for my birthday..thanks bird family!) it was fun, i actually knew more than i thought i would. last weekend i went shopping, they have these amazing places called malls, and in these places they have things called stores, and there you can buy stuff!! whoa! i really didnt buy anything, but it was nice to get outta the house for a while. this weekend we are going to chicago with josh, brin, and tim. i think it will be great. great chance to really get to know them and have a good time. Friday night is poker, and i think i am going to take the pot this time. well there is always dreaming...but ya never know! its hard to play against Nat, because he bets on everything, so i cant really rely on pushing him out and betting so high it will make him fold. all well. i can only get better right?
next week is thanksgiving. i am excited, should be a good time. going to pflederer thanksgiving, like 80 people...like thanksgiving at the burchetts!! then driving to cincinnati and then back here. then nessa comes in like 3-4 weeks. i hope i get to spend some girl on girl time with her. i especially feel bad not keeping in better touch with her. she is a great friend and we have so much in common. i guess in some ways i figure she cant get rid of me if she tries, i mean i do intend on marrying her brother (she's got to think that is awkward!!=)).
it snowed for the first time today, and it is COLD outside!!!
well i guess thats about it for now. congrats abbi on the curves thing, sounds like it is going well for you. love you all dearly and deeply, dont ever forget that!!!
c.ALIce

right way

so today is my birthday, happy birthday to me!! i am 27 today, and honestly i dont feel that old. who knew when i turned 26 that one year later so much would have changed. who thought i would be thinking about marriage and wedding plans?? ya'll know its inevitable, why wait? dad is not doing well. that concerns me to a point because i want him to be at my wedding, then the other part of me doesnt want anyone there. i just want to get it done. i tell him everyday how i feel, and i hold it as personal and intimate between us. i dont know that i am all that comfortable with sharing with others around. we have basically decided to have a very small wedding, family only. then have celebration parties (sorta like reception) in cinci and illinois, so family and friends can celebrate with us. its all too stressful, even the smallest of weddings. i know, deep in my heart, that i dont want to be with anyone else, yet weddings seem more like making others happy, feels almost like proof. but i sway both ways. a wedding with friends and family, traditional and momentous would be nice, though i sway much more to quiet and small. who really likes the wedding ceremony anyway?? it really is more about the reception. there is a part of that that seems more prepared, though i am spontaneous, why go against my nature? I do want a ring though, i have it all picked out...its beautiful!! i just want to do it my way. funny thing is, i am ready for the marriage, but freaked out by the wedding. who knows what will happen.
dad was taken to hospital yesterday and they were going to admit him, but something about not having authorization so they sent him home and called him later telling him to come back to ER, and dad was like "ah, ill go tommorrow"...he's so stubborn, but i guess that is my dad (dont know where i get it from). mom and cheryl are worried. i'd really like for my dad to meet Nat. I think that is the most important part. i think about years from now, when my dad probably wont be here, and you want him to, but then i realize that he will always be with me. Not all hokey, guardian angel, but I am like my dad, and though i would love to share in all my moments in life, his love and acceptance will always give me peace that he shares in my happy and sad, because i share in my happy and sad. maybe its less about him actually being there for me, but me allowing him to be there.
i think too much.
i really do.
i am excited about my party on saturday. i hope a lot of people come. i know it will be fun.
i hope mom and dad can make it.
i have court today. not so excited about it, but it has to be done.
i will do it my way...just have to figure out what my way is.
c.ALIce

Birthday Party November 5th

Here is an invitation to my birthday get together. Its going to be November 5th (thats a saturday night) at the house in Monroe. Call me if you need anything. We will probably playing some fun games and having nice talks. I am excited. It will be a great chance for me to see and visit with everyone while i am home. PLEASE COME!

100 Things (carol put me up to it)

1.When I was little, I used to hold my breath till I
was blue when i was mad. that went on until one day
my mom let me faint.
2. i used to push my sisters buttons growing up, get
her to the point she wanted to attack and ran and
locked myself in the bathroom (she only caught me
once).
3. i have a degree in photography, and work in graphic
design.
4. i have studied (yet am NOT fluent) 5 languages
(Russian, German, French, Spanish and Arabic).
5. I am fluent in English.
6. I used to watch Buffy, my excuse was that it was
bonding time with my sister, in reality, its a really
good show.
7. i moved in with my boyfriend within 10 days of
meeting him, and we live in Illinois, and i am ok with
that.
8. I lived in Los Angeles for nearly 3 months thats
where i met my boyfriend.
9. I love thunderstorms and sitting on the porch when
it rains.
10. New England Patriots are my favorite team...and i
am not a bandwagonner (if thats a term)
11. I end sentences with prepositions to tick my
"bachelors in english" degree sister off.
12. I have "dated" less than 10 people, yes in my
life! (dated as in went on a date, and even some of
those are questionable)
13. I have only kissed 5, only two of which i dated.
14. I am considered the black sheep in my family,
though i am far from it.
15. I have smoked pot 4 times, all of which i got
sick.
16. I have been drunk 4 times, but i remember what i
did.
17. I have had my tongue peirced 3 times, and peirced
my lip myself.
18. i learned most about sex and masturbation during
my 6th grade summer at northwoods park.
19. I love horses.
20. I consider my great aunt lucille my grandma.
21. I never really knew my real grandparents, by the
time i came around they were either old or dead.
22. I am the third of three girls...and we are the
best family on both sides!! =)
23. my sisters are my best friends.
24. I played volleyball in high school until senior
year, where i opted to be on the swom team (although i
had never swam before).
25. I am usually pretty good at whatever i do.
26. i dont like to read.
27. I have been to Israel.
28. I have been to Jordan.
29. I have been to Russia
30. I long to go to Italy.
31. I am in love with Nat Pflederer
32. I believe deeply in God, and think that many
times we miss out on His fullness.
33. I dont enjoy church, most of the time.
34. I failed my drivers test the first time
(manuveability)
35. Passed it the second time (smaller car)
36. I had gotten 5 speeding tickets, pulled over for
not having front license plate, for having someone
hang out my sunroof. Been in 1 accident with another
car, and another by backing into a parked car (the
latter of which had more damage).
37. i consider myself a good driver.
38. I am really laid back.
39. I dont like to make decisions, cause i dont like
conflict and dont mind doing anything, so it really
doesnt matter to me.
40. my favorite type of music is jazz (this week)
though i listen to anything from hip hop to blues.
41. I am scared to death of failing, so much so i
dont try.
42. Art school was one of the best things to happen
to me.
43. I have never met a celebrity, and honestly dont
care to.
44. I am a scorpio, and thats supposed to mean
something.
45. My favorite movie is BraveHeart
46. I smoke cigerettes (camel turkish silver), which
is probably why i am considered a rebel.
47. I despise family functions (other than immediate
family)
48. The only books I own are "how to" books
49. i love the smell of vanilla.
50. I threw up on Brian Durham (biggest crush) in
high school.
51. Incapable of giving blood ( i have tried several
times).
52. I have driven cross country twice (to LA and
back)
53. I have incredible friendships with people. Their love and devotion is deep and fatithful.
54. I never went to Prom.
55. I was a Homecoming Nominee for "Solid ROC" the only christian club at school, and the only female senior. It was a horrible expereince.
56. The guy nominee with me is now openly gay.
57. I am a picky eater.
58. Favorite thing in the whole world is blue ice cream from kings island.
59. I love random road trips.
60. I played Viola in 5th grade and clarinet in middle school.
61. i have 2 tattoos, and have 5 more in mind
62. I have more of a heart for christians than non christians
63. I want to be a stay at home mom.
64. i am not afraid of death, or much of anything for that matter.
65. I highly avoid conflict.
66. I shut down when people talk down to me or in a condescending voice.
67. yelling is for football games, not conversations.
68. i hate to be in the presence of people that "bicker" whether play or not.
69. I used to write poetry.
70. Painting is the most relaxing art form
71. I dont cry but maybe twice a year
72. i used to have a VERY short temper
73. I cannot and will not follow someone i dont respect.
74. I respect Nat.
75. I have issues with male authority figures in the church.
76. My pastor once told me that I didnt need to get saved, again (apparently he believed more than i did that the prior was sincere)
77. I feel that many christians need a good spanking.
78. my first car was a 85 mercury topaz, when we gave it away, the driver door didnt open, the headlights were duck-taped on, there was no reverse (so you better have parked on a hill facing down).
79. I like living in the country more than the city.
80. I want to have a garden and grow my own veggies.
81. I am a simple minded person, i dont need much to be happy.
82. My favorite band of all time is "the doors"
83. I have a pair of shoes that i have had for nearly 5 years (or longer) that i have only worn 3 times.
84. I am somewhat resentful towards my mother, but have come a long way to get over it. She is human too.
85. My dad never came to any of my sporting events
86. Mom barely did either.
87. Its ok though, I was a bench warmer. Not for my lack of skills, but for my attitude.
88. I still remember the best play i ever did, when and where.
89. Crushes on boys was the only thing that got me up in the morning to go to high school.
90. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
91. I have learned that i really like to cook, and i am good at it
92. I currently dont have a car. I like it.
93. I love developing my our photos in a darkroom
94. I am very critical of myself.
95. I take pride in being a trusted and non-judgmental friend
96. No one knows everything about me, and only one has come close
97. I have a hard time recieving charity
98. I always feel as though I have to work or eventually pay back peoples generosity towards me.
99. I regret kissing anyone other than Nat
100. I think that holding hands is very intimate
101. Favorite parts of my body: eyes, smile, legs and neck...everything else could use some work
102. My favorite flower is a red gerbera daisy
103. I am highly allergic to rabbits, and mildly to cats
104. I want to live in a different country
105. I would like my children to be multi lingual and cultured
106. I am quite the procrastinator
107. I am somewhat anal, i guess you could say passively anal
108. i love crab and chicken divan.
109. I scared my mom will die before i can take full advantage of her wisdom.
110. I think my family is perfect.
111. I love natural cheetos, and my greatest fear is that one day they will stop producing them. =)
112. if i think of more, i will continue, but i cant procrastinate working any longer.

daddy

Carol posted about dad and letting go. The post made me sad, but didnt make me cry. Is there something wrong with me? I am sad, but i think that i had come to terms with it a while ago. I feel like i have gained much from him. I have spent the most time with him, but in a different way. I think more that i feel guilty that i took it for granted for so long, but to spend time with dad is work, literally. I dont think i am resentful because much of what i know and who i am is credited to him. I am sort of at a loss at how i should feel. if i say i am not sad, then i am evil, if i say i am, maybe i am lying. honestly, i dont think i would give his lack of health a second thought until mom and cheryl and carol bring it up. I love my daddy, and of course there are many things i want him to do and experience in my life, but i think in order to not let it get to me, i have to come to terms with that fact that he might not get to experience those things here. I agree with Carol, I want him to be happy, i want him to be able to take a deep breath and build as many fences as his hearts content. That I think is more of a comfort to me than him being miserable. Life will take its course, and death with it.

finally home

last week was very draining. monday my computer crashed hard, so hard that it wouldnt come back on and i had to take it into the apple store for repair. i will get it back on tuesday, i am so excited. i miss it. i just hope that it will be okay when i get it back. i really need to get some work done! i think i will have to invest in some more memory and i need to get the OS upgrade. cant do that till i get paid though. ugh. never get ahead. i am really tired, and i have alot to do to get back settled in here. nice to be home.

great site

thought this was a great site...
http://bigoldgod.blogspot.com

good day (for me)

i am definately someone that thrives on affirmation. i need to be told, reminded, convinced and i have to have it re-inerated like a thousands times. when i started working with levi, i was already doubtful of my ability...i mean i have never worked in a graphic design anything, my degree is in photography, and i dont even feel adequate in that. i was also coming in under the "Master" joshy (pronounced JOE-SHE). i have to admit he is amazing. and i am determined to surpass him, one day at a time. so yesterday he gave me the complexity of making an icon from a picture of a car..it is WAY more than just tracing. i have about 40 different layers of tiny shapes to get that effect, but i guess thats the best way to go about it (cause they is how Joshy does it). so today he left for school as usual and i was given homework (like always, didnt think this was a vacation did you?). and i made some logos, and they are good...levi even said so. called me the "logo gangster" which is good. i was so proud of myself, i got the affirmation that i so desperately needed to reaffirm that i am talented and able and that i will be successful. i am not scared anymore to take on another task, i am more so eager, to learn more and more, and eventually be one of the best. i am even aweing myself. i sit and look what i did, and say outloud "damn i am good". haha

cut out for something

i know that i am cut out for something in life. i know that i meant to do and be wonderful and extra-ordinary. I really like working in graphics, but i am at such a disadvantage in comparison to my master teacher. its a bit overwhelming, and everytime they have me do something else i get a chill up my spine and an instant doubt of ability in my heart. i wonder where that comes from. it doesnt prevent me from doing it because at this point it is my means of survival, but at the same time, am i really where i need to be if i feel this way.
its a great oppurtunity, and this company (if it keeps going the way it is) will grow tremendously over the years. so being that i am literally the third employee (levi:owner, Joshy:master, me: amatuer), i am excited to be apart of it. what will the future hold. i just feel like everything i have ever wanted has fell into my lap in the last couple months. what did i do to deserve it all?? dont get me wrong, i am happy, but at the same timei am scared that it will all just stop one day...what establishment embedded that into our minds? church? school? society? why do we somehow inately feel that if something is going right it is bound and determined to be destroyed (because somehow life isnt "allowed" to be happy and simple. i dunno, but whoever it was should be shot!
well the trip is worth it, i am really learning alot, and more so encouraged and determined to surpass my teacher. i think that is my competitive spirit, cant allow anyone to be better than me. i dunno when i got that mentality, but i have it. i think it is really taking the oppurtunity and working hard to make something i want happen. now that i am in the place where it is right in front of me. i am determined to not throw it away for no reason.
one thing...(for all my girls that know what i am talking about)...WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING???? talk about settling!! for the comfort of all, the one i have now is FAR FAR FAR (times infinity) AND BEYOND more suitable for me. though i am grateful we are still friends, OHMIGOD, a girl can really convince herself of the most insane things. i think i have walked around life talking my heart into things, convincing it of falsity even though it knew, oh it KNEW, but practically forcing your own soul into isolation and desolution to get what you thought it wanted. how much easier life would be, if we could be so intune with our hearts, souls (thus ultimately creator) in order to truly know what to do, becasue i really think "we know" what we REALLY need to do. our soul tells us everyday, it longs for it with each breathe, we just look for other ways to accomplish the same affect but in the long run, after the heartache and hard lesson, we come back to the same place, where we decide, do we do what we KNOW we need to do, or do we try to find one more thing to occupy our hearts and thoughts in order to avoid the commitment to it. you know what i am talking about....what do you do in order to "run" from what you know is what your heart and soul long for? do you move to another city, thinking if you could just get a fresh start...do you worry about everything, work, school, career, where to go to dinner, what movie to watch?.....do you keep yourself so busy with anything and everything (even though sometimes it may seem "religious" and "worthy")?...do you find someone to spend your time with in order to talk and share openly about what you heart really wants? do you go to movies? run around the block? drive in your car? watch tv? ... do you stay away from people that may actually challenge you? do you go hang out with others that could care less either way?...do you just sit? read other books? paint? draw?... do you search adn search for a "Church home" and nice "christian community" in order to feel encouraged?...do you rely on your current circle of friends to guide and direct you (cause they have to have the answers, because they seem to have it together a helluva lot more than you do...and everyone knows that others peoples opinions are etched in stone as far as truth and insight.)...do you talk on the phone? do you invest time and money into service ( and when you do that, are you doing it because you want to feel good about seeing others less fortunate)...why dont we servant evagelise every saturday morning at golf courses? why do we go to homeless parks and corners of "less fortunate" people?? just a thought? why, even in our ministries, do we show bias...do people with money have less of need? Bible says the serve poor, feed hungry, go visit captives, take care of elderly....yet because its easier for a camel to go through eye of a needle...ya'll know the verse...i just wonder. you have a dream, your heart longs for SO much more, and something is holding you back, and that is probably you. You have a purpose, your heart is specifically designed for it...thats why each person has such unique and dynamic talents and abilities, did you think that is a fluke? what makes your heart jump? what brings about passion in your conversation? what is constantly on your mind? what thoughts of splendor do you contemplate on? why do you wait? why do you sit and wait for the best timing? i think that if you have the desire and the means, do it....waiting is just another excuse. if you never take the step of risk, and trust that even if your timing is off (do you think he will let you down?? especially if you are drawing towards him?)
there ya go, your encouragement for the day. something to ignite that fire in your souls...cause even though you may have poured water, sand, baking soda and tried everything to smother it out, its like Elijah's Fire from Heaven, it is still ignitible...just got to take the risk.
love ya
c.ALIce

yeah yeah, take your own advice.

to make u smile

flOOOOOHHHHrrridddaaaa....(zzzzZzZZZ)

i am exhausted. nothing like spending all day in an airport to make someone veering to get to work. i am tired. did i mention that? i have been tired alot lately actually, cant figure out what my problem is. i miss Nat. Two more weeks, thats all...then i can get a hug, and a kiss. Its amazing how much you can miss about someone. I am sure the vacation is doing him well, but I am anxious to get "home." so i started this little project, but I cant talk about it. i know, im evil, but i dont want to ruin the surprize!! I have been in Cincinnati all week pretty much, but unable to go anywhere because of my lack of transportation. It makes me feel helpless, but at the same time i really like it. i like not having the burden of a car payment or an insurance payment, there is a certain freedom in that. It doesnt make me want to work less, or unproductively, but it just allows my money to go elsewhere. The story is long and drawn out how i got here, why i made certain decisions and so on and so forth, but its my business.
i really feel like i am in a great place in my life. like i have been given a new start, with a companion to deal with me. i feel bad though. i feel in the process of pursuing this new avenue of life that i am slowly letting go of who i used to be. i have changed so much over the last 6 months, and learned much about myself and what i want (and that not being based on others opinions). i almost feel at a loss at trying to reconnect to people. i dont feel like i have anything to say, my life has changed. it has become what i didnt like about other friends, all the talk about one person, and in an effort not to be that person, i just dont say anything at all. honestly, i love talking about my new found passion, but dont want to wear the subject out so much that people get sick of it. its weird when life changes. people have a certain hostility to the change. though they are happy for the experiences and the new adventure, they are somewhat selfish...almost making one feel guilty for moving on. its not bad. i truly treasure all my friendships with people, but i am not sure where they will end up. i will have to make new friends in illinois, and that will change the dynamics of the friendships i currently have. i guess i dont write on here much anymore because i feel like i dont have much to say. I share most everything (if not everything) with Nat, which means i really dont have to talk to anyone else.
i really think this job was made for me. i still have much to learn, but i am confident that i will eventually catch on, and hopefully in not too far in the future that they cast me aside as a lost cause. i think i can be very successful in this business, but i have to put 150% into it, and that takes discipline and hard work, but it makes it alot easier when it is already something i am passionate about. it incorporates all these things i am good at...and yet it is still challenging and open ended. i really want to take this oppurtunity and go with it, and not slack and miss it.
see how it just seems like life is working out. I am seriously in awe of how much i can love one person, and how much i feel secure in a relationship with a guy. i am in awe of the timing, of both the man and the job. what could i possibily had done to make this happen, it was totally out of my control. I am just glad that I am working out the pressure to do what people think you should do. what do i really want? I dont want to miss out on things because i dont want to put anyone out (including my future husband). i have become so passive, its not bad, i like it, but i also dont want to miss out on anything because i want to make everyone happy...see how that "people pleasing" just creeps right in.
so what do i do? how do you figure out what you really want and how you really want to do something when you always have people giving their two cents. last time i checked, i was living my life. its so aggrevating, its a constant battle for me.
yaknow, i really feel like i am in a place where i want to get back on track with God, and its not for the usual reasons of "getting right because i was in the wrong" but I want to because I want to live a full life. I want to experience everything within the context of HIS love, because it is always better that way. Its for me. Not for anyone else. I went to church on sunday, and i had been dying to go for a while, and i was sitting there remembering why i barely went when i was in cincinnati, because it felt so lonely. I dunno, I want my relationship with GOD to be a different level, beyond just going to some random church because I feel like i need to, though i understand the importance of its community. I want to go so much deeper, and most churches dont offer that kind of experience, its something you truly have to seek out on your own. one thing i loved about the vineyard was the classes (like prayer training) which gave you a safe place to explore the depths of God beyond sunday morning. thats the kind of life i want, to dig deep into the heart of God, and in doing that, give others a safe haven to go deeper. I want to see others see God as a person rather than a deity. To allow HIM to penetrate their lives and hearts, which in turn transforms a life of a pharisee to a life of a disciple. To make it real and genuine and not just another thing to do on their "to-do" list.
one day at a time. thats all you can really do. cant have too many expectations. but to make the most with what is given and right in front of you.
love you all
c.ALIce

i am fine, promise

carol was sorta getting on me because i havent written in a while but no one really has, doesnt mean that life doesnt go on, just means that life either got too complicated or too busy. mine is the latter. about two weeks ago i started working with levi, which is briefly explained in my other entries. basically i am designing anything from logos to websites (for now). i have done several brochures and various other projects. i feel a little overwhelmed right now with the conclusion that college sucks and i spent too much money for nothing. but i have learned so much in the process. i am a bit frustrated because i feel like such an amateur, but i will survive, because it is something that i really want to pursue, and it is worth it to get where i want to be. its just alot of teaching yourself, refershing yours memory and getting creative again. i really like working from home, its much harder that way, one must be more determined, but i love it. levi is great, i like much better to be his friend, a lot less drama and heart ache, and since i met Nat, i really look back and think "what the hell was i thinking" levi is still a great friend, but i am glad i am over that. and i know all of you agree.
i have been working at jonahs, hating it. i am not sure i will go back after my trip. oh yeah, the trip. i am currently in ohio, staying at home (well, sisters) for a week then flying down to florida to stay with levi for training, then i will go back to illinois. its the longest i have been away from Nat, i think we will survive. That is still going great. I cant believe i have stayed with one person for this long and not fought or gotten on each others nerves (i can push some buttons, but i dont think i have gotten too out of control). i did have one of those nights where i cried because i felt so utterly overwhelmed all at once, and thinking about what i was really doing. i let it out, and i appreciate him more. i am in awe that i get to spend the rest of my life with him. its such a healthy relationship (not because we dont fight, but because we can talk about it). i hope that everyone gets to expereince this kind of relationship, and that it will last.
well i am broke. LA was not the most fiscal acheivement of my life, but you deal and move on. i will be ok, will take some time to get back on my feet still because i have like 100 to my name, and i owe it to someone. i wish there was money coming in, but i doubt i will get the apartment deposit back (although i didnt sign anything so i should be reimbursed when a new roomie moves in), and other than that, theres nothing. plus all the debt i accrued while there, i am looking into my options. it is very humbling and it makes me feel so helpless. i have always been in the money, not so much that i was wealthy, but comfortable in my means. i hate not being able to be generous because i dont have anything to give. i am blessed with amazing people in my life that are generous, though sometimes hard to accept their gifts, i am learning more and more about "recieving" (remember my issues).
lately i feel an insurge of a desire to seek after GOD creep in. its been a while since i have had the inkling. I just want to take time and spend with HIM and get reaquainted. i understand a little better how relationships are maintained, and in that i see how i have failed HIM, but not really failed, just lacked devotion. there are so many things i have to be thankful for, and i dont want to cheat myself from a fuller life.
well there is not much else right now. love nat, hate jonahs, in ohio, going to florida, working with levi, happy, content, lovestruck....
abby: glad you love your new house, cant wait to come visit. i bet "butch" is huge.
amber: want to come up, or you come down (but frankly cant afford the gas and not sure when it is feesible)
steph: anytime is good, and call me
kati: you need to 1. update your blog 2. call me
sa: good to see you
carol: train your dog
cheryl: get carol to train her dog =)
jen e: hello??!??! how are the wedding plans?
nessa: do you even read this?
sarah c: reading, will comment later. how is life? stormy?
Nat: you really are incredible, miss you, love you (kisses)

thats all for now...ill try to update it better.
c.ALIce

2:53

it is nearly 3am and i cant sleep. i am being bombarded with lots of emotions and can seem to settle myself down. why does life have to be so hard? its like my insides are always torn, like i cant get settled or figure anything out, or be safe for too long without something going wrong. life is too good right now, other than my girlie emotions creeping in, and i almost feel like at any moment its all just going to fall apart. Nat is wonderful. i dont know if God could've given me anyone more perfect. Its a process though. i dont really like jonahs, more because i feel like the work for the money is a waste of time, but i admit i was spoiled by encore (you mean you dont walk out with over 100 every night without sidework?!?!?). the people are getting better, just have to avoid certain ones, and its fine. i really like working for levi even though i am overwhelmed with everything i dont know. joshy (my boss) has been great. i know i can do well, just getting past the learning curve. I have an interview on friday with portrait innovations, i think i talked about it before. i am excited. i think it will be better than jonahs by still bettering myself as far as photography goes. i seriously think i am pmsing, there is really no other reason for all my self inflicted drama. i over-analyze too much. its hard to just let go though, hard to just say, ok,no matter what happens, or what anyone says, i am going to be happy, and making steps towards that. i have been so tired this week. i think with the learning curve i worked 40+ hours with levi, plus jonahs on top of that, changing sleeping schedule, dinners and hanging out. it sucks because now is the perfect time for me to sleep and not have to worry about getting up, and here i am 3am, typing quietly as not to disturb nat, though i seriously doubt he can even hear. there is nothing wrong with me, i am not depressed, angry or frustrated...i cant even put it into words, i just feel burdensome. i long so much for peace, i have a peace from GOd that everything will be ok, i have a peace about where i am and who i am with, i have a peace about job situations, but still, i long for everything to come without a struggle...pipe dreams. i dont remember life being so complicated. i just have to stop thinking......ugh!!!
night

read this....agree or disagree

http://meplainandtall.blogspot.com

44 DAYS

I have known my future husband for 44 days. and i have 44, 000 reasons why i would choose him again every day!!! (that was for you babe....kisses)

one day at a time

it was good to hang out this weekend. its so hard to come home sometimes because there is just not enough time to spend quality time with all the people i want to, but i enjoyed the party at cindy's place and the cookout at kate and jimi's....i definately needed it.
i got to hang out with my sisters and emma and steph. they havent seen me since before i left for california so we had a lot of catching up to do. it was a hard weekend emotionally because many hurts and scars from the past surfaced and i became scared that Nat was going to reject me. of course he has not given anything less than affirmation, but being away and not having the constant affirmation was somewhat of a struggle.
i hate my job, they are so mean. last night i was done with all my sidework and silver and stood there for 45 minutes waiting for todd (my least favorite, actually putting the word favorite at all is an overstatement), to cash me out. then on my way home, the exit i usually take was closed so i had to go the long way. its more frustrating because i really wanted to get home and see nat before he went to bed, but that was not going to happen.
i am starting to get some work with levi. i even have an email address (cbond@virtuallnk.com...multimedia developer) i am apprehensive but excited. it is a great time to learn but still i am somewhat on my own. he hasnt given me anything yet, but i should have projects by the beginning of next week. its more like a trial period i think, but he is still paying me (per project for now, then hourly eventually). i talked to a lawyer about filing bankrupcy. it will reduce my monthly payments by nearly 1200. that will be great. somehow have to come up with some lawyer fees, but i have a couple weeks to get my stuff together. i feel like such a great burden has been lifted from me, and i feel like i can do more in life without having to deal with it anymore. it sucks, but i really dont have any other options at this point.
nessa is in illinois this week and next, it sucks to work on the weekends!!! i am going to their moms house in sunday for dinner and then hopefully next week nessa and i will go to hang out together. i am glad she is here, its great to have oppurtunities to hang out with good friends.
i want a job where i dont have to work on the weekends unless i choose to. i go back and forth about what kind of work i want to do. at this point i just want to have a job where i dont have to work at Jonahs anymore. i think i am just over serving, despite the fact i am making decent money and it is on a day to day basis, but i am just done with certain people. i dont like feeling like someone will bitch at me at any time. one day i will lash back at him and he will not even know what hit him. cause i am like that...let issues boil up inside until i just get to a certain point then i just blow. i should really work on that.
i dread everyday that i have to go in there. the people i work with are so stuck up and the money is alright, but not worth the headache. i will stick with it until i know that i have a job that i can survive on, but as soon as that comes along, i am GONE. i think i am still going to work on the photo business, just because it is extra money on the weekends and stuff.
i have had so much time on my hands and there is still a long list of things i want to accomplish. it has more to do with the fact that i dont have the money to get it started. i would have to pay for photos and websites and advertising, so that is the main reason. but iw ill do it eventually, dont doubt me just yet.
You can only take life one day at a time. i cant expect to have it all figured out now...whether love, job, or future. I have to take each day and make the most of it. today i ran a bunch of errands and got alot accomplished. it was good. nat and i went on a walk, its always nice to take a walk with him. we talked about stuff. i really like him alot. he makes me happy!! you can only live day to day because there are no promises of anything else. so each day you have to decide what you want to do and who you want to be, and live that out. you just got to stop and BREATHE sometimes and let life give you the low blows to realize what you true desires are. i am so thankful for where i am right now. i am thankful that i have someone that is being SO patient with me, i dont think i do enough to show him how much i care.
just in case you hadnt noticed, i blocked anonymous from my blog, mainly because of ads and also because people that dont sign their name are rude. so they can suck it, cause if one thinks that they are "strong" enough to criticize, they also should have the confidence to sign their name....it really does bother me!! i got 4 anonymous posts within 2 minutes of posting...STOP THE SPAM!!
i am excited because its the beginning of FOOTBALL season, which means it is PATRIOT TIME!!! i know i am retarded but i think it is fun. luckily my team and nats team are in different leagues. He is a Packer fan (i really dont know if i can handle that...i mean he has to be MAD!! hahah) i like the Patriots because they play good football and they are a team that focuses more on playing a good game and being apart of a great franchise instead of making all the money. i am confident they will do well this year because there are so many great players although they lost their defensive and offense coaches and also bruschi will be out all year (had a stroke last year after the superbowl).
anyway, i am done...i am sure there is more i can talk about considering i havent for such a long time, but i think that will strain your eyes for now.
love you all!!
c.ALIce