yeah i realize thanksgiving was a couple days back, but reflection time is now. i am so thankful for everything i have in my life, love, family, friends, work, and shelter. i really miss everyone back home in ohio. i am not by any means miserable here, but i realize how much i have there. i love my family and it kills me that i cant just run home on a whim. even if i wanted to, i dont have a car. i miss going to fridays with emma on tuesdays. i miss dancing on the weekends. i miss monday dinners with carol, cindy and kate. i miss random movies and blue ice cream with sa. i wish i was close enough to drive up to columbus when i KNOW amber needs a hug, and a good friend. i am jealous. i am jealous that i am not apart of that anymore. i am jealous that i feel left out. even when i am there it seems awkward sometimes, that the connection is just not there anymore, or takes more time to renew. i dont have anyone up here that i can just go talk to. granted, i havent really made an effort because frankly i am lazy. but then i think, no one, no matter what, cant compare to those i have in my heart, living back home. i want to be closer to my parents. i want to be closer to my friends. i want to be closer to God. i chose to be here, and i dont regret that at all. i love Nat and i want to be with him, and in order to be with him, i need to be here. just a growing pain i guess.
the weekend went very well. it was nice to spend time with my family. i made an awesome thanksgiving dinner (with help) and played cards and adopted yet another puppy. today, i really wonder how long that will last. they are driving me crazy!!! but cute, which doubled the problem. etta knows when she has done something bad, queeny/sadie is a quiet riot (she looks innocent, but i have seen with my own two eyes her instigate), and shyla is of course perfect. dad isnt doing well. people ask, how is your dad, and i guess all i can say is he is having a good day or a bad day. he will always be sick. i cant imagine how frustrating it is. i feel for him. my honey has been sick, and i feel helpless because i cant do anything about it. he is getting better though. i felt bad yesterday, i knew he wanted to go home and i wanted to stay in ohio and go to a movie with my sisters and see kate, so i drugged him and left him. i felt so guilty because i was not catering to him, which isnt a chore by any means. i think he understood. i think thats the first time i knew what he wanted and did what i wanted despite him....its not a good feeling. its not like i have sacrificed my life and my desires, dont get the wrong idea. i just want to make him happy.
i did write a blog again last week, but of course the internet wasnt cooperating with me. it wasnt alot. just talking about the regret blog (see previous). i know that it is ultimately up to me, and i really shouldnt depend on others or worry about what they will think. but its a special occassion and i want to do it right, and i do have to consider those closest to me. its ok, the blog made it out to be much worse than it is. i was just frustrated.
i am really tired, and i think i am going to take a nap and work a little later. i work much better at night (though my boss says i need to be there in the am for clients, even though i dont have contact with them. psycho i tell you.
i love you all. you all are so special to me, if you forgot refer back to sister blogs. i hold you all deep in my heart and i wish i could be a better friend.
c.ALIce
Monday, November 28, 2005
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
regrets
I have discovered something. I was thinking about regret. I was thinking about there were some decision in life that I wish I could take back. Things I highly regret ever doing. I think that if I could go back in time I would change them. But then I think, if I hadn’t have experienced the things which I regret, then I don’t think I would appreciate what I have now. So now, do you make decisions based on whether or not in 5 years you will regret it? I know that I make decisions spontaneously, but honestly, I don’t think I regret any of them. Life is all about learning from your mistakes, all about living to your best potential. How far do you let others influence your decisions. Should I stall something I really want to do and feel is best for me because I want to make sure everyone is content? Why do people make my decisions so hard to make?
Chicago
Went to chicago this weekend. it was fun. we went to the feild museum, basically a history museum. work is well. i cant wait to come home on thursday, first because it is thanksgiving, my favorite holiday and second because i dont have to work. Nothin too exciting going on. Etta is crazy all the time, excpet for now, she is cuddled up right next to me taking a nap. its good to have shyla around, keeps etta in check.
cant wait to see you this weekend. abbi, you coming up for thanksgiving??? i would love to see you!!!
cant wait to see you this weekend. abbi, you coming up for thanksgiving??? i would love to see you!!!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
daily 11.17
so i have been frustrated with work lately. other than computers crashing and lack of confidence, i just really didnt think i could do anything right. today i got sent some icons to do and when i was done i sent them to my bosses and they actually liked them, they said they were "fabulous" and "perfect"... i dont think that has ever happened. i sent something in and i didnt have to redo it. i was so proud of myself i gloated all day!!!
thats it
carol said my posts were too long, so i am trying to do a little vit everyday.
thats it
carol said my posts were too long, so i am trying to do a little vit everyday.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
11 days later!!
Well i guess i could say that nothing much has been going on, but that would be a lie. I am frustrated with work becasue i dont feel like i have the creative juices to be consistent, nor the knowledge of the programs i am using to be efficient. i know all that comes with time, but its stressful in the moment. i am having some serious self-imge issues. i guess everyone goes through that time where they look and see what they have become and are disgusted. I am not overly overweight. I am not totally dissatisfied with my appearance. But i know i can be better. I see in my head how i want to be, but just cant seem to muster up the determination to get there. I am tired all the time, and i have a pretty good hunch why. i am trying, but trying doesnt seem to be enough. i am stepping into a new life, i feel like i am getting a fresh start in a lot of ways, and i want to be the type of person that takes advantage of the oppurtunities in front of me, rather than let them pass by. Which brings me to Arbonne. I have been praying for a while that God would bring something into my life that would give me freedom yet still pay my bills. I really like working for Levi, despite the stress. But i want something else too. I am not sure who, if any have hear of arbonne (katie i know you have). But i really believe its something God has put into my path for a reason. I have talked candidly about it to a couple people and they are like "oh really, i was thinking about getting into that too." That amazes me. I usually recieve such resistance when i think i am trying to sell something. But i really think that this sells itself. It is a great product, and the more i know about it, the more i really think i could be good at it. Please pray for me about this decision, and also pray whether or not you have a place in it. Its like anything else, network marketing wise, where you have to build clientele and your own personal business. I am a bit weary of that, because i really dont like pushing things onto people, but i think its different when you actually believe in what you are promoting. So I am asking each of you to bear with me, and please support me, dont dismiss it as one more of those door to door sales people. I have never done anything like this in my life, so i guess that should say something. Prepare yourself financially, in case you come to a party and are interested in purchasing. I dunno. We will see where it goes I guess.
I really want to get into a church. i need to somehow establish myself in Illinois and make new friends. It is really hard to do. I have gotten prety accustomed to nto going anywhere or doing anything, but i also think that i am getting bored. I find myself going into a slight depression. I know i have great friends home in cincinnati, ans also abroad, but i think i need to get more involved here. Its great having the encouragement from afar, but i also need a social life beyond Nat. Ultimately spending every free moment together will drive us both crazy. I feel bad that i dont keep in touch with many friends. I should call people I havent talked to in a while. i should be more consistent...(appears to be a trend in my life). I am not lonely, I am more so in need of people, i need to minister and be ministered to, and i am not fulfilling that passion in my life right now. I am not the type of person that sits around, though it has been very nice as of late. kind of like a vacation from life. Although life is still going on. It was a long quiet moment, and now i am ready to get back into life. I dont want to waste it, I only get one.
yes, ya know i cant go a blog without talking about him...Nat...he is still wonderful. I find it awkward sometimes trying to figure out how it all happened. I have no reservations or doubts, but i can sense it in others sometimes. I am not sure sometimes how to go about talking about it with certain people. I feel as though they dont approve/understand. I am sure that is my imagination talking, yet the feeling is still there. that makes me weary. Its not their decision, it is ultimately my life and everyone wants the best for the both of us. I have no idea what i am doing. I have no guarantees that it will last a lifetime, or 6 months. But I am not about to waste my time either. It is amazing how well he fits with me. How well he communicates with me, comforts me, loves me. sometimes i doubt that he really knows how much he gives me, and i fear that i am not giving enough. i will marry this man. thats not the issue. but the when and where and how...GOD how stressful! I went dress shopping and realized that its just not me. Mom says i shouldn't even think about marriage till i have a ring. yes, i would like one, but whats a ring 6 months before a wedding or 6 hours. We have openly committed our intent, isnt that the bottom line? Nat's mom approves of eloping, but there are future ramifications to that, whether spoken or not. The best part is the celebration with family and friends, a really good excuse to get together, why all the hoopla? simple, elegant, romantic, sincere and festive. I am slowly coming to terms with what i really want, honestly i hadnt really thought about it, though i remember when i did, it was small and simple with a big party. i really dont know what i think about weddings in general, open commitment to others to prove you want to be together, yet honestly and sincerely, its to make the committment official. one day at a time. the thought of it makes me nervous and stressed out. to much to take into account..flowers? cake? DJ? photographer? who to invite? invitations? dress? shoes? tux? location? location? location? when? how? AUGH...it will come in its due timing.
etta, the new puppy is adorable.
she is a little rascal, but becoming very friendly. she will actually come to you and cuddle for a bit, then its off to harrassing shyla. i think shyla gets really annoyed, but still keeps her cool and is somewhat protective of her. its adorable. i hate when they fight though, even if its play fighting because it sounds like they hate each other. But they both emerge alive, so i guess thats a good sign.
i added these google ads to my site. they pay you to do it, so i took advantage of the oppurtunity to make some money. all i had to do was sign up, then i totally redecorated the site to accomodate. i am so talented.
tim, nats best friend, has been in town this week. he is fixing our computers. last night we played poker and shaighai at josh and brin's. i feel like i should make more of an effort to really make more time to spend with them. they really are alot of fun, but still rather awkward (for me at least). monday night we played scene it (the one i got for my birthday..thanks bird family!) it was fun, i actually knew more than i thought i would. last weekend i went shopping, they have these amazing places called malls, and in these places they have things called stores, and there you can buy stuff!! whoa! i really didnt buy anything, but it was nice to get outta the house for a while. this weekend we are going to chicago with josh, brin, and tim. i think it will be great. great chance to really get to know them and have a good time. Friday night is poker, and i think i am going to take the pot this time. well there is always dreaming...but ya never know! its hard to play against Nat, because he bets on everything, so i cant really rely on pushing him out and betting so high it will make him fold. all well. i can only get better right?
next week is thanksgiving. i am excited, should be a good time. going to pflederer thanksgiving, like 80 people...like thanksgiving at the burchetts!! then driving to cincinnati and then back here. then nessa comes in like 3-4 weeks. i hope i get to spend some girl on girl time with her. i especially feel bad not keeping in better touch with her. she is a great friend and we have so much in common. i guess in some ways i figure she cant get rid of me if she tries, i mean i do intend on marrying her brother (she's got to think that is awkward!!=)).
it snowed for the first time today, and it is COLD outside!!!
well i guess thats about it for now. congrats abbi on the curves thing, sounds like it is going well for you. love you all dearly and deeply, dont ever forget that!!!
c.ALIce
I really want to get into a church. i need to somehow establish myself in Illinois and make new friends. It is really hard to do. I have gotten prety accustomed to nto going anywhere or doing anything, but i also think that i am getting bored. I find myself going into a slight depression. I know i have great friends home in cincinnati, ans also abroad, but i think i need to get more involved here. Its great having the encouragement from afar, but i also need a social life beyond Nat. Ultimately spending every free moment together will drive us both crazy. I feel bad that i dont keep in touch with many friends. I should call people I havent talked to in a while. i should be more consistent...(appears to be a trend in my life). I am not lonely, I am more so in need of people, i need to minister and be ministered to, and i am not fulfilling that passion in my life right now. I am not the type of person that sits around, though it has been very nice as of late. kind of like a vacation from life. Although life is still going on. It was a long quiet moment, and now i am ready to get back into life. I dont want to waste it, I only get one.
yes, ya know i cant go a blog without talking about him...Nat...he is still wonderful. I find it awkward sometimes trying to figure out how it all happened. I have no reservations or doubts, but i can sense it in others sometimes. I am not sure sometimes how to go about talking about it with certain people. I feel as though they dont approve/understand. I am sure that is my imagination talking, yet the feeling is still there. that makes me weary. Its not their decision, it is ultimately my life and everyone wants the best for the both of us. I have no idea what i am doing. I have no guarantees that it will last a lifetime, or 6 months. But I am not about to waste my time either. It is amazing how well he fits with me. How well he communicates with me, comforts me, loves me. sometimes i doubt that he really knows how much he gives me, and i fear that i am not giving enough. i will marry this man. thats not the issue. but the when and where and how...GOD how stressful! I went dress shopping and realized that its just not me. Mom says i shouldn't even think about marriage till i have a ring. yes, i would like one, but whats a ring 6 months before a wedding or 6 hours. We have openly committed our intent, isnt that the bottom line? Nat's mom approves of eloping, but there are future ramifications to that, whether spoken or not. The best part is the celebration with family and friends, a really good excuse to get together, why all the hoopla? simple, elegant, romantic, sincere and festive. I am slowly coming to terms with what i really want, honestly i hadnt really thought about it, though i remember when i did, it was small and simple with a big party. i really dont know what i think about weddings in general, open commitment to others to prove you want to be together, yet honestly and sincerely, its to make the committment official. one day at a time. the thought of it makes me nervous and stressed out. to much to take into account..flowers? cake? DJ? photographer? who to invite? invitations? dress? shoes? tux? location? location? location? when? how? AUGH...it will come in its due timing.
etta, the new puppy is adorable.
she is a little rascal, but becoming very friendly. she will actually come to you and cuddle for a bit, then its off to harrassing shyla. i think shyla gets really annoyed, but still keeps her cool and is somewhat protective of her. its adorable. i hate when they fight though, even if its play fighting because it sounds like they hate each other. But they both emerge alive, so i guess thats a good sign.
i added these google ads to my site. they pay you to do it, so i took advantage of the oppurtunity to make some money. all i had to do was sign up, then i totally redecorated the site to accomodate. i am so talented.
tim, nats best friend, has been in town this week. he is fixing our computers. last night we played poker and shaighai at josh and brin's. i feel like i should make more of an effort to really make more time to spend with them. they really are alot of fun, but still rather awkward (for me at least). monday night we played scene it (the one i got for my birthday..thanks bird family!) it was fun, i actually knew more than i thought i would. last weekend i went shopping, they have these amazing places called malls, and in these places they have things called stores, and there you can buy stuff!! whoa! i really didnt buy anything, but it was nice to get outta the house for a while. this weekend we are going to chicago with josh, brin, and tim. i think it will be great. great chance to really get to know them and have a good time. Friday night is poker, and i think i am going to take the pot this time. well there is always dreaming...but ya never know! its hard to play against Nat, because he bets on everything, so i cant really rely on pushing him out and betting so high it will make him fold. all well. i can only get better right?
next week is thanksgiving. i am excited, should be a good time. going to pflederer thanksgiving, like 80 people...like thanksgiving at the burchetts!! then driving to cincinnati and then back here. then nessa comes in like 3-4 weeks. i hope i get to spend some girl on girl time with her. i especially feel bad not keeping in better touch with her. she is a great friend and we have so much in common. i guess in some ways i figure she cant get rid of me if she tries, i mean i do intend on marrying her brother (she's got to think that is awkward!!=)).
it snowed for the first time today, and it is COLD outside!!!
well i guess thats about it for now. congrats abbi on the curves thing, sounds like it is going well for you. love you all dearly and deeply, dont ever forget that!!!
c.ALIce
Thursday, November 03, 2005
right way
so today is my birthday, happy birthday to me!! i am 27 today, and honestly i dont feel that old. who knew when i turned 26 that one year later so much would have changed. who thought i would be thinking about marriage and wedding plans?? ya'll know its inevitable, why wait? dad is not doing well. that concerns me to a point because i want him to be at my wedding, then the other part of me doesnt want anyone there. i just want to get it done. i tell him everyday how i feel, and i hold it as personal and intimate between us. i dont know that i am all that comfortable with sharing with others around. we have basically decided to have a very small wedding, family only. then have celebration parties (sorta like reception) in cinci and illinois, so family and friends can celebrate with us. its all too stressful, even the smallest of weddings. i know, deep in my heart, that i dont want to be with anyone else, yet weddings seem more like making others happy, feels almost like proof. but i sway both ways. a wedding with friends and family, traditional and momentous would be nice, though i sway much more to quiet and small. who really likes the wedding ceremony anyway?? it really is more about the reception. there is a part of that that seems more prepared, though i am spontaneous, why go against my nature? I do want a ring though, i have it all picked out...its beautiful!! i just want to do it my way. funny thing is, i am ready for the marriage, but freaked out by the wedding. who knows what will happen.
dad was taken to hospital yesterday and they were going to admit him, but something about not having authorization so they sent him home and called him later telling him to come back to ER, and dad was like "ah, ill go tommorrow"...he's so stubborn, but i guess that is my dad (dont know where i get it from). mom and cheryl are worried. i'd really like for my dad to meet Nat. I think that is the most important part. i think about years from now, when my dad probably wont be here, and you want him to, but then i realize that he will always be with me. Not all hokey, guardian angel, but I am like my dad, and though i would love to share in all my moments in life, his love and acceptance will always give me peace that he shares in my happy and sad, because i share in my happy and sad. maybe its less about him actually being there for me, but me allowing him to be there.
i think too much.
i really do.
i am excited about my party on saturday. i hope a lot of people come. i know it will be fun.
i hope mom and dad can make it.
i have court today. not so excited about it, but it has to be done.
i will do it my way...just have to figure out what my way is.
c.ALIce
dad was taken to hospital yesterday and they were going to admit him, but something about not having authorization so they sent him home and called him later telling him to come back to ER, and dad was like "ah, ill go tommorrow"...he's so stubborn, but i guess that is my dad (dont know where i get it from). mom and cheryl are worried. i'd really like for my dad to meet Nat. I think that is the most important part. i think about years from now, when my dad probably wont be here, and you want him to, but then i realize that he will always be with me. Not all hokey, guardian angel, but I am like my dad, and though i would love to share in all my moments in life, his love and acceptance will always give me peace that he shares in my happy and sad, because i share in my happy and sad. maybe its less about him actually being there for me, but me allowing him to be there.
i think too much.
i really do.
i am excited about my party on saturday. i hope a lot of people come. i know it will be fun.
i hope mom and dad can make it.
i have court today. not so excited about it, but it has to be done.
i will do it my way...just have to figure out what my way is.
c.ALIce
Monday, October 24, 2005
Birthday Party November 5th
Here is an invitation to my birthday get together. Its going to be November 5th (thats a saturday night) at the house in Monroe. Call me if you need anything. We will probably playing some fun games and having nice talks. I am excited. It will be a great chance for me to see and visit with everyone while i am home. PLEASE COME!
Thursday, October 20, 2005
100 Things (carol put me up to it)
1.When I was little, I used to hold my breath till I
was blue when i was mad. that went on until one day
my mom let me faint.
2. i used to push my sisters buttons growing up, get
her to the point she wanted to attack and ran and
locked myself in the bathroom (she only caught me
once).
3. i have a degree in photography, and work in graphic
design.
4. i have studied (yet am NOT fluent) 5 languages
(Russian, German, French, Spanish and Arabic).
5. I am fluent in English.
6. I used to watch Buffy, my excuse was that it was
bonding time with my sister, in reality, its a really
good show.
7. i moved in with my boyfriend within 10 days of
meeting him, and we live in Illinois, and i am ok with
that.
8. I lived in Los Angeles for nearly 3 months thats
where i met my boyfriend.
9. I love thunderstorms and sitting on the porch when
it rains.
10. New England Patriots are my favorite team...and i
am not a bandwagonner (if thats a term)
11. I end sentences with prepositions to tick my
"bachelors in english" degree sister off.
12. I have "dated" less than 10 people, yes in my
life! (dated as in went on a date, and even some of
those are questionable)
13. I have only kissed 5, only two of which i dated.
14. I am considered the black sheep in my family,
though i am far from it.
15. I have smoked pot 4 times, all of which i got
sick.
16. I have been drunk 4 times, but i remember what i
did.
17. I have had my tongue peirced 3 times, and peirced
my lip myself.
18. i learned most about sex and masturbation during
my 6th grade summer at northwoods park.
19. I love horses.
20. I consider my great aunt lucille my grandma.
21. I never really knew my real grandparents, by the
time i came around they were either old or dead.
22. I am the third of three girls...and we are the
best family on both sides!! =)
23. my sisters are my best friends.
24. I played volleyball in high school until senior
year, where i opted to be on the swom team (although i
had never swam before).
25. I am usually pretty good at whatever i do.
26. i dont like to read.
27. I have been to Israel.
28. I have been to Jordan.
29. I have been to Russia
30. I long to go to Italy.
31. I am in love with Nat Pflederer
32. I believe deeply in God, and think that many
times we miss out on His fullness.
33. I dont enjoy church, most of the time.
34. I failed my drivers test the first time
(manuveability)
35. Passed it the second time (smaller car)
36. I had gotten 5 speeding tickets, pulled over for
not having front license plate, for having someone
hang out my sunroof. Been in 1 accident with another
car, and another by backing into a parked car (the
latter of which had more damage).
37. i consider myself a good driver.
38. I am really laid back.
39. I dont like to make decisions, cause i dont like
conflict and dont mind doing anything, so it really
doesnt matter to me.
40. my favorite type of music is jazz (this week)
though i listen to anything from hip hop to blues.
41. I am scared to death of failing, so much so i
dont try.
42. Art school was one of the best things to happen
to me.
43. I have never met a celebrity, and honestly dont
care to.
44. I am a scorpio, and thats supposed to mean
something.
45. My favorite movie is BraveHeart
46. I smoke cigerettes (camel turkish silver), which
is probably why i am considered a rebel.
47. I despise family functions (other than immediate
family)
48. The only books I own are "how to" books
49. i love the smell of vanilla.
50. I threw up on Brian Durham (biggest crush) in
high school.
51. Incapable of giving blood ( i have tried several
times).
52. I have driven cross country twice (to LA and
back)
53. I have incredible friendships with people. Their love and devotion is deep and fatithful.
54. I never went to Prom.
55. I was a Homecoming Nominee for "Solid ROC" the only christian club at school, and the only female senior. It was a horrible expereince.
56. The guy nominee with me is now openly gay.
57. I am a picky eater.
58. Favorite thing in the whole world is blue ice cream from kings island.
59. I love random road trips.
60. I played Viola in 5th grade and clarinet in middle school.
61. i have 2 tattoos, and have 5 more in mind
62. I have more of a heart for christians than non christians
63. I want to be a stay at home mom.
64. i am not afraid of death, or much of anything for that matter.
65. I highly avoid conflict.
66. I shut down when people talk down to me or in a condescending voice.
67. yelling is for football games, not conversations.
68. i hate to be in the presence of people that "bicker" whether play or not.
69. I used to write poetry.
70. Painting is the most relaxing art form
71. I dont cry but maybe twice a year
72. i used to have a VERY short temper
73. I cannot and will not follow someone i dont respect.
74. I respect Nat.
75. I have issues with male authority figures in the church.
76. My pastor once told me that I didnt need to get saved, again (apparently he believed more than i did that the prior was sincere)
77. I feel that many christians need a good spanking.
78. my first car was a 85 mercury topaz, when we gave it away, the driver door didnt open, the headlights were duck-taped on, there was no reverse (so you better have parked on a hill facing down).
79. I like living in the country more than the city.
80. I want to have a garden and grow my own veggies.
81. I am a simple minded person, i dont need much to be happy.
82. My favorite band of all time is "the doors"
83. I have a pair of shoes that i have had for nearly 5 years (or longer) that i have only worn 3 times.
84. I am somewhat resentful towards my mother, but have come a long way to get over it. She is human too.
85. My dad never came to any of my sporting events
86. Mom barely did either.
87. Its ok though, I was a bench warmer. Not for my lack of skills, but for my attitude.
88. I still remember the best play i ever did, when and where.
89. Crushes on boys was the only thing that got me up in the morning to go to high school.
90. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
91. I have learned that i really like to cook, and i am good at it
92. I currently dont have a car. I like it.
93. I love developing my our photos in a darkroom
94. I am very critical of myself.
95. I take pride in being a trusted and non-judgmental friend
96. No one knows everything about me, and only one has come close
97. I have a hard time recieving charity
98. I always feel as though I have to work or eventually pay back peoples generosity towards me.
99. I regret kissing anyone other than Nat
100. I think that holding hands is very intimate
101. Favorite parts of my body: eyes, smile, legs and neck...everything else could use some work
102. My favorite flower is a red gerbera daisy
103. I am highly allergic to rabbits, and mildly to cats
104. I want to live in a different country
105. I would like my children to be multi lingual and cultured
106. I am quite the procrastinator
107. I am somewhat anal, i guess you could say passively anal
108. i love crab and chicken divan.
109. I scared my mom will die before i can take full advantage of her wisdom.
110. I think my family is perfect.
111. I love natural cheetos, and my greatest fear is that one day they will stop producing them. =)
112. if i think of more, i will continue, but i cant procrastinate working any longer.
was blue when i was mad. that went on until one day
my mom let me faint.
2. i used to push my sisters buttons growing up, get
her to the point she wanted to attack and ran and
locked myself in the bathroom (she only caught me
once).
3. i have a degree in photography, and work in graphic
design.
4. i have studied (yet am NOT fluent) 5 languages
(Russian, German, French, Spanish and Arabic).
5. I am fluent in English.
6. I used to watch Buffy, my excuse was that it was
bonding time with my sister, in reality, its a really
good show.
7. i moved in with my boyfriend within 10 days of
meeting him, and we live in Illinois, and i am ok with
that.
8. I lived in Los Angeles for nearly 3 months thats
where i met my boyfriend.
9. I love thunderstorms and sitting on the porch when
it rains.
10. New England Patriots are my favorite team...and i
am not a bandwagonner (if thats a term)
11. I end sentences with prepositions to tick my
"bachelors in english" degree sister off.
12. I have "dated" less than 10 people, yes in my
life! (dated as in went on a date, and even some of
those are questionable)
13. I have only kissed 5, only two of which i dated.
14. I am considered the black sheep in my family,
though i am far from it.
15. I have smoked pot 4 times, all of which i got
sick.
16. I have been drunk 4 times, but i remember what i
did.
17. I have had my tongue peirced 3 times, and peirced
my lip myself.
18. i learned most about sex and masturbation during
my 6th grade summer at northwoods park.
19. I love horses.
20. I consider my great aunt lucille my grandma.
21. I never really knew my real grandparents, by the
time i came around they were either old or dead.
22. I am the third of three girls...and we are the
best family on both sides!! =)
23. my sisters are my best friends.
24. I played volleyball in high school until senior
year, where i opted to be on the swom team (although i
had never swam before).
25. I am usually pretty good at whatever i do.
26. i dont like to read.
27. I have been to Israel.
28. I have been to Jordan.
29. I have been to Russia
30. I long to go to Italy.
31. I am in love with Nat Pflederer
32. I believe deeply in God, and think that many
times we miss out on His fullness.
33. I dont enjoy church, most of the time.
34. I failed my drivers test the first time
(manuveability)
35. Passed it the second time (smaller car)
36. I had gotten 5 speeding tickets, pulled over for
not having front license plate, for having someone
hang out my sunroof. Been in 1 accident with another
car, and another by backing into a parked car (the
latter of which had more damage).
37. i consider myself a good driver.
38. I am really laid back.
39. I dont like to make decisions, cause i dont like
conflict and dont mind doing anything, so it really
doesnt matter to me.
40. my favorite type of music is jazz (this week)
though i listen to anything from hip hop to blues.
41. I am scared to death of failing, so much so i
dont try.
42. Art school was one of the best things to happen
to me.
43. I have never met a celebrity, and honestly dont
care to.
44. I am a scorpio, and thats supposed to mean
something.
45. My favorite movie is BraveHeart
46. I smoke cigerettes (camel turkish silver), which
is probably why i am considered a rebel.
47. I despise family functions (other than immediate
family)
48. The only books I own are "how to" books
49. i love the smell of vanilla.
50. I threw up on Brian Durham (biggest crush) in
high school.
51. Incapable of giving blood ( i have tried several
times).
52. I have driven cross country twice (to LA and
back)
53. I have incredible friendships with people. Their love and devotion is deep and fatithful.
54. I never went to Prom.
55. I was a Homecoming Nominee for "Solid ROC" the only christian club at school, and the only female senior. It was a horrible expereince.
56. The guy nominee with me is now openly gay.
57. I am a picky eater.
58. Favorite thing in the whole world is blue ice cream from kings island.
59. I love random road trips.
60. I played Viola in 5th grade and clarinet in middle school.
61. i have 2 tattoos, and have 5 more in mind
62. I have more of a heart for christians than non christians
63. I want to be a stay at home mom.
64. i am not afraid of death, or much of anything for that matter.
65. I highly avoid conflict.
66. I shut down when people talk down to me or in a condescending voice.
67. yelling is for football games, not conversations.
68. i hate to be in the presence of people that "bicker" whether play or not.
69. I used to write poetry.
70. Painting is the most relaxing art form
71. I dont cry but maybe twice a year
72. i used to have a VERY short temper
73. I cannot and will not follow someone i dont respect.
74. I respect Nat.
75. I have issues with male authority figures in the church.
76. My pastor once told me that I didnt need to get saved, again (apparently he believed more than i did that the prior was sincere)
77. I feel that many christians need a good spanking.
78. my first car was a 85 mercury topaz, when we gave it away, the driver door didnt open, the headlights were duck-taped on, there was no reverse (so you better have parked on a hill facing down).
79. I like living in the country more than the city.
80. I want to have a garden and grow my own veggies.
81. I am a simple minded person, i dont need much to be happy.
82. My favorite band of all time is "the doors"
83. I have a pair of shoes that i have had for nearly 5 years (or longer) that i have only worn 3 times.
84. I am somewhat resentful towards my mother, but have come a long way to get over it. She is human too.
85. My dad never came to any of my sporting events
86. Mom barely did either.
87. Its ok though, I was a bench warmer. Not for my lack of skills, but for my attitude.
88. I still remember the best play i ever did, when and where.
89. Crushes on boys was the only thing that got me up in the morning to go to high school.
90. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
91. I have learned that i really like to cook, and i am good at it
92. I currently dont have a car. I like it.
93. I love developing my our photos in a darkroom
94. I am very critical of myself.
95. I take pride in being a trusted and non-judgmental friend
96. No one knows everything about me, and only one has come close
97. I have a hard time recieving charity
98. I always feel as though I have to work or eventually pay back peoples generosity towards me.
99. I regret kissing anyone other than Nat
100. I think that holding hands is very intimate
101. Favorite parts of my body: eyes, smile, legs and neck...everything else could use some work
102. My favorite flower is a red gerbera daisy
103. I am highly allergic to rabbits, and mildly to cats
104. I want to live in a different country
105. I would like my children to be multi lingual and cultured
106. I am quite the procrastinator
107. I am somewhat anal, i guess you could say passively anal
108. i love crab and chicken divan.
109. I scared my mom will die before i can take full advantage of her wisdom.
110. I think my family is perfect.
111. I love natural cheetos, and my greatest fear is that one day they will stop producing them. =)
112. if i think of more, i will continue, but i cant procrastinate working any longer.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
daddy
Carol posted about dad and letting go. The post made me sad, but didnt make me cry. Is there something wrong with me? I am sad, but i think that i had come to terms with it a while ago. I feel like i have gained much from him. I have spent the most time with him, but in a different way. I think more that i feel guilty that i took it for granted for so long, but to spend time with dad is work, literally. I dont think i am resentful because much of what i know and who i am is credited to him. I am sort of at a loss at how i should feel. if i say i am not sad, then i am evil, if i say i am, maybe i am lying. honestly, i dont think i would give his lack of health a second thought until mom and cheryl and carol bring it up. I love my daddy, and of course there are many things i want him to do and experience in my life, but i think in order to not let it get to me, i have to come to terms with that fact that he might not get to experience those things here. I agree with Carol, I want him to be happy, i want him to be able to take a deep breath and build as many fences as his hearts content. That I think is more of a comfort to me than him being miserable. Life will take its course, and death with it.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
finally home
last week was very draining. monday my computer crashed hard, so hard that it wouldnt come back on and i had to take it into the apple store for repair. i will get it back on tuesday, i am so excited. i miss it. i just hope that it will be okay when i get it back. i really need to get some work done! i think i will have to invest in some more memory and i need to get the OS upgrade. cant do that till i get paid though. ugh. never get ahead. i am really tired, and i have alot to do to get back settled in here. nice to be home.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
good day (for me)
i am definately someone that thrives on affirmation. i need to be told, reminded, convinced and i have to have it re-inerated like a thousands times. when i started working with levi, i was already doubtful of my ability...i mean i have never worked in a graphic design anything, my degree is in photography, and i dont even feel adequate in that. i was also coming in under the "Master" joshy (pronounced JOE-SHE). i have to admit he is amazing. and i am determined to surpass him, one day at a time. so yesterday he gave me the complexity of making an icon from a picture of a car..it is WAY more than just tracing. i have about 40 different layers of tiny shapes to get that effect, but i guess thats the best way to go about it (cause they is how Joshy does it). so today he left for school as usual and i was given homework (like always, didnt think this was a vacation did you?). and i made some logos, and they are good...levi even said so. called me the "logo gangster" which is good. i was so proud of myself, i got the affirmation that i so desperately needed to reaffirm that i am talented and able and that i will be successful. i am not scared anymore to take on another task, i am more so eager, to learn more and more, and eventually be one of the best. i am even aweing myself. i sit and look what i did, and say outloud "damn i am good". haha
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
cut out for something
i know that i am cut out for something in life. i know that i meant to do and be wonderful and extra-ordinary. I really like working in graphics, but i am at such a disadvantage in comparison to my master teacher. its a bit overwhelming, and everytime they have me do something else i get a chill up my spine and an instant doubt of ability in my heart. i wonder where that comes from. it doesnt prevent me from doing it because at this point it is my means of survival, but at the same time, am i really where i need to be if i feel this way.
its a great oppurtunity, and this company (if it keeps going the way it is) will grow tremendously over the years. so being that i am literally the third employee (levi:owner, Joshy:master, me: amatuer), i am excited to be apart of it. what will the future hold. i just feel like everything i have ever wanted has fell into my lap in the last couple months. what did i do to deserve it all?? dont get me wrong, i am happy, but at the same timei am scared that it will all just stop one day...what establishment embedded that into our minds? church? school? society? why do we somehow inately feel that if something is going right it is bound and determined to be destroyed (because somehow life isnt "allowed" to be happy and simple. i dunno, but whoever it was should be shot!
well the trip is worth it, i am really learning alot, and more so encouraged and determined to surpass my teacher. i think that is my competitive spirit, cant allow anyone to be better than me. i dunno when i got that mentality, but i have it. i think it is really taking the oppurtunity and working hard to make something i want happen. now that i am in the place where it is right in front of me. i am determined to not throw it away for no reason.
one thing...(for all my girls that know what i am talking about)...WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING???? talk about settling!! for the comfort of all, the one i have now is FAR FAR FAR (times infinity) AND BEYOND more suitable for me. though i am grateful we are still friends, OHMIGOD, a girl can really convince herself of the most insane things. i think i have walked around life talking my heart into things, convincing it of falsity even though it knew, oh it KNEW, but practically forcing your own soul into isolation and desolution to get what you thought it wanted. how much easier life would be, if we could be so intune with our hearts, souls (thus ultimately creator) in order to truly know what to do, becasue i really think "we know" what we REALLY need to do. our soul tells us everyday, it longs for it with each breathe, we just look for other ways to accomplish the same affect but in the long run, after the heartache and hard lesson, we come back to the same place, where we decide, do we do what we KNOW we need to do, or do we try to find one more thing to occupy our hearts and thoughts in order to avoid the commitment to it. you know what i am talking about....what do you do in order to "run" from what you know is what your heart and soul long for? do you move to another city, thinking if you could just get a fresh start...do you worry about everything, work, school, career, where to go to dinner, what movie to watch?.....do you keep yourself so busy with anything and everything (even though sometimes it may seem "religious" and "worthy")?...do you find someone to spend your time with in order to talk and share openly about what you heart really wants? do you go to movies? run around the block? drive in your car? watch tv? ... do you stay away from people that may actually challenge you? do you go hang out with others that could care less either way?...do you just sit? read other books? paint? draw?... do you search adn search for a "Church home" and nice "christian community" in order to feel encouraged?...do you rely on your current circle of friends to guide and direct you (cause they have to have the answers, because they seem to have it together a helluva lot more than you do...and everyone knows that others peoples opinions are etched in stone as far as truth and insight.)...do you talk on the phone? do you invest time and money into service ( and when you do that, are you doing it because you want to feel good about seeing others less fortunate)...why dont we servant evagelise every saturday morning at golf courses? why do we go to homeless parks and corners of "less fortunate" people?? just a thought? why, even in our ministries, do we show bias...do people with money have less of need? Bible says the serve poor, feed hungry, go visit captives, take care of elderly....yet because its easier for a camel to go through eye of a needle...ya'll know the verse...i just wonder. you have a dream, your heart longs for SO much more, and something is holding you back, and that is probably you. You have a purpose, your heart is specifically designed for it...thats why each person has such unique and dynamic talents and abilities, did you think that is a fluke? what makes your heart jump? what brings about passion in your conversation? what is constantly on your mind? what thoughts of splendor do you contemplate on? why do you wait? why do you sit and wait for the best timing? i think that if you have the desire and the means, do it....waiting is just another excuse. if you never take the step of risk, and trust that even if your timing is off (do you think he will let you down?? especially if you are drawing towards him?)
there ya go, your encouragement for the day. something to ignite that fire in your souls...cause even though you may have poured water, sand, baking soda and tried everything to smother it out, its like Elijah's Fire from Heaven, it is still ignitible...just got to take the risk.
love ya
c.ALIce
yeah yeah, take your own advice.
its a great oppurtunity, and this company (if it keeps going the way it is) will grow tremendously over the years. so being that i am literally the third employee (levi:owner, Joshy:master, me: amatuer), i am excited to be apart of it. what will the future hold. i just feel like everything i have ever wanted has fell into my lap in the last couple months. what did i do to deserve it all?? dont get me wrong, i am happy, but at the same timei am scared that it will all just stop one day...what establishment embedded that into our minds? church? school? society? why do we somehow inately feel that if something is going right it is bound and determined to be destroyed (because somehow life isnt "allowed" to be happy and simple. i dunno, but whoever it was should be shot!
well the trip is worth it, i am really learning alot, and more so encouraged and determined to surpass my teacher. i think that is my competitive spirit, cant allow anyone to be better than me. i dunno when i got that mentality, but i have it. i think it is really taking the oppurtunity and working hard to make something i want happen. now that i am in the place where it is right in front of me. i am determined to not throw it away for no reason.
one thing...(for all my girls that know what i am talking about)...WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING???? talk about settling!! for the comfort of all, the one i have now is FAR FAR FAR (times infinity) AND BEYOND more suitable for me. though i am grateful we are still friends, OHMIGOD, a girl can really convince herself of the most insane things. i think i have walked around life talking my heart into things, convincing it of falsity even though it knew, oh it KNEW, but practically forcing your own soul into isolation and desolution to get what you thought it wanted. how much easier life would be, if we could be so intune with our hearts, souls (thus ultimately creator) in order to truly know what to do, becasue i really think "we know" what we REALLY need to do. our soul tells us everyday, it longs for it with each breathe, we just look for other ways to accomplish the same affect but in the long run, after the heartache and hard lesson, we come back to the same place, where we decide, do we do what we KNOW we need to do, or do we try to find one more thing to occupy our hearts and thoughts in order to avoid the commitment to it. you know what i am talking about....what do you do in order to "run" from what you know is what your heart and soul long for? do you move to another city, thinking if you could just get a fresh start...do you worry about everything, work, school, career, where to go to dinner, what movie to watch?.....do you keep yourself so busy with anything and everything (even though sometimes it may seem "religious" and "worthy")?...do you find someone to spend your time with in order to talk and share openly about what you heart really wants? do you go to movies? run around the block? drive in your car? watch tv? ... do you stay away from people that may actually challenge you? do you go hang out with others that could care less either way?...do you just sit? read other books? paint? draw?... do you search adn search for a "Church home" and nice "christian community" in order to feel encouraged?...do you rely on your current circle of friends to guide and direct you (cause they have to have the answers, because they seem to have it together a helluva lot more than you do...and everyone knows that others peoples opinions are etched in stone as far as truth and insight.)...do you talk on the phone? do you invest time and money into service ( and when you do that, are you doing it because you want to feel good about seeing others less fortunate)...why dont we servant evagelise every saturday morning at golf courses? why do we go to homeless parks and corners of "less fortunate" people?? just a thought? why, even in our ministries, do we show bias...do people with money have less of need? Bible says the serve poor, feed hungry, go visit captives, take care of elderly....yet because its easier for a camel to go through eye of a needle...ya'll know the verse...i just wonder. you have a dream, your heart longs for SO much more, and something is holding you back, and that is probably you. You have a purpose, your heart is specifically designed for it...thats why each person has such unique and dynamic talents and abilities, did you think that is a fluke? what makes your heart jump? what brings about passion in your conversation? what is constantly on your mind? what thoughts of splendor do you contemplate on? why do you wait? why do you sit and wait for the best timing? i think that if you have the desire and the means, do it....waiting is just another excuse. if you never take the step of risk, and trust that even if your timing is off (do you think he will let you down?? especially if you are drawing towards him?)
there ya go, your encouragement for the day. something to ignite that fire in your souls...cause even though you may have poured water, sand, baking soda and tried everything to smother it out, its like Elijah's Fire from Heaven, it is still ignitible...just got to take the risk.
love ya
c.ALIce
yeah yeah, take your own advice.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Monday, October 03, 2005
flOOOOOHHHHrrridddaaaa....(zzzzZzZZZ)
i am exhausted. nothing like spending all day in an airport to make someone veering to get to work. i am tired. did i mention that? i have been tired alot lately actually, cant figure out what my problem is. i miss Nat. Two more weeks, thats all...then i can get a hug, and a kiss. Its amazing how much you can miss about someone. I am sure the vacation is doing him well, but I am anxious to get "home." so i started this little project, but I cant talk about it. i know, im evil, but i dont want to ruin the surprize!! I have been in Cincinnati all week pretty much, but unable to go anywhere because of my lack of transportation. It makes me feel helpless, but at the same time i really like it. i like not having the burden of a car payment or an insurance payment, there is a certain freedom in that. It doesnt make me want to work less, or unproductively, but it just allows my money to go elsewhere. The story is long and drawn out how i got here, why i made certain decisions and so on and so forth, but its my business.
i really feel like i am in a great place in my life. like i have been given a new start, with a companion to deal with me. i feel bad though. i feel in the process of pursuing this new avenue of life that i am slowly letting go of who i used to be. i have changed so much over the last 6 months, and learned much about myself and what i want (and that not being based on others opinions). i almost feel at a loss at trying to reconnect to people. i dont feel like i have anything to say, my life has changed. it has become what i didnt like about other friends, all the talk about one person, and in an effort not to be that person, i just dont say anything at all. honestly, i love talking about my new found passion, but dont want to wear the subject out so much that people get sick of it. its weird when life changes. people have a certain hostility to the change. though they are happy for the experiences and the new adventure, they are somewhat selfish...almost making one feel guilty for moving on. its not bad. i truly treasure all my friendships with people, but i am not sure where they will end up. i will have to make new friends in illinois, and that will change the dynamics of the friendships i currently have. i guess i dont write on here much anymore because i feel like i dont have much to say. I share most everything (if not everything) with Nat, which means i really dont have to talk to anyone else.
i really think this job was made for me. i still have much to learn, but i am confident that i will eventually catch on, and hopefully in not too far in the future that they cast me aside as a lost cause. i think i can be very successful in this business, but i have to put 150% into it, and that takes discipline and hard work, but it makes it alot easier when it is already something i am passionate about. it incorporates all these things i am good at...and yet it is still challenging and open ended. i really want to take this oppurtunity and go with it, and not slack and miss it.
see how it just seems like life is working out. I am seriously in awe of how much i can love one person, and how much i feel secure in a relationship with a guy. i am in awe of the timing, of both the man and the job. what could i possibily had done to make this happen, it was totally out of my control. I am just glad that I am working out the pressure to do what people think you should do. what do i really want? I dont want to miss out on things because i dont want to put anyone out (including my future husband). i have become so passive, its not bad, i like it, but i also dont want to miss out on anything because i want to make everyone happy...see how that "people pleasing" just creeps right in.
so what do i do? how do you figure out what you really want and how you really want to do something when you always have people giving their two cents. last time i checked, i was living my life. its so aggrevating, its a constant battle for me.
yaknow, i really feel like i am in a place where i want to get back on track with God, and its not for the usual reasons of "getting right because i was in the wrong" but I want to because I want to live a full life. I want to experience everything within the context of HIS love, because it is always better that way. Its for me. Not for anyone else. I went to church on sunday, and i had been dying to go for a while, and i was sitting there remembering why i barely went when i was in cincinnati, because it felt so lonely. I dunno, I want my relationship with GOD to be a different level, beyond just going to some random church because I feel like i need to, though i understand the importance of its community. I want to go so much deeper, and most churches dont offer that kind of experience, its something you truly have to seek out on your own. one thing i loved about the vineyard was the classes (like prayer training) which gave you a safe place to explore the depths of God beyond sunday morning. thats the kind of life i want, to dig deep into the heart of God, and in doing that, give others a safe haven to go deeper. I want to see others see God as a person rather than a deity. To allow HIM to penetrate their lives and hearts, which in turn transforms a life of a pharisee to a life of a disciple. To make it real and genuine and not just another thing to do on their "to-do" list.
one day at a time. thats all you can really do. cant have too many expectations. but to make the most with what is given and right in front of you.
love you all
c.ALIce
i really feel like i am in a great place in my life. like i have been given a new start, with a companion to deal with me. i feel bad though. i feel in the process of pursuing this new avenue of life that i am slowly letting go of who i used to be. i have changed so much over the last 6 months, and learned much about myself and what i want (and that not being based on others opinions). i almost feel at a loss at trying to reconnect to people. i dont feel like i have anything to say, my life has changed. it has become what i didnt like about other friends, all the talk about one person, and in an effort not to be that person, i just dont say anything at all. honestly, i love talking about my new found passion, but dont want to wear the subject out so much that people get sick of it. its weird when life changes. people have a certain hostility to the change. though they are happy for the experiences and the new adventure, they are somewhat selfish...almost making one feel guilty for moving on. its not bad. i truly treasure all my friendships with people, but i am not sure where they will end up. i will have to make new friends in illinois, and that will change the dynamics of the friendships i currently have. i guess i dont write on here much anymore because i feel like i dont have much to say. I share most everything (if not everything) with Nat, which means i really dont have to talk to anyone else.
i really think this job was made for me. i still have much to learn, but i am confident that i will eventually catch on, and hopefully in not too far in the future that they cast me aside as a lost cause. i think i can be very successful in this business, but i have to put 150% into it, and that takes discipline and hard work, but it makes it alot easier when it is already something i am passionate about. it incorporates all these things i am good at...and yet it is still challenging and open ended. i really want to take this oppurtunity and go with it, and not slack and miss it.
see how it just seems like life is working out. I am seriously in awe of how much i can love one person, and how much i feel secure in a relationship with a guy. i am in awe of the timing, of both the man and the job. what could i possibily had done to make this happen, it was totally out of my control. I am just glad that I am working out the pressure to do what people think you should do. what do i really want? I dont want to miss out on things because i dont want to put anyone out (including my future husband). i have become so passive, its not bad, i like it, but i also dont want to miss out on anything because i want to make everyone happy...see how that "people pleasing" just creeps right in.
so what do i do? how do you figure out what you really want and how you really want to do something when you always have people giving their two cents. last time i checked, i was living my life. its so aggrevating, its a constant battle for me.
yaknow, i really feel like i am in a place where i want to get back on track with God, and its not for the usual reasons of "getting right because i was in the wrong" but I want to because I want to live a full life. I want to experience everything within the context of HIS love, because it is always better that way. Its for me. Not for anyone else. I went to church on sunday, and i had been dying to go for a while, and i was sitting there remembering why i barely went when i was in cincinnati, because it felt so lonely. I dunno, I want my relationship with GOD to be a different level, beyond just going to some random church because I feel like i need to, though i understand the importance of its community. I want to go so much deeper, and most churches dont offer that kind of experience, its something you truly have to seek out on your own. one thing i loved about the vineyard was the classes (like prayer training) which gave you a safe place to explore the depths of God beyond sunday morning. thats the kind of life i want, to dig deep into the heart of God, and in doing that, give others a safe haven to go deeper. I want to see others see God as a person rather than a deity. To allow HIM to penetrate their lives and hearts, which in turn transforms a life of a pharisee to a life of a disciple. To make it real and genuine and not just another thing to do on their "to-do" list.
one day at a time. thats all you can really do. cant have too many expectations. but to make the most with what is given and right in front of you.
love you all
c.ALIce
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
i am fine, promise
carol was sorta getting on me because i havent written in a while but no one really has, doesnt mean that life doesnt go on, just means that life either got too complicated or too busy. mine is the latter. about two weeks ago i started working with levi, which is briefly explained in my other entries. basically i am designing anything from logos to websites (for now). i have done several brochures and various other projects. i feel a little overwhelmed right now with the conclusion that college sucks and i spent too much money for nothing. but i have learned so much in the process. i am a bit frustrated because i feel like such an amateur, but i will survive, because it is something that i really want to pursue, and it is worth it to get where i want to be. its just alot of teaching yourself, refershing yours memory and getting creative again. i really like working from home, its much harder that way, one must be more determined, but i love it. levi is great, i like much better to be his friend, a lot less drama and heart ache, and since i met Nat, i really look back and think "what the hell was i thinking" levi is still a great friend, but i am glad i am over that. and i know all of you agree.
i have been working at jonahs, hating it. i am not sure i will go back after my trip. oh yeah, the trip. i am currently in ohio, staying at home (well, sisters) for a week then flying down to florida to stay with levi for training, then i will go back to illinois. its the longest i have been away from Nat, i think we will survive. That is still going great. I cant believe i have stayed with one person for this long and not fought or gotten on each others nerves (i can push some buttons, but i dont think i have gotten too out of control). i did have one of those nights where i cried because i felt so utterly overwhelmed all at once, and thinking about what i was really doing. i let it out, and i appreciate him more. i am in awe that i get to spend the rest of my life with him. its such a healthy relationship (not because we dont fight, but because we can talk about it). i hope that everyone gets to expereince this kind of relationship, and that it will last.
well i am broke. LA was not the most fiscal acheivement of my life, but you deal and move on. i will be ok, will take some time to get back on my feet still because i have like 100 to my name, and i owe it to someone. i wish there was money coming in, but i doubt i will get the apartment deposit back (although i didnt sign anything so i should be reimbursed when a new roomie moves in), and other than that, theres nothing. plus all the debt i accrued while there, i am looking into my options. it is very humbling and it makes me feel so helpless. i have always been in the money, not so much that i was wealthy, but comfortable in my means. i hate not being able to be generous because i dont have anything to give. i am blessed with amazing people in my life that are generous, though sometimes hard to accept their gifts, i am learning more and more about "recieving" (remember my issues).
lately i feel an insurge of a desire to seek after GOD creep in. its been a while since i have had the inkling. I just want to take time and spend with HIM and get reaquainted. i understand a little better how relationships are maintained, and in that i see how i have failed HIM, but not really failed, just lacked devotion. there are so many things i have to be thankful for, and i dont want to cheat myself from a fuller life.
well there is not much else right now. love nat, hate jonahs, in ohio, going to florida, working with levi, happy, content, lovestruck....
abby: glad you love your new house, cant wait to come visit. i bet "butch" is huge.
amber: want to come up, or you come down (but frankly cant afford the gas and not sure when it is feesible)
steph: anytime is good, and call me
kati: you need to 1. update your blog 2. call me
sa: good to see you
carol: train your dog
cheryl: get carol to train her dog =)
jen e: hello??!??! how are the wedding plans?
nessa: do you even read this?
sarah c: reading, will comment later. how is life? stormy?
Nat: you really are incredible, miss you, love you (kisses)
thats all for now...ill try to update it better.
c.ALIce
i have been working at jonahs, hating it. i am not sure i will go back after my trip. oh yeah, the trip. i am currently in ohio, staying at home (well, sisters) for a week then flying down to florida to stay with levi for training, then i will go back to illinois. its the longest i have been away from Nat, i think we will survive. That is still going great. I cant believe i have stayed with one person for this long and not fought or gotten on each others nerves (i can push some buttons, but i dont think i have gotten too out of control). i did have one of those nights where i cried because i felt so utterly overwhelmed all at once, and thinking about what i was really doing. i let it out, and i appreciate him more. i am in awe that i get to spend the rest of my life with him. its such a healthy relationship (not because we dont fight, but because we can talk about it). i hope that everyone gets to expereince this kind of relationship, and that it will last.
well i am broke. LA was not the most fiscal acheivement of my life, but you deal and move on. i will be ok, will take some time to get back on my feet still because i have like 100 to my name, and i owe it to someone. i wish there was money coming in, but i doubt i will get the apartment deposit back (although i didnt sign anything so i should be reimbursed when a new roomie moves in), and other than that, theres nothing. plus all the debt i accrued while there, i am looking into my options. it is very humbling and it makes me feel so helpless. i have always been in the money, not so much that i was wealthy, but comfortable in my means. i hate not being able to be generous because i dont have anything to give. i am blessed with amazing people in my life that are generous, though sometimes hard to accept their gifts, i am learning more and more about "recieving" (remember my issues).
lately i feel an insurge of a desire to seek after GOD creep in. its been a while since i have had the inkling. I just want to take time and spend with HIM and get reaquainted. i understand a little better how relationships are maintained, and in that i see how i have failed HIM, but not really failed, just lacked devotion. there are so many things i have to be thankful for, and i dont want to cheat myself from a fuller life.
well there is not much else right now. love nat, hate jonahs, in ohio, going to florida, working with levi, happy, content, lovestruck....
abby: glad you love your new house, cant wait to come visit. i bet "butch" is huge.
amber: want to come up, or you come down (but frankly cant afford the gas and not sure when it is feesible)
steph: anytime is good, and call me
kati: you need to 1. update your blog 2. call me
sa: good to see you
carol: train your dog
cheryl: get carol to train her dog =)
jen e: hello??!??! how are the wedding plans?
nessa: do you even read this?
sarah c: reading, will comment later. how is life? stormy?
Nat: you really are incredible, miss you, love you (kisses)
thats all for now...ill try to update it better.
c.ALIce
Sunday, September 18, 2005
2:53
it is nearly 3am and i cant sleep. i am being bombarded with lots of emotions and can seem to settle myself down. why does life have to be so hard? its like my insides are always torn, like i cant get settled or figure anything out, or be safe for too long without something going wrong. life is too good right now, other than my girlie emotions creeping in, and i almost feel like at any moment its all just going to fall apart. Nat is wonderful. i dont know if God could've given me anyone more perfect. Its a process though. i dont really like jonahs, more because i feel like the work for the money is a waste of time, but i admit i was spoiled by encore (you mean you dont walk out with over 100 every night without sidework?!?!?). the people are getting better, just have to avoid certain ones, and its fine. i really like working for levi even though i am overwhelmed with everything i dont know. joshy (my boss) has been great. i know i can do well, just getting past the learning curve. I have an interview on friday with portrait innovations, i think i talked about it before. i am excited. i think it will be better than jonahs by still bettering myself as far as photography goes. i seriously think i am pmsing, there is really no other reason for all my self inflicted drama. i over-analyze too much. its hard to just let go though, hard to just say, ok,no matter what happens, or what anyone says, i am going to be happy, and making steps towards that. i have been so tired this week. i think with the learning curve i worked 40+ hours with levi, plus jonahs on top of that, changing sleeping schedule, dinners and hanging out. it sucks because now is the perfect time for me to sleep and not have to worry about getting up, and here i am 3am, typing quietly as not to disturb nat, though i seriously doubt he can even hear. there is nothing wrong with me, i am not depressed, angry or frustrated...i cant even put it into words, i just feel burdensome. i long so much for peace, i have a peace from GOd that everything will be ok, i have a peace about where i am and who i am with, i have a peace about job situations, but still, i long for everything to come without a struggle...pipe dreams. i dont remember life being so complicated. i just have to stop thinking......ugh!!!
night
night
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
44 DAYS
I have known my future husband for 44 days. and i have 44, 000 reasons why i would choose him again every day!!! (that was for you babe....kisses)
one day at a time
it was good to hang out this weekend. its so hard to come home sometimes because there is just not enough time to spend quality time with all the people i want to, but i enjoyed the party at cindy's place and the cookout at kate and jimi's....i definately needed it.
i got to hang out with my sisters and emma and steph. they havent seen me since before i left for california so we had a lot of catching up to do. it was a hard weekend emotionally because many hurts and scars from the past surfaced and i became scared that Nat was going to reject me. of course he has not given anything less than affirmation, but being away and not having the constant affirmation was somewhat of a struggle.
i hate my job, they are so mean. last night i was done with all my sidework and silver and stood there for 45 minutes waiting for todd (my least favorite, actually putting the word favorite at all is an overstatement), to cash me out. then on my way home, the exit i usually take was closed so i had to go the long way. its more frustrating because i really wanted to get home and see nat before he went to bed, but that was not going to happen.
i am starting to get some work with levi. i even have an email address (cbond@virtuallnk.com...multimedia developer) i am apprehensive but excited. it is a great time to learn but still i am somewhat on my own. he hasnt given me anything yet, but i should have projects by the beginning of next week. its more like a trial period i think, but he is still paying me (per project for now, then hourly eventually). i talked to a lawyer about filing bankrupcy. it will reduce my monthly payments by nearly 1200. that will be great. somehow have to come up with some lawyer fees, but i have a couple weeks to get my stuff together. i feel like such a great burden has been lifted from me, and i feel like i can do more in life without having to deal with it anymore. it sucks, but i really dont have any other options at this point.
nessa is in illinois this week and next, it sucks to work on the weekends!!! i am going to their moms house in sunday for dinner and then hopefully next week nessa and i will go to hang out together. i am glad she is here, its great to have oppurtunities to hang out with good friends.
i want a job where i dont have to work on the weekends unless i choose to. i go back and forth about what kind of work i want to do. at this point i just want to have a job where i dont have to work at Jonahs anymore. i think i am just over serving, despite the fact i am making decent money and it is on a day to day basis, but i am just done with certain people. i dont like feeling like someone will bitch at me at any time. one day i will lash back at him and he will not even know what hit him. cause i am like that...let issues boil up inside until i just get to a certain point then i just blow. i should really work on that.
i dread everyday that i have to go in there. the people i work with are so stuck up and the money is alright, but not worth the headache. i will stick with it until i know that i have a job that i can survive on, but as soon as that comes along, i am GONE. i think i am still going to work on the photo business, just because it is extra money on the weekends and stuff.
i have had so much time on my hands and there is still a long list of things i want to accomplish. it has more to do with the fact that i dont have the money to get it started. i would have to pay for photos and websites and advertising, so that is the main reason. but iw ill do it eventually, dont doubt me just yet.
You can only take life one day at a time. i cant expect to have it all figured out now...whether love, job, or future. I have to take each day and make the most of it. today i ran a bunch of errands and got alot accomplished. it was good. nat and i went on a walk, its always nice to take a walk with him. we talked about stuff. i really like him alot. he makes me happy!! you can only live day to day because there are no promises of anything else. so each day you have to decide what you want to do and who you want to be, and live that out. you just got to stop and BREATHE sometimes and let life give you the low blows to realize what you true desires are. i am so thankful for where i am right now. i am thankful that i have someone that is being SO patient with me, i dont think i do enough to show him how much i care.
just in case you hadnt noticed, i blocked anonymous from my blog, mainly because of ads and also because people that dont sign their name are rude. so they can suck it, cause if one thinks that they are "strong" enough to criticize, they also should have the confidence to sign their name....it really does bother me!! i got 4 anonymous posts within 2 minutes of posting...STOP THE SPAM!!
i am excited because its the beginning of FOOTBALL season, which means it is PATRIOT TIME!!! i know i am retarded but i think it is fun. luckily my team and nats team are in different leagues. He is a Packer fan (i really dont know if i can handle that...i mean he has to be MAD!! hahah) i like the Patriots because they play good football and they are a team that focuses more on playing a good game and being apart of a great franchise instead of making all the money. i am confident they will do well this year because there are so many great players although they lost their defensive and offense coaches and also bruschi will be out all year (had a stroke last year after the superbowl).
anyway, i am done...i am sure there is more i can talk about considering i havent for such a long time, but i think that will strain your eyes for now.
love you all!!
c.ALIce
i got to hang out with my sisters and emma and steph. they havent seen me since before i left for california so we had a lot of catching up to do. it was a hard weekend emotionally because many hurts and scars from the past surfaced and i became scared that Nat was going to reject me. of course he has not given anything less than affirmation, but being away and not having the constant affirmation was somewhat of a struggle.
i hate my job, they are so mean. last night i was done with all my sidework and silver and stood there for 45 minutes waiting for todd (my least favorite, actually putting the word favorite at all is an overstatement), to cash me out. then on my way home, the exit i usually take was closed so i had to go the long way. its more frustrating because i really wanted to get home and see nat before he went to bed, but that was not going to happen.
i am starting to get some work with levi. i even have an email address (cbond@virtuallnk.com...multimedia developer) i am apprehensive but excited. it is a great time to learn but still i am somewhat on my own. he hasnt given me anything yet, but i should have projects by the beginning of next week. its more like a trial period i think, but he is still paying me (per project for now, then hourly eventually). i talked to a lawyer about filing bankrupcy. it will reduce my monthly payments by nearly 1200. that will be great. somehow have to come up with some lawyer fees, but i have a couple weeks to get my stuff together. i feel like such a great burden has been lifted from me, and i feel like i can do more in life without having to deal with it anymore. it sucks, but i really dont have any other options at this point.
nessa is in illinois this week and next, it sucks to work on the weekends!!! i am going to their moms house in sunday for dinner and then hopefully next week nessa and i will go to hang out together. i am glad she is here, its great to have oppurtunities to hang out with good friends.
i want a job where i dont have to work on the weekends unless i choose to. i go back and forth about what kind of work i want to do. at this point i just want to have a job where i dont have to work at Jonahs anymore. i think i am just over serving, despite the fact i am making decent money and it is on a day to day basis, but i am just done with certain people. i dont like feeling like someone will bitch at me at any time. one day i will lash back at him and he will not even know what hit him. cause i am like that...let issues boil up inside until i just get to a certain point then i just blow. i should really work on that.
i dread everyday that i have to go in there. the people i work with are so stuck up and the money is alright, but not worth the headache. i will stick with it until i know that i have a job that i can survive on, but as soon as that comes along, i am GONE. i think i am still going to work on the photo business, just because it is extra money on the weekends and stuff.
i have had so much time on my hands and there is still a long list of things i want to accomplish. it has more to do with the fact that i dont have the money to get it started. i would have to pay for photos and websites and advertising, so that is the main reason. but iw ill do it eventually, dont doubt me just yet.
You can only take life one day at a time. i cant expect to have it all figured out now...whether love, job, or future. I have to take each day and make the most of it. today i ran a bunch of errands and got alot accomplished. it was good. nat and i went on a walk, its always nice to take a walk with him. we talked about stuff. i really like him alot. he makes me happy!! you can only live day to day because there are no promises of anything else. so each day you have to decide what you want to do and who you want to be, and live that out. you just got to stop and BREATHE sometimes and let life give you the low blows to realize what you true desires are. i am so thankful for where i am right now. i am thankful that i have someone that is being SO patient with me, i dont think i do enough to show him how much i care.
just in case you hadnt noticed, i blocked anonymous from my blog, mainly because of ads and also because people that dont sign their name are rude. so they can suck it, cause if one thinks that they are "strong" enough to criticize, they also should have the confidence to sign their name....it really does bother me!! i got 4 anonymous posts within 2 minutes of posting...STOP THE SPAM!!
i am excited because its the beginning of FOOTBALL season, which means it is PATRIOT TIME!!! i know i am retarded but i think it is fun. luckily my team and nats team are in different leagues. He is a Packer fan (i really dont know if i can handle that...i mean he has to be MAD!! hahah) i like the Patriots because they play good football and they are a team that focuses more on playing a good game and being apart of a great franchise instead of making all the money. i am confident they will do well this year because there are so many great players although they lost their defensive and offense coaches and also bruschi will be out all year (had a stroke last year after the superbowl).
anyway, i am done...i am sure there is more i can talk about considering i havent for such a long time, but i think that will strain your eyes for now.
love you all!!
c.ALIce
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)