Sunday, May 06, 2007
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Monday, April 09, 2007
decisions..changing
I am not sure whats wrong with me....why am i so discontent here in
Illinois. I havent really attempted going out and making friends
cause Nat and I go back and forth every 2-3 months whether we are
moving or staying. I guess I dont see myself raising kids in
Illinois. It is just too far from my sisters and family. I want my
kids to be raise with their aunts and cousins and friends' kids. Now
all my friends are starting to have kids in Ohio. Of course I am a
couple years off (ideally) but still, i like the idea of all my
friends getting together to take our kids to kings island or the
zoo. I like the idea of raising my children in the tight-knit
community I grew up in. Thats my only real issue. I dont want to
be here. What is so horrible about Ilinois? nothing really--just
lonesome. All Nats friends are already married and their kids are
like 12, just feels like a different place in life. The other
friends are ok, but still in the awkward stage and I just dont see
what we have in common...maybe i am just not trying hard enough.
You know when you meet someone and you know they will be your friend
for a long time? There is that instantious friendship and weird
cosmis bond that makes a deep friendship. I guess I just keep
comparing everyone to my friends back home...I want an instant friend
with comfort and history. So what do you do? Do you stay and force
yourself to go find a community of people that will doubtfully
compare to the ones you have, or do you move to be with those people,
or at least ALOT closer?
Its like my heart is torn, knowing that I finally found a job (for
now) and seems to be perfectly tailored for me-- and also starting
over again somewhere else. I am scared to go back to Cincinnati
because I dont want to fall right back into how I was when I was
there. Cause when i lived there before I left for Cincinnati, I was
miserable because even though I had friends, I never saw them. For
some reason I just think it will be different. There just seems to
be more open doors in Cincinnati; photography company with Cheryl,
hanging out with Amber more (cause since college I think i have seen
her 4-5 times but talk to her on the phone AT least once a week),
being closer to family and friends, being able to rely on someone
other than my husband and his friends and family for a social life, a
church i love, experiencing another era of life with those closest to
me...and sharing my new life with them...growing older with each
other, having kids together, maybe go back to school to get MRI
degree or something else. Then there is the other option...stay in
Illinois, love my husband, hope for big raises and start having
kids...hang out with g-ma yoder and g-pa pflederer and all Nats
family. Try to make friends with people around here, find a church
that we both enjoy...basically we would stay in tremont, go to a
church similiar to new bethel and lots of people that grew up
together and trying to somehow fit into that crowd...hell we've been
here for nearly 2 years and still havent made any progress-=its like
trying to fit into our nbbc crowd, you could, but you would still
always be an outsider. Maybe I am a pessemist. Maybe I am just not
trying hard enough...i know I am not. But where do I begin? Like I
was telling Nat, if we could just finally decide to stay or
go....maybe I could settle down...but in the same sentence, I hope
its not stay here. Maybe its just hormones, but I just want to cry
all day. Its not like my life sucks that bad. I am pretty damn
blessed actually. I am surrounded by people that love me--i have a
good job---what else really do I want?
So how do you decide what to do? You have one aspect that staying
here will be good for Nats career (ideally), that own kids will be
surrounded by people that love them and lavish on them (namely
grandparents) and there are good churches and communities to get
involved in if we, or rather i, would actually do it. and Nat likes
it here. Then there is the aspect that he would do anything for me
if I asked, and I guess I fear to take advantage of that and making
him give anything up. cause basically am i not taking him from all
he knows and planting into MY city. So is it better to find a happy
medium somewhere? Not moving to Cincinnati, but close enough that I
can go whenever I want..but then whats the point...i would still be
in a place where i didnt know anyone and pretty much in the same
situation, just not peoria. Now, would I be happier in Peoria rather
than Tremont. To be closer to the city rather than 30-40 minutes
away. Maybe if we were closer that would make it better? i dont
think so....but who knows. What do we do? We are going back and
forth about it all the time...not arguing, but discussing all the
pros and cons...he has pros for being here and I have pros for
leaving! I just think his career is important and its important that
he loves what he does, but that he also makes enough to support a
family. I definately dont want to be struggling financially for much
longer, and ESPECIALLY when we start having kids. We would be pretty
comfortable right now if it wasnt for all the debt...so thats
promising...but moving away would be me quitting my job and us
selling the house, then I would have to find another job and
hopefully enjoy it like this one (it is fine now, but i wonder how
long i will be able to stand it--guess it depends on how much changes
with the new company). Granted selling the house would get us outta
more debt...its still taking a pay cut and ultimately spending more
to live (cause the house payment now is pretty low and i am not sure
we could get that anywhere else.) see how it can go back and forth
endlessly!
stay, go, stay, go, stay, go, stay. go......i wish we could just
decide!! Do we just think too much? I guess I just want some
unbiased input. Maybe list our priorities and figure out how what we
have fits or doesnt, or if we have to be here to accomplish all those
goals----we just need to decide what we want and what is most
important, i guess....
anyway, I am sure that was overly scatterbrained and made no
sense....all well.
c.ALIce
Illinois. I havent really attempted going out and making friends
cause Nat and I go back and forth every 2-3 months whether we are
moving or staying. I guess I dont see myself raising kids in
Illinois. It is just too far from my sisters and family. I want my
kids to be raise with their aunts and cousins and friends' kids. Now
all my friends are starting to have kids in Ohio. Of course I am a
couple years off (ideally) but still, i like the idea of all my
friends getting together to take our kids to kings island or the
zoo. I like the idea of raising my children in the tight-knit
community I grew up in. Thats my only real issue. I dont want to
be here. What is so horrible about Ilinois? nothing really--just
lonesome. All Nats friends are already married and their kids are
like 12, just feels like a different place in life. The other
friends are ok, but still in the awkward stage and I just dont see
what we have in common...maybe i am just not trying hard enough.
You know when you meet someone and you know they will be your friend
for a long time? There is that instantious friendship and weird
cosmis bond that makes a deep friendship. I guess I just keep
comparing everyone to my friends back home...I want an instant friend
with comfort and history. So what do you do? Do you stay and force
yourself to go find a community of people that will doubtfully
compare to the ones you have, or do you move to be with those people,
or at least ALOT closer?
Its like my heart is torn, knowing that I finally found a job (for
now) and seems to be perfectly tailored for me-- and also starting
over again somewhere else. I am scared to go back to Cincinnati
because I dont want to fall right back into how I was when I was
there. Cause when i lived there before I left for Cincinnati, I was
miserable because even though I had friends, I never saw them. For
some reason I just think it will be different. There just seems to
be more open doors in Cincinnati; photography company with Cheryl,
hanging out with Amber more (cause since college I think i have seen
her 4-5 times but talk to her on the phone AT least once a week),
being closer to family and friends, being able to rely on someone
other than my husband and his friends and family for a social life, a
church i love, experiencing another era of life with those closest to
me...and sharing my new life with them...growing older with each
other, having kids together, maybe go back to school to get MRI
degree or something else. Then there is the other option...stay in
Illinois, love my husband, hope for big raises and start having
kids...hang out with g-ma yoder and g-pa pflederer and all Nats
family. Try to make friends with people around here, find a church
that we both enjoy...basically we would stay in tremont, go to a
church similiar to new bethel and lots of people that grew up
together and trying to somehow fit into that crowd...hell we've been
here for nearly 2 years and still havent made any progress-=its like
trying to fit into our nbbc crowd, you could, but you would still
always be an outsider. Maybe I am a pessemist. Maybe I am just not
trying hard enough...i know I am not. But where do I begin? Like I
was telling Nat, if we could just finally decide to stay or
go....maybe I could settle down...but in the same sentence, I hope
its not stay here. Maybe its just hormones, but I just want to cry
all day. Its not like my life sucks that bad. I am pretty damn
blessed actually. I am surrounded by people that love me--i have a
good job---what else really do I want?
So how do you decide what to do? You have one aspect that staying
here will be good for Nats career (ideally), that own kids will be
surrounded by people that love them and lavish on them (namely
grandparents) and there are good churches and communities to get
involved in if we, or rather i, would actually do it. and Nat likes
it here. Then there is the aspect that he would do anything for me
if I asked, and I guess I fear to take advantage of that and making
him give anything up. cause basically am i not taking him from all
he knows and planting into MY city. So is it better to find a happy
medium somewhere? Not moving to Cincinnati, but close enough that I
can go whenever I want..but then whats the point...i would still be
in a place where i didnt know anyone and pretty much in the same
situation, just not peoria. Now, would I be happier in Peoria rather
than Tremont. To be closer to the city rather than 30-40 minutes
away. Maybe if we were closer that would make it better? i dont
think so....but who knows. What do we do? We are going back and
forth about it all the time...not arguing, but discussing all the
pros and cons...he has pros for being here and I have pros for
leaving! I just think his career is important and its important that
he loves what he does, but that he also makes enough to support a
family. I definately dont want to be struggling financially for much
longer, and ESPECIALLY when we start having kids. We would be pretty
comfortable right now if it wasnt for all the debt...so thats
promising...but moving away would be me quitting my job and us
selling the house, then I would have to find another job and
hopefully enjoy it like this one (it is fine now, but i wonder how
long i will be able to stand it--guess it depends on how much changes
with the new company). Granted selling the house would get us outta
more debt...its still taking a pay cut and ultimately spending more
to live (cause the house payment now is pretty low and i am not sure
we could get that anywhere else.) see how it can go back and forth
endlessly!
stay, go, stay, go, stay, go, stay. go......i wish we could just
decide!! Do we just think too much? I guess I just want some
unbiased input. Maybe list our priorities and figure out how what we
have fits or doesnt, or if we have to be here to accomplish all those
goals----we just need to decide what we want and what is most
important, i guess....
anyway, I am sure that was overly scatterbrained and made no
sense....all well.
c.ALIce
Partnership
So its been almost a year that I have been married.� I think it feels about right.� I dont feel like ive been married for 20 years or so comfortable or in a groove that we have it all figured out.� Above all and everything I LOVE MY HUSBAND.� �I couldnt imagine life with anyone else.� He seriously is the other half of me.� He builds me up in the areas of my life where the building up helps me grow in things i lack confidence in.� He encourages me the best he knows how--- and even I am not sure how to let him encourage me (especially in the areas of my life where I want to remain control or feel the most hopeless in) which brings me to my "thought".� Marriage requires partnership...and as of yet, that is the HARDEST thing to learn.� SO lets investigate...what is a partnership?
According to dictionary.com the definition is "A relationship between individuals or groups that is characterized by mutual cooperation and responsibility, as for the achievement of a specified goal"� or otherwise the "the state or condition of being a partner; participation; association; joint interest."� Partner is defined as "One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest, especially:"� I personally think the first defination is the best to make my point.� A 'mutual cooroperation' and 'responsibility' to achieve a specified goal.� Now I mentioned that my husband is fantastic..he loves me SO much and I never have a doubt of his sincerity and depth of love and admiration for me (ok, other than a couple days a month due to ragin hormones...but still DEEP down I KNOW).� There are certain things in my life that I am very defensive with...and things I have struggled with for a long time.� They are goals that I have made for myself yet have never accomplished.� I shared my heart with him and try to open up and let him know that I am trying to psuh through, accomplish these things, and yet I still fail.� Now understand that our mentalities are different in this respect.� He says "well baby, if you want to lose weight, then just do it"� sounds so simple and non-complicated and really takes it to its core..Just DO It...sounds like a Nike commercial.� I on the other hand can have determination and will to accomplish these goals for a short while and then its like my fire just burns out.� The problem arises when he attempts to keep me accountable.� I resist it and determine myself not to let his encouragement influence me...its like something inside flips and I get defensive and hard-headed. Where did my fight against 'authority' come from?� So this is where the dying to me comes and where marriage begins.� So the hardest thing to step down from is my pride..."dont tell me how to do something, dont tell me I cant do something - mentality"� This is the most trying of all places in marriage...this is where you decide whether you want a partner in life and if so, you move closer together to accomplish a goal, or you decide to resist the help (my disposition) and move a little farther away from your marriage and the trust and encouragement and friendship--because after a while he is going to give up and not push that button anymore and I fear that I will lose a bit from our foundation because of that.
So partnership...taking responsibility that its OUR life, not MY life...cooperate mutually with him to accomplish a goal...even though its ultimately up to me to actually do it, but to open my heart and mind and soul (letting down my pride) to allow him to encourage, motivate, and even discipline me.� To not take offensive to his sweet pleading..dont clam up and feel like a failure when he wants to stand beside me and help me not BE a failure...dont do it out of spite just to prove to someone that I am ultimately in control of what do, when and how I do it.��
If you know me at all, you know I have been a rebel, or rather have dealt with my pride, for most of my life.� If someone says I cant do something, I am damn well going to do it--within reason of course.� My heart has always been torn because of this.� For instance, I want to a woman of God that people respect and admire and that feeling still comes up when people say "you can be so much more"---for some reason I feel like keeping people from "being right" about my life, gives me some boasting rights about proving them wrong.
There was an instance last weekend where Nat scoft at something I did because he didnt want me to do it---knew i wanted to change and was trying to keep me accountable.� At the time I was defensive...i had no answers when he asked me what he had to do to keep me accountable.� It took me a couple days and it finally dawned on me--it was about my pride and this feeling I had towards him was not anger but resistance, and I didnt know why...now it has a name, and it makes sense to me what I need to do is not necessarily MY plan for life...but the plan that makes OUR life better.
According to dictionary.com the definition is "A relationship between individuals or groups that is characterized by mutual cooperation and responsibility, as for the achievement of a specified goal"� or otherwise the "the state or condition of being a partner; participation; association; joint interest."� Partner is defined as "One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest, especially:"� I personally think the first defination is the best to make my point.� A 'mutual cooroperation' and 'responsibility' to achieve a specified goal.� Now I mentioned that my husband is fantastic..he loves me SO much and I never have a doubt of his sincerity and depth of love and admiration for me (ok, other than a couple days a month due to ragin hormones...but still DEEP down I KNOW).� There are certain things in my life that I am very defensive with...and things I have struggled with for a long time.� They are goals that I have made for myself yet have never accomplished.� I shared my heart with him and try to open up and let him know that I am trying to psuh through, accomplish these things, and yet I still fail.� Now understand that our mentalities are different in this respect.� He says "well baby, if you want to lose weight, then just do it"� sounds so simple and non-complicated and really takes it to its core..Just DO It...sounds like a Nike commercial.� I on the other hand can have determination and will to accomplish these goals for a short while and then its like my fire just burns out.� The problem arises when he attempts to keep me accountable.� I resist it and determine myself not to let his encouragement influence me...its like something inside flips and I get defensive and hard-headed. Where did my fight against 'authority' come from?� So this is where the dying to me comes and where marriage begins.� So the hardest thing to step down from is my pride..."dont tell me how to do something, dont tell me I cant do something - mentality"� This is the most trying of all places in marriage...this is where you decide whether you want a partner in life and if so, you move closer together to accomplish a goal, or you decide to resist the help (my disposition) and move a little farther away from your marriage and the trust and encouragement and friendship--because after a while he is going to give up and not push that button anymore and I fear that I will lose a bit from our foundation because of that.
So partnership...taking responsibility that its OUR life, not MY life...cooperate mutually with him to accomplish a goal...even though its ultimately up to me to actually do it, but to open my heart and mind and soul (letting down my pride) to allow him to encourage, motivate, and even discipline me.� To not take offensive to his sweet pleading..dont clam up and feel like a failure when he wants to stand beside me and help me not BE a failure...dont do it out of spite just to prove to someone that I am ultimately in control of what do, when and how I do it.��
If you know me at all, you know I have been a rebel, or rather have dealt with my pride, for most of my life.� If someone says I cant do something, I am damn well going to do it--within reason of course.� My heart has always been torn because of this.� For instance, I want to a woman of God that people respect and admire and that feeling still comes up when people say "you can be so much more"---for some reason I feel like keeping people from "being right" about my life, gives me some boasting rights about proving them wrong.
There was an instance last weekend where Nat scoft at something I did because he didnt want me to do it---knew i wanted to change and was trying to keep me accountable.� At the time I was defensive...i had no answers when he asked me what he had to do to keep me accountable.� It took me a couple days and it finally dawned on me--it was about my pride and this feeling I had towards him was not anger but resistance, and I didnt know why...now it has a name, and it makes sense to me what I need to do is not necessarily MY plan for life...but the plan that makes OUR life better.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Day One and Two
So yesterday was my first day at my new job. I think I am really going to like it there. People are super friendly and very welcoming. They seem to have a lot of fun all day and I think that will help with the mundane moments. I am a little nervous about what I will be doing all the time, but excited because there is so much potential to be fantastic and my boss already loves me and my designs. He took me around yesterday and introduced me to 40+ people and then I had lunch with all the artists and breaks as well. Ended my day on a great note and was excited and ready to go to work this morning...then BLIZARD (no not the delectible treats from Dairy Queen..we are talking snow here). Granted it was not as bad as the one in december, and actually seems quite mild in comparison, but day two...and I have to call in. I talked to my boss and he said it was ok...really to do what I thought was best, but also told me that I would be sitting and reading the manual he already read to me. So i opted not to brave the weather. Most people would be ecstatic that they could get a day off, yet I was sorta bummed.
I have my own desk that I get to decorate and my own key to get in and out of the building. I feel so professional. I thought that the waking up early would be my downfall, but i seem to get out of bed with no problem (knock on wood) although I am exhausted by 4pm and just want to take a nap. overall I am very happy with the job, although i've only officially been there for one day!
anyway, i thought i would share about my first couple days.
Chrissi
I have my own desk that I get to decorate and my own key to get in and out of the building. I feel so professional. I thought that the waking up early would be my downfall, but i seem to get out of bed with no problem (knock on wood) although I am exhausted by 4pm and just want to take a nap. overall I am very happy with the job, although i've only officially been there for one day!
anyway, i thought i would share about my first couple days.
Chrissi
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Career Woman
I know I probably should have announced this last week, but I just havent had time. I know I blogged about the job interview with Peoria Journal Star, well I also went on the second interview and they hired me!! My official first day is February 12th. I went through the drug screening and physical and now I have to make it through the first 90 day probation and I am a shoe-in. I am a little stressed, but its a new job, there is always room for stress and anxiety. i am excited though, its a great oppurtunity to work in a real-life setting and get some job experience.
I have to learn some programs I am not all that familiar with, but I impressed them by learning some basics before I went in for designing (2nd interview). I have been sick this weekend and still feel very wore out, but I guess i have to push through and get-r-done.
Sadie is super needy today. she has been right next to me all day. Etta is usually the needy one, but not as much as Sade-ster today. Its cold here in Illinois, like negative degrees and we got snow last night and its still coming down, I think it will get at least 4-5 inches.
well I better get to learning some features of the programs ill be using at my NEW JOB next week. I think the hardest thing to adjust to is that its 8:30-4:45 Mon-Fri. No days off, although its steady and consistent...it will be a super hard adjustment to not make my own schedule, but they pay me enough to bare the sacrifice!
love you all, thanks for the prayers, I just wanted you to know that they actually work!!!
c.ALIce
I have to learn some programs I am not all that familiar with, but I impressed them by learning some basics before I went in for designing (2nd interview). I have been sick this weekend and still feel very wore out, but I guess i have to push through and get-r-done.
Sadie is super needy today. she has been right next to me all day. Etta is usually the needy one, but not as much as Sade-ster today. Its cold here in Illinois, like negative degrees and we got snow last night and its still coming down, I think it will get at least 4-5 inches.
well I better get to learning some features of the programs ill be using at my NEW JOB next week. I think the hardest thing to adjust to is that its 8:30-4:45 Mon-Fri. No days off, although its steady and consistent...it will be a super hard adjustment to not make my own schedule, but they pay me enough to bare the sacrifice!
love you all, thanks for the prayers, I just wanted you to know that they actually work!!!
c.ALIce
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
And it begins....
I got a job interview!! its with Peoria Journal Star as a Production Artist. My interview is on Thursday at 3pm. I am excited that I got a call back, apparently all the hard work with the resume and portfolio paid off. There is also another job I have my eye on. It is a studio install technician for a photographic supply company. I think I am more excited about that job, but haven't heard back from them. This is where I have to trust that God knows what he is doing. Job hunting is hard, what if you get hired with the job you sorta want and then the job you really want calls and wants you...but I guess we should stay focused on the real reason I am looking for a job---stability. Funny what things happen when you grow up and the direction of your life changes.
Nat and I decided to try for kids this year, but I think we may put it off for one more year just to make sure we are ready for one. right now i think it would be too soon, but I am excited about the possibilities in the future (sometimes) still a scary thing to think about.
anyway...just wanted to give you an update!
It was AWESOME to see all of you this weekend...You dont know how much i needed some girl time!!
c.ALIce
Nat and I decided to try for kids this year, but I think we may put it off for one more year just to make sure we are ready for one. right now i think it would be too soon, but I am excited about the possibilities in the future (sometimes) still a scary thing to think about.
anyway...just wanted to give you an update!
It was AWESOME to see all of you this weekend...You dont know how much i needed some girl time!!
c.ALIce
Friday, January 19, 2007
WARNING
DO NOT WATCH GREYS ANATOMY IF YOUR DAD DIED...IT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU MISS HIM AND THATS NO FUN
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
El Fin
I finally finished (well mostly--still needs a little bit more). I did my resume, contact sheets, portolfio and am working on a CD with other related or unrelated material. I must say, I feel very pleased with the overall look and a sense of accomplishment that I completed it. Now I must mail them out!!! Wish me luck and all the prayers you can possibly muster up that I land a good job with a nice salary!!
love you all
c.ALIce
love you all
c.ALIce
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Job
Just wanted to let you all know that looking/applying for a job is like pulling out all your teeth without novicane. I am so tired. I wear myself in the preparation part and am scared to death that someone would actually call and offer me a job. I am pathetic. It should just fall into my lap right? All this work for a job that pays $9/hr...am i not worth more than that? I am a job snob. I dont want just any job. I want a job that I can grow into and with..one that I will be happy with 5 years (rather 5 months) from now. I have my resume done and I am happy with it. Now I am trying to work on my portfolio to send with my resume...not as easy a task I am afraid. I am clueless, which doesnt help. I wish someone would just tell me what to do...cause I have no idea what I am supposed to do!
cALIce
cALIce
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Pathetic
I think most of you have probably given up on my blogs. three months...how pathetic. I cant really think of anything exciting to talk about. So i guess Ill just tell you whats been going on.
As you probably know, I quit virtuallnk in August. My life was so much less stressful and semi-peaceful. Then shortly after I got a job with a photographer in Peoria. I love working with her most of the time (everyone has their days). Trouble is that I only work there part time 15-20 hours a week. Which is good, but not good enough. I talked to her about going full time in January, but it wont be working out like i thought. In order to help Nat with the bills, I had to get another part time job (which actually ends up being 30+ hours a week (you do the math). Some weeks arent as bad as others, but sometimes it is down right exhausting. My second job is a cashier at Walmart. Now I thought that this job would help me meet new people and find friends, but to no avail. It is still a loner job. Cant really cut it up with the other cashiers and most of the time the customers arent so friendly. Plus it is boring!!! The time pokes by like you are standing in line for a ride at kings island. 10 minutes feels like 2 hours. I dont think I have any choice but to suck it up. I consider going to get a 9-5 job, but what the hell would I do? I kind of like the flexibility of working with Ona, but walmart sucks because after 2 years of not having anyone tell you when and where to be at work and being able to make my own schedule, now I have people dictating my life with weekly schedules (that mind you are made 3 weeks in advance!). I feel like I have no control anymore. I cant quit though...I have nothing else substantial to fall back on. I have considered going back to school to get my teachers cert to be able to teach HS, but I am not sure how good Id be at that either. Maybe I should consider substituting first...then i fear they will put me in a room full of 5 year olds and I will suffer an anxiety attack. fear...what a messed up emotion...wont let you do anything!
I am also considering having a freelance design business, but that takes time and money to start up and I dont have much of either!
I miss Ohio. the lack of community aches in my heart and I think I take it out alot on Nat, indirectly. I really dont have any excuse why I dont have friends, other than I dont know anyone. I feel like I am trapped in Nats world, surrounded by his friends, his family and his everything. Could I be losing my identity as Chrissi. I guess I feel I am not categorized but as Nat's wife. No one really "talks" to me. You know, those out on the porch till 2am conversations...those talks about where you are, where you want to be and who you really think you are. those talks of encouragement and even those that kick you in the butt. I feel like i am missing the best times of my friends lives. They are having children, buying houses, making life changes and I am so far away that I dont even know how to talk to them anymore because maybe I feel we dont have anything to connect us anymore but our past (which can only be reminiscenced so much). I dont feel like I am of much worth. What defines my worth? the people that surround me, the pride I have in what i do for a living and how i help others. my worth is defined by how responsible i am and how much i have going for me. Maybe i have my blinders on. maybe i dont see beyond the hopelessness I feel right now. I am 28 years old with a bachelors degree working at walmart. I dont have any motivation and nothing really to hold in esteem right now. I dont feel like I have anything of my own. nothing that is purely mine. I want the determination to change my life. To step outta my comfort zone. to conquer those demons that have haunted me for years; fear, laziness, hopelessness, anger, discontentment, unsettling, lack of drive, irresponsibily...i guess the list can go on and on.
I am tired. its like feeling your feet are cemented to the floor and you can only look at what you could accomplish and the person you would truly be if only you could break yourself out of the mold you've plastered around yourself.
I dont take pictures anymore. havent for quite some time...why is that? i am jealous of those that have the zeal for what i once loved. easy to say "then go take pictures" --- bout as easy to do as carrying the ton pound brick on my shoulder as well.
I realize I have never accomplished anything I was at one time determined to accomplish. What ever happened to the girl that dreamed of owning a coffee shop. Where is the girl that dreamed of bringing people together in community and helping them grow. Where is the girl that was so free from others pre-concieved ideas, that went with the beat of her own drum? Where is the girl that loved to be around people, loved to sit and get to know others hearts and dreams? What happened to that girl? Did she grow up along with society’s pressures of “normalacy”? It makes me wonder whether that girl ever existed or if she too was a figment of my imagination, maybe just a dream of a girl I always wanted to be.
There are some days I want to get up and fight, fight for a life I know I am capable of. Fight for the vision of the woman I see in my head that I could be. I want people to line up at my funeral with utmost respect for the person I was. I want people to want to be like me, to emulate my desires, to be jealous of my zeal for life and love and adventure. I don’t want to wrestle with these demons anymore, I want them to be cast down and go away forever!
Pipe dreams…or is it? Would you recognize me if I truly became who I thought I was destined to be? Would you still love me? Of course you would, you couldn’t resist!!! =)
I am waiting…that’s my problem. I wait for her to just show up. Like one miraculous day she is going to just be me. I know that in order to show her to others, I have to walk down that long valley of change. No one wants to change…its hard, tough, scary. Its so much more comfortable to continue to dream and not achieve than to achieve and experience other dreams!
I am not sure how I feel. I want to be successful at something. I want to make enough money to pay my bills. I want to feel respected and admired. I want to be the person that people go to because they know they will be encouraged and motivated just by being in my presence. I want to love my husband without fear or reservation. I want to be happy in my soul. I don’t want to be tired, weary and discouraged all the time. I want that change to occur in my mind, soul and mind that would push me to grow. People in cinci may see that person, but I feel like right now…in this moment of my life… I am so insignificant here. I feel like I have nothing worthy to offer, and the thought of trying to find a career scares me, and at the same time perplexes me because I cant come up with anything that I am exceptional at doing.
Crossroads in life suck. I feel like I need to get the ball rolling in my life to be able to look back and be proud. I need to take those steps I have always feared to take. Take those risks that may return void. I feel like I have to decide between life in a career of working for others, or working for myself. I need to find balance in my life between work, social and spiritual life. I guess now I feel like I am lacking the later two, and have too much of the unsatisfying remainder. I think I need to emulate that SNL skit “I am good enough, smart enough and doggonit people like me”
I hate feeling discontent. I hate not taking control of my life and making it my own rather than working for people that have made it their reality. I hate being a follower and not a leader. I hate not standing up for what my heart longs for. I hate not knowing what my next step is. I hate living life without vision or drive. I hate not having anything thats mine.
Is this something I inherited…to let life pass me by. To not allow myself to live out of my comfort.
I doubt this is making sense to anyone. It’s a lot of rambling about heart with no clear definition of what it is that I truly want. How do I see myself in 1 year? 3 years? 5 years? Will I still be ranting about what I shouldve done and how life is passing me by and I am accomplishing nothing significant.
I don’t want to be a martyr. I don’t want to heal world hunger, or encourage everyone to be a vegetarian. I don’t want to be a politician. I just want to figure out what my purpose is, I want to establish my life in Illinois and surround myself with people that love and care for me deeply and really ASK how I am wanting to know the real answer. I want to be successful at something other than being a failure. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I see. I don’t want to struggle with the same habits for the next 20 years. I am dying for change, and don’t know where to begin, and that is where the frustration comes from. I see this girl in my head that people take a second glance at for her beauty and spirit and drive. I see this woman in my mirror that I cant barely stand to look at because I don’t see anything worthy.
Call this the pity party of 2006! I have come a long way. There have been substancial changes in my life that I would never have expected 2 years ago. I understand this is a journey that requires patience and endurance. I understand I may never be satisfied. I know that one day, if need be the total breaking down of my will, I will accomplish something. Today I want it all…I am sick of waiting.
Its something no one can help me with. The encouragement drives me to rebellion. I don’t want people to see me in the journey, I don’t want them to help…I want to do it on my own (because I know in my heart I am strong enough). I don’t want them to keep me accountable because that makes me feel like a failure and leads me to just give up again and again. I don’t want it. I want to be awed. Ya know…like going to your ten year reunion for high school…to walk in and be envied. I don’t want to be seen in the dirt and grim of it (which is why I think marriage is so hard…there is no where to hide or escape). I feel the need for a reboot…for my screen to go dark so no one can see whats really going on in the background. And then…..well I think I am determined enough, if only I could get past myself.
The journey is lonely for a time, hard for a while and rewarding for a lifetime. I need to tap into that strength and will I know exists. You know what you need to do to make that strength obvious…something you do behind closed doors that shows your true heart, passions and devotions. Cry out on my behalf. Groan for peace, satisfaction and purpose. Weep for my heart and soul. Stand up for me when I am weak. Grant me the priveledge of prayer. Fast for my stubbornness and pride. That’s all I ask, because I know that its more powerful than all other devices. It withstands the self doubt and weaknesses…it alone can transform the body, soul and mind in an instant. It alone can bring to me the salvation I long for.
I think that’s it…I miss and love you all desperately and I want you to know that my heart aches for your companionship. I am always a phone call away!
c.ALIce
As you probably know, I quit virtuallnk in August. My life was so much less stressful and semi-peaceful. Then shortly after I got a job with a photographer in Peoria. I love working with her most of the time (everyone has their days). Trouble is that I only work there part time 15-20 hours a week. Which is good, but not good enough. I talked to her about going full time in January, but it wont be working out like i thought. In order to help Nat with the bills, I had to get another part time job (which actually ends up being 30+ hours a week (you do the math). Some weeks arent as bad as others, but sometimes it is down right exhausting. My second job is a cashier at Walmart. Now I thought that this job would help me meet new people and find friends, but to no avail. It is still a loner job. Cant really cut it up with the other cashiers and most of the time the customers arent so friendly. Plus it is boring!!! The time pokes by like you are standing in line for a ride at kings island. 10 minutes feels like 2 hours. I dont think I have any choice but to suck it up. I consider going to get a 9-5 job, but what the hell would I do? I kind of like the flexibility of working with Ona, but walmart sucks because after 2 years of not having anyone tell you when and where to be at work and being able to make my own schedule, now I have people dictating my life with weekly schedules (that mind you are made 3 weeks in advance!). I feel like I have no control anymore. I cant quit though...I have nothing else substantial to fall back on. I have considered going back to school to get my teachers cert to be able to teach HS, but I am not sure how good Id be at that either. Maybe I should consider substituting first...then i fear they will put me in a room full of 5 year olds and I will suffer an anxiety attack. fear...what a messed up emotion...wont let you do anything!
I am also considering having a freelance design business, but that takes time and money to start up and I dont have much of either!
I miss Ohio. the lack of community aches in my heart and I think I take it out alot on Nat, indirectly. I really dont have any excuse why I dont have friends, other than I dont know anyone. I feel like I am trapped in Nats world, surrounded by his friends, his family and his everything. Could I be losing my identity as Chrissi. I guess I feel I am not categorized but as Nat's wife. No one really "talks" to me. You know, those out on the porch till 2am conversations...those talks about where you are, where you want to be and who you really think you are. those talks of encouragement and even those that kick you in the butt. I feel like i am missing the best times of my friends lives. They are having children, buying houses, making life changes and I am so far away that I dont even know how to talk to them anymore because maybe I feel we dont have anything to connect us anymore but our past (which can only be reminiscenced so much). I dont feel like I am of much worth. What defines my worth? the people that surround me, the pride I have in what i do for a living and how i help others. my worth is defined by how responsible i am and how much i have going for me. Maybe i have my blinders on. maybe i dont see beyond the hopelessness I feel right now. I am 28 years old with a bachelors degree working at walmart. I dont have any motivation and nothing really to hold in esteem right now. I dont feel like I have anything of my own. nothing that is purely mine. I want the determination to change my life. To step outta my comfort zone. to conquer those demons that have haunted me for years; fear, laziness, hopelessness, anger, discontentment, unsettling, lack of drive, irresponsibily...i guess the list can go on and on.
I am tired. its like feeling your feet are cemented to the floor and you can only look at what you could accomplish and the person you would truly be if only you could break yourself out of the mold you've plastered around yourself.
I dont take pictures anymore. havent for quite some time...why is that? i am jealous of those that have the zeal for what i once loved. easy to say "then go take pictures" --- bout as easy to do as carrying the ton pound brick on my shoulder as well.
I realize I have never accomplished anything I was at one time determined to accomplish. What ever happened to the girl that dreamed of owning a coffee shop. Where is the girl that dreamed of bringing people together in community and helping them grow. Where is the girl that was so free from others pre-concieved ideas, that went with the beat of her own drum? Where is the girl that loved to be around people, loved to sit and get to know others hearts and dreams? What happened to that girl? Did she grow up along with society’s pressures of “normalacy”? It makes me wonder whether that girl ever existed or if she too was a figment of my imagination, maybe just a dream of a girl I always wanted to be.
There are some days I want to get up and fight, fight for a life I know I am capable of. Fight for the vision of the woman I see in my head that I could be. I want people to line up at my funeral with utmost respect for the person I was. I want people to want to be like me, to emulate my desires, to be jealous of my zeal for life and love and adventure. I don’t want to wrestle with these demons anymore, I want them to be cast down and go away forever!
Pipe dreams…or is it? Would you recognize me if I truly became who I thought I was destined to be? Would you still love me? Of course you would, you couldn’t resist!!! =)
I am waiting…that’s my problem. I wait for her to just show up. Like one miraculous day she is going to just be me. I know that in order to show her to others, I have to walk down that long valley of change. No one wants to change…its hard, tough, scary. Its so much more comfortable to continue to dream and not achieve than to achieve and experience other dreams!
I am not sure how I feel. I want to be successful at something. I want to make enough money to pay my bills. I want to feel respected and admired. I want to be the person that people go to because they know they will be encouraged and motivated just by being in my presence. I want to love my husband without fear or reservation. I want to be happy in my soul. I don’t want to be tired, weary and discouraged all the time. I want that change to occur in my mind, soul and mind that would push me to grow. People in cinci may see that person, but I feel like right now…in this moment of my life… I am so insignificant here. I feel like I have nothing worthy to offer, and the thought of trying to find a career scares me, and at the same time perplexes me because I cant come up with anything that I am exceptional at doing.
Crossroads in life suck. I feel like I need to get the ball rolling in my life to be able to look back and be proud. I need to take those steps I have always feared to take. Take those risks that may return void. I feel like I have to decide between life in a career of working for others, or working for myself. I need to find balance in my life between work, social and spiritual life. I guess now I feel like I am lacking the later two, and have too much of the unsatisfying remainder. I think I need to emulate that SNL skit “I am good enough, smart enough and doggonit people like me”
I hate feeling discontent. I hate not taking control of my life and making it my own rather than working for people that have made it their reality. I hate being a follower and not a leader. I hate not standing up for what my heart longs for. I hate not knowing what my next step is. I hate living life without vision or drive. I hate not having anything thats mine.
Is this something I inherited…to let life pass me by. To not allow myself to live out of my comfort.
I doubt this is making sense to anyone. It’s a lot of rambling about heart with no clear definition of what it is that I truly want. How do I see myself in 1 year? 3 years? 5 years? Will I still be ranting about what I shouldve done and how life is passing me by and I am accomplishing nothing significant.
I don’t want to be a martyr. I don’t want to heal world hunger, or encourage everyone to be a vegetarian. I don’t want to be a politician. I just want to figure out what my purpose is, I want to establish my life in Illinois and surround myself with people that love and care for me deeply and really ASK how I am wanting to know the real answer. I want to be successful at something other than being a failure. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I see. I don’t want to struggle with the same habits for the next 20 years. I am dying for change, and don’t know where to begin, and that is where the frustration comes from. I see this girl in my head that people take a second glance at for her beauty and spirit and drive. I see this woman in my mirror that I cant barely stand to look at because I don’t see anything worthy.
Call this the pity party of 2006! I have come a long way. There have been substancial changes in my life that I would never have expected 2 years ago. I understand this is a journey that requires patience and endurance. I understand I may never be satisfied. I know that one day, if need be the total breaking down of my will, I will accomplish something. Today I want it all…I am sick of waiting.
Its something no one can help me with. The encouragement drives me to rebellion. I don’t want people to see me in the journey, I don’t want them to help…I want to do it on my own (because I know in my heart I am strong enough). I don’t want them to keep me accountable because that makes me feel like a failure and leads me to just give up again and again. I don’t want it. I want to be awed. Ya know…like going to your ten year reunion for high school…to walk in and be envied. I don’t want to be seen in the dirt and grim of it (which is why I think marriage is so hard…there is no where to hide or escape). I feel the need for a reboot…for my screen to go dark so no one can see whats really going on in the background. And then…..well I think I am determined enough, if only I could get past myself.
The journey is lonely for a time, hard for a while and rewarding for a lifetime. I need to tap into that strength and will I know exists. You know what you need to do to make that strength obvious…something you do behind closed doors that shows your true heart, passions and devotions. Cry out on my behalf. Groan for peace, satisfaction and purpose. Weep for my heart and soul. Stand up for me when I am weak. Grant me the priveledge of prayer. Fast for my stubbornness and pride. That’s all I ask, because I know that its more powerful than all other devices. It withstands the self doubt and weaknesses…it alone can transform the body, soul and mind in an instant. It alone can bring to me the salvation I long for.
I think that’s it…I miss and love you all desperately and I want you to know that my heart aches for your companionship. I am always a phone call away!
c.ALIce
Friday, September 22, 2006
VC Lovers need your help!!
Please pass this one and save Vanilla Coke from permanant demise and its lovers from a lifetime of devastation!!!!
Many of you may know, or you may not, but I am an AVID lover of Vanilla Coke. Its the only thing I drank until it was pulled off the market, off the shelves and out of my life. Pleas help!!!
Go to http://www.savevanillacoke.org and sign the petition to get vanilla coke back!!
They say that their consumers asked for black cherry vanilla...i wonder WHO they are talking to...that crap is disgusting!!
Whether you like VC or not, please support our mission so that we can all live in harmony.
Thanks!!
Chrissi
Many of you may know, or you may not, but I am an AVID lover of Vanilla Coke. Its the only thing I drank until it was pulled off the market, off the shelves and out of my life. Pleas help!!!
Go to http://www.savevanillacoke.org and sign the petition to get vanilla coke back!!
They say that their consumers asked for black cherry vanilla...i wonder WHO they are talking to...that crap is disgusting!!
Whether you like VC or not, please support our mission so that we can all live in harmony.
Thanks!!
Chrissi
Sunday, September 10, 2006
life, etc.....
this is an email i wrote earlier...but pretty much sums everything up
LIFE:
I quit my job with virtuallnk as a graphic designer becasue I was miserable working from home and having NO contact beyond Nat. So I am taking a job with photographer in Peoria. i think it will be awesome because I actually get to work with pictures and albums which i have always wanted to learn to do and also take some pictures. i am not sure the hours or the pay, but at this point I am just overly excited about the oppurtunity to get my foot in the door. Ryan (our friend) also said I am basically hired at Starbucks Pekin...when it finally opens. I think its supposed to open end of September, early October. So there's two jobs in the bag!! YEAH I AM SO EXCITED!!
LOVE:
I love my husband. He may be getting a raise, which is very exciting. We will know in the next couple months. He is so awesome to me that I dont think i ever do enough to make him happy (although he tells me that i am). I am glad he went to church with me on Sunday. It would be nice to get re-aquainted with those people, but I also wonder if he would grow more and be more open to getting involved if it wasnt at Northfield (his home church)...I dunno, we will have to see. I wonder how we get involved with at home bible studies (do they even offer that?)
FAMILY:
Life is good for them. Mom seems to be really happy, though i am sure she has her moments. Cheryl is currently on vacation, she was at moms till wednesday then she is went to North Carolina. Carol may be moving from Cincinnati to Campbellsville, KY. There is a potential opening for a dorm director and a VERY good possibility she can also teach some classes there as well. Its the college she went to for her bachelors and its her dream to teach there, so that is really exciting for her. one problem is that she cant take her dog Judah with her...and Cheryl, me and mom dont really want her either. Its really sad actually, but I am sure we will find her a good home.
BUSINESS:
I started a home-based business with Arbonne. Have you ever heard of it? The products are PHENOMENAL and the compensation and rewards are the best for direct sales businesses. I am hoping to be able to get some networking done in Illinois and expose the Holiday catalog. There are so many good things in there for Christmas gifts. I have some ideas on what I am planning on getting people that I dont know what to get them. I am having some trouble because i dont know anyone here because the entire time I have been here I have been working from home. I had a couple parties in Cincinnati that were awesome last month. I am hoping to make district manager by next month..which means i really need to get my butt in action. It has really forced me to get out and meet new people, which has been really good for me.
You can look online at the holiday stuff. If you need to get anything for cousins, aunts, mothers, mother-in-laws, sisters, sister in laws, friends, guys, co-workers, birthdays, weddings, etc etc...remember when you look at the price online that it is 35% off that price (if you sign up to be a consultant)....so if your christmas budget is around $20-30 per person...these might be some great ideas...trying to make it easy for ya. Better than Bath and Body!!! =) I am going to buy the set of three of the smaller ones and mix and match little baskets...i think that will be clever! I LOVE THE MANDARIN CASHMERE!!!!
Here is a link to look over them....
https://www.arbonne.com/shop_online/shoponline.asp
Also, if you want to host a party or have a catalog show...let me know!!!
http://chrissi.myarbonne.com
So that basically sums up my life...little bit of work, little bit of love, family and Arbonne. Overall I am very content with where my life is and where it is going to take me. I have my days though!!!
CP
LIFE:
I quit my job with virtuallnk as a graphic designer becasue I was miserable working from home and having NO contact beyond Nat. So I am taking a job with photographer in Peoria. i think it will be awesome because I actually get to work with pictures and albums which i have always wanted to learn to do and also take some pictures. i am not sure the hours or the pay, but at this point I am just overly excited about the oppurtunity to get my foot in the door. Ryan (our friend) also said I am basically hired at Starbucks Pekin...when it finally opens. I think its supposed to open end of September, early October. So there's two jobs in the bag!! YEAH I AM SO EXCITED!!
LOVE:
I love my husband. He may be getting a raise, which is very exciting. We will know in the next couple months. He is so awesome to me that I dont think i ever do enough to make him happy (although he tells me that i am). I am glad he went to church with me on Sunday. It would be nice to get re-aquainted with those people, but I also wonder if he would grow more and be more open to getting involved if it wasnt at Northfield (his home church)...I dunno, we will have to see. I wonder how we get involved with at home bible studies (do they even offer that?)
FAMILY:
Life is good for them. Mom seems to be really happy, though i am sure she has her moments. Cheryl is currently on vacation, she was at moms till wednesday then she is went to North Carolina. Carol may be moving from Cincinnati to Campbellsville, KY. There is a potential opening for a dorm director and a VERY good possibility she can also teach some classes there as well. Its the college she went to for her bachelors and its her dream to teach there, so that is really exciting for her. one problem is that she cant take her dog Judah with her...and Cheryl, me and mom dont really want her either. Its really sad actually, but I am sure we will find her a good home.
BUSINESS:
I started a home-based business with Arbonne. Have you ever heard of it? The products are PHENOMENAL and the compensation and rewards are the best for direct sales businesses. I am hoping to be able to get some networking done in Illinois and expose the Holiday catalog. There are so many good things in there for Christmas gifts. I have some ideas on what I am planning on getting people that I dont know what to get them. I am having some trouble because i dont know anyone here because the entire time I have been here I have been working from home. I had a couple parties in Cincinnati that were awesome last month. I am hoping to make district manager by next month..which means i really need to get my butt in action. It has really forced me to get out and meet new people, which has been really good for me.
You can look online at the holiday stuff. If you need to get anything for cousins, aunts, mothers, mother-in-laws, sisters, sister in laws, friends, guys, co-workers, birthdays, weddings, etc etc...remember when you look at the price online that it is 35% off that price (if you sign up to be a consultant)....so if your christmas budget is around $20-30 per person...these might be some great ideas...trying to make it easy for ya. Better than Bath and Body!!! =) I am going to buy the set of three of the smaller ones and mix and match little baskets...i think that will be clever! I LOVE THE MANDARIN CASHMERE!!!!
Here is a link to look over them....
https://www.arbonne.com/shop_online/shoponline.asp
Also, if you want to host a party or have a catalog show...let me know!!!
http://chrissi.myarbonne.com
So that basically sums up my life...little bit of work, little bit of love, family and Arbonne. Overall I am very content with where my life is and where it is going to take me. I have my days though!!!
CP
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Coke Addicts
This is hilarious....well to me, but i thought i would share
So Nat is sitting on the couch, watching tv...he drinks coke, in the bottles. He opened it then put it on the floor next to him. Then I saw Sadie, walk right over to the coke bottle (which was full mind you) and dragged it into the middle of the floor and started chewing on it. Its not unusual for the girls to chew on empty water bottles and coke bottles, but she blantantly stole a full coke bottle from Nat. HAHHAHAHAAHHAAH
Then, he took it from her and put it next to him again, she climbed up on him, gave him a couple kisses, then STOLE IT AGAIN. Now we are a little to blame, cause we have taught them to chew on coke bottles, but usually empty ones!!!
Nat noticed earlier today that they (being Sadie and Etta, because most days they work as a tag team) dragged a full bottle outside (last one from a 6-pack with plastic thing still attached)...and one fourth of it was left.
So I have concluded that Etta and Sadie are both coke addicts.
CP
So Nat is sitting on the couch, watching tv...he drinks coke, in the bottles. He opened it then put it on the floor next to him. Then I saw Sadie, walk right over to the coke bottle (which was full mind you) and dragged it into the middle of the floor and started chewing on it. Its not unusual for the girls to chew on empty water bottles and coke bottles, but she blantantly stole a full coke bottle from Nat. HAHHAHAHAAHHAAH
Then, he took it from her and put it next to him again, she climbed up on him, gave him a couple kisses, then STOLE IT AGAIN. Now we are a little to blame, cause we have taught them to chew on coke bottles, but usually empty ones!!!
Nat noticed earlier today that they (being Sadie and Etta, because most days they work as a tag team) dragged a full bottle outside (last one from a 6-pack with plastic thing still attached)...and one fourth of it was left.
So I have concluded that Etta and Sadie are both coke addicts.
CP
Friday, September 08, 2006
quitter
Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.
People are fond of spouting out the old cliché about how Van Gogh never sold a painting in his lifetime. Somehow his example serves to justify to us, decades later, that there is somehow merit in utter failure.
Perhaps, but the man did commit suicide.
Ninety-nine percent of all failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.
People are fond of spouting out the old cliché about how Van Gogh never sold a painting in his lifetime. Somehow his example serves to justify to us, decades later, that there is somehow merit in utter failure.
Perhaps, but the man did commit suicide.
Ninety-nine percent of all failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
che che cheggit out....
I finally finished...I finished the website. They provided the address and everything, but i had to figure out what to put on the pages and insert LOTS of HTML code to make it look decent. it was a nice learning experience!!
http://chrissi.myarbonne.com
CP
http://chrissi.myarbonne.com
CP
Monday, August 21, 2006
8.21.2006
Greetings all.
Its been a while since I have blogged. Not that I dont have anything to say, just not much that i want to share with the world. I am doing well with Arbonne. Get discouraged sometimes, but i suppose that is normal. I have a lot on my plate right now, though today i officially finished my last project with Virtuallnk. Somewhat of a relief, but scary at the same time. I have an interview tomorrow and another one on Wednesday. I am not really sure what i want to do. Sorta want to go back into my comfort zone, but also feel the need to expand my zoning.
Been dealing with alot lately...just rushes of emotions with the new crossroad in life. Maybe one day ill figure out what i really want outta life. I can almost guarentee it wont be the norm.
Mrs.P
Its been a while since I have blogged. Not that I dont have anything to say, just not much that i want to share with the world. I am doing well with Arbonne. Get discouraged sometimes, but i suppose that is normal. I have a lot on my plate right now, though today i officially finished my last project with Virtuallnk. Somewhat of a relief, but scary at the same time. I have an interview tomorrow and another one on Wednesday. I am not really sure what i want to do. Sorta want to go back into my comfort zone, but also feel the need to expand my zoning.
Been dealing with alot lately...just rushes of emotions with the new crossroad in life. Maybe one day ill figure out what i really want outta life. I can almost guarentee it wont be the norm.
Mrs.P
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Hmmmm
So this week Ruth Ann has been calling me at 5:30 in the morning to go walking. I have actually gone. This morning I got no call...I was somewhat disappointed and somewhat relieved because i went to bed sorta later than i would have liked. So now i should be working, I have made a lot of progress this week but still hate to send my stuff for review because of the critiques. I think i truly despise my job more every day. Nat keeps telling me to take classes and grow more and i will like it better. maybe if i knew what i was doing i would feel more comfortable and productive. I dont know. I think overall i am just frustrated in general. I hate taking my frustrations of life out on Nat. Its not his fault. I am not sure what i want. I want a friend to hang out with. I want to have people i can have deep thoughtful conversations that dont live 6 hours away. I want to grow spiritually. I want to be loved...i know i am loved. Nat is very good about loving me, and so are my friends in Ohio and elsewhere...but i am talking about being loved, for people to seek out to hang out with you because they think you are so cool. I have met people and they have my phone number but no one has really reached out. Brinlee reached out alot, and she is moving away. I thrive by people, and i feel so alone all the time. I sit in the house all day staring at a computer screen. I sit all night, mostly staring at a computer screen. I really miss the interaction with people. I almost feel like sometimes i forgot how to be around people. I am sure that is like riding a bike...
So we thought that maybe i could go work at CSE, not for CSE but just sit at a desk or something so that i am out of the house and around people. Its an option, but I am not too sure about it yet. It just doesnt feel comfortable to me. I think about getting another job, but then I also think of how much i have on my plate right now and that getting another job would just take away from the jobs i have now.
Arbonne is such a relief. I see the potential to make friends and hang out with people and make money. Its like the light at the end of the tunnel. I dont think Nat really knows what to think. I made my first order last night and I am officially an independant consultant. I have a number and a pin and everything. I am very excited. I think it may be what i am looking for to escape my current situation. Its hard to be proactive about your life and not have people babysit you through it. I really have to decide what I want and go for it despite others opinions or preconcieved notions.
Another cool note, I started the Breaking Free Beth Moore study again. I am not putting it on a daily schedule, thats too much pressure and guilt. I have done a couple days, talking about disobedient kings of judah. I have done it once before but i have a feeling that it will be EXTREMELY different this time around. My struggles are definately different. WE'll see how well that goes. I am not a very good Bible reader...nothing every really hits me. I guess part of me feels like i know it all already. Of course i dont.
anyway, i need to go get breakfast and get some work done so i feel productive and valid today. sad eh?
love you all..i am excited to see you next week.
Mrs.P
So we thought that maybe i could go work at CSE, not for CSE but just sit at a desk or something so that i am out of the house and around people. Its an option, but I am not too sure about it yet. It just doesnt feel comfortable to me. I think about getting another job, but then I also think of how much i have on my plate right now and that getting another job would just take away from the jobs i have now.
Arbonne is such a relief. I see the potential to make friends and hang out with people and make money. Its like the light at the end of the tunnel. I dont think Nat really knows what to think. I made my first order last night and I am officially an independant consultant. I have a number and a pin and everything. I am very excited. I think it may be what i am looking for to escape my current situation. Its hard to be proactive about your life and not have people babysit you through it. I really have to decide what I want and go for it despite others opinions or preconcieved notions.
Another cool note, I started the Breaking Free Beth Moore study again. I am not putting it on a daily schedule, thats too much pressure and guilt. I have done a couple days, talking about disobedient kings of judah. I have done it once before but i have a feeling that it will be EXTREMELY different this time around. My struggles are definately different. WE'll see how well that goes. I am not a very good Bible reader...nothing every really hits me. I guess part of me feels like i know it all already. Of course i dont.
anyway, i need to go get breakfast and get some work done so i feel productive and valid today. sad eh?
love you all..i am excited to see you next week.
Mrs.P
Thursday, July 27, 2006
so its Jamaica and all
Jamaica was fun. we were trapped on a complex with two different villas on the very small (but present) beach. we went to margaritaville and some falls. overall it was a good trip, hangin out with the fam and friends. other than that notmuch has been going on. I have a meeting today with a lady in Morton that sells arbonne as well so hopefully we can encourage each other and get some meetings going on around here. She is the only person i have come across that sells it around here, which is a good thing. Gives us somewhat of a monopoly but also it sucks because then its a little harder to learn about how we are to go about things.
Cheryl and Becky are having parties for me in August. I will be in town the 10th-14th. I think we have decided to focus more on the make-up aspect but will still focus on the skin care. Look up some details if you want, but come to the party because they will be fun. www.arbonne.com
Life is pretty boring but soon to be way busy and overwhelming. I will be good though. I will be making friends and money at the same time. I know you all are probably pretty sick of me talking about arbonne, but i seriously think it may be a good thing for me. It is a chance to make enough where i can quit the job i hate and make more money that i ever have before. we will see how it goes. mainly i want to lead others to financial freedom. This is one avenue that has worked for many people and i think that i can make it work for me.
anyway. bible study is over. I am sorta sad. Brinlee is leaving for Brazil soon, but i still have Ruth Ann. I would be a mess without her. She is like my only friend in Illinois (besides Nat, of course).
Steve, Hope's husband, went to the hospital on Tuesday night/Wed am with internal bleeding. They had him in ICU. Apparently he had too many aspirins or something. It was caused by pain medicine. Nat and I went to hang out with Hope at the hospital on Wednesday afternoon. I think now is ok, they were doing another test on him today and he probably got to go home, i am not totally for sure. She is not very good at about keeping people updated. Probably doesnt want to bother anyone, i can understand that.
No one is writing in their blogs. i feel so ALONE in the blog world. come on people, i KNOW something is going on!!!
Anyway, see you all in a couple weeks. If anything interesting happens or if i happen to have any epiphanies i will make sure i let you know.
Love you
Mrs P
Cheryl and Becky are having parties for me in August. I will be in town the 10th-14th. I think we have decided to focus more on the make-up aspect but will still focus on the skin care. Look up some details if you want, but come to the party because they will be fun. www.arbonne.com
Life is pretty boring but soon to be way busy and overwhelming. I will be good though. I will be making friends and money at the same time. I know you all are probably pretty sick of me talking about arbonne, but i seriously think it may be a good thing for me. It is a chance to make enough where i can quit the job i hate and make more money that i ever have before. we will see how it goes. mainly i want to lead others to financial freedom. This is one avenue that has worked for many people and i think that i can make it work for me.
anyway. bible study is over. I am sorta sad. Brinlee is leaving for Brazil soon, but i still have Ruth Ann. I would be a mess without her. She is like my only friend in Illinois (besides Nat, of course).
Steve, Hope's husband, went to the hospital on Tuesday night/Wed am with internal bleeding. They had him in ICU. Apparently he had too many aspirins or something. It was caused by pain medicine. Nat and I went to hang out with Hope at the hospital on Wednesday afternoon. I think now is ok, they were doing another test on him today and he probably got to go home, i am not totally for sure. She is not very good at about keeping people updated. Probably doesnt want to bother anyone, i can understand that.
No one is writing in their blogs. i feel so ALONE in the blog world. come on people, i KNOW something is going on!!!
Anyway, see you all in a couple weeks. If anything interesting happens or if i happen to have any epiphanies i will make sure i let you know.
Love you
Mrs P
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
OH Our LUCK!!
Here is an amusing story. VW called Nat today to have him come in and sign some more papers. Apparently something went awry. We bought a 2003 VW Jetta for 17,891, with nats trade in we got a very sweet deal. The car is loaded and 2006 retail is like 36000. We sorta wondered all day why the price was so low. I mean VW keep their value for quite a while and it was fairly cheap for being a loaded 2003. Here is the funny part....Nat had to go in and sign papers for the car we REALLY bought. They had the serial numbers mixed up and we were really supposed to get another Passat that wasnt nearly the one we got. Ours was supposed to be like 25,000. So we definately got a GREAT deal!!!! not everyday that the dealership will take more than 7,000 off a car...this time they did it by accident. How sweet is that?? usually you buy a car in negative equity, we drive off the lot with 6-8000 IN EQUITY. it still makes me giggle inside. Now i really think we should've got teh two for one deal (ya know, cause i am carless!).
Anyway..thought i would share
Mrs P
Anyway..thought i would share
Mrs P
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