missing him

nat left yesterday for turkey..yes the country...he wont be back till next sunday. i am very excited for him. he is going to train CAT dealers on how to use the software he supports. but i miss him....a lot!

now..

i am feeling a LITTLE better, but still dont enjoy looking for houses!

faith. frustration. failure. fickle.

That pretty much sums up my life...i am lacking in faith that this is where I am supposed to be. I am frustrated that i havent been to one house that i like and the one i like is pretty much outta reach. I am a failure in more than one area...and I am fickle...i have no idea what i want!

i feel hopeless, stressed, frustrated, angry, and confused!!

WE SOLD THE HOUSE!!!

thats it..just thought id share...homeless again!

c.ALIce

comfort (er) destroyed

There was a time when our bed was adorned with a ratty old comforter, with holes and so thin you could see through it. then while on a magical trip to Kohls (and 30% off coupon) i found it, the perfect comforter, mainly because of the reasonable price, yet besides that, it was beautiful, funky beautiful (pic at http://chrissialice.blogspot.com). I loved it, a pride came over me when i put it on the bed and it looked nice, and not like a homeless person's cardboard box.
Thanks to a couple mischevious girls, the comforter has met its demise, in less than a week, the comforter now shares the same fate as the former and now has a huge hole in it and until i am bold, brave or stupid enough, i will spend my hard earned money on another comforter, but until then, i guess my "nice things" phase will have to fade quickly.

Now some "un-dog-lovers" will bitch that maybe we should 1. get rid of the dogs (like my husband would allow that!) 2. lock the girls out the bedroom (did that, but door did not cooperate) 3. dont buy new things (yes, yes, cause i want to surround myself with objects that look like they have been rat-infested). But something WILL be done, whether that means that Nat's precious lil girls will very soon become outside dogs or well in my angered state, that seems like a only and damn good solution!

thats all, figured i would share!

c.ALIce

Did I Mention Part 2...

well i am home and its almost surreal that I dont have a list of things to do to the house once i got here. I am almost bored, but believe me I have plenty to keep my busy and entertained. i have a list of photos that need retouching and projects to do and just relaxing will be the main part for just a bit and that will be nice. Nat is in school again and although he only has two classes, they seem to be very difficult and time consuming. I am so proud of him and I know he will finish and with flying colors!
I have seen the adorable Olivia and also the adorable McKinley --another big thing in my life is that my friends are having babies. They seem to be everywhere. I feel a little left out, but I know its not time yet, at least not till we move and get settled. I am hoping that selling this house will put us in a very good financial position, or at least 10X better than we are in now...and that is one step closer to feeling ready for kids...although I am not sure I will ever be ready...Nat on the other hand is a natural...
a new phase of new me is starting today...
12 week countdown. Carol and I and maybe Cheryl are going to Niagara Falls! I am excited. I think we are going to Cedar Point as well. carol planned the whole trip and she is a good planner -- i am just thrilled to be looking forward to a vacation. I am going to KY on June 30th for Moms side of the family reunion. I will be the official photographer with cheryl as my side-kick...its quite the sight to see...us bicker and grip but get some great shots in the process.

well i better try to find something to do...love ya all

C.ALIce

Did I Mention...?

I have a few minutes before I leave from work and really dont feel like working anymore, so figured I'd write a bit. I think i have mentioned before that I really thought the 2007 was going to be the year of change, with my personal motto being "New year, New you!" Its definately been a year of change so far, slow but surely.
As you already know I have a job, a real one, some days I hate it and some days i dont. I have actually considered in the last week or so about going back to school to get my teacher's certificate insecondary education so I can have my summers off and most major holidays. I was looking for schools that had 12-14 month accelerated masters programs with teacher cert...i found a couple, but didnt devote too much time to them.
Also, for those that dont know, and I assume most of you dont..today is day 35 of me not smoking. Its been hard and easy and lately my cravings have been really bad, but I have not succumb to the temptations! GO ME!
This weekend Nat and I put our house on the market OFFICIALLY and had Open House on Saturday and Sunday. We had 6 couples walk through and today we had someone call and say they were coming back and talking to the bank for pre-approval. So it may happen alot sooner than we anticipated. I guess we should start looking for a place to live eh? Moving to Peoria will be a good change I think as far as being able to get connected into a community. I think Nat needs to get out of Tremont although i have come to love and adore the house and it is perfect for us and the girls...its actually the girls I am most worried about...they will go through culture shock and we will have to either build another (perfect) fence or tie them out again or buy a house with a fence...house remodeling take 2...
I found a new friend! Her name is Sandy and I think she will be my saving grace here! We have much in common and she is so sweet and nice and welcoming. I really think that we will get along great. Our schedules have collided over the last couple weeks but we made a date to hang out next saturday and i am really excited. I also had a breakfast date with grandma pflederer planned that day, and poker on friday so it will be a fun-packed weekend!
Nat is leaving for Turkey (yes the COUNTRY) on June 22nd and he will be coming back on July 1st. He is going there to train some Cat dealers, or something. I am excited for him and wish I could go, but I have a real job and no money!
Vanessa is moving back to Illinois that weekend as well. I am not sure how long she is planning on staying, but she is leaving LA and moving here....that i am TOTALLY excited about!! YEAH!!!
Just seems like life is falling together for us and its excited and scary and I know there is more change to come before the year is out!!

ill write more later....maybe...if you are lucky!

c.ALIce

Tremont House

here is a link to the pics of house if anyone is interested in the improvements...if you've been here, you would see they difference....

http://chrissialice.blogspot.com

YEAH

IM AN AUNT!!!

one question

why doesnt anyone ever come visit me?

decisions..changing

I am not sure whats wrong with me....why am i so discontent here in
Illinois. I havent really attempted going out and making friends
cause Nat and I go back and forth every 2-3 months whether we are
moving or staying. I guess I dont see myself raising kids in
Illinois. It is just too far from my sisters and family. I want my
kids to be raise with their aunts and cousins and friends' kids. Now
all my friends are starting to have kids in Ohio. Of course I am a
couple years off (ideally) but still, i like the idea of all my
friends getting together to take our kids to kings island or the
zoo. I like the idea of raising my children in the tight-knit
community I grew up in. Thats my only real issue. I dont want to
be here. What is so horrible about Ilinois? nothing really--just
lonesome. All Nats friends are already married and their kids are
like 12, just feels like a different place in life. The other
friends are ok, but still in the awkward stage and I just dont see
what we have in common...maybe i am just not trying hard enough.
You know when you meet someone and you know they will be your friend
for a long time? There is that instantious friendship and weird
cosmis bond that makes a deep friendship. I guess I just keep
comparing everyone to my friends back home...I want an instant friend
with comfort and history. So what do you do? Do you stay and force
yourself to go find a community of people that will doubtfully
compare to the ones you have, or do you move to be with those people,
or at least ALOT closer?
Its like my heart is torn, knowing that I finally found a job (for
now) and seems to be perfectly tailored for me-- and also starting
over again somewhere else. I am scared to go back to Cincinnati
because I dont want to fall right back into how I was when I was
there. Cause when i lived there before I left for Cincinnati, I was
miserable because even though I had friends, I never saw them. For
some reason I just think it will be different. There just seems to
be more open doors in Cincinnati; photography company with Cheryl,
hanging out with Amber more (cause since college I think i have seen
her 4-5 times but talk to her on the phone AT least once a week),
being closer to family and friends, being able to rely on someone
other than my husband and his friends and family for a social life, a
church i love, experiencing another era of life with those closest to
me...and sharing my new life with them...growing older with each
other, having kids together, maybe go back to school to get MRI
degree or something else. Then there is the other option...stay in
Illinois, love my husband, hope for big raises and start having
kids...hang out with g-ma yoder and g-pa pflederer and all Nats
family. Try to make friends with people around here, find a church
that we both enjoy...basically we would stay in tremont, go to a
church similiar to new bethel and lots of people that grew up
together and trying to somehow fit into that crowd...hell we've been
here for nearly 2 years and still havent made any progress-=its like
trying to fit into our nbbc crowd, you could, but you would still
always be an outsider. Maybe I am a pessemist. Maybe I am just not
trying hard enough...i know I am not. But where do I begin? Like I
was telling Nat, if we could just finally decide to stay or
go....maybe I could settle down...but in the same sentence, I hope
its not stay here. Maybe its just hormones, but I just want to cry
all day. Its not like my life sucks that bad. I am pretty damn
blessed actually. I am surrounded by people that love me--i have a
good job---what else really do I want?
So how do you decide what to do? You have one aspect that staying
here will be good for Nats career (ideally), that own kids will be
surrounded by people that love them and lavish on them (namely
grandparents) and there are good churches and communities to get
involved in if we, or rather i, would actually do it. and Nat likes
it here. Then there is the aspect that he would do anything for me
if I asked, and I guess I fear to take advantage of that and making
him give anything up. cause basically am i not taking him from all
he knows and planting into MY city. So is it better to find a happy
medium somewhere? Not moving to Cincinnati, but close enough that I
can go whenever I want..but then whats the point...i would still be
in a place where i didnt know anyone and pretty much in the same
situation, just not peoria. Now, would I be happier in Peoria rather
than Tremont. To be closer to the city rather than 30-40 minutes
away. Maybe if we were closer that would make it better? i dont
think so....but who knows. What do we do? We are going back and
forth about it all the time...not arguing, but discussing all the
pros and cons...he has pros for being here and I have pros for
leaving! I just think his career is important and its important that
he loves what he does, but that he also makes enough to support a
family. I definately dont want to be struggling financially for much
longer, and ESPECIALLY when we start having kids. We would be pretty
comfortable right now if it wasnt for all the debt...so thats
promising...but moving away would be me quitting my job and us
selling the house, then I would have to find another job and
hopefully enjoy it like this one (it is fine now, but i wonder how
long i will be able to stand it--guess it depends on how much changes
with the new company). Granted selling the house would get us outta
more debt...its still taking a pay cut and ultimately spending more
to live (cause the house payment now is pretty low and i am not sure
we could get that anywhere else.) see how it can go back and forth
endlessly!
stay, go, stay, go, stay, go, stay. go......i wish we could just
decide!! Do we just think too much? I guess I just want some
unbiased input. Maybe list our priorities and figure out how what we
have fits or doesnt, or if we have to be here to accomplish all those
goals----we just need to decide what we want and what is most
important, i guess....
anyway, I am sure that was overly scatterbrained and made no
sense....all well.
c.ALIce

Partnership

So its been almost a year that I have been married.� I think it feels about right.� I dont feel like ive been married for 20 years or so comfortable or in a groove that we have it all figured out.� Above all and everything I LOVE MY HUSBAND.� �I couldnt imagine life with anyone else.� He seriously is the other half of me.� He builds me up in the areas of my life where the building up helps me grow in things i lack confidence in.� He encourages me the best he knows how--- and even I am not sure how to let him encourage me (especially in the areas of my life where I want to remain control or feel the most hopeless in) which brings me to my "thought".� Marriage requires partnership...and as of yet, that is the HARDEST thing to learn.� SO lets investigate...what is a partnership?
According to dictionary.com the definition is "A relationship between individuals or groups that is characterized by mutual cooperation and responsibility, as for the achievement of a specified goal"� or otherwise the "the state or condition of being a partner; participation; association; joint interest."� Partner is defined as "One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest, especially:"� I personally think the first defination is the best to make my point.� A 'mutual cooroperation' and 'responsibility' to achieve a specified goal.� Now I mentioned that my husband is fantastic..he loves me SO much and I never have a doubt of his sincerity and depth of love and admiration for me (ok, other than a couple days a month due to ragin hormones...but still DEEP down I KNOW).� There are certain things in my life that I am very defensive with...and things I have struggled with for a long time.� They are goals that I have made for myself yet have never accomplished.� I shared my heart with him and try to open up and let him know that I am trying to psuh through, accomplish these things, and yet I still fail.� Now understand that our mentalities are different in this respect.� He says "well baby, if you want to lose weight, then just do it"� sounds so simple and non-complicated and really takes it to its core..Just DO It...sounds like a Nike commercial.� I on the other hand can have determination and will to accomplish these goals for a short while and then its like my fire just burns out.� The problem arises when he attempts to keep me accountable.� I resist it and determine myself not to let his encouragement influence me...its like something inside flips and I get defensive and hard-headed. Where did my fight against 'authority' come from?� So this is where the dying to me comes and where marriage begins.� So the hardest thing to step down from is my pride..."dont tell me how to do something, dont tell me I cant do something - mentality"� This is the most trying of all places in marriage...this is where you decide whether you want a partner in life and if so, you move closer together to accomplish a goal, or you decide to resist the help (my disposition) and move a little farther away from your marriage and the trust and encouragement and friendship--because after a while he is going to give up and not push that button anymore and I fear that I will lose a bit from our foundation because of that.
So partnership...taking responsibility that its OUR life, not MY life...cooperate mutually with him to accomplish a goal...even though its ultimately up to me to actually do it, but to open my heart and mind and soul (letting down my pride) to allow him to encourage, motivate, and even discipline me.� To not take offensive to his sweet pleading..dont clam up and feel like a failure when he wants to stand beside me and help me not BE a failure...dont do it out of spite just to prove to someone that I am ultimately in control of what do, when and how I do it.��
If you know me at all, you know I have been a rebel, or rather have dealt with my pride, for most of my life.� If someone says I cant do something, I am damn well going to do it--within reason of course.� My heart has always been torn because of this.� For instance, I want to a woman of God that people respect and admire and that feeling still comes up when people say "you can be so much more"---for some reason I feel like keeping people from "being right" about my life, gives me some boasting rights about proving them wrong.
There was an instance last weekend where Nat scoft at something I did because he didnt want me to do it---knew i wanted to change and was trying to keep me accountable.� At the time I was defensive...i had no answers when he asked me what he had to do to keep me accountable.� It took me a couple days and it finally dawned on me--it was about my pride and this feeling I had towards him was not anger but resistance, and I didnt know why...now it has a name, and it makes sense to me what I need to do is not necessarily MY plan for life...but the plan that makes OUR life better.

Day One and Two

So yesterday was my first day at my new job. I think I am really going to like it there. People are super friendly and very welcoming. They seem to have a lot of fun all day and I think that will help with the mundane moments. I am a little nervous about what I will be doing all the time, but excited because there is so much potential to be fantastic and my boss already loves me and my designs. He took me around yesterday and introduced me to 40+ people and then I had lunch with all the artists and breaks as well. Ended my day on a great note and was excited and ready to go to work this morning...then BLIZARD (no not the delectible treats from Dairy Queen..we are talking snow here). Granted it was not as bad as the one in december, and actually seems quite mild in comparison, but day two...and I have to call in. I talked to my boss and he said it was ok...really to do what I thought was best, but also told me that I would be sitting and reading the manual he already read to me. So i opted not to brave the weather. Most people would be ecstatic that they could get a day off, yet I was sorta bummed.
I have my own desk that I get to decorate and my own key to get in and out of the building. I feel so professional. I thought that the waking up early would be my downfall, but i seem to get out of bed with no problem (knock on wood) although I am exhausted by 4pm and just want to take a nap. overall I am very happy with the job, although i've only officially been there for one day!
anyway, i thought i would share about my first couple days.

Chrissi

Career Woman

I know I probably should have announced this last week, but I just havent had time. I know I blogged about the job interview with Peoria Journal Star, well I also went on the second interview and they hired me!! My official first day is February 12th. I went through the drug screening and physical and now I have to make it through the first 90 day probation and I am a shoe-in. I am a little stressed, but its a new job, there is always room for stress and anxiety. i am excited though, its a great oppurtunity to work in a real-life setting and get some job experience.
I have to learn some programs I am not all that familiar with, but I impressed them by learning some basics before I went in for designing (2nd interview). I have been sick this weekend and still feel very wore out, but I guess i have to push through and get-r-done.
Sadie is super needy today. she has been right next to me all day. Etta is usually the needy one, but not as much as Sade-ster today. Its cold here in Illinois, like negative degrees and we got snow last night and its still coming down, I think it will get at least 4-5 inches.
well I better get to learning some features of the programs ill be using at my NEW JOB next week. I think the hardest thing to adjust to is that its 8:30-4:45 Mon-Fri. No days off, although its steady and consistent...it will be a super hard adjustment to not make my own schedule, but they pay me enough to bare the sacrifice!
love you all, thanks for the prayers, I just wanted you to know that they actually work!!!
c.ALIce

And it begins....

I got a job interview!! its with Peoria Journal Star as a Production Artist. My interview is on Thursday at 3pm. I am excited that I got a call back, apparently all the hard work with the resume and portfolio paid off. There is also another job I have my eye on. It is a studio install technician for a photographic supply company. I think I am more excited about that job, but haven't heard back from them. This is where I have to trust that God knows what he is doing. Job hunting is hard, what if you get hired with the job you sorta want and then the job you really want calls and wants you...but I guess we should stay focused on the real reason I am looking for a job---stability. Funny what things happen when you grow up and the direction of your life changes.
Nat and I decided to try for kids this year, but I think we may put it off for one more year just to make sure we are ready for one. right now i think it would be too soon, but I am excited about the possibilities in the future (sometimes) still a scary thing to think about.
anyway...just wanted to give you an update!
It was AWESOME to see all of you this weekend...You dont know how much i needed some girl time!!

c.ALIce

WARNING

DO NOT WATCH GREYS ANATOMY IF YOUR DAD DIED...IT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU MISS HIM AND THATS NO FUN

El Fin

I finally finished (well mostly--still needs a little bit more). I did my resume, contact sheets, portolfio and am working on a CD with other related or unrelated material. I must say, I feel very pleased with the overall look and a sense of accomplishment that I completed it. Now I must mail them out!!! Wish me luck and all the prayers you can possibly muster up that I land a good job with a nice salary!!

love you all
c.ALIce

Job

Just wanted to let you all know that looking/applying for a job is like pulling out all your teeth without novicane. I am so tired. I wear myself in the preparation part and am scared to death that someone would actually call and offer me a job. I am pathetic. It should just fall into my lap right? All this work for a job that pays $9/hr...am i not worth more than that? I am a job snob. I dont want just any job. I want a job that I can grow into and with..one that I will be happy with 5 years (rather 5 months) from now. I have my resume done and I am happy with it. Now I am trying to work on my portfolio to send with my resume...not as easy a task I am afraid. I am clueless, which doesnt help. I wish someone would just tell me what to do...cause I have no idea what I am supposed to do!

cALIce

Pathetic

I think most of you have probably given up on my blogs. three months...how pathetic. I cant really think of anything exciting to talk about. So i guess Ill just tell you whats been going on.
As you probably know, I quit virtuallnk in August. My life was so much less stressful and semi-peaceful. Then shortly after I got a job with a photographer in Peoria. I love working with her most of the time (everyone has their days). Trouble is that I only work there part time 15-20 hours a week. Which is good, but not good enough. I talked to her about going full time in January, but it wont be working out like i thought. In order to help Nat with the bills, I had to get another part time job (which actually ends up being 30+ hours a week (you do the math). Some weeks arent as bad as others, but sometimes it is down right exhausting. My second job is a cashier at Walmart. Now I thought that this job would help me meet new people and find friends, but to no avail. It is still a loner job. Cant really cut it up with the other cashiers and most of the time the customers arent so friendly. Plus it is boring!!! The time pokes by like you are standing in line for a ride at kings island. 10 minutes feels like 2 hours. I dont think I have any choice but to suck it up. I consider going to get a 9-5 job, but what the hell would I do? I kind of like the flexibility of working with Ona, but walmart sucks because after 2 years of not having anyone tell you when and where to be at work and being able to make my own schedule, now I have people dictating my life with weekly schedules (that mind you are made 3 weeks in advance!). I feel like I have no control anymore. I cant quit though...I have nothing else substantial to fall back on. I have considered going back to school to get my teachers cert to be able to teach HS, but I am not sure how good Id be at that either. Maybe I should consider substituting first...then i fear they will put me in a room full of 5 year olds and I will suffer an anxiety attack. fear...what a messed up emotion...wont let you do anything!
I am also considering having a freelance design business, but that takes time and money to start up and I dont have much of either!
I miss Ohio. the lack of community aches in my heart and I think I take it out alot on Nat, indirectly. I really dont have any excuse why I dont have friends, other than I dont know anyone. I feel like I am trapped in Nats world, surrounded by his friends, his family and his everything. Could I be losing my identity as Chrissi. I guess I feel I am not categorized but as Nat's wife. No one really "talks" to me. You know, those out on the porch till 2am conversations...those talks about where you are, where you want to be and who you really think you are. those talks of encouragement and even those that kick you in the butt. I feel like i am missing the best times of my friends lives. They are having children, buying houses, making life changes and I am so far away that I dont even know how to talk to them anymore because maybe I feel we dont have anything to connect us anymore but our past (which can only be reminiscenced so much). I dont feel like I am of much worth. What defines my worth? the people that surround me, the pride I have in what i do for a living and how i help others. my worth is defined by how responsible i am and how much i have going for me. Maybe i have my blinders on. maybe i dont see beyond the hopelessness I feel right now. I am 28 years old with a bachelors degree working at walmart. I dont have any motivation and nothing really to hold in esteem right now. I dont feel like I have anything of my own. nothing that is purely mine. I want the determination to change my life. To step outta my comfort zone. to conquer those demons that have haunted me for years; fear, laziness, hopelessness, anger, discontentment, unsettling, lack of drive, irresponsibily...i guess the list can go on and on.
I am tired. its like feeling your feet are cemented to the floor and you can only look at what you could accomplish and the person you would truly be if only you could break yourself out of the mold you've plastered around yourself.
I dont take pictures anymore. havent for quite some time...why is that? i am jealous of those that have the zeal for what i once loved. easy to say "then go take pictures" --- bout as easy to do as carrying the ton pound brick on my shoulder as well.
I realize I have never accomplished anything I was at one time determined to accomplish. What ever happened to the girl that dreamed of owning a coffee shop. Where is the girl that dreamed of bringing people together in community and helping them grow. Where is the girl that was so free from others pre-concieved ideas, that went with the beat of her own drum? Where is the girl that loved to be around people, loved to sit and get to know others hearts and dreams? What happened to that girl? Did she grow up along with society’s pressures of “normalacy”? It makes me wonder whether that girl ever existed or if she too was a figment of my imagination, maybe just a dream of a girl I always wanted to be.
There are some days I want to get up and fight, fight for a life I know I am capable of. Fight for the vision of the woman I see in my head that I could be. I want people to line up at my funeral with utmost respect for the person I was. I want people to want to be like me, to emulate my desires, to be jealous of my zeal for life and love and adventure. I don’t want to wrestle with these demons anymore, I want them to be cast down and go away forever!
Pipe dreams…or is it? Would you recognize me if I truly became who I thought I was destined to be? Would you still love me? Of course you would, you couldn’t resist!!! =)
I am waiting…that’s my problem. I wait for her to just show up. Like one miraculous day she is going to just be me. I know that in order to show her to others, I have to walk down that long valley of change. No one wants to change…its hard, tough, scary. Its so much more comfortable to continue to dream and not achieve than to achieve and experience other dreams!
I am not sure how I feel. I want to be successful at something. I want to make enough money to pay my bills. I want to feel respected and admired. I want to be the person that people go to because they know they will be encouraged and motivated just by being in my presence. I want to love my husband without fear or reservation. I want to be happy in my soul. I don’t want to be tired, weary and discouraged all the time. I want that change to occur in my mind, soul and mind that would push me to grow. People in cinci may see that person, but I feel like right now…in this moment of my life… I am so insignificant here. I feel like I have nothing worthy to offer, and the thought of trying to find a career scares me, and at the same time perplexes me because I cant come up with anything that I am exceptional at doing.
Crossroads in life suck. I feel like I need to get the ball rolling in my life to be able to look back and be proud. I need to take those steps I have always feared to take. Take those risks that may return void. I feel like I have to decide between life in a career of working for others, or working for myself. I need to find balance in my life between work, social and spiritual life. I guess now I feel like I am lacking the later two, and have too much of the unsatisfying remainder. I think I need to emulate that SNL skit “I am good enough, smart enough and doggonit people like me”
I hate feeling discontent. I hate not taking control of my life and making it my own rather than working for people that have made it their reality. I hate being a follower and not a leader. I hate not standing up for what my heart longs for. I hate not knowing what my next step is. I hate living life without vision or drive. I hate not having anything thats mine.
Is this something I inherited…to let life pass me by. To not allow myself to live out of my comfort.
I doubt this is making sense to anyone. It’s a lot of rambling about heart with no clear definition of what it is that I truly want. How do I see myself in 1 year? 3 years? 5 years? Will I still be ranting about what I shouldve done and how life is passing me by and I am accomplishing nothing significant.
I don’t want to be a martyr. I don’t want to heal world hunger, or encourage everyone to be a vegetarian. I don’t want to be a politician. I just want to figure out what my purpose is, I want to establish my life in Illinois and surround myself with people that love and care for me deeply and really ASK how I am wanting to know the real answer. I want to be successful at something other than being a failure. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I see. I don’t want to struggle with the same habits for the next 20 years. I am dying for change, and don’t know where to begin, and that is where the frustration comes from. I see this girl in my head that people take a second glance at for her beauty and spirit and drive. I see this woman in my mirror that I cant barely stand to look at because I don’t see anything worthy.
Call this the pity party of 2006! I have come a long way. There have been substancial changes in my life that I would never have expected 2 years ago. I understand this is a journey that requires patience and endurance. I understand I may never be satisfied. I know that one day, if need be the total breaking down of my will, I will accomplish something. Today I want it all…I am sick of waiting.
Its something no one can help me with. The encouragement drives me to rebellion. I don’t want people to see me in the journey, I don’t want them to help…I want to do it on my own (because I know in my heart I am strong enough). I don’t want them to keep me accountable because that makes me feel like a failure and leads me to just give up again and again. I don’t want it. I want to be awed. Ya know…like going to your ten year reunion for high school…to walk in and be envied. I don’t want to be seen in the dirt and grim of it (which is why I think marriage is so hard…there is no where to hide or escape). I feel the need for a reboot…for my screen to go dark so no one can see whats really going on in the background. And then…..well I think I am determined enough, if only I could get past myself.
The journey is lonely for a time, hard for a while and rewarding for a lifetime. I need to tap into that strength and will I know exists. You know what you need to do to make that strength obvious…something you do behind closed doors that shows your true heart, passions and devotions. Cry out on my behalf. Groan for peace, satisfaction and purpose. Weep for my heart and soul. Stand up for me when I am weak. Grant me the priveledge of prayer. Fast for my stubbornness and pride. That’s all I ask, because I know that its more powerful than all other devices. It withstands the self doubt and weaknesses…it alone can transform the body, soul and mind in an instant. It alone can bring to me the salvation I long for.
I think that’s it…I miss and love you all desperately and I want you to know that my heart aches for your companionship. I am always a phone call away!

c.ALIce

VC Lovers need your help!!

Please pass this one and save Vanilla Coke from permanant demise and its lovers from a lifetime of devastation!!!!
Many of you may know, or you may not, but I am an AVID lover of Vanilla Coke. Its the only thing I drank until it was pulled off the market, off the shelves and out of my life. Pleas help!!!
Go to http://www.savevanillacoke.org and sign the petition to get vanilla coke back!!

They say that their consumers asked for black cherry vanilla...i wonder WHO they are talking to...that crap is disgusting!!

Whether you like VC or not, please support our mission so that we can all live in harmony.

Thanks!!
Chrissi