Or so you would think. I never really did imagine that my life would end up like this, although in my head I always dreamed about it. I have a wonderful husband, that does more than just sit and look pretty and love me...he truly does stretch me to places and to do things that I dreamed about, but could never do on my own. I guess I did find my soulmate. I think that is the definition right?
I think I am going to stop trying to figure myself out. I think that I have a solid idea, then I get thrown all these curve balls. I thought I didnt want to do photography full time, but I have potential for up to 5 weddings this year alone. But most of those probably will fall through (and to no fault of my brides, my fault for not being here). I really have to weigh my options at this point to be here or go and when and how. More on that later.
I thought 2008 was going to be the whirlwind year. In January I thought to myself, this year is going to be crazy, and in ways it was. I went to Egypt, fulfilled a year at PJS, dabbled more into photography and moved to Ohio...one of which definately wasnt planned. 2009 is proving already to beat the shit outta 2008 and its not even March. I have already been to Phoenix, dabbled and had more opps for photography gigs, still "jobless", starting STNA school, applied for Nursing school is US (and abroad), had pretty amazing (in my book) surgery, and now on the verge of possibly moving again...did i mention its NOT EVEN MARCH!!! It really is mind-boggling how my life just unravels. I get this ideal in my head of what life is going to look like, get settled in it a little bit, then BAM! it unravels...not even in a bad way though...good thing that although I am not always thrilled with change, I am not afraid of it to the point that I sit idle. (although I am sure without Nat holding my hand, I would be sitting pretty right here forever!!).
SO the news will come. At some point it will be open knowledge and I will be able to share so much more about what is going on (although some of you I am sure have pieced it together)---but it is still not definate, set in stone, contracted so we need to play it safe and protect what is ours now before we spill the beans and it doesnt work out. i cant imagine how it would NOT work. The waiting is torture. I guess I consider myself a patient person, though some would disagree, I think overall I can hold my own. I am holding out...and it sucks.
When we moved to Cincinnati, we talked about the possiblities on August 18, by Sept 15 we were packing up our house and driving out of town. Everything just fell into place in no time...not alot of waiting or stalls...job ok'd it, found awesome renters, it was amazing. I wonder if all that brought us to this, even without us knowing it. We are in a fabulous position to take this oppurtunity. 6 months ago, this would have been impossible. that is crazy to me.
I guess some people are like that, they can just get up and go, while others are more stable. Stable is not bad...those people are awesome...gives us wild seeds a place to settle for a while. I wish I could give them wings to fly, but maybe they just arent meant to. It takes practice to be risky, and as many times as you do it, it is still the most UNNERVING thing ever. I want to settle down one day. I want to live in the same area for more than a year. I am getting weary of moving and change, but I have had my fill over the last couple years. I just want to catch my breath. I sorta know something about myself though...as much as i think i want to stand and catch my breath, once i took a deep breath and had a chance to look around a bit, i would want to go again. Maybe I am a little harsh on people...but I think its because I want everyone to be like me; with no cares or responsibilities...but even as i get older, I see more and more of that slipping away. Life is meaningless without something to work towards or having purpose. Some peoples purposes are simple to be where they are needed, and others have "itchy feet" and just need to get out and go.
So take this encouragement. Dont try to be anything you are not, but at the same time, dont let anyone keep you (including yourself!) from being who you want to be. You alone are in control of your own happiness and destiny. In the most basic of terms.."fend for yourself"
Thats it
c.ALIce
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Life and its Twists
So i havent blogged in a while. I am sure there is much i should share on her, but being i am such a private person, i decide not to. There has been much change in 2009 and possibility of much more. I am not thrilled with the waiting game, but i am trying to stay supportive. I start my STNA course in March. It is a 3 week course that will get me a certification to hopefully get me a job. Nursing pre-reqs start in april at cinci state...so i will most likely definately be here till June (if the decision is yes to go).
I am still trying to take it easy. I am sore when i overdo it, but I am anxious to get back to normal life.
I have been a non-smoker for more than 40 days and the desire to go buy a pack of smokes has been almost unbearable the last couple days. I thought those were supposed to go away!! I have not failed though, so i guess we can see if I have actually accomplished one of my lifelong goals. Only like 1000 more on the list.
I need to study for GRE, but at this point I am procrastinating because I dont know what tomorrow holds..but I should really take advantage of this oppurtunity to be able to study without other distractions.
Body...Soul...Mind...thats what I am working on...
I am thinking about getting back into church. I really should...i have spurts and i need a refresher course in Godliness. I am thinking the vineyard, but have become to lazy to drive that far...maybe monroe vineyard..maybe ill try that tomorrow. Its more about community right?
all well...just thought i would give a mini update.
bye
I am still trying to take it easy. I am sore when i overdo it, but I am anxious to get back to normal life.
I have been a non-smoker for more than 40 days and the desire to go buy a pack of smokes has been almost unbearable the last couple days. I thought those were supposed to go away!! I have not failed though, so i guess we can see if I have actually accomplished one of my lifelong goals. Only like 1000 more on the list.
I need to study for GRE, but at this point I am procrastinating because I dont know what tomorrow holds..but I should really take advantage of this oppurtunity to be able to study without other distractions.
Body...Soul...Mind...thats what I am working on...
I am thinking about getting back into church. I really should...i have spurts and i need a refresher course in Godliness. I am thinking the vineyard, but have become to lazy to drive that far...maybe monroe vineyard..maybe ill try that tomorrow. Its more about community right?
all well...just thought i would give a mini update.
bye
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Its only been a week?!??!?!
I feel like I have wasted away months of my life sitting and doing nothing...and its only been a week. I havent left the house in a week! AN ENTIRE WEEK!! Pathetic! Tomorrow I have a Dr. Appt so that will get me up and at 'em. But nothing else too interesting. I need to dedicate some time to study for GRE and getting my classes set up and ready to go. I have a long list of things to do and I feel like the time is speeding by and I am getting nothing accomplished, but its only been A WEEK!!! it is the weirdest thing really. I just want life to go back to normal a bit.
So I need to figure out when to take a little visit up to Peoria to visit with the in laws. I am a bad relative I think. I am thinking sometime in February or late March. My STNA classes will be 2.5 weeks in March, so maybe before that or shortly after...depending on when the rest of my classes start...I have to figure out who to give my references to...who would like to be my professional reference? anyone?
So I need to figure out when to take a little visit up to Peoria to visit with the in laws. I am a bad relative I think. I am thinking sometime in February or late March. My STNA classes will be 2.5 weeks in March, so maybe before that or shortly after...depending on when the rest of my classes start...I have to figure out who to give my references to...who would like to be my professional reference? anyone?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Test of Will...
The more I am here at the PPA conference, the more I realize that this is not what I want to do as a career. It is like dreaming to be a rockstar. I would be an excellent rockstar, I have all the great qualities, the talent and the equipment, but I would find more delight in singing what I want to.
The Photographers here are very talented. They are smart and personable...they take great pics and more importantly, they have great retouching abilities. I suppose I am one of those people that runs from things. I fear the failure, but I think more than most, I see the reality of it. When I met Nat, I worked through my fears and once I decided on it, I gave it my all. It was something that I wanted, something I knew would make me happy and I wasn't going to settle for anyone else, despite the issues that we have...its worth it. I don't necessary run from challenges, they just have to be the "right" challenges" I don't want to compromise myself for anything.
When I first decided to go to art school I envied all the people that were trained from elementary school to be artists. People that spent all their spare time and effort perfecting their art. They were fantastic at it too. Their images were miraculous and breath-taking. I font want to take pictures because I am forced to, I want to create images that I want to. I loved art school, but it had less to do with photography and more to do with opening my eyes to see the world in a new light. My most favorite project was the self-portrait one...that is what the angel wings on chairs came from...and then the sculpture classes...I enjoyed it so much because it was art...no matter how much you loved it or hated it..it was a true expression of me. I do not have images floating through my head of toddlers in Tu-Tu's...I desire something WAY deeper than that. I want my soul to be exposed...in my own way, and in a way that is complicated and unexplainable. The thing I loved most about art school was that sense of self-expression...of letting out all that I have bottled in. I have art projects in my head...
I admit that I am talented. I can see things most people cant. I can translate images...but to me it has gotten to many rules in it. I have become my own worse critic. I think one day I will wake up and think that i will love it all over again, but then I am at a point in my life where I cant decide if I ever loved it to begin with or if I adopted that idea to be "that person" others thought I should be, rather than who I truly wanted to be.
I go through phases in life. I am definitely in a self-exploration phase. rethinking why i do what i do, why i shied away from things i shied away from. I want my life, my profession to mean something. I don't want to go through the motions.
Even the CONSIDERATION of nursing school scares the shit out of me. taking the GRE and all that studying and hard work. Up to this point in life, I have never really stretched myself. I majored in Photography...seriously, how hard could a fine art degree be? It was cake. It was a safe bet... there was no putting myself out there, no challenge...i chose it because I knew I could do it.
I am discovering all these aspects of myself that i think I may have inherently knew but suppressed because it wasn't what others wanted. As much as i like the freedom to do what I want...freedom does not work well for me. I need structure. I get NOTHING accomplished if it was up to me to do it. I learn better in a class. I have tried to teach myself several different languages and I barely know English. I do just enough to get by, just enough to say i know something special. I know just enough of a lot of things to "get by". I have never accomplished anything that was hard or challenging. I have been "trying" to lose weight since I was in high school. I have failed miserably for 15 years...why? because it is hard...its a challenge and no matter how bad I want it...I keep myself from accomplishing it because I like the safety of not having to deal with it.
There is a change...I am oddly motivated to take the GRE. I am determined to do everything I can to score high and get into nursing school. I have always been fascinated with the human body, but for some reason i didn't take many biology courses. I remember doing a project in college based on the human structure and its intricate and amazing design. It offers stability, it offers structure, it offers significance. Working with souls, being in an every changing community and being in a position to serve. I have always reminisced the best times of my life were times and jobs that "served" people. Although being a servant is a menial job, putting yourself under someone, in a very real way it is the opposite. Being able to provide for someones needs and wants is like being a CEO of P&G. It is a profession of a self-sense of respect...knowing that you became something to someone that most people would never do. Maybe I have a twisted sense...but it makes sense to me. It is a position of power...like allowing someone to go before you in line, it is not because you think they are better and more deserving, but because YOU regard them as significant and by grace you allow them to shine above you. Not because they are all worthy, not because they did anything to deserve, but because you DECIDED it to be. It is the power of God working in someone to serve in that role. It is not natural or self-glorifying to anyone but to the heart of the servant.
I have spent the better part of this week trying to figure out a schedule to get into nursing school, do all the pre-reqs (and pre-reqs to pre-reqs) and contemplating the profound thought of taking a large test that determines my worth. I read a book...Nat almost fainted. it was a good book (the shack) but just the completion of something. I have not read a book cover to cover in almost 10 years (2000)--and NEVER NEVER NEVER in one sitting!
So here is a list of truths I think I have discovered in my life. They may not be etched in stone, but its a start of asking really hard questions and answering them based on ME and my beliefs, my convictions and what I know about me.
1. I am not inclined to artistic ventures, I have a nature for it, but I do not love going to art museums or sitting around drawing or painting. Art for me is for me, and the thought of it suits me just as well as actually doing it.
2. I have no desire to sell myself for profit. If I was actually good at selling Arbonne or MaryKay or Pampered Chef or etc..i think I would do wonders in my life. But right now I don't feel my worth is marketable or have too much of a heart to serve to be able to charge someone for a service!
3. I require stability, consistency and do NOT like change or the unknown.
4. I love to serve. I am the happiest when I am.
5. People enrich my life and give me purpose, not what they offer me, but what I OFFER THEM.
6. My hearts passion is to light up others lives...i delight in making people feel better.
7. My heart yearns for joy and peace...not because life is easy, but because it is meaningful. That joy and peace can only come from above.
8. I do not seek adventure. I play it safe. I do not like the thought of skydiving, riding on a motorcycle, jet-skiing or anything remotely dangerous that gives me the sense of not being in control.
9. I have a very strong will, but I am more strong willed to fail than succeed (that i dont like about myself). I have what it takes to succeed and the ability to change.
10. I strive to be around people, they ignite my senses. I feel numb and worthless when I am alone or by myself for too long. I am a waste of time...people are the drive, motivation and purpose.
11. I am strong.
12. I am more intelligent than I give myself credit.
13. I lose vision when i focus on others (envying them or comparing myself to their success)
14. Love motivates me and gives me strength.
15. I no longer refuse to fail at my goals.
16. I love to learn about things i am passionate about...i desire to dissect and learn every knick and kranny I can.
17. I am compulsive about order and details.
18. I am young enough to change the course of my life. Where I have been has brought me to where i am that leads me to where I need to be.
19. I regret nothing, everything, whether accomplished fully or not has a specific purpose.
20. I am pure, sincere, loyal and compassionate.
21. I am beautiful inside and out, as i am today.
22. I am a secretive person, I do not share alot of things I struggle with because of my fear of failure, or because I innately desire the "shock factor".
That is my list so far. Feel free to add your own intuition, even if it is something you know but cant see.
I think that is all for today. Quite and extensive nugget of my heart...carry it with pride! =)
love you all and am thrilled that you have kept up with the blogging.
The Photographers here are very talented. They are smart and personable...they take great pics and more importantly, they have great retouching abilities. I suppose I am one of those people that runs from things. I fear the failure, but I think more than most, I see the reality of it. When I met Nat, I worked through my fears and once I decided on it, I gave it my all. It was something that I wanted, something I knew would make me happy and I wasn't going to settle for anyone else, despite the issues that we have...its worth it. I don't necessary run from challenges, they just have to be the "right" challenges" I don't want to compromise myself for anything.
When I first decided to go to art school I envied all the people that were trained from elementary school to be artists. People that spent all their spare time and effort perfecting their art. They were fantastic at it too. Their images were miraculous and breath-taking. I font want to take pictures because I am forced to, I want to create images that I want to. I loved art school, but it had less to do with photography and more to do with opening my eyes to see the world in a new light. My most favorite project was the self-portrait one...that is what the angel wings on chairs came from...and then the sculpture classes...I enjoyed it so much because it was art...no matter how much you loved it or hated it..it was a true expression of me. I do not have images floating through my head of toddlers in Tu-Tu's...I desire something WAY deeper than that. I want my soul to be exposed...in my own way, and in a way that is complicated and unexplainable. The thing I loved most about art school was that sense of self-expression...of letting out all that I have bottled in. I have art projects in my head...
I admit that I am talented. I can see things most people cant. I can translate images...but to me it has gotten to many rules in it. I have become my own worse critic. I think one day I will wake up and think that i will love it all over again, but then I am at a point in my life where I cant decide if I ever loved it to begin with or if I adopted that idea to be "that person" others thought I should be, rather than who I truly wanted to be.
I go through phases in life. I am definitely in a self-exploration phase. rethinking why i do what i do, why i shied away from things i shied away from. I want my life, my profession to mean something. I don't want to go through the motions.
Even the CONSIDERATION of nursing school scares the shit out of me. taking the GRE and all that studying and hard work. Up to this point in life, I have never really stretched myself. I majored in Photography...seriously, how hard could a fine art degree be? It was cake. It was a safe bet... there was no putting myself out there, no challenge...i chose it because I knew I could do it.
I am discovering all these aspects of myself that i think I may have inherently knew but suppressed because it wasn't what others wanted. As much as i like the freedom to do what I want...freedom does not work well for me. I need structure. I get NOTHING accomplished if it was up to me to do it. I learn better in a class. I have tried to teach myself several different languages and I barely know English. I do just enough to get by, just enough to say i know something special. I know just enough of a lot of things to "get by". I have never accomplished anything that was hard or challenging. I have been "trying" to lose weight since I was in high school. I have failed miserably for 15 years...why? because it is hard...its a challenge and no matter how bad I want it...I keep myself from accomplishing it because I like the safety of not having to deal with it.
There is a change...I am oddly motivated to take the GRE. I am determined to do everything I can to score high and get into nursing school. I have always been fascinated with the human body, but for some reason i didn't take many biology courses. I remember doing a project in college based on the human structure and its intricate and amazing design. It offers stability, it offers structure, it offers significance. Working with souls, being in an every changing community and being in a position to serve. I have always reminisced the best times of my life were times and jobs that "served" people. Although being a servant is a menial job, putting yourself under someone, in a very real way it is the opposite. Being able to provide for someones needs and wants is like being a CEO of P&G. It is a profession of a self-sense of respect...knowing that you became something to someone that most people would never do. Maybe I have a twisted sense...but it makes sense to me. It is a position of power...like allowing someone to go before you in line, it is not because you think they are better and more deserving, but because YOU regard them as significant and by grace you allow them to shine above you. Not because they are all worthy, not because they did anything to deserve, but because you DECIDED it to be. It is the power of God working in someone to serve in that role. It is not natural or self-glorifying to anyone but to the heart of the servant.
I have spent the better part of this week trying to figure out a schedule to get into nursing school, do all the pre-reqs (and pre-reqs to pre-reqs) and contemplating the profound thought of taking a large test that determines my worth. I read a book...Nat almost fainted. it was a good book (the shack) but just the completion of something. I have not read a book cover to cover in almost 10 years (2000)--and NEVER NEVER NEVER in one sitting!
So here is a list of truths I think I have discovered in my life. They may not be etched in stone, but its a start of asking really hard questions and answering them based on ME and my beliefs, my convictions and what I know about me.
1. I am not inclined to artistic ventures, I have a nature for it, but I do not love going to art museums or sitting around drawing or painting. Art for me is for me, and the thought of it suits me just as well as actually doing it.
2. I have no desire to sell myself for profit. If I was actually good at selling Arbonne or MaryKay or Pampered Chef or etc..i think I would do wonders in my life. But right now I don't feel my worth is marketable or have too much of a heart to serve to be able to charge someone for a service!
3. I require stability, consistency and do NOT like change or the unknown.
4. I love to serve. I am the happiest when I am.
5. People enrich my life and give me purpose, not what they offer me, but what I OFFER THEM.
6. My hearts passion is to light up others lives...i delight in making people feel better.
7. My heart yearns for joy and peace...not because life is easy, but because it is meaningful. That joy and peace can only come from above.
8. I do not seek adventure. I play it safe. I do not like the thought of skydiving, riding on a motorcycle, jet-skiing or anything remotely dangerous that gives me the sense of not being in control.
9. I have a very strong will, but I am more strong willed to fail than succeed (that i dont like about myself). I have what it takes to succeed and the ability to change.
10. I strive to be around people, they ignite my senses. I feel numb and worthless when I am alone or by myself for too long. I am a waste of time...people are the drive, motivation and purpose.
11. I am strong.
12. I am more intelligent than I give myself credit.
13. I lose vision when i focus on others (envying them or comparing myself to their success)
14. Love motivates me and gives me strength.
15. I no longer refuse to fail at my goals.
16. I love to learn about things i am passionate about...i desire to dissect and learn every knick and kranny I can.
17. I am compulsive about order and details.
18. I am young enough to change the course of my life. Where I have been has brought me to where i am that leads me to where I need to be.
19. I regret nothing, everything, whether accomplished fully or not has a specific purpose.
20. I am pure, sincere, loyal and compassionate.
21. I am beautiful inside and out, as i am today.
22. I am a secretive person, I do not share alot of things I struggle with because of my fear of failure, or because I innately desire the "shock factor".
That is my list so far. Feel free to add your own intuition, even if it is something you know but cant see.
I think that is all for today. Quite and extensive nugget of my heart...carry it with pride! =)
love you all and am thrilled that you have kept up with the blogging.
Friday, January 09, 2009
CamelBack (breaking) Mountain
So today we went to CamelBack Mountain. Nat was reminishing of how when he came here as a young man, he and a friend would take a run up the mountain, so being that none of us had been there except for Nat, we all agreed to go on a hike up CamelBack Mountain. It took a little while to get there because there were no real signs, and nothing on GPS for "Camelback" (ends up it was called Echo or something like that). We finally got there, parked and excited to go on this little adventure...that didnt last long!
I am sure you have heard stories of Cheryl and I trekking it up Mt. Sinai in the middle of the night (over 4 hour climb). All of us trekking up and down mountains in Isreal, and even the beautiful Petra landscapes of rock and long trails (an ALL DAY exploration...cake compared to CamelBack...
It started off not so bad...long winding trails of dirt and man-made steps. Then we go to the other part! It took us OVER TWO HOURS to get up the mountain...climbing over boulders...man-made steps disappeared and all that was left was STEEP inclines of uneven boulders with the need for tricky maneuvering to overcome. There were actually parts of the "trail" that required use of man-inserted metal bars...because without then you would have absolutely no traction or leverage up the steep and often slick incline. We prevailed! We made it all the way up the mountain...being passed TWICE by a guy that runs up and down the mountain 3-4 times a day 6 days a week for the last 13 years! I conclude that some people are slightly crazy, but THAT is PSYCHOTIC!!
It was beautiful I admit,but I spent 95% of the time looking at the ground. At the top we hung out and took in the beauty then back down the mountain we went. Easier than going up, but taxing nonetheless. I cant imagine how much of a wimp i would've been if I had not been going to the gym 3X a week for the last month! I was pretty much the reason for everyone else to take nice long breathing breaks...for me to catch up! Next time I come here I WILL RUN UP THAT DAMN MOUNTAIN!!!
Words can really do no justice, so I am uploading some pictures taken on the "HIKE" -- or MOUNTAIN CLIMBING adventure...
After our 3+ hour hiking excursion, we went to "heartattack grill" for lunch...after climbing up a mountain half the day, I really didnt want a greasy burger...but nevertheless I was HUNGRY. None of us realized that Heart Attack Grill also covers as a strip joint (not really, but alls well had). You can visit their website (heartattackgrill.com) but this picture pretty much sums it up...
I am sure you have heard stories of Cheryl and I trekking it up Mt. Sinai in the middle of the night (over 4 hour climb). All of us trekking up and down mountains in Isreal, and even the beautiful Petra landscapes of rock and long trails (an ALL DAY exploration...cake compared to CamelBack...
It started off not so bad...long winding trails of dirt and man-made steps. Then we go to the other part! It took us OVER TWO HOURS to get up the mountain...climbing over boulders...man-made steps disappeared and all that was left was STEEP inclines of uneven boulders with the need for tricky maneuvering to overcome. There were actually parts of the "trail" that required use of man-inserted metal bars...because without then you would have absolutely no traction or leverage up the steep and often slick incline. We prevailed! We made it all the way up the mountain...being passed TWICE by a guy that runs up and down the mountain 3-4 times a day 6 days a week for the last 13 years! I conclude that some people are slightly crazy, but THAT is PSYCHOTIC!!
It was beautiful I admit,but I spent 95% of the time looking at the ground. At the top we hung out and took in the beauty then back down the mountain we went. Easier than going up, but taxing nonetheless. I cant imagine how much of a wimp i would've been if I had not been going to the gym 3X a week for the last month! I was pretty much the reason for everyone else to take nice long breathing breaks...for me to catch up! Next time I come here I WILL RUN UP THAT DAMN MOUNTAIN!!!
Words can really do no justice, so I am uploading some pictures taken on the "HIKE" -- or MOUNTAIN CLIMBING adventure...
After our 3+ hour hiking excursion, we went to "heartattack grill" for lunch...after climbing up a mountain half the day, I really didnt want a greasy burger...but nevertheless I was HUNGRY. None of us realized that Heart Attack Grill also covers as a strip joint (not really, but alls well had). You can visit their website (heartattackgrill.com) but this picture pretty much sums it up...
Thursday, January 08, 2009
My Man in Black!! Oh SO FINE!!
He does have friends!!! Promise!
In the pic from left to right: Tim Montgomery (lives in Alaska with wife Hannah); unknown; Tom Fulks; Lindsay Fulks (we are visiting them right now in Phoenix, Nat officiated their wedding); my handsome hubby
a couple more from Vogel Wedding
here are some images I retouched from Adam and Andreas wedding. (if they are reading this...you should get your disk by early next week).
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
The ifs and whens of life....
So I have finally decided on this to be my logo (its supposed to be aquablue, but for some reason it is coming up green, but i like it)...and if you dont like it...all well. I have already designed business cards as well. I think its fun to dabble in it and have a brand and some side work, but I have been considering a different career path. I have been really soul-searching and coming to terms with who I am opposed to who I try to be. Its a progress, but I think I am coming to terms with it...and taking it one step at a time.
This year will definately prove to be a year of major changes..starting as early as the month of January. I fear that the year will fly by, it will be challenging and rewarding but I think I am up for the adventure of it all.
I just ask that you keep me in your prayers. I will not elaborate on the details, but pray for sanity, self-control, safety, courage, thirst, ability to retain, and whatever else the Lord leads on your heart.
Thats all for now...I am off to Phoenix, where I am SURE I will have time to sit and blog a bit...I have been doing a lot of soul searching, and there is much to share...if i choose to be transparent.
c.ALIce
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
control....
So since i have been back to Ohio, I cant decide if i am mad because my life got turned upside down or because my plans had to accommodate. There is really no reason to be mad, I am surrounded by friends and family that support me and want the best for me. Carol is definately the most hard-pressing on the issue, she basically wants to carry the photography business so I will stop stalling on it.
I went a couple weeks ago to a wedding with a photographer in Cincinnati. I thought it was fun, sorta. 10 hour wedding days are long and ridiculous...and boring. It was fun to look through my camera and see the image...i even considered for a split second to change up all my equipment from nikon to canon to accommodate a need to fit in(or have axcess to others equipment that may or may not share). I could not bring myself to do it.
1. I know Nikon, I can get inside the and change settings like no tomorrow and i have a fairly good idea what it will do.
2. Carol said something that stuck, and as snobbish as it may sound...Canons are for amatuers...that is totally wrong and uncalled for because there are SO many excellent photographers that use canon...but I like to have an elitest prespective. Maybe one day I will switch, but now, I think ill stick to what i have.
So i figured something out about me this week. Well a few things.
I can't except people to knock down my door with oppurtunities unless i put myself out there.
I found that I am talented, but living a lie.
I found that life will never work how you want it to.
i found that I am way more concerned with success than what may be right.
I get hurt when my friends dont consider me as asset. I have a four-year degree in photography...why would ANYONE else take your pictures? Probably because I bitch and moan and dont make myself available. I am scared to death I will screw it all up or not measure up...then in retrospect i see how much better i am. I think as a photographer you have to be somewhat cocky...I have not been so cocky lately and it has cost me experience. I need to take more pictures, I need to get past this stupid "unqualified" feeling.
I am talented damnit! After seeing some in action, I realized that "its not that hard". I am making a mountain out of a molehill. People appreciate good pictures, I know I can take them....I just need more so they can be properly convinced. the more is hard...i feel like i dont have a lot of time.
Plans change. 3 months ago we were in Peoria, planning how to finish decorating our house, what new project to conquer and conscienciously trying to get pregnant. Why not? We are married, we have a house, steady jobs and its the natural progression of life. We are not 21 anymore, if we want to have the ability to run and play, we should probably have them soon...and that plural so we need time to have, adjust, have adjust...then we move. Bad decision? nah. Hard decision? nah. tough on pre-planned events. yeah. I like being here, I think its best for me and him and our future, but its hard starting over. I was comfortable, life was predictable, i was growing...My plans got ruffled. I live with my sister...which is fine, but not the ideal situation for babies...its already crowded, we cant buy house till we sell the other one, which may be 10 months or 10 years...we havent really even decided if we will stay in Cincinnati once renters move out and we find it difficult to maintain mortgage with living here. its complicated...too much thinking.
Finally, I am a success junkie I think. so i have this job where i have a business that i run for someone else. it pays the bills, and its sorta like working for a corporate society without actually working there. It has its perks. I dont feel super qualified for what I am doing, it is a huge learning curve and requires organization and etiquette...neither of which i have a gold-star in. It will potentially be something incredible...one day...In the meantime I am dealing with the fact its not my dream. I am living out someone else's mighty plans. Its ok though, I get my share, but its still hard...I would rather be doing something for me...something i put off maybe for the rest of my life. I really love photography, but do i want it as a career to get burnt out and hate it? maybe its more to do with the passion of doing it, then doing it full time..
So Nat and I have been attempted to get pregnant for nearly 8 months. Hell, I got it down to the day and calculated the cycle for optimum potential. sad i know...i dont want to have a baby right now. i dont feel like we are in a place in life prepared for it, i think there are other issues we need to figure out...i am not ready to live my life into the hands of mini-me...i need more vacations first! i know how it changes life...i am dumb enough to think it wont -- but it will. I dont want the responsibiblity and i dont see how it fits right now because I havent figured me out yet. despite all that, i want to get pregnant...because i am a success junkie. I want to know that it is possible. i want to know that I can be good at it or something. I like the idea more for the special treatment aspect than the baby aspect. Nat doesnt seem to concerned about not having kids right this second. i know the grandparents are anxious...I just want to know what its like, know that it can happen, and then go on with my life. Now dont go getting all hot and bothered if you find out tomorrow or next month that we have been sucessful in concieving, its meant to be...i just dont have any control over it.
I think that will do for today...happy reading!
Mrs. P
I went a couple weeks ago to a wedding with a photographer in Cincinnati. I thought it was fun, sorta. 10 hour wedding days are long and ridiculous...and boring. It was fun to look through my camera and see the image...i even considered for a split second to change up all my equipment from nikon to canon to accommodate a need to fit in(or have axcess to others equipment that may or may not share). I could not bring myself to do it.
1. I know Nikon, I can get inside the and change settings like no tomorrow and i have a fairly good idea what it will do.
2. Carol said something that stuck, and as snobbish as it may sound...Canons are for amatuers...that is totally wrong and uncalled for because there are SO many excellent photographers that use canon...but I like to have an elitest prespective. Maybe one day I will switch, but now, I think ill stick to what i have.
So i figured something out about me this week. Well a few things.
I can't except people to knock down my door with oppurtunities unless i put myself out there.
I found that I am talented, but living a lie.
I found that life will never work how you want it to.
i found that I am way more concerned with success than what may be right.
I get hurt when my friends dont consider me as asset. I have a four-year degree in photography...why would ANYONE else take your pictures? Probably because I bitch and moan and dont make myself available. I am scared to death I will screw it all up or not measure up...then in retrospect i see how much better i am. I think as a photographer you have to be somewhat cocky...I have not been so cocky lately and it has cost me experience. I need to take more pictures, I need to get past this stupid "unqualified" feeling.
I am talented damnit! After seeing some in action, I realized that "its not that hard". I am making a mountain out of a molehill. People appreciate good pictures, I know I can take them....I just need more so they can be properly convinced. the more is hard...i feel like i dont have a lot of time.
Plans change. 3 months ago we were in Peoria, planning how to finish decorating our house, what new project to conquer and conscienciously trying to get pregnant. Why not? We are married, we have a house, steady jobs and its the natural progression of life. We are not 21 anymore, if we want to have the ability to run and play, we should probably have them soon...and that plural so we need time to have, adjust, have adjust...then we move. Bad decision? nah. Hard decision? nah. tough on pre-planned events. yeah. I like being here, I think its best for me and him and our future, but its hard starting over. I was comfortable, life was predictable, i was growing...My plans got ruffled. I live with my sister...which is fine, but not the ideal situation for babies...its already crowded, we cant buy house till we sell the other one, which may be 10 months or 10 years...we havent really even decided if we will stay in Cincinnati once renters move out and we find it difficult to maintain mortgage with living here. its complicated...too much thinking.
Finally, I am a success junkie I think. so i have this job where i have a business that i run for someone else. it pays the bills, and its sorta like working for a corporate society without actually working there. It has its perks. I dont feel super qualified for what I am doing, it is a huge learning curve and requires organization and etiquette...neither of which i have a gold-star in. It will potentially be something incredible...one day...In the meantime I am dealing with the fact its not my dream. I am living out someone else's mighty plans. Its ok though, I get my share, but its still hard...I would rather be doing something for me...something i put off maybe for the rest of my life. I really love photography, but do i want it as a career to get burnt out and hate it? maybe its more to do with the passion of doing it, then doing it full time..
So Nat and I have been attempted to get pregnant for nearly 8 months. Hell, I got it down to the day and calculated the cycle for optimum potential. sad i know...i dont want to have a baby right now. i dont feel like we are in a place in life prepared for it, i think there are other issues we need to figure out...i am not ready to live my life into the hands of mini-me...i need more vacations first! i know how it changes life...i am dumb enough to think it wont -- but it will. I dont want the responsibiblity and i dont see how it fits right now because I havent figured me out yet. despite all that, i want to get pregnant...because i am a success junkie. I want to know that it is possible. i want to know that I can be good at it or something. I like the idea more for the special treatment aspect than the baby aspect. Nat doesnt seem to concerned about not having kids right this second. i know the grandparents are anxious...I just want to know what its like, know that it can happen, and then go on with my life. Now dont go getting all hot and bothered if you find out tomorrow or next month that we have been sucessful in concieving, its meant to be...i just dont have any control over it.
I think that will do for today...happy reading!
Mrs. P
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
ITS MY PARTY!!!
SAVE THE DATE!!!
When: November 8, 2008
Where: Cheryl's House in Monroe
Why: Chrissi's 30th Birthday Party!
What: Fun, Games, Food, Wii...did I mention FUN!
Who: YOU!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
aarrrr
i am just plain angry...i am angry in my soul...like an unsettling frustration that wont go away. I should be happy to be home. I should cherish each moment of life that I get to spend with my family and friends. for some reason i am just bitter. it feels like some sort of vengeance that feels justified, but has no purpose. it comes out of nowhere...i can be perfectly content and within seconds i am just overwhelmed, tired and bitchy. I think there are pills for this sort of imbalance. It is not fair to take it out on people i love...but maybe in some twisted thought I feel like they are the ones that caused it.
i think i am jealous of others lives...people that have their dreams come true, or my dreams come true in their lives. It seems like it takes no effort at all--that life just throws out the red carpet for certain people. I am lost in life. it feels like coming in from a bright sunny day into the house and it is so bright that you stumble around to find steady ground and all you see is nothingness. its that standing still, knowing that soon your eyes will adjust, but the wait is frustrating....
there is my life...in reality....then there is my life is theory. i had it all figured out. i knew where i was, who i was with and where i was going...now i am just lost. and being lost make me angry.
i think i am jealous of others lives...people that have their dreams come true, or my dreams come true in their lives. It seems like it takes no effort at all--that life just throws out the red carpet for certain people. I am lost in life. it feels like coming in from a bright sunny day into the house and it is so bright that you stumble around to find steady ground and all you see is nothingness. its that standing still, knowing that soon your eyes will adjust, but the wait is frustrating....
there is my life...in reality....then there is my life is theory. i had it all figured out. i knew where i was, who i was with and where i was going...now i am just lost. and being lost make me angry.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
vacation
it feels like some sort of weird vacation. Like I am in some kind of dream. I enjoy being home. I like having my family close--and my friends. The funny thing is that I barely see either set. Nat and I both work from home...him with Accenture and me with my new business. Its exhausting. I really dont mind working from home though. I actually have trained myself enough to get a little bit done during work hours, and not feel like i have to work 24/7. It is sorta a break period right now... i am learning alot of my duties that I havent quite done yet. I am glad to not be designing. I really did not like it. PJS wasnt that bad because it was so easy and I was basically just a clip-art queen. I am much more comfortable with photography.
I went back to Peoria a couple weeks ago to do some photo shoots with a couple of my girlfriends. i realize that i am somewhat unprepared when it comes to doing "natural lighting" with certain backdrops. I would much rather have full control...and there is a way to have a pretty good setup that doesnt require hauling an entire studio lighting set...it is just getting to the point where I can afford to buy it all. One day!
I think that Nat enjoys being here. He doesnt complain about anything...which is unlike him anyway. Its weird, for as much time as we spend in the same house together...i still feel like i never see him.
We are driving to Pennsylvania this weekend to hopefully say his last goodbyes to his grandpa (moms dad) before he passes on. Nat hasnt seen him in 15 years. Its a big step for him to actually go, but I think it is definately more for his mom than himself. I went to a funeral last weekend for my uncle Clyde...he died of almheizers. That disease sucks. So if grandpa meckes dies, that makes 2....and they come in threes -- so I wonder who is next...i TRULY hope not Grandpa Harlan...i would be very sad...=( although i dont know him well or have spent extreme amounts of time with him...i know i am one of his favorites (cause everyone is his favorite..but i like tha personalization aspect). He is really the closest I have had to what i would've had as a grandparent if they werent too old and preoccupied to care about me.
i would really like a monthly girls night. We will have to figure out a consistent day that works well for most people most of the time...like first saturday of the month...i think that will really help to not feel so lost sometimes with everyone...and disconnected. And honestly I need a break from being in this house all the time and who better than with my girlfriends!
well i have a list a mile long and the pillow is calling my name!
love you all
chrissi
I went back to Peoria a couple weeks ago to do some photo shoots with a couple of my girlfriends. i realize that i am somewhat unprepared when it comes to doing "natural lighting" with certain backdrops. I would much rather have full control...and there is a way to have a pretty good setup that doesnt require hauling an entire studio lighting set...it is just getting to the point where I can afford to buy it all. One day!
I think that Nat enjoys being here. He doesnt complain about anything...which is unlike him anyway. Its weird, for as much time as we spend in the same house together...i still feel like i never see him.
We are driving to Pennsylvania this weekend to hopefully say his last goodbyes to his grandpa (moms dad) before he passes on. Nat hasnt seen him in 15 years. Its a big step for him to actually go, but I think it is definately more for his mom than himself. I went to a funeral last weekend for my uncle Clyde...he died of almheizers. That disease sucks. So if grandpa meckes dies, that makes 2....and they come in threes -- so I wonder who is next...i TRULY hope not Grandpa Harlan...i would be very sad...=( although i dont know him well or have spent extreme amounts of time with him...i know i am one of his favorites (cause everyone is his favorite..but i like tha personalization aspect). He is really the closest I have had to what i would've had as a grandparent if they werent too old and preoccupied to care about me.
i would really like a monthly girls night. We will have to figure out a consistent day that works well for most people most of the time...like first saturday of the month...i think that will really help to not feel so lost sometimes with everyone...and disconnected. And honestly I need a break from being in this house all the time and who better than with my girlfriends!
well i have a list a mile long and the pillow is calling my name!
love you all
chrissi
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Final day
So it is my final day here at Peoria Journal Star and I will be SO GLAD when this last hour has finally past. On Monday I had a mammagram done (necessary for a surgery I am considering), and tomorrow I go back for them to check a couple spots, basically the squeezing didnt squeeze enough and they are just double checking to make sure everything is ok. It isnt even phasing me, its pointless to cause I cant do anything to change it if it was something more serious. I need to check on my health insurance and make sure that I can switch to doctors in Ohio. its weird because Nat is technically working in Illinois. Accenture, his company, is very supportive of his move and even trying to get him a job based in Cincinnati. There was one posted at P&G but I am not sure what it is for.
Tomorrow I am taking off work, so today is technically my last day. I am so tired and wore out that I may need to sleep in for a LONG time once we get to Cincinnati. This move has been such an emotional rollercoaster and I am wore out from all the stress and work and worry. I will be so glad when at least the moving part is over...then there is finding a job..and settling in--then eventually having to move again...but at least its a year out (at least).
My wrist have been killing me today. They are burning and hot...I think I have the beginning onsets of carpal tunnel...or some kind of wrist problem. it sucks...cause i will have to work on a computer the rest of my life...and its only going to get worse. I need one of those keyboards like Nat has...origami or something =)
I dropped my car off this morning to the dealer to get some maintanence done so I had to get a shuttle to drop me off at work...i really hope that they get here by 4:30 so I can leave asap. I am supposed to go to Pumpkin Festival tonight to see Sandy for the last time (till I return) and also need to wash the dogs, finish up some last minute packing up and figure out where we are going to sleep on Friday night (because the mattress will be in the uhaul)...
I have been so bored at work for the last couple weeks that it has made this process DRAG on even more...if feels like its been MONTHS and its only been DAYS...
I went back to OB dr on tuesday to check my ovaries again (remember I had busted cyst a month of so ago--it is still bothering me, but the pain has migrated a little north). They did the transvaginal sonogram and she said everything looked fine and the doctor is supposed to call me with more details results....i heard nothing yet....ugh
28 minutes!!! its TORTURE!!!!
all well...everything is cleaned out and I am ready to get outta here.
I need to make a Margaritas Date with kati bird...that is definately something I am looking forward to.
oh funny thing...
Nat and I move on Saturday, Sunday we unpack, Monday he sets up his office and tues, wed and thurs nights the CARDINALS are playing CINCINNATI....i have a HAPPY HUSBAND....cause now instead of driving 3 hours to see them play, he only has to drive 30 minutes....although I am sure we can manage one STL trip in there (jsut as long as they ARE NOT playing the reds!)
15 minutes!!! COME ON ALREADY!!!
well i will see you all in a couple days!!! come help on sunday..1pm (after church) we will order pizza and have some lifting fun!! Please....
=) love you all!
Mrs.P
Tomorrow I am taking off work, so today is technically my last day. I am so tired and wore out that I may need to sleep in for a LONG time once we get to Cincinnati. This move has been such an emotional rollercoaster and I am wore out from all the stress and work and worry. I will be so glad when at least the moving part is over...then there is finding a job..and settling in--then eventually having to move again...but at least its a year out (at least).
My wrist have been killing me today. They are burning and hot...I think I have the beginning onsets of carpal tunnel...or some kind of wrist problem. it sucks...cause i will have to work on a computer the rest of my life...and its only going to get worse. I need one of those keyboards like Nat has...origami or something =)
I dropped my car off this morning to the dealer to get some maintanence done so I had to get a shuttle to drop me off at work...i really hope that they get here by 4:30 so I can leave asap. I am supposed to go to Pumpkin Festival tonight to see Sandy for the last time (till I return) and also need to wash the dogs, finish up some last minute packing up and figure out where we are going to sleep on Friday night (because the mattress will be in the uhaul)...
I have been so bored at work for the last couple weeks that it has made this process DRAG on even more...if feels like its been MONTHS and its only been DAYS...
I went back to OB dr on tuesday to check my ovaries again (remember I had busted cyst a month of so ago--it is still bothering me, but the pain has migrated a little north). They did the transvaginal sonogram and she said everything looked fine and the doctor is supposed to call me with more details results....i heard nothing yet....ugh
28 minutes!!! its TORTURE!!!!
all well...everything is cleaned out and I am ready to get outta here.
I need to make a Margaritas Date with kati bird...that is definately something I am looking forward to.
oh funny thing...
Nat and I move on Saturday, Sunday we unpack, Monday he sets up his office and tues, wed and thurs nights the CARDINALS are playing CINCINNATI....i have a HAPPY HUSBAND....cause now instead of driving 3 hours to see them play, he only has to drive 30 minutes....although I am sure we can manage one STL trip in there (jsut as long as they ARE NOT playing the reds!)
15 minutes!!! COME ON ALREADY!!!
well i will see you all in a couple days!!! come help on sunday..1pm (after church) we will order pizza and have some lifting fun!! Please....
=) love you all!
Mrs.P
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
waiting....SUCKS!
So we made a decision to move, in less than a week we had all the kinks ironed out...now is the waiting..it sucks. I do not want to work anymore, because my head is somewhere TOTALLY and definately NOT HERE! I am tired..I am stressed out...and yesterday I thought we had SO much to do, but in fact, we are really ahead of schedule. That makes the waiting even more difficult. We could seriously move this weekend if we had the truck to move it. We have everything packed, and if its not packed, its because we are still using it. It wont take long to load and leave....get a couple boys over there and we are good to go....and yet we still have to wait....and being tired doesnt help!
less than two weeks...10 days actually...its unbelievable.
and i am tired!
less than two weeks...10 days actually...its unbelievable.
and i am tired!
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