so today has been somewhat productive. i mowed the grass, pretty much my only "chore" per se, even though i do much more. i then went to pick up my girl sarah and we went down to mt adams and i got my hair done. i figure since there is not much in life that is really changing that i need to always be able to do something with my hair. i went a long time and didnt do anything. i used to dye it all the time, had piercings and tattoos. I think i am over that trying to find myself time. it is a little drastic, it is red, brown and blonde. i think it will take me a bit to get used to. i am really tired today for some reason. its not like i dont get enough sleep!
since i graduated i have been in some sort of rut. i dont do anything much creative anymore, and i tend to avoid it. i am trying to teach myself everything i wanted to learn in college but didnt. I anticipated change once i graduated, and it doesnt seem like anything has changed. i decided a couple weeks ago that everyday i would do something for my body, soul and mind. That lasted like a week!! i am trying to get back into it, it was alot easier when i was only working 2-3 days, now i am working 5-6.
i feel very distant from God. I havent been to church in a couple months. i dunno why, i just dont feel like it. i see who i am and i so want a change in my spirit, so as a second resort i went to the hair stylist. i am so weary of the mundane. I want a fresh start. sometimes i feel trapped to be a certain way because of all the people around me. They have been my freinds for 10+ years and i find it very difficult for change in me to happen without them having some sort of comment.
There are so many things i want to do that i never get around to. i realized just recently my false security of having trust in God. in all actuality, my daily routine says otherwise. i keep saying i have trust, but then turn around and try to take everything in my own hands and make it all ok. My big dilemna now is what i really want to do with my life. most days i love my job, easy, good money, flexible, has insurance, but then others i feel like i need to get a career or as my parents call it "a real job." but i make more than most people do with a real job. why cant life just be simple. live to love, love to live. no bills, no debt, no need to live paycheck to paycheck. to truly be able to experience life without the worries of tomorrow.
i am thinking about buying a house, a more of a community place. i plan to live there, and i plan to have roommates. i have people lining up to move in there. i just dont know if i am going to be able to get the loan. it sucks! i love this house in norwood. it is beautiful and i had a dream last night of what it would be like. having my art studio in the garage, doing paintings and wood-workings and then having my photo studio in the basement with a darkroom...such big dreams.
i just dont know what i want to do...where i want to go...who will ever want to be with me...life is so complicated...i just think it should be more simple.
das est todos..
chrissi alice
