Sunday, December 25, 2005

MUST READ

yesterday we went to his aunt and uncles (jim and jackie) with grandma and grandpa, my favorite cousin mike, his wife ruth ann and nats dad. it was great. we had fondue. a chocolate fondue fountain with bananas, oranges, angel food cake, marshmellows. then we have fondue with steak, chicken and shrimp. it was great. sat around and talked, didnt seem awkward at all. when we got there i was greeted with hugs and merry christmas' ruth ann gave me a hug then went straight to my left hand and felt around. i laughed and said "its not there yet" i thought it was humorous.
after we left we went home and sat around. i continued my three day project of cleaning and reorganizing and he relaxed. Later we were playing with the dogs, and i noticed that etta didnt have her collar. my first thought was that sadie had pulled it off of her and it was lying around somewhere, so i went looking for it upstairs. Nat yells up that he had found it and etta comes running upstairs with her collar on, and an added bonus. it was so cute. then he got on one knee and officially asked me. of course i said yes. then he said "are you sure" and i bought out my little black book that i have been keeping. it lists 100+ reasons why i love him, mainly the little thoughttful things he does (that he doesnt even realize). it was very cute, i loved it. my ring is breathtaking. i can hardly stop looking at it.
so now it is official!! i am officially engaged and officially planning for a wedding in May (family only) and a reception. who knows how it will really end up though.
of course i have some pictures for you. what fun would it be with out them.



MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL. LOVE YOU
C.ALICE

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Christmas has been wonderful to me. i wish i could give more to those around me, but i tried to give as much as i could with what i have. there will be a post very soon....a long one!!
c.ALIce

Monday, December 19, 2005

pics





Christmas Gifts

today i got one of my christmas gifts from nat. its a monitor for our computer. now i can work while he plays his computer games. i am so excited!!! its awesome. now i have a complete computer of my own to work on whenever i want. pretty soon dorian will be moved out and i can paint and rearrange the upstairs and make that my room/craft room/darkroom/workspace/etc etc etc.
anyway. he says i have another gift that i get on christmas day, but honestly i dont want anything else. i really feel bad when i get some awesome gifts and i cant afford to get him what he really wants or what i want to get for him. that goes for everyone.
anyway. i also got a tripod and a a headphone thing for my cell phone. great gifts. overall a great christmas.
thats it
oh yeah. i am planning on coming home dec 26th. i am not sure how long i will stay but maybe through new years. so i want to hang out with you guys. sa,maybe you can plan girls night sometime that week.
c.ALIce

Great Weekend!!

This weekend we went down to Cincinnati/Kentucky for Christmas with my parents. I thought it was great! there was soem manual labor but not enough to get all hot and bothered about it. I am glad i could help rather than be a stuffed potatoe. We hung out, opened gifts, went to Dougs (my uncle) for Christmas and nat played Santa, then we had breakfast and drove back home. I dont know why it was such a great weekend it just was. the best part about it was when nat gathered my mom and dad and sisters to ask if he could ask me to marry him. it was adorable. i cant imagine how nervous he was. my dad said no, but by the end of saturday dad was saying "yes yes yes" then he told them all about his plans....sucks to not know, but i think i will know eventually. I do plan on posting some pictures.
Anyway, that was my weekend. i think my family really saw how me and Nat love each other, which was nice. we talked about other stuff too, but ill get to that later!
love you all
chrissi alice

Monday, December 12, 2005

love more and more

everyday i love my babies more and more. etta is getting so big, and their personalities are so different. i cant imagine what it would be like to have children, but i am excited. i mean seriously, the pups are handful enough, and i dont have to watch them every hour of the day, though i probably should. I am not so sure i am totally ready for kids, but i must say, that each day i get more and more excited about it. one day....
i will try to make these short and sweet.
church
went to church on saturday with Nat to Northwoods. we met his mom and her husband there. i really liked it. it reminds me a lot of the vineyard. one of the only things i really want in a church (and because most lack it) is a prayer ministry. Not only a prayer chain, but a safe place to grow spiritually. I believe that prayer is the most powerful aspect of Christianity that is often overlooked. I believe to really tap into the power of God and live a life honoring Him, prayer is the key. i need some work in that area so my focus right now is the surround myself with like-minded and more expereinced people that can guide me. the church is 45 min-1 hour away, which is pretty far. like driving to lexington or something. i may not go as often to that church, but i definately like it.
march of penguins
cute movie, but it is sad to see so many die to survive.
myspace
i rarely ever go onto myspace. yet today i went on and i had a new message. i looked at the name and thought to myself..."i only know one person with that name" i went to his page to see if my suspensions were right and i was. Keith West. I have always wondered to myself what ever became of him. well he seems really happy. he is married with 3 children, in the military stationed in Japan and due home in february. I thought it was great to hear from him. For those that dont know, Keith was my first boyfriend in high school, one of Carols favorite (i can imagine her squeal as she reads this). anyway, thought it was interesting and somewhat off the wall that he sent me a message but i am glad. Its good to know he is doing well.
I think that is it. Life is great!!!
Love you all
c.ALIce

having fun

i really do have fun working on my blogspot space template. I made a whole dollar last month with adsense. hey every buck helps!! i forgot all about it till i was checking my bank account and had a deposit. helped keep me from overdraw!! yeah me!! well not really, but seriously, how many times have you had to pay for bounced check for a couple cents!!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

what if you said....

i was thinking...what if you said "Merry %#^$#&$ Christmas"..do you think they would be offended then? I am about ready to boycott Christmas. There is so much controversy and hatred. I appreciate the Christmas story, but i think this particular season has lost all dignity of its truest meaning. i suppose instead of boycotting the entire season, maybe i can be one of those rare examples of what it is really about. Its not about converting your friends and family, its not about santa or giving gifts, its not about merry christmas vs happy holidays, honestly its not even about going to feed the hungry or spending time with those unfortunate. Those things should be everyday. So what is christmas about? Its a celebration that God was graceful enough to send his son in human form to save us. i almost think that it is sad that we only celebrate that once a year. Thanksgiving isnt a "christian" holiday but I think most people have a firmer grasp on being thankful everyday, but still celebrating being thankful with friends and family that one day a year. I think thats why its my favorite holiday. but Christmas, its lost something, yet it isnt a reflection by any means the degregation of God is people's lives or people seeking the truth of Christ and realizing His sacrifice. I mean HE was born in one day, but he still exists today. Maybe we should celebrate with HIM. Take some time to sit quietly and reflect with HIM how we should go about celebrating this time of year. Maybe instead of making it a spectacle, HE simply wants us to spend time with HIM. Although that again, should be a daily thing. I dunno. How do we reflect what we are celebrating during the Christmas season without being cliche? i dunno, what do you all think?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

church

so in an attempt to find a community here i went to church this morning. I went to new life christian church in morton, its only about 10 minutes away. i was sitting there thinking that my finding a church isnt about where i can be helped, but where i can help others. i would like to be involved in something that is relevant and life changing. I dont want to go to church to appease people, i want to go to church to grow deeper in my relationship with God and encourage others in the process. i was sitting there jealous of the ministry brewing in cincinnati with the crew, yet i know if i was there i would have no place. I was thinking that going to church was a mission for me to reach out to people rather than for people to reach out to me. then the sermon started. the title was gatherings, the first of a 4 part series. the pastor was talking about how we needed to be ambassadors for christ this christmas season, and take every oppurtunity to let those around us know the true story of christ and his sacrifice. my insides were fuming. the entire message was so redundant. i suppose i have had that same thought drilled into me for years. maybe my bitterness for church and my liberal ideas were full force. i wasnt mad at them, i wasnt angry at the people sitting there desiring to coem closer to God. i think i was angry that it was all about the christmas season and that they were teaching that converting people to christianity was our ultimate goal. maybe so, but how? do we do it once a year? do we do it by forcing ourselves to do kind things, that arent from the heart? i am sure they had the best of intentions. my expectations are just too high.
i want to find a place where people are searching deeper than sunday morning. that people desire a lifestyle of living for Christ. i wish i could be that person as well.
Nevermind, that makes no sense at all. i just wish i could go to a church that had relevant messages about my life and where i am and not about the best methods in order to convert/convince people to choose christianity. i guess it bothers me that the sermon was not about creating genuine relationships with people with no hidden agenda.
i dunno what i am thinking. i know i am not going to walk into a perfect church or that it will fall into my lap with no effort. but i think i just want something authentic and not a cookie cutter church to make me feel better.
c.ALIce

moving home

i am sure the title alone has most of you anticipating my return. though i am not sure what i am supposed to learn from this experience, its none the less a irrevocable lesson. I went home for thanksgiving and i was very sad to leave. i love being around people that i love and that love me. i love spending time with my family and seeing freinds and having a good ol time just existing together. i almost dreaded the ride home, back to tremont, back to work, back to no friends, back to nothing really. I was literally crying on the inside because i wanted so much, as i did while in california to come home. to come back to that place where everything is established. you have friends, you have family, you have a church you love and believe in, etc etc etc. But then there is the other side of my heart, which is Nat. I have to admit, i have not made any suffucent effort to go and make friends. I have actually been quite content in not doing anything, one cause i was broke and couldnt afford to even if i wanted to, and two, cause i was consumed by the new adventure in my life, namely Nat. I am amazed how fortunate i am to have him in my life. i dont even think that i can describe in words how awesome he is. i wish that you, my family, my community could really get to know him. to prode into him about his loves and passions and heart. To see why it is a truly chose him above anyone else. So i talked to a good friend about my desire to move back to cincinnati and drag Nat along with me. I guess its the hardest lesson to learn that my life is not my own now, i have committed to him and plan on being with him for a long time, yet it is still hard to put aside my desires. i have lived driven by them for so long. I have all these high expectations in my head, how it would be back in cinci with Nat. then i think about all the high expectations i had for any other adventure I have done; ie, california, campbellsville, covington, florida, russia etc etc etc. They never seem to work out as planned. anyway, i suppose its a lesson on submissiveness. not in a bad way, just a harder way. its alot easier to move back to cinci, get back into old routine with same ol friends, same ol life...yada yada yada. I have made no effort to meet people here. I have been here since august and the only person i know is Nat. sometimes i think i am smothering him, and sometimes i think i am smothering myself. I dont think that my desire is necessarily for people to hang out with. My desire is for ministry, to impact lives and delve deep into my spirituality by creating an encouraging community of like-minded believers that i can touch in less that a 6 hour drive. I put it off, thinking, after we sell the house and get settled, after i get to a certain point in my life, after this, after that. so basically, i have to start from scratch, and no matter where i have gone in my adventures, i dont think i have ever really had to do that.
So i am going to submit to the circumstances of life and stay here. there is no telling how long or even where we will end up. Its like i have to redefine myself as someone other than chrissi from cincinnati, the rebel, the "_______" (fill in the blank). I am redefining myself as Nat's wife, a mother, an encourager, someone that stands up with what is right. I have longed since before i went to california for a safe place to redefine myself. to escape from the constant eye of those that have always been there (no offense). a safe place to explore who i am when i am nothing. what will i do? will i sit passively on the sidelines waiting for life to come to me, or will i make life what i want it to be? will i continue to live my life by my own devices, or will i actually trust that HE knows what HE is doing. Who am i when no one knows who i am? does that make sense?? i will always be me, thats inevitable...but when given the freedom to spread my wings and really fly as an individual, seperated from the old and stepping into the new unknowingly. its like a blank canvas really. i just sorta stare at it waiting for it to paint itself. getting frustrated because nothing is coming. when it all starts with the stroke of a brush.
so staying here is not a curse. its not holding me back, its not preventing me from anything, if anything, it is the clean slate i have been praying for. its all the newness of life at my command, what will i make of myself? I hope that me being here only strengthens my relationships with those back home. that we will talk more, share more, love more boldly...does community consist only in a specific area? can it transcend miles and hours? my core group (you know who you are) will always be. i cant imagine not continuing my life without you in it. i know i need to make a better effort at being closer to you all despite the distance, and i want to be apart of this great adventure in your lives, please help keep me accountable.
love you all
c.ALIce

Monday, November 28, 2005

to be thankful

yeah i realize thanksgiving was a couple days back, but reflection time is now. i am so thankful for everything i have in my life, love, family, friends, work, and shelter. i really miss everyone back home in ohio. i am not by any means miserable here, but i realize how much i have there. i love my family and it kills me that i cant just run home on a whim. even if i wanted to, i dont have a car. i miss going to fridays with emma on tuesdays. i miss dancing on the weekends. i miss monday dinners with carol, cindy and kate. i miss random movies and blue ice cream with sa. i wish i was close enough to drive up to columbus when i KNOW amber needs a hug, and a good friend. i am jealous. i am jealous that i am not apart of that anymore. i am jealous that i feel left out. even when i am there it seems awkward sometimes, that the connection is just not there anymore, or takes more time to renew. i dont have anyone up here that i can just go talk to. granted, i havent really made an effort because frankly i am lazy. but then i think, no one, no matter what, cant compare to those i have in my heart, living back home. i want to be closer to my parents. i want to be closer to my friends. i want to be closer to God. i chose to be here, and i dont regret that at all. i love Nat and i want to be with him, and in order to be with him, i need to be here. just a growing pain i guess.
the weekend went very well. it was nice to spend time with my family. i made an awesome thanksgiving dinner (with help) and played cards and adopted yet another puppy. today, i really wonder how long that will last. they are driving me crazy!!! but cute, which doubled the problem. etta knows when she has done something bad, queeny/sadie is a quiet riot (she looks innocent, but i have seen with my own two eyes her instigate), and shyla is of course perfect. dad isnt doing well. people ask, how is your dad, and i guess all i can say is he is having a good day or a bad day. he will always be sick. i cant imagine how frustrating it is. i feel for him. my honey has been sick, and i feel helpless because i cant do anything about it. he is getting better though. i felt bad yesterday, i knew he wanted to go home and i wanted to stay in ohio and go to a movie with my sisters and see kate, so i drugged him and left him. i felt so guilty because i was not catering to him, which isnt a chore by any means. i think he understood. i think thats the first time i knew what he wanted and did what i wanted despite him....its not a good feeling. its not like i have sacrificed my life and my desires, dont get the wrong idea. i just want to make him happy.
i did write a blog again last week, but of course the internet wasnt cooperating with me. it wasnt alot. just talking about the regret blog (see previous). i know that it is ultimately up to me, and i really shouldnt depend on others or worry about what they will think. but its a special occassion and i want to do it right, and i do have to consider those closest to me. its ok, the blog made it out to be much worse than it is. i was just frustrated.
i am really tired, and i think i am going to take a nap and work a little later. i work much better at night (though my boss says i need to be there in the am for clients, even though i dont have contact with them. psycho i tell you.
i love you all. you all are so special to me, if you forgot refer back to sister blogs. i hold you all deep in my heart and i wish i could be a better friend.
c.ALIce

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

regrets

I have discovered something. I was thinking about regret. I was thinking about there were some decision in life that I wish I could take back. Things I highly regret ever doing. I think that if I could go back in time I would change them. But then I think, if I hadn’t have experienced the things which I regret, then I don’t think I would appreciate what I have now. So now, do you make decisions based on whether or not in 5 years you will regret it? I know that I make decisions spontaneously, but honestly, I don’t think I regret any of them. Life is all about learning from your mistakes, all about living to your best potential. How far do you let others influence your decisions. Should I stall something I really want to do and feel is best for me because I want to make sure everyone is content? Why do people make my decisions so hard to make?

Chicago

Went to chicago this weekend. it was fun. we went to the feild museum, basically a history museum. work is well. i cant wait to come home on thursday, first because it is thanksgiving, my favorite holiday and second because i dont have to work. Nothin too exciting going on. Etta is crazy all the time, excpet for now, she is cuddled up right next to me taking a nap. its good to have shyla around, keeps etta in check.
cant wait to see you this weekend. abbi, you coming up for thanksgiving??? i would love to see you!!!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

daily 11.17

so i have been frustrated with work lately. other than computers crashing and lack of confidence, i just really didnt think i could do anything right. today i got sent some icons to do and when i was done i sent them to my bosses and they actually liked them, they said they were "fabulous" and "perfect"... i dont think that has ever happened. i sent something in and i didnt have to redo it. i was so proud of myself i gloated all day!!!
thats it
carol said my posts were too long, so i am trying to do a little vit everyday.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

11 days later!!

Well i guess i could say that nothing much has been going on, but that would be a lie. I am frustrated with work becasue i dont feel like i have the creative juices to be consistent, nor the knowledge of the programs i am using to be efficient. i know all that comes with time, but its stressful in the moment. i am having some serious self-imge issues. i guess everyone goes through that time where they look and see what they have become and are disgusted. I am not overly overweight. I am not totally dissatisfied with my appearance. But i know i can be better. I see in my head how i want to be, but just cant seem to muster up the determination to get there. I am tired all the time, and i have a pretty good hunch why. i am trying, but trying doesnt seem to be enough. i am stepping into a new life, i feel like i am getting a fresh start in a lot of ways, and i want to be the type of person that takes advantage of the oppurtunities in front of me, rather than let them pass by. Which brings me to Arbonne. I have been praying for a while that God would bring something into my life that would give me freedom yet still pay my bills. I really like working for Levi, despite the stress. But i want something else too. I am not sure who, if any have hear of arbonne (katie i know you have). But i really believe its something God has put into my path for a reason. I have talked candidly about it to a couple people and they are like "oh really, i was thinking about getting into that too." That amazes me. I usually recieve such resistance when i think i am trying to sell something. But i really think that this sells itself. It is a great product, and the more i know about it, the more i really think i could be good at it. Please pray for me about this decision, and also pray whether or not you have a place in it. Its like anything else, network marketing wise, where you have to build clientele and your own personal business. I am a bit weary of that, because i really dont like pushing things onto people, but i think its different when you actually believe in what you are promoting. So I am asking each of you to bear with me, and please support me, dont dismiss it as one more of those door to door sales people. I have never done anything like this in my life, so i guess that should say something. Prepare yourself financially, in case you come to a party and are interested in purchasing. I dunno. We will see where it goes I guess.
I really want to get into a church. i need to somehow establish myself in Illinois and make new friends. It is really hard to do. I have gotten prety accustomed to nto going anywhere or doing anything, but i also think that i am getting bored. I find myself going into a slight depression. I know i have great friends home in cincinnati, ans also abroad, but i think i need to get more involved here. Its great having the encouragement from afar, but i also need a social life beyond Nat. Ultimately spending every free moment together will drive us both crazy. I feel bad that i dont keep in touch with many friends. I should call people I havent talked to in a while. i should be more consistent...(appears to be a trend in my life). I am not lonely, I am more so in need of people, i need to minister and be ministered to, and i am not fulfilling that passion in my life right now. I am not the type of person that sits around, though it has been very nice as of late. kind of like a vacation from life. Although life is still going on. It was a long quiet moment, and now i am ready to get back into life. I dont want to waste it, I only get one.
yes, ya know i cant go a blog without talking about him...Nat...he is still wonderful. I find it awkward sometimes trying to figure out how it all happened. I have no reservations or doubts, but i can sense it in others sometimes. I am not sure sometimes how to go about talking about it with certain people. I feel as though they dont approve/understand. I am sure that is my imagination talking, yet the feeling is still there. that makes me weary. Its not their decision, it is ultimately my life and everyone wants the best for the both of us. I have no idea what i am doing. I have no guarantees that it will last a lifetime, or 6 months. But I am not about to waste my time either. It is amazing how well he fits with me. How well he communicates with me, comforts me, loves me. sometimes i doubt that he really knows how much he gives me, and i fear that i am not giving enough. i will marry this man. thats not the issue. but the when and where and how...GOD how stressful! I went dress shopping and realized that its just not me. Mom says i shouldn't even think about marriage till i have a ring. yes, i would like one, but whats a ring 6 months before a wedding or 6 hours. We have openly committed our intent, isnt that the bottom line? Nat's mom approves of eloping, but there are future ramifications to that, whether spoken or not. The best part is the celebration with family and friends, a really good excuse to get together, why all the hoopla? simple, elegant, romantic, sincere and festive. I am slowly coming to terms with what i really want, honestly i hadnt really thought about it, though i remember when i did, it was small and simple with a big party. i really dont know what i think about weddings in general, open commitment to others to prove you want to be together, yet honestly and sincerely, its to make the committment official. one day at a time. the thought of it makes me nervous and stressed out. to much to take into account..flowers? cake? DJ? photographer? who to invite? invitations? dress? shoes? tux? location? location? location? when? how? AUGH...it will come in its due timing.
etta, the new puppy is adorable.

she is a little rascal, but becoming very friendly. she will actually come to you and cuddle for a bit, then its off to harrassing shyla. i think shyla gets really annoyed, but still keeps her cool and is somewhat protective of her. its adorable. i hate when they fight though, even if its play fighting because it sounds like they hate each other. But they both emerge alive, so i guess thats a good sign.
i added these google ads to my site. they pay you to do it, so i took advantage of the oppurtunity to make some money. all i had to do was sign up, then i totally redecorated the site to accomodate. i am so talented.
tim, nats best friend, has been in town this week. he is fixing our computers. last night we played poker and shaighai at josh and brin's. i feel like i should make more of an effort to really make more time to spend with them. they really are alot of fun, but still rather awkward (for me at least). monday night we played scene it (the one i got for my birthday..thanks bird family!) it was fun, i actually knew more than i thought i would. last weekend i went shopping, they have these amazing places called malls, and in these places they have things called stores, and there you can buy stuff!! whoa! i really didnt buy anything, but it was nice to get outta the house for a while. this weekend we are going to chicago with josh, brin, and tim. i think it will be great. great chance to really get to know them and have a good time. Friday night is poker, and i think i am going to take the pot this time. well there is always dreaming...but ya never know! its hard to play against Nat, because he bets on everything, so i cant really rely on pushing him out and betting so high it will make him fold. all well. i can only get better right?
next week is thanksgiving. i am excited, should be a good time. going to pflederer thanksgiving, like 80 people...like thanksgiving at the burchetts!! then driving to cincinnati and then back here. then nessa comes in like 3-4 weeks. i hope i get to spend some girl on girl time with her. i especially feel bad not keeping in better touch with her. she is a great friend and we have so much in common. i guess in some ways i figure she cant get rid of me if she tries, i mean i do intend on marrying her brother (she's got to think that is awkward!!=)).
it snowed for the first time today, and it is COLD outside!!!
well i guess thats about it for now. congrats abbi on the curves thing, sounds like it is going well for you. love you all dearly and deeply, dont ever forget that!!!
c.ALIce

Thursday, November 03, 2005

right way

so today is my birthday, happy birthday to me!! i am 27 today, and honestly i dont feel that old. who knew when i turned 26 that one year later so much would have changed. who thought i would be thinking about marriage and wedding plans?? ya'll know its inevitable, why wait? dad is not doing well. that concerns me to a point because i want him to be at my wedding, then the other part of me doesnt want anyone there. i just want to get it done. i tell him everyday how i feel, and i hold it as personal and intimate between us. i dont know that i am all that comfortable with sharing with others around. we have basically decided to have a very small wedding, family only. then have celebration parties (sorta like reception) in cinci and illinois, so family and friends can celebrate with us. its all too stressful, even the smallest of weddings. i know, deep in my heart, that i dont want to be with anyone else, yet weddings seem more like making others happy, feels almost like proof. but i sway both ways. a wedding with friends and family, traditional and momentous would be nice, though i sway much more to quiet and small. who really likes the wedding ceremony anyway?? it really is more about the reception. there is a part of that that seems more prepared, though i am spontaneous, why go against my nature? I do want a ring though, i have it all picked out...its beautiful!! i just want to do it my way. funny thing is, i am ready for the marriage, but freaked out by the wedding. who knows what will happen.
dad was taken to hospital yesterday and they were going to admit him, but something about not having authorization so they sent him home and called him later telling him to come back to ER, and dad was like "ah, ill go tommorrow"...he's so stubborn, but i guess that is my dad (dont know where i get it from). mom and cheryl are worried. i'd really like for my dad to meet Nat. I think that is the most important part. i think about years from now, when my dad probably wont be here, and you want him to, but then i realize that he will always be with me. Not all hokey, guardian angel, but I am like my dad, and though i would love to share in all my moments in life, his love and acceptance will always give me peace that he shares in my happy and sad, because i share in my happy and sad. maybe its less about him actually being there for me, but me allowing him to be there.
i think too much.
i really do.
i am excited about my party on saturday. i hope a lot of people come. i know it will be fun.
i hope mom and dad can make it.
i have court today. not so excited about it, but it has to be done.
i will do it my way...just have to figure out what my way is.
c.ALIce

Monday, October 24, 2005

Birthday Party November 5th



Here is an invitation to my birthday get together. Its going to be November 5th (thats a saturday night) at the house in Monroe. Call me if you need anything. We will probably playing some fun games and having nice talks. I am excited. It will be a great chance for me to see and visit with everyone while i am home. PLEASE COME!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

100 Things (carol put me up to it)

1.When I was little, I used to hold my breath till I
was blue when i was mad. that went on until one day
my mom let me faint.
2. i used to push my sisters buttons growing up, get
her to the point she wanted to attack and ran and
locked myself in the bathroom (she only caught me
once).
3. i have a degree in photography, and work in graphic
design.
4. i have studied (yet am NOT fluent) 5 languages
(Russian, German, French, Spanish and Arabic).
5. I am fluent in English.
6. I used to watch Buffy, my excuse was that it was
bonding time with my sister, in reality, its a really
good show.
7. i moved in with my boyfriend within 10 days of
meeting him, and we live in Illinois, and i am ok with
that.
8. I lived in Los Angeles for nearly 3 months thats
where i met my boyfriend.
9. I love thunderstorms and sitting on the porch when
it rains.
10. New England Patriots are my favorite team...and i
am not a bandwagonner (if thats a term)
11. I end sentences with prepositions to tick my
"bachelors in english" degree sister off.
12. I have "dated" less than 10 people, yes in my
life! (dated as in went on a date, and even some of
those are questionable)
13. I have only kissed 5, only two of which i dated.
14. I am considered the black sheep in my family,
though i am far from it.
15. I have smoked pot 4 times, all of which i got
sick.
16. I have been drunk 4 times, but i remember what i
did.
17. I have had my tongue peirced 3 times, and peirced
my lip myself.
18. i learned most about sex and masturbation during
my 6th grade summer at northwoods park.
19. I love horses.
20. I consider my great aunt lucille my grandma.
21. I never really knew my real grandparents, by the
time i came around they were either old or dead.
22. I am the third of three girls...and we are the
best family on both sides!! =)
23. my sisters are my best friends.
24. I played volleyball in high school until senior
year, where i opted to be on the swom team (although i
had never swam before).
25. I am usually pretty good at whatever i do.
26. i dont like to read.
27. I have been to Israel.
28. I have been to Jordan.
29. I have been to Russia
30. I long to go to Italy.
31. I am in love with Nat Pflederer
32. I believe deeply in God, and think that many
times we miss out on His fullness.
33. I dont enjoy church, most of the time.
34. I failed my drivers test the first time
(manuveability)
35. Passed it the second time (smaller car)
36. I had gotten 5 speeding tickets, pulled over for
not having front license plate, for having someone
hang out my sunroof. Been in 1 accident with another
car, and another by backing into a parked car (the
latter of which had more damage).
37. i consider myself a good driver.
38. I am really laid back.
39. I dont like to make decisions, cause i dont like
conflict and dont mind doing anything, so it really
doesnt matter to me.
40. my favorite type of music is jazz (this week)
though i listen to anything from hip hop to blues.
41. I am scared to death of failing, so much so i
dont try.
42. Art school was one of the best things to happen
to me.
43. I have never met a celebrity, and honestly dont
care to.
44. I am a scorpio, and thats supposed to mean
something.
45. My favorite movie is BraveHeart
46. I smoke cigerettes (camel turkish silver), which
is probably why i am considered a rebel.
47. I despise family functions (other than immediate
family)
48. The only books I own are "how to" books
49. i love the smell of vanilla.
50. I threw up on Brian Durham (biggest crush) in
high school.
51. Incapable of giving blood ( i have tried several
times).
52. I have driven cross country twice (to LA and
back)
53. I have incredible friendships with people. Their love and devotion is deep and fatithful.
54. I never went to Prom.
55. I was a Homecoming Nominee for "Solid ROC" the only christian club at school, and the only female senior. It was a horrible expereince.
56. The guy nominee with me is now openly gay.
57. I am a picky eater.
58. Favorite thing in the whole world is blue ice cream from kings island.
59. I love random road trips.
60. I played Viola in 5th grade and clarinet in middle school.
61. i have 2 tattoos, and have 5 more in mind
62. I have more of a heart for christians than non christians
63. I want to be a stay at home mom.
64. i am not afraid of death, or much of anything for that matter.
65. I highly avoid conflict.
66. I shut down when people talk down to me or in a condescending voice.
67. yelling is for football games, not conversations.
68. i hate to be in the presence of people that "bicker" whether play or not.
69. I used to write poetry.
70. Painting is the most relaxing art form
71. I dont cry but maybe twice a year
72. i used to have a VERY short temper
73. I cannot and will not follow someone i dont respect.
74. I respect Nat.
75. I have issues with male authority figures in the church.
76. My pastor once told me that I didnt need to get saved, again (apparently he believed more than i did that the prior was sincere)
77. I feel that many christians need a good spanking.
78. my first car was a 85 mercury topaz, when we gave it away, the driver door didnt open, the headlights were duck-taped on, there was no reverse (so you better have parked on a hill facing down).
79. I like living in the country more than the city.
80. I want to have a garden and grow my own veggies.
81. I am a simple minded person, i dont need much to be happy.
82. My favorite band of all time is "the doors"
83. I have a pair of shoes that i have had for nearly 5 years (or longer) that i have only worn 3 times.
84. I am somewhat resentful towards my mother, but have come a long way to get over it. She is human too.
85. My dad never came to any of my sporting events
86. Mom barely did either.
87. Its ok though, I was a bench warmer. Not for my lack of skills, but for my attitude.
88. I still remember the best play i ever did, when and where.
89. Crushes on boys was the only thing that got me up in the morning to go to high school.
90. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
91. I have learned that i really like to cook, and i am good at it
92. I currently dont have a car. I like it.
93. I love developing my our photos in a darkroom
94. I am very critical of myself.
95. I take pride in being a trusted and non-judgmental friend
96. No one knows everything about me, and only one has come close
97. I have a hard time recieving charity
98. I always feel as though I have to work or eventually pay back peoples generosity towards me.
99. I regret kissing anyone other than Nat
100. I think that holding hands is very intimate
101. Favorite parts of my body: eyes, smile, legs and neck...everything else could use some work
102. My favorite flower is a red gerbera daisy
103. I am highly allergic to rabbits, and mildly to cats
104. I want to live in a different country
105. I would like my children to be multi lingual and cultured
106. I am quite the procrastinator
107. I am somewhat anal, i guess you could say passively anal
108. i love crab and chicken divan.
109. I scared my mom will die before i can take full advantage of her wisdom.
110. I think my family is perfect.
111. I love natural cheetos, and my greatest fear is that one day they will stop producing them. =)
112. if i think of more, i will continue, but i cant procrastinate working any longer.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

daddy

Carol posted about dad and letting go. The post made me sad, but didnt make me cry. Is there something wrong with me? I am sad, but i think that i had come to terms with it a while ago. I feel like i have gained much from him. I have spent the most time with him, but in a different way. I think more that i feel guilty that i took it for granted for so long, but to spend time with dad is work, literally. I dont think i am resentful because much of what i know and who i am is credited to him. I am sort of at a loss at how i should feel. if i say i am not sad, then i am evil, if i say i am, maybe i am lying. honestly, i dont think i would give his lack of health a second thought until mom and cheryl and carol bring it up. I love my daddy, and of course there are many things i want him to do and experience in my life, but i think in order to not let it get to me, i have to come to terms with that fact that he might not get to experience those things here. I agree with Carol, I want him to be happy, i want him to be able to take a deep breath and build as many fences as his hearts content. That I think is more of a comfort to me than him being miserable. Life will take its course, and death with it.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

finally home

last week was very draining. monday my computer crashed hard, so hard that it wouldnt come back on and i had to take it into the apple store for repair. i will get it back on tuesday, i am so excited. i miss it. i just hope that it will be okay when i get it back. i really need to get some work done! i think i will have to invest in some more memory and i need to get the OS upgrade. cant do that till i get paid though. ugh. never get ahead. i am really tired, and i have alot to do to get back settled in here. nice to be home.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

great site

thought this was a great site...
http://bigoldgod.blogspot.com

Thursday, October 06, 2005

good day (for me)

i am definately someone that thrives on affirmation. i need to be told, reminded, convinced and i have to have it re-inerated like a thousands times. when i started working with levi, i was already doubtful of my ability...i mean i have never worked in a graphic design anything, my degree is in photography, and i dont even feel adequate in that. i was also coming in under the "Master" joshy (pronounced JOE-SHE). i have to admit he is amazing. and i am determined to surpass him, one day at a time. so yesterday he gave me the complexity of making an icon from a picture of a car..it is WAY more than just tracing. i have about 40 different layers of tiny shapes to get that effect, but i guess thats the best way to go about it (cause they is how Joshy does it). so today he left for school as usual and i was given homework (like always, didnt think this was a vacation did you?). and i made some logos, and they are good...levi even said so. called me the "logo gangster" which is good. i was so proud of myself, i got the affirmation that i so desperately needed to reaffirm that i am talented and able and that i will be successful. i am not scared anymore to take on another task, i am more so eager, to learn more and more, and eventually be one of the best. i am even aweing myself. i sit and look what i did, and say outloud "damn i am good". haha

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

cut out for something

i know that i am cut out for something in life. i know that i meant to do and be wonderful and extra-ordinary. I really like working in graphics, but i am at such a disadvantage in comparison to my master teacher. its a bit overwhelming, and everytime they have me do something else i get a chill up my spine and an instant doubt of ability in my heart. i wonder where that comes from. it doesnt prevent me from doing it because at this point it is my means of survival, but at the same time, am i really where i need to be if i feel this way.
its a great oppurtunity, and this company (if it keeps going the way it is) will grow tremendously over the years. so being that i am literally the third employee (levi:owner, Joshy:master, me: amatuer), i am excited to be apart of it. what will the future hold. i just feel like everything i have ever wanted has fell into my lap in the last couple months. what did i do to deserve it all?? dont get me wrong, i am happy, but at the same timei am scared that it will all just stop one day...what establishment embedded that into our minds? church? school? society? why do we somehow inately feel that if something is going right it is bound and determined to be destroyed (because somehow life isnt "allowed" to be happy and simple. i dunno, but whoever it was should be shot!
well the trip is worth it, i am really learning alot, and more so encouraged and determined to surpass my teacher. i think that is my competitive spirit, cant allow anyone to be better than me. i dunno when i got that mentality, but i have it. i think it is really taking the oppurtunity and working hard to make something i want happen. now that i am in the place where it is right in front of me. i am determined to not throw it away for no reason.
one thing...(for all my girls that know what i am talking about)...WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING???? talk about settling!! for the comfort of all, the one i have now is FAR FAR FAR (times infinity) AND BEYOND more suitable for me. though i am grateful we are still friends, OHMIGOD, a girl can really convince herself of the most insane things. i think i have walked around life talking my heart into things, convincing it of falsity even though it knew, oh it KNEW, but practically forcing your own soul into isolation and desolution to get what you thought it wanted. how much easier life would be, if we could be so intune with our hearts, souls (thus ultimately creator) in order to truly know what to do, becasue i really think "we know" what we REALLY need to do. our soul tells us everyday, it longs for it with each breathe, we just look for other ways to accomplish the same affect but in the long run, after the heartache and hard lesson, we come back to the same place, where we decide, do we do what we KNOW we need to do, or do we try to find one more thing to occupy our hearts and thoughts in order to avoid the commitment to it. you know what i am talking about....what do you do in order to "run" from what you know is what your heart and soul long for? do you move to another city, thinking if you could just get a fresh start...do you worry about everything, work, school, career, where to go to dinner, what movie to watch?.....do you keep yourself so busy with anything and everything (even though sometimes it may seem "religious" and "worthy")?...do you find someone to spend your time with in order to talk and share openly about what you heart really wants? do you go to movies? run around the block? drive in your car? watch tv? ... do you stay away from people that may actually challenge you? do you go hang out with others that could care less either way?...do you just sit? read other books? paint? draw?... do you search adn search for a "Church home" and nice "christian community" in order to feel encouraged?...do you rely on your current circle of friends to guide and direct you (cause they have to have the answers, because they seem to have it together a helluva lot more than you do...and everyone knows that others peoples opinions are etched in stone as far as truth and insight.)...do you talk on the phone? do you invest time and money into service ( and when you do that, are you doing it because you want to feel good about seeing others less fortunate)...why dont we servant evagelise every saturday morning at golf courses? why do we go to homeless parks and corners of "less fortunate" people?? just a thought? why, even in our ministries, do we show bias...do people with money have less of need? Bible says the serve poor, feed hungry, go visit captives, take care of elderly....yet because its easier for a camel to go through eye of a needle...ya'll know the verse...i just wonder. you have a dream, your heart longs for SO much more, and something is holding you back, and that is probably you. You have a purpose, your heart is specifically designed for it...thats why each person has such unique and dynamic talents and abilities, did you think that is a fluke? what makes your heart jump? what brings about passion in your conversation? what is constantly on your mind? what thoughts of splendor do you contemplate on? why do you wait? why do you sit and wait for the best timing? i think that if you have the desire and the means, do it....waiting is just another excuse. if you never take the step of risk, and trust that even if your timing is off (do you think he will let you down?? especially if you are drawing towards him?)
there ya go, your encouragement for the day. something to ignite that fire in your souls...cause even though you may have poured water, sand, baking soda and tried everything to smother it out, its like Elijah's Fire from Heaven, it is still ignitible...just got to take the risk.
love ya
c.ALIce

yeah yeah, take your own advice.

Monday, October 03, 2005

flOOOOOHHHHrrridddaaaa....(zzzzZzZZZ)

i am exhausted. nothing like spending all day in an airport to make someone veering to get to work. i am tired. did i mention that? i have been tired alot lately actually, cant figure out what my problem is. i miss Nat. Two more weeks, thats all...then i can get a hug, and a kiss. Its amazing how much you can miss about someone. I am sure the vacation is doing him well, but I am anxious to get "home." so i started this little project, but I cant talk about it. i know, im evil, but i dont want to ruin the surprize!! I have been in Cincinnati all week pretty much, but unable to go anywhere because of my lack of transportation. It makes me feel helpless, but at the same time i really like it. i like not having the burden of a car payment or an insurance payment, there is a certain freedom in that. It doesnt make me want to work less, or unproductively, but it just allows my money to go elsewhere. The story is long and drawn out how i got here, why i made certain decisions and so on and so forth, but its my business.
i really feel like i am in a great place in my life. like i have been given a new start, with a companion to deal with me. i feel bad though. i feel in the process of pursuing this new avenue of life that i am slowly letting go of who i used to be. i have changed so much over the last 6 months, and learned much about myself and what i want (and that not being based on others opinions). i almost feel at a loss at trying to reconnect to people. i dont feel like i have anything to say, my life has changed. it has become what i didnt like about other friends, all the talk about one person, and in an effort not to be that person, i just dont say anything at all. honestly, i love talking about my new found passion, but dont want to wear the subject out so much that people get sick of it. its weird when life changes. people have a certain hostility to the change. though they are happy for the experiences and the new adventure, they are somewhat selfish...almost making one feel guilty for moving on. its not bad. i truly treasure all my friendships with people, but i am not sure where they will end up. i will have to make new friends in illinois, and that will change the dynamics of the friendships i currently have. i guess i dont write on here much anymore because i feel like i dont have much to say. I share most everything (if not everything) with Nat, which means i really dont have to talk to anyone else.
i really think this job was made for me. i still have much to learn, but i am confident that i will eventually catch on, and hopefully in not too far in the future that they cast me aside as a lost cause. i think i can be very successful in this business, but i have to put 150% into it, and that takes discipline and hard work, but it makes it alot easier when it is already something i am passionate about. it incorporates all these things i am good at...and yet it is still challenging and open ended. i really want to take this oppurtunity and go with it, and not slack and miss it.
see how it just seems like life is working out. I am seriously in awe of how much i can love one person, and how much i feel secure in a relationship with a guy. i am in awe of the timing, of both the man and the job. what could i possibily had done to make this happen, it was totally out of my control. I am just glad that I am working out the pressure to do what people think you should do. what do i really want? I dont want to miss out on things because i dont want to put anyone out (including my future husband). i have become so passive, its not bad, i like it, but i also dont want to miss out on anything because i want to make everyone happy...see how that "people pleasing" just creeps right in.
so what do i do? how do you figure out what you really want and how you really want to do something when you always have people giving their two cents. last time i checked, i was living my life. its so aggrevating, its a constant battle for me.
yaknow, i really feel like i am in a place where i want to get back on track with God, and its not for the usual reasons of "getting right because i was in the wrong" but I want to because I want to live a full life. I want to experience everything within the context of HIS love, because it is always better that way. Its for me. Not for anyone else. I went to church on sunday, and i had been dying to go for a while, and i was sitting there remembering why i barely went when i was in cincinnati, because it felt so lonely. I dunno, I want my relationship with GOD to be a different level, beyond just going to some random church because I feel like i need to, though i understand the importance of its community. I want to go so much deeper, and most churches dont offer that kind of experience, its something you truly have to seek out on your own. one thing i loved about the vineyard was the classes (like prayer training) which gave you a safe place to explore the depths of God beyond sunday morning. thats the kind of life i want, to dig deep into the heart of God, and in doing that, give others a safe haven to go deeper. I want to see others see God as a person rather than a deity. To allow HIM to penetrate their lives and hearts, which in turn transforms a life of a pharisee to a life of a disciple. To make it real and genuine and not just another thing to do on their "to-do" list.
one day at a time. thats all you can really do. cant have too many expectations. but to make the most with what is given and right in front of you.
love you all
c.ALIce

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

i am fine, promise

carol was sorta getting on me because i havent written in a while but no one really has, doesnt mean that life doesnt go on, just means that life either got too complicated or too busy. mine is the latter. about two weeks ago i started working with levi, which is briefly explained in my other entries. basically i am designing anything from logos to websites (for now). i have done several brochures and various other projects. i feel a little overwhelmed right now with the conclusion that college sucks and i spent too much money for nothing. but i have learned so much in the process. i am a bit frustrated because i feel like such an amateur, but i will survive, because it is something that i really want to pursue, and it is worth it to get where i want to be. its just alot of teaching yourself, refershing yours memory and getting creative again. i really like working from home, its much harder that way, one must be more determined, but i love it. levi is great, i like much better to be his friend, a lot less drama and heart ache, and since i met Nat, i really look back and think "what the hell was i thinking" levi is still a great friend, but i am glad i am over that. and i know all of you agree.
i have been working at jonahs, hating it. i am not sure i will go back after my trip. oh yeah, the trip. i am currently in ohio, staying at home (well, sisters) for a week then flying down to florida to stay with levi for training, then i will go back to illinois. its the longest i have been away from Nat, i think we will survive. That is still going great. I cant believe i have stayed with one person for this long and not fought or gotten on each others nerves (i can push some buttons, but i dont think i have gotten too out of control). i did have one of those nights where i cried because i felt so utterly overwhelmed all at once, and thinking about what i was really doing. i let it out, and i appreciate him more. i am in awe that i get to spend the rest of my life with him. its such a healthy relationship (not because we dont fight, but because we can talk about it). i hope that everyone gets to expereince this kind of relationship, and that it will last.
well i am broke. LA was not the most fiscal acheivement of my life, but you deal and move on. i will be ok, will take some time to get back on my feet still because i have like 100 to my name, and i owe it to someone. i wish there was money coming in, but i doubt i will get the apartment deposit back (although i didnt sign anything so i should be reimbursed when a new roomie moves in), and other than that, theres nothing. plus all the debt i accrued while there, i am looking into my options. it is very humbling and it makes me feel so helpless. i have always been in the money, not so much that i was wealthy, but comfortable in my means. i hate not being able to be generous because i dont have anything to give. i am blessed with amazing people in my life that are generous, though sometimes hard to accept their gifts, i am learning more and more about "recieving" (remember my issues).
lately i feel an insurge of a desire to seek after GOD creep in. its been a while since i have had the inkling. I just want to take time and spend with HIM and get reaquainted. i understand a little better how relationships are maintained, and in that i see how i have failed HIM, but not really failed, just lacked devotion. there are so many things i have to be thankful for, and i dont want to cheat myself from a fuller life.
well there is not much else right now. love nat, hate jonahs, in ohio, going to florida, working with levi, happy, content, lovestruck....
abby: glad you love your new house, cant wait to come visit. i bet "butch" is huge.
amber: want to come up, or you come down (but frankly cant afford the gas and not sure when it is feesible)
steph: anytime is good, and call me
kati: you need to 1. update your blog 2. call me
sa: good to see you
carol: train your dog
cheryl: get carol to train her dog =)
jen e: hello??!??! how are the wedding plans?
nessa: do you even read this?
sarah c: reading, will comment later. how is life? stormy?
Nat: you really are incredible, miss you, love you (kisses)

thats all for now...ill try to update it better.
c.ALIce

Sunday, September 18, 2005

2:53

it is nearly 3am and i cant sleep. i am being bombarded with lots of emotions and can seem to settle myself down. why does life have to be so hard? its like my insides are always torn, like i cant get settled or figure anything out, or be safe for too long without something going wrong. life is too good right now, other than my girlie emotions creeping in, and i almost feel like at any moment its all just going to fall apart. Nat is wonderful. i dont know if God could've given me anyone more perfect. Its a process though. i dont really like jonahs, more because i feel like the work for the money is a waste of time, but i admit i was spoiled by encore (you mean you dont walk out with over 100 every night without sidework?!?!?). the people are getting better, just have to avoid certain ones, and its fine. i really like working for levi even though i am overwhelmed with everything i dont know. joshy (my boss) has been great. i know i can do well, just getting past the learning curve. I have an interview on friday with portrait innovations, i think i talked about it before. i am excited. i think it will be better than jonahs by still bettering myself as far as photography goes. i seriously think i am pmsing, there is really no other reason for all my self inflicted drama. i over-analyze too much. its hard to just let go though, hard to just say, ok,no matter what happens, or what anyone says, i am going to be happy, and making steps towards that. i have been so tired this week. i think with the learning curve i worked 40+ hours with levi, plus jonahs on top of that, changing sleeping schedule, dinners and hanging out. it sucks because now is the perfect time for me to sleep and not have to worry about getting up, and here i am 3am, typing quietly as not to disturb nat, though i seriously doubt he can even hear. there is nothing wrong with me, i am not depressed, angry or frustrated...i cant even put it into words, i just feel burdensome. i long so much for peace, i have a peace from GOd that everything will be ok, i have a peace about where i am and who i am with, i have a peace about job situations, but still, i long for everything to come without a struggle...pipe dreams. i dont remember life being so complicated. i just have to stop thinking......ugh!!!
night

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Thursday, September 08, 2005

44 DAYS

I have known my future husband for 44 days. and i have 44, 000 reasons why i would choose him again every day!!! (that was for you babe....kisses)

one day at a time

it was good to hang out this weekend. its so hard to come home sometimes because there is just not enough time to spend quality time with all the people i want to, but i enjoyed the party at cindy's place and the cookout at kate and jimi's....i definately needed it.
i got to hang out with my sisters and emma and steph. they havent seen me since before i left for california so we had a lot of catching up to do. it was a hard weekend emotionally because many hurts and scars from the past surfaced and i became scared that Nat was going to reject me. of course he has not given anything less than affirmation, but being away and not having the constant affirmation was somewhat of a struggle.
i hate my job, they are so mean. last night i was done with all my sidework and silver and stood there for 45 minutes waiting for todd (my least favorite, actually putting the word favorite at all is an overstatement), to cash me out. then on my way home, the exit i usually take was closed so i had to go the long way. its more frustrating because i really wanted to get home and see nat before he went to bed, but that was not going to happen.
i am starting to get some work with levi. i even have an email address (cbond@virtuallnk.com...multimedia developer) i am apprehensive but excited. it is a great time to learn but still i am somewhat on my own. he hasnt given me anything yet, but i should have projects by the beginning of next week. its more like a trial period i think, but he is still paying me (per project for now, then hourly eventually). i talked to a lawyer about filing bankrupcy. it will reduce my monthly payments by nearly 1200. that will be great. somehow have to come up with some lawyer fees, but i have a couple weeks to get my stuff together. i feel like such a great burden has been lifted from me, and i feel like i can do more in life without having to deal with it anymore. it sucks, but i really dont have any other options at this point.
nessa is in illinois this week and next, it sucks to work on the weekends!!! i am going to their moms house in sunday for dinner and then hopefully next week nessa and i will go to hang out together. i am glad she is here, its great to have oppurtunities to hang out with good friends.
i want a job where i dont have to work on the weekends unless i choose to. i go back and forth about what kind of work i want to do. at this point i just want to have a job where i dont have to work at Jonahs anymore. i think i am just over serving, despite the fact i am making decent money and it is on a day to day basis, but i am just done with certain people. i dont like feeling like someone will bitch at me at any time. one day i will lash back at him and he will not even know what hit him. cause i am like that...let issues boil up inside until i just get to a certain point then i just blow. i should really work on that.
i dread everyday that i have to go in there. the people i work with are so stuck up and the money is alright, but not worth the headache. i will stick with it until i know that i have a job that i can survive on, but as soon as that comes along, i am GONE. i think i am still going to work on the photo business, just because it is extra money on the weekends and stuff.
i have had so much time on my hands and there is still a long list of things i want to accomplish. it has more to do with the fact that i dont have the money to get it started. i would have to pay for photos and websites and advertising, so that is the main reason. but iw ill do it eventually, dont doubt me just yet.
You can only take life one day at a time. i cant expect to have it all figured out now...whether love, job, or future. I have to take each day and make the most of it. today i ran a bunch of errands and got alot accomplished. it was good. nat and i went on a walk, its always nice to take a walk with him. we talked about stuff. i really like him alot. he makes me happy!! you can only live day to day because there are no promises of anything else. so each day you have to decide what you want to do and who you want to be, and live that out. you just got to stop and BREATHE sometimes and let life give you the low blows to realize what you true desires are. i am so thankful for where i am right now. i am thankful that i have someone that is being SO patient with me, i dont think i do enough to show him how much i care.
just in case you hadnt noticed, i blocked anonymous from my blog, mainly because of ads and also because people that dont sign their name are rude. so they can suck it, cause if one thinks that they are "strong" enough to criticize, they also should have the confidence to sign their name....it really does bother me!! i got 4 anonymous posts within 2 minutes of posting...STOP THE SPAM!!
i am excited because its the beginning of FOOTBALL season, which means it is PATRIOT TIME!!! i know i am retarded but i think it is fun. luckily my team and nats team are in different leagues. He is a Packer fan (i really dont know if i can handle that...i mean he has to be MAD!! hahah) i like the Patriots because they play good football and they are a team that focuses more on playing a good game and being apart of a great franchise instead of making all the money. i am confident they will do well this year because there are so many great players although they lost their defensive and offense coaches and also bruschi will be out all year (had a stroke last year after the superbowl).
anyway, i am done...i am sure there is more i can talk about considering i havent for such a long time, but i think that will strain your eyes for now.
love you all!!
c.ALIce

Monday, August 29, 2005

dont really feel like it

i know that i havent written in a while. but frankly i just dont feel like it. nothing too interesting has been going on. i am trying to figure out how to come home this weekend, which depends alot on work. I would love for Nat to come with me, but it depends on when i will be off work. i am pretty homesick. today i cleaned. i had a list of things that i needed to get done and didnt accomplish much. but i have to say, the basement is clean, for the most part. Of course, like dad, I could always find something to do. i am trying to pace myself so that i dont get burnt out, but i actually enjoy it. Gives me something to do during the day and it will help to sell the house in the long run. I took pictures so that we could put it on FSOB.COM (for sale by owner). WE will see how it goes.
Yesterday was actually very busy, we went to church at Nat's dad's church. We were all supposed to go out to eat afterwards, but Nat had to work (he was oncall) so Ken/Dad and I went to Crackel Barrel, then we came back to the house and Nat and I went to Walmart, then Brinlee and Josh came over and we went to eat at Ruby Tuesday's. We then came back to the house and went on a walk (all four of us). Then Nat and I went to Ben and Joanna's to play Monopoly. I think that is the busiest day I have had since i got here. But it was all very fun. Its nice to hang out with other couples, and get to know other people.
Well I am sorta out of it, so I think I will stop there...see really not that interesting. But hopefully I will be able to come home this weekend and see everyone!!
later loves
c.ALIce

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

what should i do....

so a bit has changed. i took the jetta back yesterday, a long story, but i think it was the best decision. i have slept at brinlee and joshs for the last two nights...and that is ok. just trying to work through it i guess. met Nat's mom yesterday, we went to dinner and then back to her house for talking. told the story of how Nat and I met and also how her and her husband met. it was nice.
i have been pondering over past relationships with guys. Not that I have really had that many, but nevertheless. I just think about all the different people i have had crushes on, and the one i loved, and tried to figure out why i forced myself to try to be so intimate when deep down I knew it was wrong. It was like i was willing to settle because I didnt really think that anyone else would come around, and that how i really wanted was a pipe dream and didnt really exist at all. I dont want any of my friends to make lifetime commitments with someone that just doesnt seem right. But I understand that everyone relates to people in a different way, and sometimes I dont understand, but they are happy. Relationships between two people can be somewhat illusive. When my sister Carol started dating Todd, at first I was happy for her, she had finally found someone, then i was worried because I didnt understand why they bickered all the time over stupid stuff. Now if you saw Todd and Carol together, you just understand. They work well together. I also had concerns about Luci and "whats his name"...but apparently they are doing well too. It really is none of my business why certain people are together, but on the other hand, I do want them to experience love, without settling, but love that is unexplainable. I know I come off wrong sometimes, but I guess I have a little mothering in me.
So my thought for today....what am i supposed to do with my life? I battle back and forth between getting a career job, something that I can be successful at and also move up in the business. Then I think about how much i love my freedom, and how i dont want to be tied down with a monday through friday day job, but then i also dont want to work nights because i dont get to see Nat. Carol said today I should start my own business, what would i do though? I feel like the only thing i have any sort of experience in is serving tables, and although i like my job at Jonahs, i really dont think i want to be a career server. so what do i do? i know i have a degree in photography, but really what can i do. I really dont have the equipment that i really need. granted i can get it after a while...there is so much cost in just getting started.
I painted today. somewhat of an angry paint. I guess i am thinking too much today and that frustrates me. i just have to take advantage of the time i have to accomplish something, but i feel lost sometimes at what direction i want to go in. any ideas?
c.ALIce

Sunday, August 21, 2005

dreams do come true

for a really long time, my worth was found in the approval of people around me. the irony of it all was that i was labeled a "rebel" and seen as someone that didnt care what people thought. do you know how hard it is to NOT CARE at all about what people think. so i have lived for nearly 27 years, and i think i got to a point where i really dont care. on the other hand, i feel drawn to respect those that i love, and their convictions. so some decisions may seem as if they are "hypocritical" (especially if one does not know all the circumstances/thought processes) but ultimately it is my life, and i will do what i want regardless of what people think, but i also have to be sensitive to protect certain relationships.
so i have been very confused in the past. the battle between doing what i think is right, and doing what i want, especially if i felt the two clash. sometimes doing what is right and doing what i want are the same, yet sometimes i have to choose. i think one thing that has changed in my heart within the last couple months is that i am truly happy (well thats been within the last 3 weeks), and i have really reevaluated the influence of people in my life. I dont allow people to make me feel inferior or allow them to confuse me in regards to what direction i feel like i should go. I am not allowing people's expectations become a cause for me to be held back. I am not allowing what others think i should do influence what my true hearts desire may be. once i set aside what i thought others wanted me to be. when i let go of others dreams for me. once i looked into who i am and saw what i really wanted. i really saw what i wanted. it was so simple, yet the letting go was somewhat complicated. so now i am happy. i am not continually trying to impress people, i can walk into a room and realize my worth without approval. i am truly fulfilling my hearts desires, or at least exploring what they are in a new light. I really dont think that i have ever been happier. more content, more at peace or felt more secure in my life. i am obtaining my dream life. simple, full of love, limited stress, companionship...I STILL REALLY LIKE HIM!!! yesterday i traded my car in for a Jetta, it was a really good deal. its white with a sunroof, its beautiful. it was just one more thing to make me see how much my dreams are coming true (since i have wanted one since before i could drive). I have someone in my life that I never thought i would ever have. He fits with me, and i respect him. I have a job that fits all my talents within the service industry (keeps burn out to a minimum). I am more focused on things that i like to do, and opening up to change and living at a different pace and with a different purpose in life.
there really is a freedom when you dont live to appease people. i am not fighting with God because i dont care if i maintain a rebellious image. because i dont care to impress people, i am more open to revealing my true self and my true desires. i dont stand back and wish i could (always worrying in my head what people will think), and not doing it, but just doing it. I am tending to live a more honorable life because i am not trying to prove a particular image to anyone. My worth or success is not based on what society, or anything else, but based on how my God views me. There is such freedom in only having to be approved by one, and the fact that HE took all the steps in order to make me approved...i simply had to decide to be approved. I think i am happy now because i am not fighting anymore. I am not trying to control life, i am simply allowing life to be lived. Freedom. My ultimate dream being fulfilled.
c.ALIce

Saturday, August 20, 2005

really like it

last night i worked a banquet at work, it was a lot of fun. The restaurant overlooks the illinois river and there was a lighting storm, SO beautiful, how it lit up the entire sky. on my way home there are just corn feilds and a lighting storn in the distance and you could see everything. i love storms, rain, thunder, and lighting. reminds me of sitting on the porch in norwood with the candles lit with good friends and just talking.
i hung out with Brinlee yesterday, and finally met Josh (Nat's cousin). i am supposed to move in there today, but i dont think that there is much to move, other than clothes and some random items. i have a room and a bathroom to myself. It will be good i think. we have plans to meet the mother on tuesday. i think it will be fine. i am actually excited to meet her. i still need to meet grandpa pflederer...apparently he is "good stock"
i was supposed to work tonight, but they are short staffed so it wouldnt be efficient training..so i dont go back till monday. that means i get to hang out with my honey tonight. i miss him. i havent seen him as much this week as in past weeks because our schedules are opposite.
becky is coming back through tomorrow, so that will be great! i like having people familiar around (other than Nat). Brinlee seems really cool. I am going to do a womans bible study with her church...Beth Moore's Patriarchs. I think it will be cool to go through since it is about the Holy Lands, and having a new perspective from being there.
i fixed my schedule at work so that i am off sunday, monday and tuesday...that way i can come home more often. otherwise i would have to get people to cover my shifts in order to come home on the weekends because everyone has a set schedule and there are not request off books. i thought that was a good decision.
i miss everyone. i am going to try to come home soon...just waiting to get a little more established at work so i will have some money to travel with....and money to pay my bills. i am going to apply to be a substitute for tazewell county. i will be able to work days but still be out in time to go to work at Jonahs. i have considered teaching and this will give me a glipse into what it is all about. i think it will be fun actually...and it seems pretty flexible, its not steady monday through friday so that will still allow me to come home some weekends without having to work out a schedule. its really not that hard. all i have to do is get a physical and an original copy of my degree, then i am on the list!! i dunno, seems like a cool thing to do. i wanted to teach in different countries, and i think with a little sub experience, i can know whether or now i really want to do that.
Life is great. I feel very secure here, and surrounded by beauty. Some people may think that moving to no mans land was a limit to me, without oppurtunities, but i much prefer the simple life than the hussel and bussel of city living. i love sitting outside and hearing crickets and the potential for my own garden, and not all the stress and worry. I am truly happy here, though i miss everyone.
i hope everything is well with everyone!! love you all dearly
c.ALIce

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

birthday girl...CHERYL....26 again!

DID YOU ALL WISH CHERYL A HAPPY BIRTHDAY???? HER BIRTHDAY WAS THE 16TH..YESTERDAY!!!

the JOB, the CAR, the MOVE

I started last night at my new job, i really like it, though there is tons to learn. i did alot of standing around last night, listening to people tell me table numbers and drink garnishes. i am off tonight because Becky is coming here to hang out on her way to Minnesota. I am very excited. I went car shopping yesterday, found a jetta that wouldnt higher my payments, 2005, but i just didnt feel right about it. i am trying to get myself out of debt, not accrue more. I dont hate my car, the gas milage is much to be desired, but she still runs, and she can get me through the winter. my insurance would go up about $40/month, and that kind of defeats the purpose. plus they called today and said that the payment was going to be higher, because what they quoted me was "approximate" just like a car dealer eh? i think more than anything, i would just like to NOT have a car loan hangin over my head. I am glad that i have a job, but i am still bored. i am still looking into a day job, just to occupy myself and help get back ahead in my finances. I can totally relate with EVERYBODY, MONEY SUCKS!! I just really want to be done with it. I am tempted to sell everything i own just to get out of it, but unfortunately, everything i own will only get me like 3000, cause i dont have anything. i like it like that though, less you have to worry about moving, or getting taken from you. I think that i have really just got to the point where the whole stressing over money is over, i am just gonna kick it in the butt and move on with life. i am sick of dealing with it. its all about toys anyway, and i want to spend my earnings on something i bit more eternal i guess. i dont need much to be happy, and less is more.
So I am considering moving out of Nat's house. Such a hard decision though because I would really like to stay here, but I know that above all it is morally compromising. Part of me doesnt have a problem with it, and the other part of me knows its not the best solution. so i am going to talk to brinlee today (cousins wife) because they have an extra room with bath that they will let me stay in, though i am sure i will be here a lot of the time, or working, but i think it might be the best decision, if it works out the way it should. I dont know, its like do you let others allow their views to change your preception, or do you do what you want, even though what you want may not be "right" we will figure it out.
So thats whats going on here. Still working on getting everything in place and settled. Too much time not doing anything can drive me crazy, so i find things to do. i have a list of errands i have to run today...oh FUN!!!
love you all!
c.ALIce

Monday, August 15, 2005

Sisters: Part Three

Emma emma is one of those people (again that i stole from carol) that you can sit and talk to for hours, or you can sit and stare at each other and its okay. she sees life from a different perspective than most all my other friends, which is a relief. She is someone you can tell secrets to and not worry about whether she will judge you on a spiritual level. she is loyal to people even when they walk all over her, which shows her endurance, yet i think she is getting to a point in her life where she realizes what TRUE friends are and what they offer. she is smitten by an incredible guy, and honestly he is the lucky one!! she is real about who she is, what she struggles with and what her desires are, and they are not necessarily based on what she thinks GOD wants her to do. She is fun to be around and i really miss our tuesday night dates.
Jen Edwards oh girl you have been around!! jen is another one of those friends in which our time in the same city has been limited, but it doesnt matter. i know that i can call on her whenever i need to. she gives great advice and truly cares about you and your dreams. i dont think college would have been the same without the ransom notes and water fights, or her fridge with dijon mustard, white american and turkey!! she is beautiful and talented and daring and graceful. A classic beauty and a gentle spirit. she too is non-judgmental and allows me to be me with no exceptions.
Danielle oh what do we say about our smitten lover? how LUCKy is the man that gets to spend his life with such a loving and compassionate person?!?!? The best thing i could say about Danielle is that she loves, like no one else, and i seriously think that she has allowed for incredible healing since i first met her. She loves art, which is definaltey part of my heart and she can see your true desires without you saying a word. She listens like no one else. i can be sitting at dinner with her, mention that i want to go to Italy, and for a graduation gift months later i recieved a map of Italy and an Italian travel/phrase book...thats just what she does. she pays attention to the smallest details and makes them extra-ordinary. She cares deeply about using every oppurtunity to make you feel special and loved. She is an encouragement to me.
Sarah C Yes this is CRAYNON...my lover (hahahha =)) i seriously have SO much fun with her! People say she is anal...what?!?! With me she has always been laid back and cool. She is determined, TOO intelligent and always has something bigger and better up her sleeve. She has definately been there when i needed her most, never fails to answer the phone or at least call back. Still to this day we have no idea when, where and how we met...guess cause we were joined from another life! I have seen her figure out her spirituality on her own terms, and it is amazing to watch. She is so humble (though she has a streak in her)...and she is constantly seeking (which is a great quality to have, because when you think you have it all figured out, you are lying to yourself). I have never known her to be one to care what anyone else thought, shes just Sarah, and if she pretended to be anyone else, i wouldnt love her! She offers sound and wise advice, and has the strength of will to accomplish anything she puts her mind to.

There are many more people that i would put her, like Christian from Russia, Sarah Nunery from college, Mandi from Hopkinsville.....but i dont think that they even read this thing...but know that they all play a very special role in my life, but i just dont talk to them as much as i should/could.

now for the best of the best!! The Truest and best of them all. The 2 people i know would be with me from hell to high water and have proven their undying loyalty to me over years and years. i have had more fights and arguments with the two below than all the rest combined, but I also have had the most fun (maybe ten fold) than anyone else as well. I seriously think that there would be a void in my life if either one of them didnt exist. You cant really even put into words what having incredible sisters like i have really means. GOD truly knew what He was doing when He designed our family. Giving us the most complete and nurturing system for our individualities. Below is just an Exerpt, i definaltey could write novels on everything my sisters mean to me.
Cheryl is awesome, she is so generous and compassionate and beautiful beyond skin deep, yet she limits herself based on her view of herself based on the fickle views of society. i just wish that she could look in the mirror and really see...and not just see but KNOW who she is. She would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. she sacrifices so much of herself for the benefit of others, and simply sits back and basks in the happiness of those she helps. she is a loyal friend, i have not known her to ever turn her back on a friend, and even continues to pursue friendships with people that may not really care about her, or value her as much as those closest to her. she puts on a good show at being the quiet reserved one, but dont let that fool you. she can cut up and be sarcastic with the best of them. She is fun to be with, playful and laid back. she is definately a security in my life. to know that whatever life throws at me, and whereever she is, she will open up her heart and door to me. If she could find a profession that allowed her to truly fulfill her hearts desires, i think she would forever live in mexico in a garbage dump, or be a stay at home mother. Her compassion and love for people of all races, ages and religion is unsurpassed. She has this determined bone in her, a stubborn one just like her dad, that wont allow her to just quit, although considered, she will always bounce back with 100 times more vigor and determination.
Carol is incredible as well. she awes me with this unfailing passion for God, and how it penetrates her entire life. i have seen her change into this graceful and determined individual, yet she is patient, compassionate and non-judgemental (how did we all end up like that?). Her heart swells with every oppurtunity to bust the myths of what people think GOD is and gentle puzzles them into realizing truth. She is an inspiration to anyone that meets her. Giving perfect strangers small glimpses of a true disciple, and the truth in that. the truth that it doesnt have to rule your life, or rather, its simple. not complex or a special formula, its just simply allowing GOD to reveal Himself to you. Thats what i love about Carol, is that she simply is who GOD designed her to be, no makeup, nothing false, and not trying to make it something its not, but a sincere ability to look into lives of other people and help you see that you are human, and giving an abundance of grace to regards to that. she doesnt try to change you, she just reaches out and allows GOD to use her to speak for Him. Her words will be the means of millions of changed lives. They will free captives of thought and performance, and encourage people to allow GOD to love on them, and the truth in that, is that allowing people to be loved, opens them up to allowing GOD to do that changing. She also is determined. and diligent. who in their right mind gets up at 5am to do homework?!?!?! She devoted her life, love and blood to truth. She is wise, and can see that things that most all of us are blinded to. She shares her revelations, with such energy that you cant help but want to see from her perspective.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Sisters: Part Two

Cindy She has been around for a long time. Although i have not held many long talks with her, i know that i could. She has developed this unbridled desire for God. She too is loyal. One that would do anything for you. She did not start out as my friend, but over time, she has become one. She is giving and loving. She is quiet about what she truly struggles with, and in that she is strong and independent. I have watched the transformation from new bethel to underground. She has always been one to soak up God. what i love about her is her love for music. she sees music as the ultimate avenue to reaching people for GOD. she wants to see young people come into a genuine relationship with God, because in that realness, lies endurance. She has been through so much, and i think over the years she has really allowed GOD to heal her hurts. She has learned to lean on Him for all her needs, and the reality of who He is and what HE is capable of has transformed her life from one of a follower to a great leader. She desires for being to see all the greatness of GOD, and restore their hope in what HIS LOVE can accomplish.
Kadie My kindred spirit...I consider that of the greatest honors. she is simply amazing. She is strong and determined not to allow life to destroy her. Oh i could sit for hours on end talking to her about anything. she can see into the soul and pull out your desires and love you despite yourself. she is supportive and is the free-est person i have ever met. Her concept of life is not that of fame, honor or wealth, but of simple obedience and bringing as many people into their true selves as GOD would allow her. She has a passion for art and using the talents and abilities God gave her to glorify Him, and trusting Him solely for her overall well-being. That is a trust that i lack, and if i could, i would support any endeavor she pursues because i know that she does not pursue them for personal gain, but for the glory of GOD. she is my dearest and lovely kadie, always pursuing after the joy of living a life sold out to GOD. she is one that really keeps me accountable, asking all the right questions and seeing life through the rose-colored lens of Gods love and will. she is so brave, and i respect her so much. she relys on GOD for so much, and most of the time i stand in awe at what she goes through to be all HE wants her to be, such strength in dealing with issues.
Nessa From the first moment i met her, i think i knew there was no getting rid of her, and i was not going to be one that complained. Nessa was seriously my life's grace in LA. i will forever love her for that. I think that we are kin from another life. somehow GOD knew years ago that we would step into each others paths and prepared it so that it was perfect timing. She has so much desire to draw close to GOD, and I seriously pray that GOD will bring strength and passion into her life to draw close on her own terms. She is kind-hearted and selfless. She has got a fire in her though, a strength that i know is there, but have yet to see. She is a free-spirit, someone that wants to experience every crevice of life, and to make it worth while. I know i will appreciate her more and more as time goes by.
To be continued.....

Sisters: Part One

I am really going to try not to talk about the boy, i am going to express some intense revelations.
i am truly overly blessed with incredible sisters, and you all know this because most of you have adopted them as your own as well. i really love the fact that my sisters are my best friends and that we live in a drama-free and supportive environment. i am lucky not to have nagging and judgemental sisters, that even though we are so different and have such unique personalities and talents, we get along so well and we have a lot of the same friends and can relate to them.
"Becoming real doesn't happen overnight, nor is it possible without some effort, but when it happens, we expereince a freedom unimagined."
i love this!! it was in cheryls blog. sometimes i wish people (especially those i love) to be able to see themselves as i see them.

Kati kati and i were friends from the first day we met, although I am sure exactly when that was because she came into my life and it was if she was always there. we have been through so much, through her boyfriends/love interests, through some college, through funky monkey and the "duck", we have been locked in a cage, and have experienced the joys and trajedies of life together. she has always been a sorta mother-hen in my life. always trying to make sure that whatever decision i made was truly for my best interest. its not a nosey, nagging kind of mothering, but a gentle love and true compassion from her heart. i truly respect her for all the sacrifices she has made in her life to live up to this incredible idea of who GOD would want her to be. she is a shining example to so many people with her quiet strength and unfailing love. she is the type of person that will envelope your soul in love and support, even to the point that it she allows you to make mistakes and learn on your own terms. she is physically phenomenal, absolutely stunning and classic. although she may not realize it all the time, i think she has truly come to terms with her value beyond skin deep. i think each day and each experience she goes through, she allows GOD to penetrate into her life and change her, and to be moldable by the most high is one of life's greatest achievments. you will forever be GOD's Lil Princess
Sa you all know her well, our (as her dad would put it) "little angel" It is so fitting. She is truly wise beyond her years, and as much as she would like to hide it, she is still young. She is giving with her love, her heart is magnificent. She draws closer and closer each day to this vision of what GOD desires her to be. At a crucial time in life where she has a choice to draw closer to GOD for guidance or figure it out on her own, she gentle lets Him lead her whereever, no matter how challenging or uncomfortable she may think it is. This level of obedience has taken most of us years to master, and to her, it just comes naturally. She is so artistic and creative and unique. There will never be another. What does she offer to me? I dont think i can figure it all out, but she offers me hugs when she doesnt know how much i need them. she offers me sincerity of her mind and soul. though quiet, she speaks volumes. she offers this silent spirit, and probing life questions and this simplicity, this great simplicity to learn from others and to not focus her life on things that will quickly fade away. She will continue to let GOD mold her life, because in the deepest parts of her, she KNOWS He is good and ever-faithful.
Becky although a new sister in the fold. and many of you havent been able to spend too much time with her, she is definately an extra-ordinary woman of GOD. She has been a witness to me in the element of faith in God and hope in God's plan. She loves and is loyal. She is also strong. She is learning to let God rule her life in every aspect, even if it is not what she really expected/wanted. She has a heart for people, and people that come in contact with her can see her genuity. She leads the struggling to fresh water, she encourages without words (at least not in english ;)) and can dig deep into your soul before you even know what hit you. She has a servants-heart and a passion for seeing people for who they are, not necessarily where they are. i am still in the process of learning Becky. She loves to dance, and have a good time and i love that about her, but she can also sit for hours and delve into the deepest crevices of life. i am so excited because becky is coming to visit on wednesday and she gets to meet NAT!!! shes so lucky!!!
Abbi oh she is so grown up!! but despite our minimal age difference, i never saw her as less than an equal with me. we too have been through so much in the past. growing up at new bethel all the drama insued there. she has always been very honest about herself. i cant remember a time when abbi attempted to be anyone but Abbi. she is so open to serve and help others with no regard for herself. she is unselfish and compassionate. she sees the needs of others and desires to be used by GOD to change the world. She has such a big heart and such big dreams, and a patience that surpasses me, to allow God to move in big ways in her life. She is ever striving to be honorable in every aspect of her life, and that is contagious.
Amber oh really, what can one say about amber!?!? i love her to death. she is always finding new ways to be a good friend, always striving to make sure you feel appreciated and loved. never fails to make you feel so special and loved. she is very strong individual and also very giving, honest and sincere. she will listen to you for hours, and always make sure that you feel like your feelings and experiences are valid. she is always available for you, and can always make you laugh about anything. amber and i unfortunately havent lived in close proximity for ver y much time as friends, but somehow we have managed to keep in touch after so many years (can you believe its been 8 years???). she too was one of those people i knew i would have in my life for a very long time, if not within distance, definately in our hearts and thoughts.
Steph Arvin Ya know what i love most about stephanie...everything. She lives her life with no regard for what others will think or how they will percieve her. She experiences life to its fullest, taking every oppurtunity to expand her intellect and experiences. She is easy to talk to and always has her door open. I love the fact that she lives to the fullest, and that she loves deeply. She truly surrounds herself with healthy relationships and rarely settles for anything less. She is non-judgemental and non-condemning and can truly be happy for you. It was rocky at first, but i love her dearly now and wouldnt trade her for the world's treasures. she really inspires me in many aspects of my life.
to be continued.....