Pathetic

I think most of you have probably given up on my blogs. three months...how pathetic. I cant really think of anything exciting to talk about. So i guess Ill just tell you whats been going on.
As you probably know, I quit virtuallnk in August. My life was so much less stressful and semi-peaceful. Then shortly after I got a job with a photographer in Peoria. I love working with her most of the time (everyone has their days). Trouble is that I only work there part time 15-20 hours a week. Which is good, but not good enough. I talked to her about going full time in January, but it wont be working out like i thought. In order to help Nat with the bills, I had to get another part time job (which actually ends up being 30+ hours a week (you do the math). Some weeks arent as bad as others, but sometimes it is down right exhausting. My second job is a cashier at Walmart. Now I thought that this job would help me meet new people and find friends, but to no avail. It is still a loner job. Cant really cut it up with the other cashiers and most of the time the customers arent so friendly. Plus it is boring!!! The time pokes by like you are standing in line for a ride at kings island. 10 minutes feels like 2 hours. I dont think I have any choice but to suck it up. I consider going to get a 9-5 job, but what the hell would I do? I kind of like the flexibility of working with Ona, but walmart sucks because after 2 years of not having anyone tell you when and where to be at work and being able to make my own schedule, now I have people dictating my life with weekly schedules (that mind you are made 3 weeks in advance!). I feel like I have no control anymore. I cant quit though...I have nothing else substantial to fall back on. I have considered going back to school to get my teachers cert to be able to teach HS, but I am not sure how good Id be at that either. Maybe I should consider substituting first...then i fear they will put me in a room full of 5 year olds and I will suffer an anxiety attack. fear...what a messed up emotion...wont let you do anything!
I am also considering having a freelance design business, but that takes time and money to start up and I dont have much of either!
I miss Ohio. the lack of community aches in my heart and I think I take it out alot on Nat, indirectly. I really dont have any excuse why I dont have friends, other than I dont know anyone. I feel like I am trapped in Nats world, surrounded by his friends, his family and his everything. Could I be losing my identity as Chrissi. I guess I feel I am not categorized but as Nat's wife. No one really "talks" to me. You know, those out on the porch till 2am conversations...those talks about where you are, where you want to be and who you really think you are. those talks of encouragement and even those that kick you in the butt. I feel like i am missing the best times of my friends lives. They are having children, buying houses, making life changes and I am so far away that I dont even know how to talk to them anymore because maybe I feel we dont have anything to connect us anymore but our past (which can only be reminiscenced so much). I dont feel like I am of much worth. What defines my worth? the people that surround me, the pride I have in what i do for a living and how i help others. my worth is defined by how responsible i am and how much i have going for me. Maybe i have my blinders on. maybe i dont see beyond the hopelessness I feel right now. I am 28 years old with a bachelors degree working at walmart. I dont have any motivation and nothing really to hold in esteem right now. I dont feel like I have anything of my own. nothing that is purely mine. I want the determination to change my life. To step outta my comfort zone. to conquer those demons that have haunted me for years; fear, laziness, hopelessness, anger, discontentment, unsettling, lack of drive, irresponsibily...i guess the list can go on and on.
I am tired. its like feeling your feet are cemented to the floor and you can only look at what you could accomplish and the person you would truly be if only you could break yourself out of the mold you've plastered around yourself.
I dont take pictures anymore. havent for quite some time...why is that? i am jealous of those that have the zeal for what i once loved. easy to say "then go take pictures" --- bout as easy to do as carrying the ton pound brick on my shoulder as well.
I realize I have never accomplished anything I was at one time determined to accomplish. What ever happened to the girl that dreamed of owning a coffee shop. Where is the girl that dreamed of bringing people together in community and helping them grow. Where is the girl that was so free from others pre-concieved ideas, that went with the beat of her own drum? Where is the girl that loved to be around people, loved to sit and get to know others hearts and dreams? What happened to that girl? Did she grow up along with society’s pressures of “normalacy”? It makes me wonder whether that girl ever existed or if she too was a figment of my imagination, maybe just a dream of a girl I always wanted to be.
There are some days I want to get up and fight, fight for a life I know I am capable of. Fight for the vision of the woman I see in my head that I could be. I want people to line up at my funeral with utmost respect for the person I was. I want people to want to be like me, to emulate my desires, to be jealous of my zeal for life and love and adventure. I don’t want to wrestle with these demons anymore, I want them to be cast down and go away forever!
Pipe dreams…or is it? Would you recognize me if I truly became who I thought I was destined to be? Would you still love me? Of course you would, you couldn’t resist!!! =)
I am waiting…that’s my problem. I wait for her to just show up. Like one miraculous day she is going to just be me. I know that in order to show her to others, I have to walk down that long valley of change. No one wants to change…its hard, tough, scary. Its so much more comfortable to continue to dream and not achieve than to achieve and experience other dreams!
I am not sure how I feel. I want to be successful at something. I want to make enough money to pay my bills. I want to feel respected and admired. I want to be the person that people go to because they know they will be encouraged and motivated just by being in my presence. I want to love my husband without fear or reservation. I want to be happy in my soul. I don’t want to be tired, weary and discouraged all the time. I want that change to occur in my mind, soul and mind that would push me to grow. People in cinci may see that person, but I feel like right now…in this moment of my life… I am so insignificant here. I feel like I have nothing worthy to offer, and the thought of trying to find a career scares me, and at the same time perplexes me because I cant come up with anything that I am exceptional at doing.
Crossroads in life suck. I feel like I need to get the ball rolling in my life to be able to look back and be proud. I need to take those steps I have always feared to take. Take those risks that may return void. I feel like I have to decide between life in a career of working for others, or working for myself. I need to find balance in my life between work, social and spiritual life. I guess now I feel like I am lacking the later two, and have too much of the unsatisfying remainder. I think I need to emulate that SNL skit “I am good enough, smart enough and doggonit people like me”
I hate feeling discontent. I hate not taking control of my life and making it my own rather than working for people that have made it their reality. I hate being a follower and not a leader. I hate not standing up for what my heart longs for. I hate not knowing what my next step is. I hate living life without vision or drive. I hate not having anything thats mine.
Is this something I inherited…to let life pass me by. To not allow myself to live out of my comfort.
I doubt this is making sense to anyone. It’s a lot of rambling about heart with no clear definition of what it is that I truly want. How do I see myself in 1 year? 3 years? 5 years? Will I still be ranting about what I shouldve done and how life is passing me by and I am accomplishing nothing significant.
I don’t want to be a martyr. I don’t want to heal world hunger, or encourage everyone to be a vegetarian. I don’t want to be a politician. I just want to figure out what my purpose is, I want to establish my life in Illinois and surround myself with people that love and care for me deeply and really ASK how I am wanting to know the real answer. I want to be successful at something other than being a failure. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the person I see. I don’t want to struggle with the same habits for the next 20 years. I am dying for change, and don’t know where to begin, and that is where the frustration comes from. I see this girl in my head that people take a second glance at for her beauty and spirit and drive. I see this woman in my mirror that I cant barely stand to look at because I don’t see anything worthy.
Call this the pity party of 2006! I have come a long way. There have been substancial changes in my life that I would never have expected 2 years ago. I understand this is a journey that requires patience and endurance. I understand I may never be satisfied. I know that one day, if need be the total breaking down of my will, I will accomplish something. Today I want it all…I am sick of waiting.
Its something no one can help me with. The encouragement drives me to rebellion. I don’t want people to see me in the journey, I don’t want them to help…I want to do it on my own (because I know in my heart I am strong enough). I don’t want them to keep me accountable because that makes me feel like a failure and leads me to just give up again and again. I don’t want it. I want to be awed. Ya know…like going to your ten year reunion for high school…to walk in and be envied. I don’t want to be seen in the dirt and grim of it (which is why I think marriage is so hard…there is no where to hide or escape). I feel the need for a reboot…for my screen to go dark so no one can see whats really going on in the background. And then…..well I think I am determined enough, if only I could get past myself.
The journey is lonely for a time, hard for a while and rewarding for a lifetime. I need to tap into that strength and will I know exists. You know what you need to do to make that strength obvious…something you do behind closed doors that shows your true heart, passions and devotions. Cry out on my behalf. Groan for peace, satisfaction and purpose. Weep for my heart and soul. Stand up for me when I am weak. Grant me the priveledge of prayer. Fast for my stubbornness and pride. That’s all I ask, because I know that its more powerful than all other devices. It withstands the self doubt and weaknesses…it alone can transform the body, soul and mind in an instant. It alone can bring to me the salvation I long for.
I think that’s it…I miss and love you all desperately and I want you to know that my heart aches for your companionship. I am always a phone call away!

c.ALIce