Since I can remember making resolutions or promises to myself I have had the same two reoccurring themes. Quit smoking and lose weight.
I realize both of these things contribute to an early grave yet still I continue. Why?
Now that Zachary is in the picture, you would think these two things would be easy to quit so I can be around for all his great milestones.
Yet still...
I haven't really suffered from severe depression. I have my days that I figure the world would be better without me or that I am tired of the daily struggles and just want some peace. Depression runs in the family.
I look at my mom and I am saddened. She has all the knowledge to lose weight, had gastric bypass and tries every quick fix in the book yet still can't seem to lose weight. I blame her a lot for my struggles even though I know it's unfair. I know I have control of my own actions.
So I had a bit of an epiphany. A realization of the thoughts that go through my head as I partake in these particular demons. Most times I just say to myself "what's the use, I am going to fail anyway!" But then there is that plaguing innermost thought that I am going to die anyway so why not.
So even though I have no immediate plans to put a gun to my head I am committing a slow and steady suicide. I don't feel like I am strong enough to resist, based on my track record I am not. But above all I don't feel I have any worth. I am not worth it. So my struggle with smoking and weight is less about addiction but more about my view of myself.
Somewhat enlightening. But strong enough if an epiphany to promote change? We shall see I guess.
Much love--
c
