sdrawkcaB gnioG....(Going Backwards)

I know its been a long time since I have really written, but I have been sorta busy! The house is coming along very well now and things are starting to come together and get finished. It is not as overwhelming as it was a month ago, but we still have a lot of work to do.
I have been really tired lately. I get home at 5 and swear i could sleep till i had to go to work the next morning. I wish i could just shake it. I am blaming it on the house --- finally all the stress is catching up with me and my body needs to rest. I think i might be coming out of it.
I am VERY VERY VERY (times infinity) that Cheryl is coming to visit this weekend. I really need some affirmation of doing such a good job on the house that isnt coming from Nat's family, granted I LOVE Nats family....i love mine more! I also need some sister time and someone there to be with other than just Nat.
I have started making new friends. A group of girls have been going out every wednesday night and it really is awesome for me. I thrive by being around people. I am thrilled to have some girls that are my friends, by my own submission. They are a good fun group of girls and i love hanging out with them. It is very nice to have a place to go where I can learn again how to be social---i have been cooped up so long i felt like I was not only losing myself but also the confidence to be anything good for anyone else...
I have been researching a new camera. I think i have basically decided on Nikon (over Canon) but still havent narrowed down which model i want. I am thinking the new Nikon D300 or D3 (coming out brand new in November!), there is another one too but I cant remember what model it is. I am trying to stay in a reasonable price range, but I also want a significant upgrade from what I have. I am sorta jealous of Cindy's showings and stuff. She is motivating me to get back into it again. Its been a while and I am really rusty.
I have also been looking into lighting and backdrops and plan to go around Peoria looking for some cool and new places to take pictures. Maybe that will help even more to get out of this rut.
I have been wanting to go to church lately, but just havent gone. I kind of dont want to be a fraud, but then i guess we all are so it doesnt really matter. I miss HIM, my heart aches and i know he is the CURE. It is also a great place to get connected to even more people, I just dont want that to be my sole reason for going...i am sick of not being there though...i just feel so empty and need to be filled up...know what i mean?
So i have been re-evaluting myself..like a personal psycho-analysm. reflecting back on my past and where i want to go and trying to figure out why i live so much in my failures rather than turn them into something beautiful and rewarding. I struggle with 2 main things in my life that I just cant shake. They have been demons in my life for at least a decade if not more. I blame my mom for one, I blame society for the other...but really i need to blame myself for both of them. I have control over me and my actions, but addictions are tough to kick. I am determined for about 3 days then my flame fizzles out. I come up with tons of excuses why I fail...i make "valid" excuses of why I cant follow through. Then i noticed a sort of trend, not only in those 2 areas of my life, but also spilling over to everything else. A lack of confidence in my abilities to do anything successfully...continually coming up with excuses why I cant. I remember in high school, when i was playing volleyball that I would fake a pulled muscle to keep from having to run or jump or even play. I look at photography and starting a studio and i think, i need a better camera, more lighting, studio (all that before I can even go out and take random pictures)...it is really pathetic. If it wasnt for Nat, I wouldnt even have the confidence to put together a portfolio and get the job I currently have...i probably wouldnt even have looked past the IDEA of it...coming up with tons of excuses why they would never hire me....when in fact they were WAITING for me and my specific talents. funny eh? I dont want to keep myself from living anymore because of mundane excuses why something cant be done...even before I try!
I think thay may be the stem of some of my depression lately, feeling like I am letting myself go, not losing her, but not taking ownership of myself, my flaws (and rectifying them) and my talents (and expressing/using them). I guess my excuse is that i am just lazy, but doing nothing irritates me more than running around with my head cut off. I would much rather have 2 jobs and an avid social life then time to sleep or sit and do nothing or just watch tv. I am much happier that way i think. That is definately where Nat and I differ. He doesnt feel the need to make friends, have a social life or even do much of anything beyond what he is doing. I think he is just as scared as I am to change the course life has been on for so long. its scary to change....it bring about the unexpected..the unpredictable...and also the greatest rewards. Maybe I am wrong...maybe he just really is content with himself and life...i guess i am the one with all the issues...
Everyone has those days when they hate life...hate their jobs, their selves, their everything...I dont really have them very often, but i think i would like to stop...go to a beach, relax, not think about anything pressing other than the sound of the waves. It will be a long time before I get that vacation. The Egypt trip will wipe me out of all of my vacation and person days in one hit....i think i even have to take days without pay. I think it will be worth it. Nat doesnt like the idea of taking a brand new camera across the world..but isnt that the point of buying it? to use it! I think I have decided that whatever gift someone gives me should be photography related...camera, lenses, backdrops, lights, props....etc etc. It used to be like that...every christmas i just got one more big photography related item...then i graduated college and havent really got anything since. I think alot has to do with that we are all poor and photography stuff is expensive.
anyway, i should probably get back to work....as much as i truly love it...

love you alls
c.ALIce