i am just plain angry...i am angry in my soul...like an unsettling frustration that wont go away. I should be happy to be home. I should cherish each moment of life that I get to spend with my family and friends. for some reason i am just bitter. it feels like some sort of vengeance that feels justified, but has no purpose. it comes out of nowhere...i can be perfectly content and within seconds i am just overwhelmed, tired and bitchy. I think there are pills for this sort of imbalance. It is not fair to take it out on people i love...but maybe in some twisted thought I feel like they are the ones that caused it.
i think i am jealous of others lives...people that have their dreams come true, or my dreams come true in their lives. It seems like it takes no effort at all--that life just throws out the red carpet for certain people. I am lost in life. it feels like coming in from a bright sunny day into the house and it is so bright that you stumble around to find steady ground and all you see is nothingness. its that standing still, knowing that soon your eyes will adjust, but the wait is frustrating....
there is my life...in reality....then there is my life is theory. i had it all figured out. i knew where i was, who i was with and where i was going...now i am just lost. and being lost make me angry.
3 comments:
Ummm...I don't think that you are a failure. I love you!
Give it some time........you just made a huge change in your life, actually several big changes, new city, job, living with your family again and with your husband, getting used to being here, that would be unsettling for anyone, be patient and steadfast as hard and annoying as that may sound. And maybe you should let the red carpet be rolled out for you, quit worrying about it, just do what you want to do! Just let it come! I love you and i am here if you need to vent.
Chrissi, I feel the exact same way most of the time. I feel like I am drifting, while everyone else is living. I get upset when people get chances I feel like I never get. I am not sure what can be done about it sadly. But I love you and if you need to talk to someone and commiserate, I am here
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