i had a good weekend i think. it was alright but tonight was the icing! i helped out with a youth event at a friends church called 24God. it was real cool. preaching was dynamic, kids were kids. i was a little apprehensive at first, but got coaxed into it. tonight was the last service and i went up to a long time friend and prayed with her , then i asked her if she wanted to tag team with me by praying with each of the kids there. i really want to pray with everyone, but time lapsed and there is only so much you can do. it was awesome. speaking God's truth and love into the lives of people. i think that is the awesome part. it is amazing how humbling yourself into serving others can be so uplifting. it made a huge impact (at least i hope it did) in the lives of the ones we got to pray for.
see, i am the happiest when i am doing Gods work. simple acts of love and beauty, so rewarding and fulfilling. yet it is hard sometimes. hard to be consistent. hard to stay humbled.
please continue to pray for me as i know you do.
c.ALIce
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Friday, November 26, 2004
i know.............. i know
i know it has been a long time since i posted...just like me, unreliable. its been a hard couple weeks. i am not sure why, just in a quiet mood. i just dont think that there is much going on in my life that is that noteworthy. i made one of my friends upset at me, but that is not to hard to do sometimes. i hate it when i feel like people are disappointed in me, who am i kidding? i am my worse critic. basic prayer training a couple weeks ago was amazing, but it seems like since then i have just been attacked. i am just overall dissatisfied with my life. i want to do something beyond work at a restaurant all my life. i love my job most days until they started feeling less like a family and more corporate. less about quality, more about quantity, but i guess that is the business world.
i feel like i have to remind myself often things to be happy about. and i have many blessings in my life. i felt so disconnected to God the last couple months that i just felt like i needed to do a 40 day fast...then again i change my mind. what profit is it to deny yourself food when in that denial you are not filling yourself up with Jesus. fasting is the most beneficial act i think i have ever done, but nonetheless the hardest. i guess i am an extremist, instead of just sitting and spending time with God, i feel like i have to deny myself of anything and everything just to try to prove something. i am over it.
boy sit: another thing i am SO OVER. i feel like i break my heart more often than any man could. hey, if he doesnt want to be with me, thats his loss right? doesnt make it feel any better though to feel rejected. i am sure everyone goes through it.
i hate being judged. sometimes i feel through this blogging that people invest in an idea of who they think i am. if i read over my own blogs i would feel like i was such a pessimist and so lame and uncool. i think for me writing is like art, it is a way to release and vent some emotions. i am one that likes to bottle things up inside, so if i write about it, i feel a lot better. You poor souls that read such "melodramatic bitching" must have one screwed up perception. if i was having a good day, i probably wouldn't vent about it. i havent written in a while, and havent done art in quite sometime, that may be the reason i have been irritable.
good things: parents finally got a new house. they plan on moving BY the spring, which means i will have some freedom to do what i want. it feels even guilty to say that i want to move on because i feel like i am leaving them high and dry, but they had their chance to live, now its my turn! what do i plan to do??? well sisters and i are going to isreal in february till march (like 10 days or so) and that will be incredible. i am very excited, but it will come and go so quickly. after that, who knows. i am thinking about moving to california for a couple months just to say later in life that i lived there. i want to be somewhere that has oppurtunities for what i really want to do, to gain some experience so i can go somewhere else. but that is 6 months away, and i am not making any promises because i have learned that i cant foretell the future, so there is no telling what will happen by then. Maybe be some random act of God i might find Mr.Right and ....well you can fill in the blanks on that one. i am not really holding out for it, because i have to learn to let go of control. i do however want to get on with my life. i am 26 years old. i think it is time to look forward to something other than the next bill in the mail. speaking of bills....do you have any idea how frustrating and deadlocking it is to be in debt!!! ugh i hate it. mine is basically school and car...but still...money is so temporary and life is so short, i dont want to live my life to pay bills/debt. i just want to be free of it. i find it hard to move on with life, get a job i may not enjoy or leave my comfort zone with it hanging over my head. ahh...i guess we will always live with it, just need to learn to deal with it.
i need to get my butt back on track and get back to learning. i have been quite the slacker. i think somewhere deep inside i have an ample amount of ambition and will power that i have yet to tap into. somedays i can feel it. other days, i think i supress it.
i noticed i have very many people in my life that question my decisions. one of my friends said i wasnt allowed to move to california...why the ultimate answer? cause she would miss me. it is very flattering, but it is as if she doesnt see my motive as being pure in its intent, and only sees that it probably wont benefit me. i love her to death, but times thinsg like that make me want to go even more, and step back and breathe to know that she isnt making my decisions for me. when i was discussing with a friend about my intents to fast, it was like 20 questions on why and a lack of trust that i was making the right decision. its ok. i am priviledged to have those people in my life, but sometimes, i need to make my own mistakes and learn from them. i dont want to be held back based on others opinions/ reactions.
thanksgiving was sorta bust. work was good, i made good money, but just the fact that i had to work (like for the last 8 years) on my favorite holiday kind of gets to me. i dont mind christmas, new years, easter.....but i love thanksgiving, a whole day of fun and laughter in my house that i miss because i am catering to some lazy-ass people that dont like to cook.
i think i am done venting. it is nice to get it off my chest though. please dont think i am....whatever....think what you want...i am just not wearing the happy mask because i hope you'll like me better. everyone goes through these times, why should i pretend i am any different. if i did, then maybe people would think they were wrong to feel such and such a way. its not wrong. its human.
i promise i will try to write more often. i am really fine. i just needed some time to be quiet and thoughtful.
i love all you all for even caring to read. it really does impress me. there is something real genuine and raw about knowing that people want to know me and whats going on in my life.
until again my friends
c.ALIce
i feel like i have to remind myself often things to be happy about. and i have many blessings in my life. i felt so disconnected to God the last couple months that i just felt like i needed to do a 40 day fast...then again i change my mind. what profit is it to deny yourself food when in that denial you are not filling yourself up with Jesus. fasting is the most beneficial act i think i have ever done, but nonetheless the hardest. i guess i am an extremist, instead of just sitting and spending time with God, i feel like i have to deny myself of anything and everything just to try to prove something. i am over it.
boy sit: another thing i am SO OVER. i feel like i break my heart more often than any man could. hey, if he doesnt want to be with me, thats his loss right? doesnt make it feel any better though to feel rejected. i am sure everyone goes through it.
i hate being judged. sometimes i feel through this blogging that people invest in an idea of who they think i am. if i read over my own blogs i would feel like i was such a pessimist and so lame and uncool. i think for me writing is like art, it is a way to release and vent some emotions. i am one that likes to bottle things up inside, so if i write about it, i feel a lot better. You poor souls that read such "melodramatic bitching" must have one screwed up perception. if i was having a good day, i probably wouldn't vent about it. i havent written in a while, and havent done art in quite sometime, that may be the reason i have been irritable.
good things: parents finally got a new house. they plan on moving BY the spring, which means i will have some freedom to do what i want. it feels even guilty to say that i want to move on because i feel like i am leaving them high and dry, but they had their chance to live, now its my turn! what do i plan to do??? well sisters and i are going to isreal in february till march (like 10 days or so) and that will be incredible. i am very excited, but it will come and go so quickly. after that, who knows. i am thinking about moving to california for a couple months just to say later in life that i lived there. i want to be somewhere that has oppurtunities for what i really want to do, to gain some experience so i can go somewhere else. but that is 6 months away, and i am not making any promises because i have learned that i cant foretell the future, so there is no telling what will happen by then. Maybe be some random act of God i might find Mr.Right and ....well you can fill in the blanks on that one. i am not really holding out for it, because i have to learn to let go of control. i do however want to get on with my life. i am 26 years old. i think it is time to look forward to something other than the next bill in the mail. speaking of bills....do you have any idea how frustrating and deadlocking it is to be in debt!!! ugh i hate it. mine is basically school and car...but still...money is so temporary and life is so short, i dont want to live my life to pay bills/debt. i just want to be free of it. i find it hard to move on with life, get a job i may not enjoy or leave my comfort zone with it hanging over my head. ahh...i guess we will always live with it, just need to learn to deal with it.
i need to get my butt back on track and get back to learning. i have been quite the slacker. i think somewhere deep inside i have an ample amount of ambition and will power that i have yet to tap into. somedays i can feel it. other days, i think i supress it.
i noticed i have very many people in my life that question my decisions. one of my friends said i wasnt allowed to move to california...why the ultimate answer? cause she would miss me. it is very flattering, but it is as if she doesnt see my motive as being pure in its intent, and only sees that it probably wont benefit me. i love her to death, but times thinsg like that make me want to go even more, and step back and breathe to know that she isnt making my decisions for me. when i was discussing with a friend about my intents to fast, it was like 20 questions on why and a lack of trust that i was making the right decision. its ok. i am priviledged to have those people in my life, but sometimes, i need to make my own mistakes and learn from them. i dont want to be held back based on others opinions/ reactions.
thanksgiving was sorta bust. work was good, i made good money, but just the fact that i had to work (like for the last 8 years) on my favorite holiday kind of gets to me. i dont mind christmas, new years, easter.....but i love thanksgiving, a whole day of fun and laughter in my house that i miss because i am catering to some lazy-ass people that dont like to cook.
i think i am done venting. it is nice to get it off my chest though. please dont think i am....whatever....think what you want...i am just not wearing the happy mask because i hope you'll like me better. everyone goes through these times, why should i pretend i am any different. if i did, then maybe people would think they were wrong to feel such and such a way. its not wrong. its human.
i promise i will try to write more often. i am really fine. i just needed some time to be quiet and thoughtful.
i love all you all for even caring to read. it really does impress me. there is something real genuine and raw about knowing that people want to know me and whats going on in my life.
until again my friends
c.ALIce
Sunday, November 07, 2004
sundays are for naps!!
another lazy sunday. i love watching the patriots play, they are by far my favorite team. it sucks sometimes though because i really dont have anyone to watch with me. its alright, i'll live!
i went today to kings island. it was the last day that it is open this year, and a beautiful day at that. sarah and i went to get blue ice cream (the only reason we go) and totally got jipped. i have been disappointed alot today actually and i am sorta sick of it. chipotle doesnt know what "extra cheese" means. pki employees are NEVER happy and totally scamming on the ice cream (like it comes out of their paychecks). i love to moan and groan...if the patriots end up losing i will be a very unhappy chica today.
went to winchester on friday...hoping to see "what's his name" and he was there, but also heard some disturbing information about him. i hate to judge or have a misconception of someone based on others points of view, but i also dont like games. i am about done with it. i am not asking for a lifetime commitment, and he seems to be running scared that i am, or being WAY too protective of himself on account of past failures. i have enough baggage of my own. doesnt over-merit the fact that i do like him. but i have liked alot of people, and i've been single for long enough to not have to or want to deal with bullshit. i was glad to see orrin, and others. i brought a good crowd of people and we all had a good time and got to know each other a little better...that was my ultimate goal in the first place. i think what the church is doing is awesome and i want to support them in that. lots of cool people there...i hope that i can go next month as well...maybe then they will set up the volleyball net (cause i am dying to play).
i havent been in the mood much lately to write in the blog. doesnt seem like anything all that interesting is going on lately. i just really have ups and downs in life and unfortunately whoever reads this gets the brunt of it.
my sisters and i are planning a trip to isreal in february. i am very excited to go. it is a chance of a lifetime. i am still not sure where i will be in a year. with the parents moving and me getting somewhat sick of my job, and this want to really go somewhere, i feel a huge change coming. i am kind of stuck, i like being where i am, i feel like i am growing here and i dont want to lose that, making some good connections, but still, i want to go somewhere....maybe i just need a vacation! go to a beach or something...cali or florida? i have a job fair thing on the 18th that might send me to indiana. who knows what i will do with my life. i just want to be happy, and frankly i dont think i have it in me to settle for less than that.
well i am going to get back to some patriot action!!
i went today to kings island. it was the last day that it is open this year, and a beautiful day at that. sarah and i went to get blue ice cream (the only reason we go) and totally got jipped. i have been disappointed alot today actually and i am sorta sick of it. chipotle doesnt know what "extra cheese" means. pki employees are NEVER happy and totally scamming on the ice cream (like it comes out of their paychecks). i love to moan and groan...if the patriots end up losing i will be a very unhappy chica today.
went to winchester on friday...hoping to see "what's his name" and he was there, but also heard some disturbing information about him. i hate to judge or have a misconception of someone based on others points of view, but i also dont like games. i am about done with it. i am not asking for a lifetime commitment, and he seems to be running scared that i am, or being WAY too protective of himself on account of past failures. i have enough baggage of my own. doesnt over-merit the fact that i do like him. but i have liked alot of people, and i've been single for long enough to not have to or want to deal with bullshit. i was glad to see orrin, and others. i brought a good crowd of people and we all had a good time and got to know each other a little better...that was my ultimate goal in the first place. i think what the church is doing is awesome and i want to support them in that. lots of cool people there...i hope that i can go next month as well...maybe then they will set up the volleyball net (cause i am dying to play).
i havent been in the mood much lately to write in the blog. doesnt seem like anything all that interesting is going on lately. i just really have ups and downs in life and unfortunately whoever reads this gets the brunt of it.
my sisters and i are planning a trip to isreal in february. i am very excited to go. it is a chance of a lifetime. i am still not sure where i will be in a year. with the parents moving and me getting somewhat sick of my job, and this want to really go somewhere, i feel a huge change coming. i am kind of stuck, i like being where i am, i feel like i am growing here and i dont want to lose that, making some good connections, but still, i want to go somewhere....maybe i just need a vacation! go to a beach or something...cali or florida? i have a job fair thing on the 18th that might send me to indiana. who knows what i will do with my life. i just want to be happy, and frankly i dont think i have it in me to settle for less than that.
well i am going to get back to some patriot action!!
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Its my BIRTHDAY!!!!
did i tell anyone that today is, or shall i say, was my birthday? November 3rd, 1978...i dont feel old by any means. i still feel like i am 16. wanna know what i got for my birthday? its funny! last year i had to get a new drivers license and within 2 months i had lost it, so i had to get another one. i lose my id all the time, so it is really nothing trajic. well yesterday i recieved my old license in the mail, from a guy that found it on vine street. how random ya know?
i had a good birthday, nothing spectacular, but simple, just feels like any other day actually. i know that i am growing, but i feel so much more about growing spiritually, i havent aged all that much since high school. just the other day someone thought i was still in high school...thats great!! when i am 40 ill look 30!
its hard to write sometimes. feel like nothing interesting is really going on...just kind of living life out yaknow?
i am feeling much better about the "guy" situation. i am not so psycho anymore, i have given it up to God and i trust Him that He will take care of it. The best part about it, the letting God have it is that 1. i am more intune to how to minister to him, and how to pray for him 2. God takes care of me, He fills up the void and gives me grace and wisdom in the situation. It still sucks sometimes, but i am past it...i just know that God crossed our paths for one reason or another, and if i never talk to him again and i never see him again, i just have to trust that God is in control and that he knows what he is doing.
I am not tired at all....i want to do something...but dont really feel like leaving...i think i will read a book or something....or journal...i havent done that in forever! i think alot. but never actually write it down anymore. i used to journal all the time. i think i want to get back into that....its a great way to look back and realize what you have accomplished. this blog helps...if you have read from the get-go, you'd see how much i have grown in just the last couple months!!
well i think that is it....
c.ALIce
*Steph, He loves you!! Remember the first conversation we ever had concerning Him (drive from cinci to c-ville)...it is still true today. He is the fixer and the Healer....allow Him to be that!!!*
i had a good birthday, nothing spectacular, but simple, just feels like any other day actually. i know that i am growing, but i feel so much more about growing spiritually, i havent aged all that much since high school. just the other day someone thought i was still in high school...thats great!! when i am 40 ill look 30!
its hard to write sometimes. feel like nothing interesting is really going on...just kind of living life out yaknow?
i am feeling much better about the "guy" situation. i am not so psycho anymore, i have given it up to God and i trust Him that He will take care of it. The best part about it, the letting God have it is that 1. i am more intune to how to minister to him, and how to pray for him 2. God takes care of me, He fills up the void and gives me grace and wisdom in the situation. It still sucks sometimes, but i am past it...i just know that God crossed our paths for one reason or another, and if i never talk to him again and i never see him again, i just have to trust that God is in control and that he knows what he is doing.
I am not tired at all....i want to do something...but dont really feel like leaving...i think i will read a book or something....or journal...i havent done that in forever! i think alot. but never actually write it down anymore. i used to journal all the time. i think i want to get back into that....its a great way to look back and realize what you have accomplished. this blog helps...if you have read from the get-go, you'd see how much i have grown in just the last couple months!!
well i think that is it....
c.ALIce
*Steph, He loves you!! Remember the first conversation we ever had concerning Him (drive from cinci to c-ville)...it is still true today. He is the fixer and the Healer....allow Him to be that!!!*
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
back to real life
i grew up in a baptist church. i could say that i dont have any bitterness as a result, but i would be lying. whenever we would have communion, it was always prefaced by the need for the participant to be pure, clean and sin-free. i havent taken communion for many years because i have never felt "worthy" or in a place in my life where i felt i was "allowed." that idea carried on to other parts of my life. whether to be in ministry, whether to serve, whether to say anything....this weekend i had an incredible revelation. i always thought that in order for God to speak to me clearly, i had to be a certain way. i had to act a certain way. He again blows me away with his gracious love. I realized this weekend that i dont have to be anything spectacular, i dont have to be forgiven and sin-free before i come into God's presence. "Just as I am" took a whole new meaning this weekend. i have concentrated so much in the past on where i am, my insecurities, my failures, my short-comings, my unfaithfulness, my numbness, my life...i avoided coming to God because i didnt think that i could even begin to connect to Him without having to repent of every sin i had (whether or not i was fully prepared to). i worried so much in my head that i would never become what He wanted me to be because i was such a "black sheep" of christianity. i have never been one to like to follow rules, and i tend to break the rules just to test people and myself. i was so consumed with the fact that i had struggles. it is a blessing to be broken...but the funny part about it (and the relief) is that although i am being broken, i feel more whole than i have in a long time. It truly has been illustrated that He uses us in our weakness.
the weekend: i went to a "basic prayer training" basically they went over prayers, how to pray for others, practice listening and a safe place to grow. i admit, i am not much of a prayer warrior...at least i didnt think i was. i thought that in order to pray i had to stop my day and just be in some quiet place and concentrate really hard. i was so unaware that i pray continually, and that He speaks to me constantly. i am not fond of praying outloud in front of people, but this experience blew that out of the water. i want to pray so much, i want to speak God's love into peoples lives. i want to be used by God. i went in thinking that it was pointless, i felt like i really wanted to be vulnerable then at a point i just closed up. i felt the struggle around me. The angels of God fighting for me. i am pretty stubborn. i let go. that is not easy for me. i didnt repent of anything, i just simply listened...and He spoke, in a voice that was all too familiar, i just never realized who it was. Now sometimes, in my day, i hear it and just giggle because i know who it is.
i dont have all the answers. i am trying like everyone else. i still have my struggles in my life. but this huge burden of "performance anxiety" was lifted off of me. i am not one that likes to fake being anything but what i am...i almost prefer to be dysfunctional instead of pretending i have it all together...cause i dont. today i didnt think much about what i was doing wrong...how screwed up i am, i didnt fret and get frustrated over the fact that i wasnt measuring up to this image i felt like people forced upon me. i simply walked in the idea that He takes me "just as i am" and it became real to me.
granted, from my last blog, i am still struggling with really truly receiving God's love and acceptance. It is still head knowledge. i dont know how to accept it, but each day i get closer and closer. i always thought it would hit me so hard that i had no control over how i would accept it. it scared me that i had no control. but He knows me well enough to know my fears and cautious behavior. He is so gentle with me. He is "becoming" all i need. He has yet to strip me of myself, but nurtures me. He brings me in closer, little by little and i am not nearly as scared as i have been. i am not quite ready to give Him everything, but He is patient and gracious. He lifts up his skirt and dances on my head. He enjoys me. He wants to be near to me. He loves me unconditionally. He is faithful, patient and full of grace. He knows the plans He has for me...to prosper, not to destroy. He opens up the Heavens and i have access to everything He is and has. He makes me laugh. He talks to me with a bit of sarcasm sometimes. He is so near to me that my heart leaps in my chest. i get butterflies in my stomach and cant help but be in that place between giggling hysterically and crying uncontrollably. He makes me laugh, He makes me cry. and the amazing thing is that it is nothing that i did, no deed i accomplished, no proof of extra-ordinary faith, but just because...
it makes me not want to care about stupid boys, surface people, debt or the future, but i really want to stay in this moment. a quiet moment of just sitting on His lap and just being with Him.
no pressure, no expectations, no rules, no constraints...."just as i am" i come and am content in my entire being with just being accepted as i am.
"Jesus, Lover of my soul, You are awesome. Teach me to receive Your love and accept Your forgiveness. Help me to forgive myself for not measuring up to the false expectations. Continue to keep company with me, Your spirit makes my heart happy. Thank you for never giving up on me and pursuing me with such a passion. Guard my heart, send your angels to fight on my behalf and never let me stray from your truth. Become my one and only, complete me. Your lil princess"
the weekend: i went to a "basic prayer training" basically they went over prayers, how to pray for others, practice listening and a safe place to grow. i admit, i am not much of a prayer warrior...at least i didnt think i was. i thought that in order to pray i had to stop my day and just be in some quiet place and concentrate really hard. i was so unaware that i pray continually, and that He speaks to me constantly. i am not fond of praying outloud in front of people, but this experience blew that out of the water. i want to pray so much, i want to speak God's love into peoples lives. i want to be used by God. i went in thinking that it was pointless, i felt like i really wanted to be vulnerable then at a point i just closed up. i felt the struggle around me. The angels of God fighting for me. i am pretty stubborn. i let go. that is not easy for me. i didnt repent of anything, i just simply listened...and He spoke, in a voice that was all too familiar, i just never realized who it was. Now sometimes, in my day, i hear it and just giggle because i know who it is.
i dont have all the answers. i am trying like everyone else. i still have my struggles in my life. but this huge burden of "performance anxiety" was lifted off of me. i am not one that likes to fake being anything but what i am...i almost prefer to be dysfunctional instead of pretending i have it all together...cause i dont. today i didnt think much about what i was doing wrong...how screwed up i am, i didnt fret and get frustrated over the fact that i wasnt measuring up to this image i felt like people forced upon me. i simply walked in the idea that He takes me "just as i am" and it became real to me.
granted, from my last blog, i am still struggling with really truly receiving God's love and acceptance. It is still head knowledge. i dont know how to accept it, but each day i get closer and closer. i always thought it would hit me so hard that i had no control over how i would accept it. it scared me that i had no control. but He knows me well enough to know my fears and cautious behavior. He is so gentle with me. He is "becoming" all i need. He has yet to strip me of myself, but nurtures me. He brings me in closer, little by little and i am not nearly as scared as i have been. i am not quite ready to give Him everything, but He is patient and gracious. He lifts up his skirt and dances on my head. He enjoys me. He wants to be near to me. He loves me unconditionally. He is faithful, patient and full of grace. He knows the plans He has for me...to prosper, not to destroy. He opens up the Heavens and i have access to everything He is and has. He makes me laugh. He talks to me with a bit of sarcasm sometimes. He is so near to me that my heart leaps in my chest. i get butterflies in my stomach and cant help but be in that place between giggling hysterically and crying uncontrollably. He makes me laugh, He makes me cry. and the amazing thing is that it is nothing that i did, no deed i accomplished, no proof of extra-ordinary faith, but just because...
it makes me not want to care about stupid boys, surface people, debt or the future, but i really want to stay in this moment. a quiet moment of just sitting on His lap and just being with Him.
no pressure, no expectations, no rules, no constraints...."just as i am" i come and am content in my entire being with just being accepted as i am.
"Jesus, Lover of my soul, You are awesome. Teach me to receive Your love and accept Your forgiveness. Help me to forgive myself for not measuring up to the false expectations. Continue to keep company with me, Your spirit makes my heart happy. Thank you for never giving up on me and pursuing me with such a passion. Guard my heart, send your angels to fight on my behalf and never let me stray from your truth. Become my one and only, complete me. Your lil princess"
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