back to real life

i grew up in a baptist church. i could say that i dont have any bitterness as a result, but i would be lying. whenever we would have communion, it was always prefaced by the need for the participant to be pure, clean and sin-free. i havent taken communion for many years because i have never felt "worthy" or in a place in my life where i felt i was "allowed." that idea carried on to other parts of my life. whether to be in ministry, whether to serve, whether to say anything....this weekend i had an incredible revelation. i always thought that in order for God to speak to me clearly, i had to be a certain way. i had to act a certain way. He again blows me away with his gracious love. I realized this weekend that i dont have to be anything spectacular, i dont have to be forgiven and sin-free before i come into God's presence. "Just as I am" took a whole new meaning this weekend. i have concentrated so much in the past on where i am, my insecurities, my failures, my short-comings, my unfaithfulness, my numbness, my life...i avoided coming to God because i didnt think that i could even begin to connect to Him without having to repent of every sin i had (whether or not i was fully prepared to). i worried so much in my head that i would never become what He wanted me to be because i was such a "black sheep" of christianity. i have never been one to like to follow rules, and i tend to break the rules just to test people and myself. i was so consumed with the fact that i had struggles. it is a blessing to be broken...but the funny part about it (and the relief) is that although i am being broken, i feel more whole than i have in a long time. It truly has been illustrated that He uses us in our weakness.
the weekend: i went to a "basic prayer training" basically they went over prayers, how to pray for others, practice listening and a safe place to grow. i admit, i am not much of a prayer warrior...at least i didnt think i was. i thought that in order to pray i had to stop my day and just be in some quiet place and concentrate really hard. i was so unaware that i pray continually, and that He speaks to me constantly. i am not fond of praying outloud in front of people, but this experience blew that out of the water. i want to pray so much, i want to speak God's love into peoples lives. i want to be used by God. i went in thinking that it was pointless, i felt like i really wanted to be vulnerable then at a point i just closed up. i felt the struggle around me. The angels of God fighting for me. i am pretty stubborn. i let go. that is not easy for me. i didnt repent of anything, i just simply listened...and He spoke, in a voice that was all too familiar, i just never realized who it was. Now sometimes, in my day, i hear it and just giggle because i know who it is.
i dont have all the answers. i am trying like everyone else. i still have my struggles in my life. but this huge burden of "performance anxiety" was lifted off of me. i am not one that likes to fake being anything but what i am...i almost prefer to be dysfunctional instead of pretending i have it all together...cause i dont. today i didnt think much about what i was doing wrong...how screwed up i am, i didnt fret and get frustrated over the fact that i wasnt measuring up to this image i felt like people forced upon me. i simply walked in the idea that He takes me "just as i am" and it became real to me.
granted, from my last blog, i am still struggling with really truly receiving God's love and acceptance. It is still head knowledge. i dont know how to accept it, but each day i get closer and closer. i always thought it would hit me so hard that i had no control over how i would accept it. it scared me that i had no control. but He knows me well enough to know my fears and cautious behavior. He is so gentle with me. He is "becoming" all i need. He has yet to strip me of myself, but nurtures me. He brings me in closer, little by little and i am not nearly as scared as i have been. i am not quite ready to give Him everything, but He is patient and gracious. He lifts up his skirt and dances on my head. He enjoys me. He wants to be near to me. He loves me unconditionally. He is faithful, patient and full of grace. He knows the plans He has for me...to prosper, not to destroy. He opens up the Heavens and i have access to everything He is and has. He makes me laugh. He talks to me with a bit of sarcasm sometimes. He is so near to me that my heart leaps in my chest. i get butterflies in my stomach and cant help but be in that place between giggling hysterically and crying uncontrollably. He makes me laugh, He makes me cry. and the amazing thing is that it is nothing that i did, no deed i accomplished, no proof of extra-ordinary faith, but just because...
it makes me not want to care about stupid boys, surface people, debt or the future, but i really want to stay in this moment. a quiet moment of just sitting on His lap and just being with Him.
no pressure, no expectations, no rules, no constraints...."just as i am" i come and am content in my entire being with just being accepted as i am.

"Jesus, Lover of my soul, You are awesome. Teach me to receive Your love and accept Your forgiveness. Help me to forgive myself for not measuring up to the false expectations. Continue to keep company with me, Your spirit makes my heart happy. Thank you for never giving up on me and pursuing me with such a passion. Guard my heart, send your angels to fight on my behalf and never let me stray from your truth. Become my one and only, complete me. Your lil princess"