nothing special....

I am sick of trying to live up to some kind of expectation. I cant even live up to my own expectations. I have this idea in my head of a person that I am supposed to be. In real life I have a problem being open with myself. There are things that I want to do, things I want to accomplish and I feel like living up to one standard keeps me from fulfilling the other. I know, I am talking in circles, but it is intentional. How will I ever learn about anything if I never experience anything? How will I know? There are so many things that I want to do with my life. But at the same time I have no idea what I want. I was talking to my sister and her boyfriend about relationships. I don’t think I know anything about having a relationship. I don’t know anything about guys. They tell me that I have an issue that I am scared to get hurt. True. But at the same time I am SO uncomfortable with intimacy. Anything intimate! People that claim they know me well, I feel like I have to change who I am so that they are not as close as they think they are. I cant spend a lot of time with one person before I feel like I am utterly exposed. So I write in a blog, makes a lot of sense huh? I am someone that doesn’t want to be exposed or known intimately, yet here I am spilling heart and soul on a virtual canvas. Again, I am a walking contradiction. Never fails I guess. What do I want out of life? What do I want to really accomplish? I want to be with someone that wants me. I want to do something that I can brag about to my children. I want to travel. I want to be successful at something, doesn’t really matter what. I am waiting to wake up one morning and getting some sort of make-over in my spirit. I would wake up and be motivated to make my dreams come true. I get so discouraged by people that have become more successful than me. That have accomplished more than me. I have a struggle about how I really am. Am I one that could be happy being poor and blessed or would I still feel unsuccessful in life because I hadn’t accomplished something that I thought I wanted.
How do I break out from being so afraid of letting people truly know me. I am not talking about sexual intimacy ( though that has definitely something to do with it eventually) but just in general relationships; with guys and girls. How can I let my defenses down and allow myself to live a little and open up to people? I feel like I am always holding back. I feel like I will never truly let go and experience emotions because I am scared that they will be bad ones. Cant be truly loved because I know that with love comes pain, its inevitable. Anything to avoid pain. I cant receive love. I put myself in situations where I know that the emotions are futile. Relationships with boys are shallow. I cant imagine myself with anyone that was actually worthy, maybe that is a reflection of my own self-worth. Maybe I have lost hope that guys of worth are extinct. Or I have brought myself down so much that I just don’t feel like I deserve much of anything but settle for anyone. One day I will have woken up from this nightmare that is my inner thought life. I am leaving, so now I can live it up and then run fast away from all the madness I caused.
c.ALIce

Running....

The question has been posed more than once that my moving to California is me running away from something. I admit it is true. I am running. I am desperate to get away from this thing that plagues and torments me on a daily and even hourly basis. I feel like that if I move away that it won't be as loud, it wont bother me as much. I am running, and the staying here for the time I am here is killing me. I can hardly take it anymore. I need to be away from it, I need to be refreshed and get a new perspective. I need a new daily routine so I am not constantly reminded of it. I need to get away from my friends and co-workers or anyone that knows me because being arounnd them reminds me of it. I want to be something different. I want to experience something original. I could stay here. I could manage here, but I think I would drive myself deeper and deeper into this issue that envelops around me. It is easy to say that I am not dealing with it, hell I dont think anyone even knows what I am dealing with. Can anyone really see the thoughts that fly through my brain. Does anyone really have the answer to be able to live with it and not let it chase me around the world. It is easier to say to "Let go and let God" but so much harder when you are the one holding on. I dont care if I go to California, Italy or Florida....New York or Bo-Dunk Kentucky. I need a change. Something so drastic that it will shake this off of me. So incredible that I will forget all about what I was running from in the first place. I am anxious at the starting line, waiting impatiently for the gun to go off so that I have the ultimate freedom to run without being disqualified. I am running, you all are all right. I underestimated your perseption of me. I mistook your observatory nature. I am running so far, so fast and so hard to get away from myself.
c.ALIce

at least i am trying

so yeah, havent written in quite some time. december was a very long month!! but it was worth it. i paid cheryl back a little but i still feel like i am in a rut financially, i imagine that i will always be in a financial rut. there will always be bills to pay. i am very anxious to get outta dodge. i just feel so stagnant here. i am getting nothing accomplished in my life. just ready to get on with the next chapter of my life. some are very supportive, especially my sisters, which is quite the relief, some are growing into the idea and others are down-right opposed, but yeah its my life right?
we have like 47 days until isreal. i am so excited. i need to go and figure out my big camera because i would much rather take film than digital pics because i hate digital cameras. there are SO many stupid variables that change the picture drastically. i need to get a bag too, like a camera backpack to carry it is cause there is no way i am lugging around the big steel case i got with it!!! im not crazy! i need to refresh my artistic brain i think. i have been out of it for a while now and am sorta miserable emotionally because i have cut myself off from my source of release. its hard to get out of the mind set of art having a audience purpose...i just want to do it for me...that is what has worked out for me so well in the past. school has somewhat corrupted me in that sense. i feel like anything i draw or photograph has to be something incredible...with doesnt leave any room for growth. i have to get outta that mind set!!
well i am going to go and pack some stuff up and get my room in order to be able to get up and go whenever.
i will try to write more often...i just feel like my brain and my heart just stopped working for a while, i think i am better now.

c.ALIce

time again to write

so i am a huge slacker, but hey i am learning enough about myself to know that i am unreliable and inconsistent. i am currently in new york for new years it is great because i got to spend some great quality time with a college friend jen. it was very nice actually.
i am now on my way out so i must get going (cause the city never sleeps). ill write more in a month or so haha

c.ALIce