Friday, February 18, 2005
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
who i am....he doesnt know
last night i had a conversation with one of my best friends. he still to this day makes my heart flutter. he is becoming this incredible man of God, the kind i would always hope he would. it is as if we switched lives. i used to be the one that had it all together. the one that lived the rightgeous and upstanding life. now, after talking to him i feel like i have fallen so far away. makes me wonder if i was ever really there...i had to have been. i have never loved one person so much. at the same time, at various times in life, i have never hated one person so much either. i prayed and prayed for years for God to raise him up, make him what my heart saw, the potential...the warrior. i let him go, in order for God to do His magic. i stopped trying to change him, i loved him the way he was...i love him the way he is. i learned alot about love and relationships from him. no one really likes him, but if you ever got me started on talking about him, i could barely stop. i am disappointed. in my head i always thought that i prayed for him to become this man so i could have him...but the most painful thing in my life is being rejected by him alone. he is my best friend, but he doesnt know me. he doesnt because i never let him see. i wanted to be what he seemed to want, and i feel like in doing so, i lost him. and all the while i was trying to be what i thought he would want, and who i really am is what he desires...but he doesnt know that part of me. i used to be "too good for him" now i feel like i am not good enough. he has been with this girl that reminds of me of me. her hearts desires, her passions, her true convictions. now i dont know where i am. i didnt intentionally change to mold to his cast, but gradually over time.
its pointless now. again i am alone. i suppose i feel like i will always be alone. i never used to have a problem with it. i have just lost hope. figure after 26 years i would get used to it. he was the only person i was ever open and honest with about my feelings....and he loves me, but there is always some excuse. if he asked me right now to marry him i would definately say yes. i would become who i know i am, not for him, but because of him. i miss him terribly. i miss the conversations, the arguments, the passion of getting along. i miss him...he wants me to come there to be near him. how painful it would be, it is painful enough three states away. why? to fall more deeply in love with him as he pursues another.
i guess one could say i am sad. i am happy for him. i am thrilled that he finally found his heart. i am excited that he has found someone to walk with him. he says mine will come. i say that none will quite compare...cause they wont. no one has that history, that much love and appreciation. i dont want to find someone else. i say that now, until the other comes along...but today i dont think that even if he came along that i would be anything he would want, as is the situation with my best friend. i love him. and it hurts.
i dont want this to come across that i would only pursue God if there was some sort of promise of a significant other....thats ridiculous. i want Jesus, just too scared that he too will hurt me, take advantage, reject me or push me around (like all the others). never compare guys to God....there is no comparison. just trust him and be faithful and he will give you the desires of your heart...i will just sit here, cause i felt like i have tried so hard for so long and still left with nothing. is my incentive for having a relationship with God only to promote myself or recieve blessings...honestly, dont you think that is the way it is. be faithful and he will bless. stay strong and he wont leave. i guess i was never faithful or strong enough to merit it. that fuels my rebellion. why try so hard to wait for something that may never come...i know in the world if i do i certain act, i get a certain instant gratification. with God, there are no methods, no plans or guarentees.
i do want to be happy. i do want to live a Godly life. i do want to fulfill my innermost God-given passions. he always said i made things too complicated. i know that living any other way is vanity. nothing is worth it...only HE is worth it. i know it, i dont have to go and make sure i experience it...living for God requires that you deny yourself and live for others...thats not complicated, that is lifes simple pleasure.
i just want to leave it all. i want to go right now!!! workin on the pateince thing....not doing so well. want to leave every pain behind and move on with life. want to experience new pain.
c.ALIce
its pointless now. again i am alone. i suppose i feel like i will always be alone. i never used to have a problem with it. i have just lost hope. figure after 26 years i would get used to it. he was the only person i was ever open and honest with about my feelings....and he loves me, but there is always some excuse. if he asked me right now to marry him i would definately say yes. i would become who i know i am, not for him, but because of him. i miss him terribly. i miss the conversations, the arguments, the passion of getting along. i miss him...he wants me to come there to be near him. how painful it would be, it is painful enough three states away. why? to fall more deeply in love with him as he pursues another.
i guess one could say i am sad. i am happy for him. i am thrilled that he finally found his heart. i am excited that he has found someone to walk with him. he says mine will come. i say that none will quite compare...cause they wont. no one has that history, that much love and appreciation. i dont want to find someone else. i say that now, until the other comes along...but today i dont think that even if he came along that i would be anything he would want, as is the situation with my best friend. i love him. and it hurts.
i dont want this to come across that i would only pursue God if there was some sort of promise of a significant other....thats ridiculous. i want Jesus, just too scared that he too will hurt me, take advantage, reject me or push me around (like all the others). never compare guys to God....there is no comparison. just trust him and be faithful and he will give you the desires of your heart...i will just sit here, cause i felt like i have tried so hard for so long and still left with nothing. is my incentive for having a relationship with God only to promote myself or recieve blessings...honestly, dont you think that is the way it is. be faithful and he will bless. stay strong and he wont leave. i guess i was never faithful or strong enough to merit it. that fuels my rebellion. why try so hard to wait for something that may never come...i know in the world if i do i certain act, i get a certain instant gratification. with God, there are no methods, no plans or guarentees.
i do want to be happy. i do want to live a Godly life. i do want to fulfill my innermost God-given passions. he always said i made things too complicated. i know that living any other way is vanity. nothing is worth it...only HE is worth it. i know it, i dont have to go and make sure i experience it...living for God requires that you deny yourself and live for others...thats not complicated, that is lifes simple pleasure.
i just want to leave it all. i want to go right now!!! workin on the pateince thing....not doing so well. want to leave every pain behind and move on with life. want to experience new pain.
c.ALIce
Friday, February 11, 2005
Lanruoj....Being
Tonight i went to see A Wedding Date with my sisters and my dad. A totally unrealistic movie. Regardless, I have come to terms with something--i am an incredible person. I am an extraordinary woman. Yes, I have my flaws. I am selfish and proud. I think I am sick of hiding behind this facade of something I am not. I am kind, generous and patient. I need Jesus, He alone can complete me and make me whole. I cant run and hide from Him. He is with me everywhere, and He never leaves me. I am anxious to go. I am tired of being here. I am just anxious for something new. That in and of itself is not sin. I am excited to go to Isreal, to walk the ground that my greatest Lover treaded. Yet, in the same breath He has treaded on the most sacred of ground, my heart. He does not walk on it with disgust, but tends to its gardens, watches for predators and prepares it for its revealing. I feel sometimes I overlook His patience and gentleness for me and I replace it with my twisted persception. All I see is the weeds, the work and the great force that lurks around to overtake it. I see the impurites and fall to my knees in hopeless retreat. I think sometimes I would rather lay down and let it all envelop around me than to take any action. Why am I so scared to be loved? What has wounded me so deeply? I sucumm to any pressure or even incinuations. Why believe all the lies? Can they not see who I am? I dont have much of anything figured out fully, but I know this one thing, regardless of whether I accept it and let it penetrate my soul, I know that i am loved. He finds me beautiful, and for just reason. I am not ranting about a boy, a crush, or a lustful infatuation, I am speaking of Jesus. So real to me, yet such an illusion. I must believe deeply He is real and relevant to my life.
I will have many adventures in my life, my soul is designed for it. My dreams, whatever they are, will come. Sometimes its very hard to get caught up in the everyday drama to find a focus. I need to see the life I am living today rather than the life I might have tomorrow. I have been hopeless. I drag myself down because of my inconsistency. I tear myself up over my unfaithfulness and inadequacies. I am not that girl anymore. I havent been for a while. I project her so that people will think that I dont have it all together. But pretending I am clueless is just as frustrating as being with someone that is clueless and pretending to have it all together. Is it a sin to want to live? Is it wrong to go away from the mundane? I think not. I used to think risk was scary, but I am realizing that taking risks is a priviledge. I am trusted. I have become so comfortable being someone else, I have to make a conscieious daily effort to find my true identity. Some parts are truly me and here to stay, I cant fake much, but some parts are a facade to hide behind my protective wall of safety and security. Risk isnt safe, there is a chance for failure....but each failure is one step closer to success than inactivity will ever be.
c.ALIce
I will have many adventures in my life, my soul is designed for it. My dreams, whatever they are, will come. Sometimes its very hard to get caught up in the everyday drama to find a focus. I need to see the life I am living today rather than the life I might have tomorrow. I have been hopeless. I drag myself down because of my inconsistency. I tear myself up over my unfaithfulness and inadequacies. I am not that girl anymore. I havent been for a while. I project her so that people will think that I dont have it all together. But pretending I am clueless is just as frustrating as being with someone that is clueless and pretending to have it all together. Is it a sin to want to live? Is it wrong to go away from the mundane? I think not. I used to think risk was scary, but I am realizing that taking risks is a priviledge. I am trusted. I have become so comfortable being someone else, I have to make a conscieious daily effort to find my true identity. Some parts are truly me and here to stay, I cant fake much, but some parts are a facade to hide behind my protective wall of safety and security. Risk isnt safe, there is a chance for failure....but each failure is one step closer to success than inactivity will ever be.
c.ALIce
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Cute Boy
Cute boy came up and danced with me....kissed my hand, said "Thank you" and walked away. Was the higlight of my weekend. Just thought I would share!!
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Oh wow! Something accomplished
So I have decided to take more pro-active role in my life. To maybe work towards something...If not just anything. I realize that I am moving in like 4 months, I am VERY excited to leave Cincinnati and experience something new and exciting, but also feel like there is so much to do before I leave. So I made a list.
I sold two photographs to one of my sisters friends so I need to get that together. I was quite amazed that someone actually wanted to spend money on my crap, but makes me feel good nonetheless. I found this awesome place in Fairfield (after hours of calling around) that will enlarge the negative for me at a reasonable price (quality still pending). So I don't have to worry about the extra expense of enlarging it myself. Buying frames and matting...Which makes me feel like I did actually learn something in college!
preparing my portfolio. I have some great photos but have yet to put them in a professional portfolio to show to potential employers. So I had the place enlarge some of my other prints and also have had some printed out recently...dilemna now--finding a portfolio to put it in! That will come I am sure.
calling photographers, after I have completed the above, I have names and numbers to different types of photographers in Cincinnati. One is commercial, one is wedding, one is a bit of both. This will be beneficial when I do actually move to have had some valid work experience to show for. I plan on cutting back my hours at encore once I get back from Israel to focus on working more with my field, to see if I really want to do it.
taking pictures again. Its been a while. I loaded up my camera and read through the manual and am well prepared to go and try it out. Israel will be the best place I think. I also have a couple opportunities with people from work that will give me lots of practice, furthering even more my valid experience.
so all the above is basically career based, but at least it is something. I am also going to work on getting rid of this thirty extra pounds that has plagued me for years. That I think will be the hardest challenge.
parents house is currently being assembled, we should be well on our way to getting them moved after we get back from Israel. Cheryl has tentatively bought a house in deer park, so I will be working to pay off my debt when she can move in by fixing and painting and knocking out walls!!! Fun fun fun!! Then we will be outta this house and I will stay here till a sale is finalized and carol graduated college...Again!
going pretty well...There are still an abundance of issues, but I am trying to learn not to take everything so seriously and just have some billigerent fun!
c.ALIce
I sold two photographs to one of my sisters friends so I need to get that together. I was quite amazed that someone actually wanted to spend money on my crap, but makes me feel good nonetheless. I found this awesome place in Fairfield (after hours of calling around) that will enlarge the negative for me at a reasonable price (quality still pending). So I don't have to worry about the extra expense of enlarging it myself. Buying frames and matting...Which makes me feel like I did actually learn something in college!
preparing my portfolio. I have some great photos but have yet to put them in a professional portfolio to show to potential employers. So I had the place enlarge some of my other prints and also have had some printed out recently...dilemna now--finding a portfolio to put it in! That will come I am sure.
calling photographers, after I have completed the above, I have names and numbers to different types of photographers in Cincinnati. One is commercial, one is wedding, one is a bit of both. This will be beneficial when I do actually move to have had some valid work experience to show for. I plan on cutting back my hours at encore once I get back from Israel to focus on working more with my field, to see if I really want to do it.
taking pictures again. Its been a while. I loaded up my camera and read through the manual and am well prepared to go and try it out. Israel will be the best place I think. I also have a couple opportunities with people from work that will give me lots of practice, furthering even more my valid experience.
so all the above is basically career based, but at least it is something. I am also going to work on getting rid of this thirty extra pounds that has plagued me for years. That I think will be the hardest challenge.
parents house is currently being assembled, we should be well on our way to getting them moved after we get back from Israel. Cheryl has tentatively bought a house in deer park, so I will be working to pay off my debt when she can move in by fixing and painting and knocking out walls!!! Fun fun fun!! Then we will be outta this house and I will stay here till a sale is finalized and carol graduated college...Again!
going pretty well...There are still an abundance of issues, but I am trying to learn not to take everything so seriously and just have some billigerent fun!
c.ALIce
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