Lanruoj....Being

Tonight i went to see A Wedding Date with my sisters and my dad. A totally unrealistic movie. Regardless, I have come to terms with something--i am an incredible person. I am an extraordinary woman. Yes, I have my flaws. I am selfish and proud. I think I am sick of hiding behind this facade of something I am not. I am kind, generous and patient. I need Jesus, He alone can complete me and make me whole. I cant run and hide from Him. He is with me everywhere, and He never leaves me. I am anxious to go. I am tired of being here. I am just anxious for something new. That in and of itself is not sin. I am excited to go to Isreal, to walk the ground that my greatest Lover treaded. Yet, in the same breath He has treaded on the most sacred of ground, my heart. He does not walk on it with disgust, but tends to its gardens, watches for predators and prepares it for its revealing. I feel sometimes I overlook His patience and gentleness for me and I replace it with my twisted persception. All I see is the weeds, the work and the great force that lurks around to overtake it. I see the impurites and fall to my knees in hopeless retreat. I think sometimes I would rather lay down and let it all envelop around me than to take any action. Why am I so scared to be loved? What has wounded me so deeply? I sucumm to any pressure or even incinuations. Why believe all the lies? Can they not see who I am? I dont have much of anything figured out fully, but I know this one thing, regardless of whether I accept it and let it penetrate my soul, I know that i am loved. He finds me beautiful, and for just reason. I am not ranting about a boy, a crush, or a lustful infatuation, I am speaking of Jesus. So real to me, yet such an illusion. I must believe deeply He is real and relevant to my life.
I will have many adventures in my life, my soul is designed for it. My dreams, whatever they are, will come. Sometimes its very hard to get caught up in the everyday drama to find a focus. I need to see the life I am living today rather than the life I might have tomorrow. I have been hopeless. I drag myself down because of my inconsistency. I tear myself up over my unfaithfulness and inadequacies. I am not that girl anymore. I havent been for a while. I project her so that people will think that I dont have it all together. But pretending I am clueless is just as frustrating as being with someone that is clueless and pretending to have it all together. Is it a sin to want to live? Is it wrong to go away from the mundane? I think not. I used to think risk was scary, but I am realizing that taking risks is a priviledge. I am trusted. I have become so comfortable being someone else, I have to make a conscieious daily effort to find my true identity. Some parts are truly me and here to stay, I cant fake much, but some parts are a facade to hide behind my protective wall of safety and security. Risk isnt safe, there is a chance for failure....but each failure is one step closer to success than inactivity will ever be.
c.ALIce