who i am....he doesnt know

last night i had a conversation with one of my best friends. he still to this day makes my heart flutter. he is becoming this incredible man of God, the kind i would always hope he would. it is as if we switched lives. i used to be the one that had it all together. the one that lived the rightgeous and upstanding life. now, after talking to him i feel like i have fallen so far away. makes me wonder if i was ever really there...i had to have been. i have never loved one person so much. at the same time, at various times in life, i have never hated one person so much either. i prayed and prayed for years for God to raise him up, make him what my heart saw, the potential...the warrior. i let him go, in order for God to do His magic. i stopped trying to change him, i loved him the way he was...i love him the way he is. i learned alot about love and relationships from him. no one really likes him, but if you ever got me started on talking about him, i could barely stop. i am disappointed. in my head i always thought that i prayed for him to become this man so i could have him...but the most painful thing in my life is being rejected by him alone. he is my best friend, but he doesnt know me. he doesnt because i never let him see. i wanted to be what he seemed to want, and i feel like in doing so, i lost him. and all the while i was trying to be what i thought he would want, and who i really am is what he desires...but he doesnt know that part of me. i used to be "too good for him" now i feel like i am not good enough. he has been with this girl that reminds of me of me. her hearts desires, her passions, her true convictions. now i dont know where i am. i didnt intentionally change to mold to his cast, but gradually over time.
its pointless now. again i am alone. i suppose i feel like i will always be alone. i never used to have a problem with it. i have just lost hope. figure after 26 years i would get used to it. he was the only person i was ever open and honest with about my feelings....and he loves me, but there is always some excuse. if he asked me right now to marry him i would definately say yes. i would become who i know i am, not for him, but because of him. i miss him terribly. i miss the conversations, the arguments, the passion of getting along. i miss him...he wants me to come there to be near him. how painful it would be, it is painful enough three states away. why? to fall more deeply in love with him as he pursues another.
i guess one could say i am sad. i am happy for him. i am thrilled that he finally found his heart. i am excited that he has found someone to walk with him. he says mine will come. i say that none will quite compare...cause they wont. no one has that history, that much love and appreciation. i dont want to find someone else. i say that now, until the other comes along...but today i dont think that even if he came along that i would be anything he would want, as is the situation with my best friend. i love him. and it hurts.
i dont want this to come across that i would only pursue God if there was some sort of promise of a significant other....thats ridiculous. i want Jesus, just too scared that he too will hurt me, take advantage, reject me or push me around (like all the others). never compare guys to God....there is no comparison. just trust him and be faithful and he will give you the desires of your heart...i will just sit here, cause i felt like i have tried so hard for so long and still left with nothing. is my incentive for having a relationship with God only to promote myself or recieve blessings...honestly, dont you think that is the way it is. be faithful and he will bless. stay strong and he wont leave. i guess i was never faithful or strong enough to merit it. that fuels my rebellion. why try so hard to wait for something that may never come...i know in the world if i do i certain act, i get a certain instant gratification. with God, there are no methods, no plans or guarentees.
i do want to be happy. i do want to live a Godly life. i do want to fulfill my innermost God-given passions. he always said i made things too complicated. i know that living any other way is vanity. nothing is worth it...only HE is worth it. i know it, i dont have to go and make sure i experience it...living for God requires that you deny yourself and live for others...thats not complicated, that is lifes simple pleasure.
i just want to leave it all. i want to go right now!!! workin on the pateince thing....not doing so well. want to leave every pain behind and move on with life. want to experience new pain.
c.ALIce