carol was sorta getting on me because i havent written in a while but no one really has, doesnt mean that life doesnt go on, just means that life either got too complicated or too busy. mine is the latter. about two weeks ago i started working with levi, which is briefly explained in my other entries. basically i am designing anything from logos to websites (for now). i have done several brochures and various other projects. i feel a little overwhelmed right now with the conclusion that college sucks and i spent too much money for nothing. but i have learned so much in the process. i am a bit frustrated because i feel like such an amateur, but i will survive, because it is something that i really want to pursue, and it is worth it to get where i want to be. its just alot of teaching yourself, refershing yours memory and getting creative again. i really like working from home, its much harder that way, one must be more determined, but i love it. levi is great, i like much better to be his friend, a lot less drama and heart ache, and since i met Nat, i really look back and think "what the hell was i thinking" levi is still a great friend, but i am glad i am over that. and i know all of you agree.
i have been working at jonahs, hating it. i am not sure i will go back after my trip. oh yeah, the trip. i am currently in ohio, staying at home (well, sisters) for a week then flying down to florida to stay with levi for training, then i will go back to illinois. its the longest i have been away from Nat, i think we will survive. That is still going great. I cant believe i have stayed with one person for this long and not fought or gotten on each others nerves (i can push some buttons, but i dont think i have gotten too out of control). i did have one of those nights where i cried because i felt so utterly overwhelmed all at once, and thinking about what i was really doing. i let it out, and i appreciate him more. i am in awe that i get to spend the rest of my life with him. its such a healthy relationship (not because we dont fight, but because we can talk about it). i hope that everyone gets to expereince this kind of relationship, and that it will last.
well i am broke. LA was not the most fiscal acheivement of my life, but you deal and move on. i will be ok, will take some time to get back on my feet still because i have like 100 to my name, and i owe it to someone. i wish there was money coming in, but i doubt i will get the apartment deposit back (although i didnt sign anything so i should be reimbursed when a new roomie moves in), and other than that, theres nothing. plus all the debt i accrued while there, i am looking into my options. it is very humbling and it makes me feel so helpless. i have always been in the money, not so much that i was wealthy, but comfortable in my means. i hate not being able to be generous because i dont have anything to give. i am blessed with amazing people in my life that are generous, though sometimes hard to accept their gifts, i am learning more and more about "recieving" (remember my issues).
lately i feel an insurge of a desire to seek after GOD creep in. its been a while since i have had the inkling. I just want to take time and spend with HIM and get reaquainted. i understand a little better how relationships are maintained, and in that i see how i have failed HIM, but not really failed, just lacked devotion. there are so many things i have to be thankful for, and i dont want to cheat myself from a fuller life.
well there is not much else right now. love nat, hate jonahs, in ohio, going to florida, working with levi, happy, content, lovestruck....
abby: glad you love your new house, cant wait to come visit. i bet "butch" is huge.
amber: want to come up, or you come down (but frankly cant afford the gas and not sure when it is feesible)
steph: anytime is good, and call me
kati: you need to 1. update your blog 2. call me
sa: good to see you
carol: train your dog
cheryl: get carol to train her dog =)
jen e: hello??!??! how are the wedding plans?
nessa: do you even read this?
sarah c: reading, will comment later. how is life? stormy?
Nat: you really are incredible, miss you, love you (kisses)
thats all for now...ill try to update it better.
c.ALIce
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Sunday, September 18, 2005
2:53
it is nearly 3am and i cant sleep. i am being bombarded with lots of emotions and can seem to settle myself down. why does life have to be so hard? its like my insides are always torn, like i cant get settled or figure anything out, or be safe for too long without something going wrong. life is too good right now, other than my girlie emotions creeping in, and i almost feel like at any moment its all just going to fall apart. Nat is wonderful. i dont know if God could've given me anyone more perfect. Its a process though. i dont really like jonahs, more because i feel like the work for the money is a waste of time, but i admit i was spoiled by encore (you mean you dont walk out with over 100 every night without sidework?!?!?). the people are getting better, just have to avoid certain ones, and its fine. i really like working for levi even though i am overwhelmed with everything i dont know. joshy (my boss) has been great. i know i can do well, just getting past the learning curve. I have an interview on friday with portrait innovations, i think i talked about it before. i am excited. i think it will be better than jonahs by still bettering myself as far as photography goes. i seriously think i am pmsing, there is really no other reason for all my self inflicted drama. i over-analyze too much. its hard to just let go though, hard to just say, ok,no matter what happens, or what anyone says, i am going to be happy, and making steps towards that. i have been so tired this week. i think with the learning curve i worked 40+ hours with levi, plus jonahs on top of that, changing sleeping schedule, dinners and hanging out. it sucks because now is the perfect time for me to sleep and not have to worry about getting up, and here i am 3am, typing quietly as not to disturb nat, though i seriously doubt he can even hear. there is nothing wrong with me, i am not depressed, angry or frustrated...i cant even put it into words, i just feel burdensome. i long so much for peace, i have a peace from GOd that everything will be ok, i have a peace about where i am and who i am with, i have a peace about job situations, but still, i long for everything to come without a struggle...pipe dreams. i dont remember life being so complicated. i just have to stop thinking......ugh!!!
night
night
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
44 DAYS
I have known my future husband for 44 days. and i have 44, 000 reasons why i would choose him again every day!!! (that was for you babe....kisses)
one day at a time
it was good to hang out this weekend. its so hard to come home sometimes because there is just not enough time to spend quality time with all the people i want to, but i enjoyed the party at cindy's place and the cookout at kate and jimi's....i definately needed it.
i got to hang out with my sisters and emma and steph. they havent seen me since before i left for california so we had a lot of catching up to do. it was a hard weekend emotionally because many hurts and scars from the past surfaced and i became scared that Nat was going to reject me. of course he has not given anything less than affirmation, but being away and not having the constant affirmation was somewhat of a struggle.
i hate my job, they are so mean. last night i was done with all my sidework and silver and stood there for 45 minutes waiting for todd (my least favorite, actually putting the word favorite at all is an overstatement), to cash me out. then on my way home, the exit i usually take was closed so i had to go the long way. its more frustrating because i really wanted to get home and see nat before he went to bed, but that was not going to happen.
i am starting to get some work with levi. i even have an email address (cbond@virtuallnk.com...multimedia developer) i am apprehensive but excited. it is a great time to learn but still i am somewhat on my own. he hasnt given me anything yet, but i should have projects by the beginning of next week. its more like a trial period i think, but he is still paying me (per project for now, then hourly eventually). i talked to a lawyer about filing bankrupcy. it will reduce my monthly payments by nearly 1200. that will be great. somehow have to come up with some lawyer fees, but i have a couple weeks to get my stuff together. i feel like such a great burden has been lifted from me, and i feel like i can do more in life without having to deal with it anymore. it sucks, but i really dont have any other options at this point.
nessa is in illinois this week and next, it sucks to work on the weekends!!! i am going to their moms house in sunday for dinner and then hopefully next week nessa and i will go to hang out together. i am glad she is here, its great to have oppurtunities to hang out with good friends.
i want a job where i dont have to work on the weekends unless i choose to. i go back and forth about what kind of work i want to do. at this point i just want to have a job where i dont have to work at Jonahs anymore. i think i am just over serving, despite the fact i am making decent money and it is on a day to day basis, but i am just done with certain people. i dont like feeling like someone will bitch at me at any time. one day i will lash back at him and he will not even know what hit him. cause i am like that...let issues boil up inside until i just get to a certain point then i just blow. i should really work on that.
i dread everyday that i have to go in there. the people i work with are so stuck up and the money is alright, but not worth the headache. i will stick with it until i know that i have a job that i can survive on, but as soon as that comes along, i am GONE. i think i am still going to work on the photo business, just because it is extra money on the weekends and stuff.
i have had so much time on my hands and there is still a long list of things i want to accomplish. it has more to do with the fact that i dont have the money to get it started. i would have to pay for photos and websites and advertising, so that is the main reason. but iw ill do it eventually, dont doubt me just yet.
You can only take life one day at a time. i cant expect to have it all figured out now...whether love, job, or future. I have to take each day and make the most of it. today i ran a bunch of errands and got alot accomplished. it was good. nat and i went on a walk, its always nice to take a walk with him. we talked about stuff. i really like him alot. he makes me happy!! you can only live day to day because there are no promises of anything else. so each day you have to decide what you want to do and who you want to be, and live that out. you just got to stop and BREATHE sometimes and let life give you the low blows to realize what you true desires are. i am so thankful for where i am right now. i am thankful that i have someone that is being SO patient with me, i dont think i do enough to show him how much i care.
just in case you hadnt noticed, i blocked anonymous from my blog, mainly because of ads and also because people that dont sign their name are rude. so they can suck it, cause if one thinks that they are "strong" enough to criticize, they also should have the confidence to sign their name....it really does bother me!! i got 4 anonymous posts within 2 minutes of posting...STOP THE SPAM!!
i am excited because its the beginning of FOOTBALL season, which means it is PATRIOT TIME!!! i know i am retarded but i think it is fun. luckily my team and nats team are in different leagues. He is a Packer fan (i really dont know if i can handle that...i mean he has to be MAD!! hahah) i like the Patriots because they play good football and they are a team that focuses more on playing a good game and being apart of a great franchise instead of making all the money. i am confident they will do well this year because there are so many great players although they lost their defensive and offense coaches and also bruschi will be out all year (had a stroke last year after the superbowl).
anyway, i am done...i am sure there is more i can talk about considering i havent for such a long time, but i think that will strain your eyes for now.
love you all!!
c.ALIce
i got to hang out with my sisters and emma and steph. they havent seen me since before i left for california so we had a lot of catching up to do. it was a hard weekend emotionally because many hurts and scars from the past surfaced and i became scared that Nat was going to reject me. of course he has not given anything less than affirmation, but being away and not having the constant affirmation was somewhat of a struggle.
i hate my job, they are so mean. last night i was done with all my sidework and silver and stood there for 45 minutes waiting for todd (my least favorite, actually putting the word favorite at all is an overstatement), to cash me out. then on my way home, the exit i usually take was closed so i had to go the long way. its more frustrating because i really wanted to get home and see nat before he went to bed, but that was not going to happen.
i am starting to get some work with levi. i even have an email address (cbond@virtuallnk.com...multimedia developer) i am apprehensive but excited. it is a great time to learn but still i am somewhat on my own. he hasnt given me anything yet, but i should have projects by the beginning of next week. its more like a trial period i think, but he is still paying me (per project for now, then hourly eventually). i talked to a lawyer about filing bankrupcy. it will reduce my monthly payments by nearly 1200. that will be great. somehow have to come up with some lawyer fees, but i have a couple weeks to get my stuff together. i feel like such a great burden has been lifted from me, and i feel like i can do more in life without having to deal with it anymore. it sucks, but i really dont have any other options at this point.
nessa is in illinois this week and next, it sucks to work on the weekends!!! i am going to their moms house in sunday for dinner and then hopefully next week nessa and i will go to hang out together. i am glad she is here, its great to have oppurtunities to hang out with good friends.
i want a job where i dont have to work on the weekends unless i choose to. i go back and forth about what kind of work i want to do. at this point i just want to have a job where i dont have to work at Jonahs anymore. i think i am just over serving, despite the fact i am making decent money and it is on a day to day basis, but i am just done with certain people. i dont like feeling like someone will bitch at me at any time. one day i will lash back at him and he will not even know what hit him. cause i am like that...let issues boil up inside until i just get to a certain point then i just blow. i should really work on that.
i dread everyday that i have to go in there. the people i work with are so stuck up and the money is alright, but not worth the headache. i will stick with it until i know that i have a job that i can survive on, but as soon as that comes along, i am GONE. i think i am still going to work on the photo business, just because it is extra money on the weekends and stuff.
i have had so much time on my hands and there is still a long list of things i want to accomplish. it has more to do with the fact that i dont have the money to get it started. i would have to pay for photos and websites and advertising, so that is the main reason. but iw ill do it eventually, dont doubt me just yet.
You can only take life one day at a time. i cant expect to have it all figured out now...whether love, job, or future. I have to take each day and make the most of it. today i ran a bunch of errands and got alot accomplished. it was good. nat and i went on a walk, its always nice to take a walk with him. we talked about stuff. i really like him alot. he makes me happy!! you can only live day to day because there are no promises of anything else. so each day you have to decide what you want to do and who you want to be, and live that out. you just got to stop and BREATHE sometimes and let life give you the low blows to realize what you true desires are. i am so thankful for where i am right now. i am thankful that i have someone that is being SO patient with me, i dont think i do enough to show him how much i care.
just in case you hadnt noticed, i blocked anonymous from my blog, mainly because of ads and also because people that dont sign their name are rude. so they can suck it, cause if one thinks that they are "strong" enough to criticize, they also should have the confidence to sign their name....it really does bother me!! i got 4 anonymous posts within 2 minutes of posting...STOP THE SPAM!!
i am excited because its the beginning of FOOTBALL season, which means it is PATRIOT TIME!!! i know i am retarded but i think it is fun. luckily my team and nats team are in different leagues. He is a Packer fan (i really dont know if i can handle that...i mean he has to be MAD!! hahah) i like the Patriots because they play good football and they are a team that focuses more on playing a good game and being apart of a great franchise instead of making all the money. i am confident they will do well this year because there are so many great players although they lost their defensive and offense coaches and also bruschi will be out all year (had a stroke last year after the superbowl).
anyway, i am done...i am sure there is more i can talk about considering i havent for such a long time, but i think that will strain your eyes for now.
love you all!!
c.ALIce
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