2:53

it is nearly 3am and i cant sleep. i am being bombarded with lots of emotions and can seem to settle myself down. why does life have to be so hard? its like my insides are always torn, like i cant get settled or figure anything out, or be safe for too long without something going wrong. life is too good right now, other than my girlie emotions creeping in, and i almost feel like at any moment its all just going to fall apart. Nat is wonderful. i dont know if God could've given me anyone more perfect. Its a process though. i dont really like jonahs, more because i feel like the work for the money is a waste of time, but i admit i was spoiled by encore (you mean you dont walk out with over 100 every night without sidework?!?!?). the people are getting better, just have to avoid certain ones, and its fine. i really like working for levi even though i am overwhelmed with everything i dont know. joshy (my boss) has been great. i know i can do well, just getting past the learning curve. I have an interview on friday with portrait innovations, i think i talked about it before. i am excited. i think it will be better than jonahs by still bettering myself as far as photography goes. i seriously think i am pmsing, there is really no other reason for all my self inflicted drama. i over-analyze too much. its hard to just let go though, hard to just say, ok,no matter what happens, or what anyone says, i am going to be happy, and making steps towards that. i have been so tired this week. i think with the learning curve i worked 40+ hours with levi, plus jonahs on top of that, changing sleeping schedule, dinners and hanging out. it sucks because now is the perfect time for me to sleep and not have to worry about getting up, and here i am 3am, typing quietly as not to disturb nat, though i seriously doubt he can even hear. there is nothing wrong with me, i am not depressed, angry or frustrated...i cant even put it into words, i just feel burdensome. i long so much for peace, i have a peace from GOd that everything will be ok, i have a peace about where i am and who i am with, i have a peace about job situations, but still, i long for everything to come without a struggle...pipe dreams. i dont remember life being so complicated. i just have to stop thinking......ugh!!!
night