life

well i have had a bad day. i guess what gets me most in my job is that i dont feel like i can ever do anything worthy of approval. Its like being in art school all over again. i guess the one thing that gets me to a point of quitting is having the thought in my head that i will never measure up. despite the progress i still feel like i dont know enough and will ever be good enough. is that something that is taught?
all well. I guess i just let my inadequacies get the best of me. shows what i really think about myself. if i told myself everyday that i loved my job and made myself be passionate about what i do and learning more, i wonder if i would have so many bad days.
i am trying to figure out how to survive in life, do what i love, and still be financially secure. i love being around people and helping them, and in this job i am all alone all day long and feel helpless. where i am today is one day closer to where i want to be, what am i doing today to get where i want to be? where do i want to be? what do i want to accomplish in life?
i am truly happy being married to Nat, i wish that was enough to feel secure in myself as a person. It only makes me content in life, but doesnt change the rough parts. I think that one day it will just click, ya know, like i will know what to do. That day has yet to come. i dont want to wait around anymore, but there jsut doesnt seem to be enough time in the day to learn, work and play. i have all the ideas in my head of who i want to be and what i want to change...just not enough time to accomplish everything.
i guess i am talking in circles.
so some fun news. Nat and i went on a date yesterday. its always fun to be with him outside the confines of these four walls. we were supposed to go to see superman returns but ended up going to the VW Dealer. we traded in Nat's car for a 2003 VW Passat. i think we got a great deal. We had been discussing getting a four door for more room and accessability. i think its beautfiful!! black with silver drive...wood paneling, leather. oh its perty. Nat loves it (which is good since he will be the one driving all the time =)). One day i will have one of my own. it saddens me sometimes going shopping. I told Nat it puts me in my place...ya know...what i want and what i can afford. what i want...2006 VW Jetta loaded...or a Mercedes Benz...Audi A6 Quatrro..what i can afford, a 1991 beat up ford explorer (cause its free). Sucks sometimes.
so i have decided to start arbonne. hesitant because i dont think people will be very receptive. something about selling things that you believe in but feeling rejected. I guess thats something you have to deal with though. i really feel like i can be successful. I have been contemplating starting for about a year, collecting info and making sure its what i would really strive to be successful at. compared to other network marketing, its top of the line. i would like to schedule some parties (they will be fun!!) gives me an excuse to come to cinci. =) parties are fun because hosts get cool benefits and you dont have to do anything but be there. nice eh? anyone interested? i am sure i will call on you eventually.
jamaica is less than two weeks away. I am excited but nervous all at the same time. lots of pressure from all sides in my life i guess. miserable eh?
i have lots of projects to do, i would like to get them all done asap so i can make more money, but thats not going to happen...a girl can dream though!
anyway. i think thats it. later loves
Mrs. P