Monday, April 09, 2007

decisions..changing

I am not sure whats wrong with me....why am i so discontent here in
Illinois. I havent really attempted going out and making friends
cause Nat and I go back and forth every 2-3 months whether we are
moving or staying. I guess I dont see myself raising kids in
Illinois. It is just too far from my sisters and family. I want my
kids to be raise with their aunts and cousins and friends' kids. Now
all my friends are starting to have kids in Ohio. Of course I am a
couple years off (ideally) but still, i like the idea of all my
friends getting together to take our kids to kings island or the
zoo. I like the idea of raising my children in the tight-knit
community I grew up in. Thats my only real issue. I dont want to
be here. What is so horrible about Ilinois? nothing really--just
lonesome. All Nats friends are already married and their kids are
like 12, just feels like a different place in life. The other
friends are ok, but still in the awkward stage and I just dont see
what we have in common...maybe i am just not trying hard enough.
You know when you meet someone and you know they will be your friend
for a long time? There is that instantious friendship and weird
cosmis bond that makes a deep friendship. I guess I just keep
comparing everyone to my friends back home...I want an instant friend
with comfort and history. So what do you do? Do you stay and force
yourself to go find a community of people that will doubtfully
compare to the ones you have, or do you move to be with those people,
or at least ALOT closer?
Its like my heart is torn, knowing that I finally found a job (for
now) and seems to be perfectly tailored for me-- and also starting
over again somewhere else. I am scared to go back to Cincinnati
because I dont want to fall right back into how I was when I was
there. Cause when i lived there before I left for Cincinnati, I was
miserable because even though I had friends, I never saw them. For
some reason I just think it will be different. There just seems to
be more open doors in Cincinnati; photography company with Cheryl,
hanging out with Amber more (cause since college I think i have seen
her 4-5 times but talk to her on the phone AT least once a week),
being closer to family and friends, being able to rely on someone
other than my husband and his friends and family for a social life, a
church i love, experiencing another era of life with those closest to
me...and sharing my new life with them...growing older with each
other, having kids together, maybe go back to school to get MRI
degree or something else. Then there is the other option...stay in
Illinois, love my husband, hope for big raises and start having
kids...hang out with g-ma yoder and g-pa pflederer and all Nats
family. Try to make friends with people around here, find a church
that we both enjoy...basically we would stay in tremont, go to a
church similiar to new bethel and lots of people that grew up
together and trying to somehow fit into that crowd...hell we've been
here for nearly 2 years and still havent made any progress-=its like
trying to fit into our nbbc crowd, you could, but you would still
always be an outsider. Maybe I am a pessemist. Maybe I am just not
trying hard enough...i know I am not. But where do I begin? Like I
was telling Nat, if we could just finally decide to stay or
go....maybe I could settle down...but in the same sentence, I hope
its not stay here. Maybe its just hormones, but I just want to cry
all day. Its not like my life sucks that bad. I am pretty damn
blessed actually. I am surrounded by people that love me--i have a
good job---what else really do I want?
So how do you decide what to do? You have one aspect that staying
here will be good for Nats career (ideally), that own kids will be
surrounded by people that love them and lavish on them (namely
grandparents) and there are good churches and communities to get
involved in if we, or rather i, would actually do it. and Nat likes
it here. Then there is the aspect that he would do anything for me
if I asked, and I guess I fear to take advantage of that and making
him give anything up. cause basically am i not taking him from all
he knows and planting into MY city. So is it better to find a happy
medium somewhere? Not moving to Cincinnati, but close enough that I
can go whenever I want..but then whats the point...i would still be
in a place where i didnt know anyone and pretty much in the same
situation, just not peoria. Now, would I be happier in Peoria rather
than Tremont. To be closer to the city rather than 30-40 minutes
away. Maybe if we were closer that would make it better? i dont
think so....but who knows. What do we do? We are going back and
forth about it all the time...not arguing, but discussing all the
pros and cons...he has pros for being here and I have pros for
leaving! I just think his career is important and its important that
he loves what he does, but that he also makes enough to support a
family. I definately dont want to be struggling financially for much
longer, and ESPECIALLY when we start having kids. We would be pretty
comfortable right now if it wasnt for all the debt...so thats
promising...but moving away would be me quitting my job and us
selling the house, then I would have to find another job and
hopefully enjoy it like this one (it is fine now, but i wonder how
long i will be able to stand it--guess it depends on how much changes
with the new company). Granted selling the house would get us outta
more debt...its still taking a pay cut and ultimately spending more
to live (cause the house payment now is pretty low and i am not sure
we could get that anywhere else.) see how it can go back and forth
endlessly!
stay, go, stay, go, stay, go, stay. go......i wish we could just
decide!! Do we just think too much? I guess I just want some
unbiased input. Maybe list our priorities and figure out how what we
have fits or doesnt, or if we have to be here to accomplish all those
goals----we just need to decide what we want and what is most
important, i guess....
anyway, I am sure that was overly scatterbrained and made no
sense....all well.
c.ALIce

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Go GO GO, move home.....please....but i am being selfish, i just want you around. And you are right, it would be wonderful to share this new stage of life with you...........i think that has been the hardest part for me.....all the sudden you fall in love with this man and wisk away to illinois and it was hard to not get to know and share in your new love and life.......but anyway.....it is a tough decision and i really appreciate the support you show for your husband........i cant imagine uprooting my life to fall into someone elses...........your courage and love for him is strong and that is so wonderful to see!Anyway, i'm just rambling........but its always easy to be discontent it is never easy to be content with where or who you are......and i enjoy reading how you wrestle with it......it makes me feel a little less far away ...............dont be discouraged, know that we miss you but we love you and want the best for you, so if that means staying where you are for now, so be it..........happy almost first anniversiary............it sounds like you are learning alot about marriage and who you are in relation.........and can you believe it only gets better......with every day and every year i love my husband more and our relationship grows........i look back on the first year and we both realize how far we have come together......it is so amazing how this truly precious relationship takes shape and constantly changes and grows...........anyway.....this is way too long......but it was good to see you this weekend........love you

Cindy said...

I agree with katie...I want you here. I would love to have Nat closer and get to know him better. (It would be nice to have another music geek around.) But more than anything I want the 2 of you happy.

But here's the big thing that keeps rolling around in my head...I truly believe whatever you do, wherever you go God is with you now and will be with you there.

Love ya

nat said...

Well, to add a couple small comments. I'm in school right now and won't be done till Fall 2008 at the earliest. I would truly like to finish. So that puts us at a moving away at an earliest of 2009. I believe that was finally decided when i went back to school, it is to much to give up at this point, I've immersed myself into it and must finish at this point. I know it feels like chrissi is being hard on her self when she says she trying hard enough, but i think we both have just let things slide. On making friends, finding a church, having a community... We have become comfortably numb, or just plain comfortable. all those things she's asking herself if she has done or not, they all have a little pain involved. I think we would all love to have lasting friends and a community with no work taken to get them, But i bet it took some hard work and time to get the friends she has now. Making new friends does not mean she is saying ah ha i can't have my Cincy friends any more, begone you Red's fans. (had to throw that in). Now with me going back to school I'm not here even more. Her loneliness is even more prominent, I'm gone 3 days a week and on top of that even when I'm home some times I'm not really there... I know that she has sacrificed a lot to be here, I'm asking for a bit more. I'm asking for her to take a chance, to make a commitment for 2 years. To try to make friends, to like it here. Its not always greener on the other side... but at the same time i don't want her to stay here and be miserable. I just feel that we finally are making headway on our lives. We are moving forward, yet it almost feels like we are falling backwards instead. If it makes her happy I'll go anywhere, i just don't want to go back to cincy or where and be in the same situation we are now, or were we were a few months back.. I'm not sure what to do. So i try to throw out ideas, but it makes it seem I'm not happy, but truly i just want her to be happy....

Anonymous said...

Pray, Pray, Pray. Ask for his guidance. your people will always be your people. Where does God want you??

I think about you often, and I have only seen you once in the last 4 years! I also need your address cause I have had a Christmas Card and no way to send it to you!!!!!

SarahBethWhite said...

I think we've both had that problem with thinking too much. Thinking gets in the way. Like he^ said, pray about it. I've been learning recently how incredibly important it is to pray sincerely--- and how many of us don't really take it seriously or expect God to really be listening or something. But we both know that he is there and knows your heart and situation. Talk to him about it. He will tell you what to do.
Just pray expecting an answer. Its a lot better than praying out of "duty" or whatever. He hears your worries, fears, frustrations, JOYS. Don't leave him out. Let him guide you and experience this journey right beside you.

by the way... I have no idea where that came from.. :)

I love you love you and miss you always.

Anonymous said...

Hey chris, did you get my email? I was wondering if you could email me those pictures? I really want to see them again! Thanks! love you miss you!