i know.............. i know

i know it has been a long time since i posted...just like me, unreliable. its been a hard couple weeks. i am not sure why, just in a quiet mood. i just dont think that there is much going on in my life that is that noteworthy. i made one of my friends upset at me, but that is not to hard to do sometimes. i hate it when i feel like people are disappointed in me, who am i kidding? i am my worse critic. basic prayer training a couple weeks ago was amazing, but it seems like since then i have just been attacked. i am just overall dissatisfied with my life. i want to do something beyond work at a restaurant all my life. i love my job most days until they started feeling less like a family and more corporate. less about quality, more about quantity, but i guess that is the business world.
i feel like i have to remind myself often things to be happy about. and i have many blessings in my life. i felt so disconnected to God the last couple months that i just felt like i needed to do a 40 day fast...then again i change my mind. what profit is it to deny yourself food when in that denial you are not filling yourself up with Jesus. fasting is the most beneficial act i think i have ever done, but nonetheless the hardest. i guess i am an extremist, instead of just sitting and spending time with God, i feel like i have to deny myself of anything and everything just to try to prove something. i am over it.
boy sit: another thing i am SO OVER. i feel like i break my heart more often than any man could. hey, if he doesnt want to be with me, thats his loss right? doesnt make it feel any better though to feel rejected. i am sure everyone goes through it.
i hate being judged. sometimes i feel through this blogging that people invest in an idea of who they think i am. if i read over my own blogs i would feel like i was such a pessimist and so lame and uncool. i think for me writing is like art, it is a way to release and vent some emotions. i am one that likes to bottle things up inside, so if i write about it, i feel a lot better. You poor souls that read such "melodramatic bitching" must have one screwed up perception. if i was having a good day, i probably wouldn't vent about it. i havent written in a while, and havent done art in quite sometime, that may be the reason i have been irritable.
good things: parents finally got a new house. they plan on moving BY the spring, which means i will have some freedom to do what i want. it feels even guilty to say that i want to move on because i feel like i am leaving them high and dry, but they had their chance to live, now its my turn! what do i plan to do??? well sisters and i are going to isreal in february till march (like 10 days or so) and that will be incredible. i am very excited, but it will come and go so quickly. after that, who knows. i am thinking about moving to california for a couple months just to say later in life that i lived there. i want to be somewhere that has oppurtunities for what i really want to do, to gain some experience so i can go somewhere else. but that is 6 months away, and i am not making any promises because i have learned that i cant foretell the future, so there is no telling what will happen by then. Maybe be some random act of God i might find Mr.Right and ....well you can fill in the blanks on that one. i am not really holding out for it, because i have to learn to let go of control. i do however want to get on with my life. i am 26 years old. i think it is time to look forward to something other than the next bill in the mail. speaking of bills....do you have any idea how frustrating and deadlocking it is to be in debt!!! ugh i hate it. mine is basically school and car...but still...money is so temporary and life is so short, i dont want to live my life to pay bills/debt. i just want to be free of it. i find it hard to move on with life, get a job i may not enjoy or leave my comfort zone with it hanging over my head. ahh...i guess we will always live with it, just need to learn to deal with it.
i need to get my butt back on track and get back to learning. i have been quite the slacker. i think somewhere deep inside i have an ample amount of ambition and will power that i have yet to tap into. somedays i can feel it. other days, i think i supress it.
i noticed i have very many people in my life that question my decisions. one of my friends said i wasnt allowed to move to california...why the ultimate answer? cause she would miss me. it is very flattering, but it is as if she doesnt see my motive as being pure in its intent, and only sees that it probably wont benefit me. i love her to death, but times thinsg like that make me want to go even more, and step back and breathe to know that she isnt making my decisions for me. when i was discussing with a friend about my intents to fast, it was like 20 questions on why and a lack of trust that i was making the right decision. its ok. i am priviledged to have those people in my life, but sometimes, i need to make my own mistakes and learn from them. i dont want to be held back based on others opinions/ reactions.
thanksgiving was sorta bust. work was good, i made good money, but just the fact that i had to work (like for the last 8 years) on my favorite holiday kind of gets to me. i dont mind christmas, new years, easter.....but i love thanksgiving, a whole day of fun and laughter in my house that i miss because i am catering to some lazy-ass people that dont like to cook.
i think i am done venting. it is nice to get it off my chest though. please dont think i am....whatever....think what you want...i am just not wearing the happy mask because i hope you'll like me better. everyone goes through these times, why should i pretend i am any different. if i did, then maybe people would think they were wrong to feel such and such a way. its not wrong. its human.
i promise i will try to write more often. i am really fine. i just needed some time to be quiet and thoughtful.
i love all you all for even caring to read. it really does impress me. there is something real genuine and raw about knowing that people want to know me and whats going on in my life.
until again my friends
c.ALIce