at least i am trying

so yeah, havent written in quite some time. december was a very long month!! but it was worth it. i paid cheryl back a little but i still feel like i am in a rut financially, i imagine that i will always be in a financial rut. there will always be bills to pay. i am very anxious to get outta dodge. i just feel so stagnant here. i am getting nothing accomplished in my life. just ready to get on with the next chapter of my life. some are very supportive, especially my sisters, which is quite the relief, some are growing into the idea and others are down-right opposed, but yeah its my life right?
we have like 47 days until isreal. i am so excited. i need to go and figure out my big camera because i would much rather take film than digital pics because i hate digital cameras. there are SO many stupid variables that change the picture drastically. i need to get a bag too, like a camera backpack to carry it is cause there is no way i am lugging around the big steel case i got with it!!! im not crazy! i need to refresh my artistic brain i think. i have been out of it for a while now and am sorta miserable emotionally because i have cut myself off from my source of release. its hard to get out of the mind set of art having a audience purpose...i just want to do it for me...that is what has worked out for me so well in the past. school has somewhat corrupted me in that sense. i feel like anything i draw or photograph has to be something incredible...with doesnt leave any room for growth. i have to get outta that mind set!!
well i am going to go and pack some stuff up and get my room in order to be able to get up and go whenever.
i will try to write more often...i just feel like my brain and my heart just stopped working for a while, i think i am better now.

c.ALIce