nothing special....

I am sick of trying to live up to some kind of expectation. I cant even live up to my own expectations. I have this idea in my head of a person that I am supposed to be. In real life I have a problem being open with myself. There are things that I want to do, things I want to accomplish and I feel like living up to one standard keeps me from fulfilling the other. I know, I am talking in circles, but it is intentional. How will I ever learn about anything if I never experience anything? How will I know? There are so many things that I want to do with my life. But at the same time I have no idea what I want. I was talking to my sister and her boyfriend about relationships. I don’t think I know anything about having a relationship. I don’t know anything about guys. They tell me that I have an issue that I am scared to get hurt. True. But at the same time I am SO uncomfortable with intimacy. Anything intimate! People that claim they know me well, I feel like I have to change who I am so that they are not as close as they think they are. I cant spend a lot of time with one person before I feel like I am utterly exposed. So I write in a blog, makes a lot of sense huh? I am someone that doesn’t want to be exposed or known intimately, yet here I am spilling heart and soul on a virtual canvas. Again, I am a walking contradiction. Never fails I guess. What do I want out of life? What do I want to really accomplish? I want to be with someone that wants me. I want to do something that I can brag about to my children. I want to travel. I want to be successful at something, doesn’t really matter what. I am waiting to wake up one morning and getting some sort of make-over in my spirit. I would wake up and be motivated to make my dreams come true. I get so discouraged by people that have become more successful than me. That have accomplished more than me. I have a struggle about how I really am. Am I one that could be happy being poor and blessed or would I still feel unsuccessful in life because I hadn’t accomplished something that I thought I wanted.
How do I break out from being so afraid of letting people truly know me. I am not talking about sexual intimacy ( though that has definitely something to do with it eventually) but just in general relationships; with guys and girls. How can I let my defenses down and allow myself to live a little and open up to people? I feel like I am always holding back. I feel like I will never truly let go and experience emotions because I am scared that they will be bad ones. Cant be truly loved because I know that with love comes pain, its inevitable. Anything to avoid pain. I cant receive love. I put myself in situations where I know that the emotions are futile. Relationships with boys are shallow. I cant imagine myself with anyone that was actually worthy, maybe that is a reflection of my own self-worth. Maybe I have lost hope that guys of worth are extinct. Or I have brought myself down so much that I just don’t feel like I deserve much of anything but settle for anyone. One day I will have woken up from this nightmare that is my inner thought life. I am leaving, so now I can live it up and then run fast away from all the madness I caused.
c.ALIce