life not that bad

as you all know, i am very anxious to leave cincinnati and move on with my life in los angeles. i am also scared to death. i am leaving everything i have ever known. i continue to waver back and forth in my head to who i will become when i am there. i am not too worried about it. i do have this intense feeling of guilt sometimes by the way i live my life. not being who i think God wants me to be. But i also wrestle with His love for me, though i know its not an excuse, i just think that His love is bigger than my short-comings.
I am not one that really expresses whats really going on, but still speak of many things in poetic rambling because i still hold back certain parts of my life from those i know read this blog. do i think they will judge or condemn me...probably. take no offense, there are some things in life that just shouldn't be talked about...its just not proper (or so i was taught).
work isnt all that bad. Sid is talking to me again, which is a relief because he is really the only one i really talk to or hang out with. I have known him for years and we have had some pretty intense conversations. i would hate to lose that, and i thought i did. he is stubborn as all get out though. i wonder sometimes why we are even friends because we argue a lot. levi is like that too though. i guess i like the challenge of making up...or i think they are worth the effort for some reason.
tiffany is very excited about me moving there. i am literally counting down the days and trying my best to tie down all the loose ends before i go. financially i am good, except i would like to be more secure. i pretty much have a job once i get there, maybe even two. i am really not worried about it. everything seems to be working out perfectly...so far, i am sure something trajic will happen the day before i leave...such an optimist i know.
that is really the only thing interesting to talk about...of course there are other things i think about that i can go into....but i'll just keep that to myself. i am finding that i am a pretty boring person. i think this blog might be more interesting when i am in california and i can talk about my adventures with people at home without really having to talk to each and everyone. i think i will miss a couple people...but i wont know until i get there.
c.ALIce

another day

so i did a workout yesterday. i really need to get motivated to get into shape. i want to do it before i get to california, even though much of my motivation is in california. tiffany doesnt mess around...she will drag me to the gym. nice to know, but i know i can do it on my own.
i made some money yesterday on ebay. good for me. i should really keep my mouth shut though. i was planning on using it as a savings for california, now i am obligated to give it to the parents to help with bills. i understand, but still irritating. seems like just when i get ahead there is always something there to hold me back. i want to pay off a credit card, but instead of the credit card, i have to pay a mortgage payment. i SO do not want to own a house or have any fiscal responsiblities when i grow up. i dont ever want to rely on my job or income to keep a roof over my head. i will save for years to buy a house, straight out, no loans. i know...wishful thinking. it is just a little frustrating hating to go to work, wanting so bad to leave with some sort of security financially and of course it just falls apart. i thought God was taking care of me, then ....
i love my parents. i love my family. i love many many things, but i am SO ready to have a life of my own. i cant imagine how cheryl feels. she has helped financially far more than i have. she is a better daughter than i am. carol is so broke, there is no way. watch...she will become the millionaire. i hate to complain about it. i hate to feel bad for helping those in need, but it just seems like it comes at the worst times. this house better sell soon!! i think when i get to california that i will be making more money so i can help out more. i am planning on selling my truck before i go, so i can get a car with a cheaper car payment, and better on gas milege. i am still trying to trust Him. Just hard when my idea of taking care is falling apart. the most frustrating part is that i am not making the money at work. i am broke too. i still have bills to pay, and once when i averaged 100/day now it is like 50....NOT GOOD!! thats an incredible loss. especially considering i work like 50-60 hours a week. 25 so far this week, and i still have all day tomorrow, friday and saturday. GOD PLEASE PROVIDE. 46 more days. not a whole lot of time. SO excited and scared to death at the same time. what in the world am i getting myself into?
just pray that God will provide for my family, that the house will sell and we will all find places to go. honestly i think the house would sell if mom and dad would leave when people came to see it...i wouldnt want to walk around a house with the owners still lurking around...but hey...its their house. i also wish they would just get to moving. it just keeps getting postponed week after week. by the way, i am going to need some bodies to help (sarah..your bro has friends!!) i will keep you updated. hopefully by the end of the month...was SUPPOSED to be the last of february...see my frustration!?!?!? just itching for the big change...sick of waiting around.
think that is enough bitching for today. i actually had a fun day. work wasnt so bad, made alright money, and had some fun tables. i think i got to the point that i am not about trying to make all the management and owners happy, just the people i wait on (because ultimately, they determine whether or not i have a job!). i need to get resume crap together though. ugh....one more thing to do!!!
c.ALIce

winding road.

well the rain keeps on coming down feels like a flood in my head and that road keeps on calling me screaming to everything lying ahead and its a winding road i have been walking for a long time and still dont know where it goes and its a long way home ive been searching for a long time and i still have hope im gonna find my way home, i can see a little house on top of the hill and smell the ocean salt in the air and i can see you standing there washing your car and i can see california sun in your hair and its a winding road i have been walking for a long time still dont know where it goes and its a long way home and i have been searching for a long time and still have hope im gonna find my way home oh these dreams took me so far and i felt i couldnt go on and i want to hang out the window of your car and see just how good this baby can run. its a winding road i have been walking for a long time and still dont know where it goes and its a long way home ive been searching for a long time and i still have hope im gonna find my way home...long winding road...still have hope, one day we'll find our way home still have hope we will find our way home.

let it go.......

you may or may not know that i recently got back from israel. spent two weeks there climbing mountains and looking at really old rocks. life changing? nah. i think more than anything it gave me a clear vision of where my passions lie. to work more effectively at getting closer to things i know i want to do. i set some goals. finalized my moving date for california to the first to second week of may....so i have 48 more days in ohio. it made me realize how pointless it is to complain and carry on about work, because it doesnt define me...which is really scary because i dont know how to do much of anything else. the fact that i love languages, so i made a goal to be well versed in 5 by the time i am 30. i started teaching myself arabic. not the easiest language to learn, but hey, its not like i cant do it. i am very ready to get out of cincinnati. i just want to see new environments and meet new people. that is not a slap in the face of those i have known (though some seem to think so, no sa i am not talking about you, or becky). i wish they would all trust me though. i talk alot of shit about going there to spread my wings and get wild and crazy....do ya'll know me at all?? If i cant do it in cincinnati, what makes you think that a car ride across the country is going to somehow magically change my convictions and morals. yes, it is a new place, a chance to re-invent myself, but not in the way you think. why would i want to become like everyone else when i know in the deepest parts of me that i am exceptional and WAY above all that. give me a little credit eh? i am sick of playing the rebel...but i dont want to be outwardly vunerable around people that will give me that "look." i just want to go, and i have no qualms or splitting of spirit in doing so. i dont feel like God is yelling no, if anything, He is saying GO. do you ever have that feeling in your gut, kind of like when you are standing in a very long line and there is no real reason why its not moving and you are somewhat in a hurry to get to the place you are standing in line for. you kind of feel this aggrevation boil up in the pit of your stomach like "come on!! whats the hold up?!??!" that is how i feel. God wouldn't make me feel this way if He intended on me staying. He wouldnt close the doors all around me and open ones there if He wanted me to stay. He would not have given me the desire or ability to move if it was not somewhere in His plan. Plans are not ever set out in such a way that you have NO doubt...of course i have some concerns. But in my experience I have learned to follow some sort of intuition. I was never positive i was supposed to be somewhere until in retrosept i realized how He brought me there and why (sometimes i dont even know why). My presence in other places was divine because in being there i brought people closer to Him in one way or another...most times i dont even know how. I have encountered incredible relationships that i would not otherwise had because i took a small intuition of doing something i may or may not have needed to do. if i stayed here all this time, i never would have left new bethel, if i wouldnt have gone to russia....campbellsville, UC, etc etc...i can see NOW why i needed to go, when at the time it felt so unnatural and unnecessary or unimportant..now i see the lives i changed...people....olga. sarah. becky. kadie. luci. levi. jill. steph. tammy. matt. lori.....please support me in this. stop giving me a hard time. stop trying to stall me. stop trying to find 1000 reasons to stay (cause i could do that too). please just trust me, let me go and love me despite of what may come of it.
i love you all dearly...love me back
c.ALIce