let it go.......

you may or may not know that i recently got back from israel. spent two weeks there climbing mountains and looking at really old rocks. life changing? nah. i think more than anything it gave me a clear vision of where my passions lie. to work more effectively at getting closer to things i know i want to do. i set some goals. finalized my moving date for california to the first to second week of may....so i have 48 more days in ohio. it made me realize how pointless it is to complain and carry on about work, because it doesnt define me...which is really scary because i dont know how to do much of anything else. the fact that i love languages, so i made a goal to be well versed in 5 by the time i am 30. i started teaching myself arabic. not the easiest language to learn, but hey, its not like i cant do it. i am very ready to get out of cincinnati. i just want to see new environments and meet new people. that is not a slap in the face of those i have known (though some seem to think so, no sa i am not talking about you, or becky). i wish they would all trust me though. i talk alot of shit about going there to spread my wings and get wild and crazy....do ya'll know me at all?? If i cant do it in cincinnati, what makes you think that a car ride across the country is going to somehow magically change my convictions and morals. yes, it is a new place, a chance to re-invent myself, but not in the way you think. why would i want to become like everyone else when i know in the deepest parts of me that i am exceptional and WAY above all that. give me a little credit eh? i am sick of playing the rebel...but i dont want to be outwardly vunerable around people that will give me that "look." i just want to go, and i have no qualms or splitting of spirit in doing so. i dont feel like God is yelling no, if anything, He is saying GO. do you ever have that feeling in your gut, kind of like when you are standing in a very long line and there is no real reason why its not moving and you are somewhat in a hurry to get to the place you are standing in line for. you kind of feel this aggrevation boil up in the pit of your stomach like "come on!! whats the hold up?!??!" that is how i feel. God wouldn't make me feel this way if He intended on me staying. He wouldnt close the doors all around me and open ones there if He wanted me to stay. He would not have given me the desire or ability to move if it was not somewhere in His plan. Plans are not ever set out in such a way that you have NO doubt...of course i have some concerns. But in my experience I have learned to follow some sort of intuition. I was never positive i was supposed to be somewhere until in retrosept i realized how He brought me there and why (sometimes i dont even know why). My presence in other places was divine because in being there i brought people closer to Him in one way or another...most times i dont even know how. I have encountered incredible relationships that i would not otherwise had because i took a small intuition of doing something i may or may not have needed to do. if i stayed here all this time, i never would have left new bethel, if i wouldnt have gone to russia....campbellsville, UC, etc etc...i can see NOW why i needed to go, when at the time it felt so unnatural and unnecessary or unimportant..now i see the lives i changed...people....olga. sarah. becky. kadie. luci. levi. jill. steph. tammy. matt. lori.....please support me in this. stop giving me a hard time. stop trying to stall me. stop trying to find 1000 reasons to stay (cause i could do that too). please just trust me, let me go and love me despite of what may come of it.
i love you all dearly...love me back
c.ALIce