i feel like i am in the middle of a divorce, though honestly i have no idea what that really feels like. i am torn into so many directions and i feel so clueless. there is this history in our family where whenever someone decides that they want to go away, dad gets sick. cheryl goes to college, dad has to have 5-bypass heart surgery. carol goes to seminary, dad has a massive heart attack. now, i am planning on leaving for california and he goes into the hospital tomorrow for angiogram, which determines whether or not he gets slints, another bypass, a pacemaker or if he will just wait it out. figures huh? certain things are going well, and now they are getting weird because he is pulling away because he realizes that i am leaving, or so i figure. my sisters are becoming very dependant...or rather, they want me to spend all my free time with them. i have been able to hang out with friends lately and i realize how much i will miss their smiles and impact/influence they have in my life. grass isnt always greener on the other side, this i know, but the experience of jumping the fence is what makes home feel like home..ya know?
i have had a very lonely day for some reason. maybe its because i am tired and pmsing...just kind of moaped about the house with no real agenda and got absolutely nothing accomplished. i dont want to settle, but i am so comfortable here. i am glad that people finally started to become supportive of the decision, though i know it will be hard and hearts will break, and feel the hurt/emptiness.
i see relationships in my life that arent worth the effort. i see the people that dont care or respect me as i deserve. and i also see those people that love me unconditionally and just want the best for me. the ones that i rely on for strength (even though they would never know about it). the ones that say they will miss me, some will, some wont, frankly because i wont be gone from them because i am always there in spirit.
kind of feels like i am about to die or something. its not like i am never coming home. ill be back, though i am not sure when. i will miss blue ice cream. gap outlet. metropolis. margaritas. hugs. kisses. talks. star gazing and long walks. you really realize what you will miss, when you will no longer have it. its like now i have taken so much for granted. there is so much more that i wish i could've done. more time to spend. more focus on people instead of things. to love more deeply and not to hide so much. to respect more people and gain more respect. life is not over, i still have more lessons to learn, and this will only make me grow as a person. just growing pains all around i guess.
love you all!!
c.ALIce
1 comment:
Do you realize what an epiphany you just had? You haven't even left yet and already you've learned so much and looked at your life with such a different perspective. I think this is your purpose for going, and you will come back such a greater person (not that you arent great already). I love you.
Post a Comment