to be thankful

yeah i realize thanksgiving was a couple days back, but reflection time is now. i am so thankful for everything i have in my life, love, family, friends, work, and shelter. i really miss everyone back home in ohio. i am not by any means miserable here, but i realize how much i have there. i love my family and it kills me that i cant just run home on a whim. even if i wanted to, i dont have a car. i miss going to fridays with emma on tuesdays. i miss dancing on the weekends. i miss monday dinners with carol, cindy and kate. i miss random movies and blue ice cream with sa. i wish i was close enough to drive up to columbus when i KNOW amber needs a hug, and a good friend. i am jealous. i am jealous that i am not apart of that anymore. i am jealous that i feel left out. even when i am there it seems awkward sometimes, that the connection is just not there anymore, or takes more time to renew. i dont have anyone up here that i can just go talk to. granted, i havent really made an effort because frankly i am lazy. but then i think, no one, no matter what, cant compare to those i have in my heart, living back home. i want to be closer to my parents. i want to be closer to my friends. i want to be closer to God. i chose to be here, and i dont regret that at all. i love Nat and i want to be with him, and in order to be with him, i need to be here. just a growing pain i guess.
the weekend went very well. it was nice to spend time with my family. i made an awesome thanksgiving dinner (with help) and played cards and adopted yet another puppy. today, i really wonder how long that will last. they are driving me crazy!!! but cute, which doubled the problem. etta knows when she has done something bad, queeny/sadie is a quiet riot (she looks innocent, but i have seen with my own two eyes her instigate), and shyla is of course perfect. dad isnt doing well. people ask, how is your dad, and i guess all i can say is he is having a good day or a bad day. he will always be sick. i cant imagine how frustrating it is. i feel for him. my honey has been sick, and i feel helpless because i cant do anything about it. he is getting better though. i felt bad yesterday, i knew he wanted to go home and i wanted to stay in ohio and go to a movie with my sisters and see kate, so i drugged him and left him. i felt so guilty because i was not catering to him, which isnt a chore by any means. i think he understood. i think thats the first time i knew what he wanted and did what i wanted despite him....its not a good feeling. its not like i have sacrificed my life and my desires, dont get the wrong idea. i just want to make him happy.
i did write a blog again last week, but of course the internet wasnt cooperating with me. it wasnt alot. just talking about the regret blog (see previous). i know that it is ultimately up to me, and i really shouldnt depend on others or worry about what they will think. but its a special occassion and i want to do it right, and i do have to consider those closest to me. its ok, the blog made it out to be much worse than it is. i was just frustrated.
i am really tired, and i think i am going to take a nap and work a little later. i work much better at night (though my boss says i need to be there in the am for clients, even though i dont have contact with them. psycho i tell you.
i love you all. you all are so special to me, if you forgot refer back to sister blogs. i hold you all deep in my heart and i wish i could be a better friend.
c.ALIce

regrets

I have discovered something. I was thinking about regret. I was thinking about there were some decision in life that I wish I could take back. Things I highly regret ever doing. I think that if I could go back in time I would change them. But then I think, if I hadn’t have experienced the things which I regret, then I don’t think I would appreciate what I have now. So now, do you make decisions based on whether or not in 5 years you will regret it? I know that I make decisions spontaneously, but honestly, I don’t think I regret any of them. Life is all about learning from your mistakes, all about living to your best potential. How far do you let others influence your decisions. Should I stall something I really want to do and feel is best for me because I want to make sure everyone is content? Why do people make my decisions so hard to make?

Chicago

Went to chicago this weekend. it was fun. we went to the feild museum, basically a history museum. work is well. i cant wait to come home on thursday, first because it is thanksgiving, my favorite holiday and second because i dont have to work. Nothin too exciting going on. Etta is crazy all the time, excpet for now, she is cuddled up right next to me taking a nap. its good to have shyla around, keeps etta in check.
cant wait to see you this weekend. abbi, you coming up for thanksgiving??? i would love to see you!!!

daily 11.17

so i have been frustrated with work lately. other than computers crashing and lack of confidence, i just really didnt think i could do anything right. today i got sent some icons to do and when i was done i sent them to my bosses and they actually liked them, they said they were "fabulous" and "perfect"... i dont think that has ever happened. i sent something in and i didnt have to redo it. i was so proud of myself i gloated all day!!!
thats it
carol said my posts were too long, so i am trying to do a little vit everyday.

11 days later!!

Well i guess i could say that nothing much has been going on, but that would be a lie. I am frustrated with work becasue i dont feel like i have the creative juices to be consistent, nor the knowledge of the programs i am using to be efficient. i know all that comes with time, but its stressful in the moment. i am having some serious self-imge issues. i guess everyone goes through that time where they look and see what they have become and are disgusted. I am not overly overweight. I am not totally dissatisfied with my appearance. But i know i can be better. I see in my head how i want to be, but just cant seem to muster up the determination to get there. I am tired all the time, and i have a pretty good hunch why. i am trying, but trying doesnt seem to be enough. i am stepping into a new life, i feel like i am getting a fresh start in a lot of ways, and i want to be the type of person that takes advantage of the oppurtunities in front of me, rather than let them pass by. Which brings me to Arbonne. I have been praying for a while that God would bring something into my life that would give me freedom yet still pay my bills. I really like working for Levi, despite the stress. But i want something else too. I am not sure who, if any have hear of arbonne (katie i know you have). But i really believe its something God has put into my path for a reason. I have talked candidly about it to a couple people and they are like "oh really, i was thinking about getting into that too." That amazes me. I usually recieve such resistance when i think i am trying to sell something. But i really think that this sells itself. It is a great product, and the more i know about it, the more i really think i could be good at it. Please pray for me about this decision, and also pray whether or not you have a place in it. Its like anything else, network marketing wise, where you have to build clientele and your own personal business. I am a bit weary of that, because i really dont like pushing things onto people, but i think its different when you actually believe in what you are promoting. So I am asking each of you to bear with me, and please support me, dont dismiss it as one more of those door to door sales people. I have never done anything like this in my life, so i guess that should say something. Prepare yourself financially, in case you come to a party and are interested in purchasing. I dunno. We will see where it goes I guess.
I really want to get into a church. i need to somehow establish myself in Illinois and make new friends. It is really hard to do. I have gotten prety accustomed to nto going anywhere or doing anything, but i also think that i am getting bored. I find myself going into a slight depression. I know i have great friends home in cincinnati, ans also abroad, but i think i need to get more involved here. Its great having the encouragement from afar, but i also need a social life beyond Nat. Ultimately spending every free moment together will drive us both crazy. I feel bad that i dont keep in touch with many friends. I should call people I havent talked to in a while. i should be more consistent...(appears to be a trend in my life). I am not lonely, I am more so in need of people, i need to minister and be ministered to, and i am not fulfilling that passion in my life right now. I am not the type of person that sits around, though it has been very nice as of late. kind of like a vacation from life. Although life is still going on. It was a long quiet moment, and now i am ready to get back into life. I dont want to waste it, I only get one.
yes, ya know i cant go a blog without talking about him...Nat...he is still wonderful. I find it awkward sometimes trying to figure out how it all happened. I have no reservations or doubts, but i can sense it in others sometimes. I am not sure sometimes how to go about talking about it with certain people. I feel as though they dont approve/understand. I am sure that is my imagination talking, yet the feeling is still there. that makes me weary. Its not their decision, it is ultimately my life and everyone wants the best for the both of us. I have no idea what i am doing. I have no guarantees that it will last a lifetime, or 6 months. But I am not about to waste my time either. It is amazing how well he fits with me. How well he communicates with me, comforts me, loves me. sometimes i doubt that he really knows how much he gives me, and i fear that i am not giving enough. i will marry this man. thats not the issue. but the when and where and how...GOD how stressful! I went dress shopping and realized that its just not me. Mom says i shouldn't even think about marriage till i have a ring. yes, i would like one, but whats a ring 6 months before a wedding or 6 hours. We have openly committed our intent, isnt that the bottom line? Nat's mom approves of eloping, but there are future ramifications to that, whether spoken or not. The best part is the celebration with family and friends, a really good excuse to get together, why all the hoopla? simple, elegant, romantic, sincere and festive. I am slowly coming to terms with what i really want, honestly i hadnt really thought about it, though i remember when i did, it was small and simple with a big party. i really dont know what i think about weddings in general, open commitment to others to prove you want to be together, yet honestly and sincerely, its to make the committment official. one day at a time. the thought of it makes me nervous and stressed out. to much to take into account..flowers? cake? DJ? photographer? who to invite? invitations? dress? shoes? tux? location? location? location? when? how? AUGH...it will come in its due timing.
etta, the new puppy is adorable.

she is a little rascal, but becoming very friendly. she will actually come to you and cuddle for a bit, then its off to harrassing shyla. i think shyla gets really annoyed, but still keeps her cool and is somewhat protective of her. its adorable. i hate when they fight though, even if its play fighting because it sounds like they hate each other. But they both emerge alive, so i guess thats a good sign.
i added these google ads to my site. they pay you to do it, so i took advantage of the oppurtunity to make some money. all i had to do was sign up, then i totally redecorated the site to accomodate. i am so talented.
tim, nats best friend, has been in town this week. he is fixing our computers. last night we played poker and shaighai at josh and brin's. i feel like i should make more of an effort to really make more time to spend with them. they really are alot of fun, but still rather awkward (for me at least). monday night we played scene it (the one i got for my birthday..thanks bird family!) it was fun, i actually knew more than i thought i would. last weekend i went shopping, they have these amazing places called malls, and in these places they have things called stores, and there you can buy stuff!! whoa! i really didnt buy anything, but it was nice to get outta the house for a while. this weekend we are going to chicago with josh, brin, and tim. i think it will be great. great chance to really get to know them and have a good time. Friday night is poker, and i think i am going to take the pot this time. well there is always dreaming...but ya never know! its hard to play against Nat, because he bets on everything, so i cant really rely on pushing him out and betting so high it will make him fold. all well. i can only get better right?
next week is thanksgiving. i am excited, should be a good time. going to pflederer thanksgiving, like 80 people...like thanksgiving at the burchetts!! then driving to cincinnati and then back here. then nessa comes in like 3-4 weeks. i hope i get to spend some girl on girl time with her. i especially feel bad not keeping in better touch with her. she is a great friend and we have so much in common. i guess in some ways i figure she cant get rid of me if she tries, i mean i do intend on marrying her brother (she's got to think that is awkward!!=)).
it snowed for the first time today, and it is COLD outside!!!
well i guess thats about it for now. congrats abbi on the curves thing, sounds like it is going well for you. love you all dearly and deeply, dont ever forget that!!!
c.ALIce

right way

so today is my birthday, happy birthday to me!! i am 27 today, and honestly i dont feel that old. who knew when i turned 26 that one year later so much would have changed. who thought i would be thinking about marriage and wedding plans?? ya'll know its inevitable, why wait? dad is not doing well. that concerns me to a point because i want him to be at my wedding, then the other part of me doesnt want anyone there. i just want to get it done. i tell him everyday how i feel, and i hold it as personal and intimate between us. i dont know that i am all that comfortable with sharing with others around. we have basically decided to have a very small wedding, family only. then have celebration parties (sorta like reception) in cinci and illinois, so family and friends can celebrate with us. its all too stressful, even the smallest of weddings. i know, deep in my heart, that i dont want to be with anyone else, yet weddings seem more like making others happy, feels almost like proof. but i sway both ways. a wedding with friends and family, traditional and momentous would be nice, though i sway much more to quiet and small. who really likes the wedding ceremony anyway?? it really is more about the reception. there is a part of that that seems more prepared, though i am spontaneous, why go against my nature? I do want a ring though, i have it all picked out...its beautiful!! i just want to do it my way. funny thing is, i am ready for the marriage, but freaked out by the wedding. who knows what will happen.
dad was taken to hospital yesterday and they were going to admit him, but something about not having authorization so they sent him home and called him later telling him to come back to ER, and dad was like "ah, ill go tommorrow"...he's so stubborn, but i guess that is my dad (dont know where i get it from). mom and cheryl are worried. i'd really like for my dad to meet Nat. I think that is the most important part. i think about years from now, when my dad probably wont be here, and you want him to, but then i realize that he will always be with me. Not all hokey, guardian angel, but I am like my dad, and though i would love to share in all my moments in life, his love and acceptance will always give me peace that he shares in my happy and sad, because i share in my happy and sad. maybe its less about him actually being there for me, but me allowing him to be there.
i think too much.
i really do.
i am excited about my party on saturday. i hope a lot of people come. i know it will be fun.
i hope mom and dad can make it.
i have court today. not so excited about it, but it has to be done.
i will do it my way...just have to figure out what my way is.
c.ALIce