right way

so today is my birthday, happy birthday to me!! i am 27 today, and honestly i dont feel that old. who knew when i turned 26 that one year later so much would have changed. who thought i would be thinking about marriage and wedding plans?? ya'll know its inevitable, why wait? dad is not doing well. that concerns me to a point because i want him to be at my wedding, then the other part of me doesnt want anyone there. i just want to get it done. i tell him everyday how i feel, and i hold it as personal and intimate between us. i dont know that i am all that comfortable with sharing with others around. we have basically decided to have a very small wedding, family only. then have celebration parties (sorta like reception) in cinci and illinois, so family and friends can celebrate with us. its all too stressful, even the smallest of weddings. i know, deep in my heart, that i dont want to be with anyone else, yet weddings seem more like making others happy, feels almost like proof. but i sway both ways. a wedding with friends and family, traditional and momentous would be nice, though i sway much more to quiet and small. who really likes the wedding ceremony anyway?? it really is more about the reception. there is a part of that that seems more prepared, though i am spontaneous, why go against my nature? I do want a ring though, i have it all picked out...its beautiful!! i just want to do it my way. funny thing is, i am ready for the marriage, but freaked out by the wedding. who knows what will happen.
dad was taken to hospital yesterday and they were going to admit him, but something about not having authorization so they sent him home and called him later telling him to come back to ER, and dad was like "ah, ill go tommorrow"...he's so stubborn, but i guess that is my dad (dont know where i get it from). mom and cheryl are worried. i'd really like for my dad to meet Nat. I think that is the most important part. i think about years from now, when my dad probably wont be here, and you want him to, but then i realize that he will always be with me. Not all hokey, guardian angel, but I am like my dad, and though i would love to share in all my moments in life, his love and acceptance will always give me peace that he shares in my happy and sad, because i share in my happy and sad. maybe its less about him actually being there for me, but me allowing him to be there.
i think too much.
i really do.
i am excited about my party on saturday. i hope a lot of people come. i know it will be fun.
i hope mom and dad can make it.
i have court today. not so excited about it, but it has to be done.
i will do it my way...just have to figure out what my way is.
c.ALIce