11 days later!!

Well i guess i could say that nothing much has been going on, but that would be a lie. I am frustrated with work becasue i dont feel like i have the creative juices to be consistent, nor the knowledge of the programs i am using to be efficient. i know all that comes with time, but its stressful in the moment. i am having some serious self-imge issues. i guess everyone goes through that time where they look and see what they have become and are disgusted. I am not overly overweight. I am not totally dissatisfied with my appearance. But i know i can be better. I see in my head how i want to be, but just cant seem to muster up the determination to get there. I am tired all the time, and i have a pretty good hunch why. i am trying, but trying doesnt seem to be enough. i am stepping into a new life, i feel like i am getting a fresh start in a lot of ways, and i want to be the type of person that takes advantage of the oppurtunities in front of me, rather than let them pass by. Which brings me to Arbonne. I have been praying for a while that God would bring something into my life that would give me freedom yet still pay my bills. I really like working for Levi, despite the stress. But i want something else too. I am not sure who, if any have hear of arbonne (katie i know you have). But i really believe its something God has put into my path for a reason. I have talked candidly about it to a couple people and they are like "oh really, i was thinking about getting into that too." That amazes me. I usually recieve such resistance when i think i am trying to sell something. But i really think that this sells itself. It is a great product, and the more i know about it, the more i really think i could be good at it. Please pray for me about this decision, and also pray whether or not you have a place in it. Its like anything else, network marketing wise, where you have to build clientele and your own personal business. I am a bit weary of that, because i really dont like pushing things onto people, but i think its different when you actually believe in what you are promoting. So I am asking each of you to bear with me, and please support me, dont dismiss it as one more of those door to door sales people. I have never done anything like this in my life, so i guess that should say something. Prepare yourself financially, in case you come to a party and are interested in purchasing. I dunno. We will see where it goes I guess.
I really want to get into a church. i need to somehow establish myself in Illinois and make new friends. It is really hard to do. I have gotten prety accustomed to nto going anywhere or doing anything, but i also think that i am getting bored. I find myself going into a slight depression. I know i have great friends home in cincinnati, ans also abroad, but i think i need to get more involved here. Its great having the encouragement from afar, but i also need a social life beyond Nat. Ultimately spending every free moment together will drive us both crazy. I feel bad that i dont keep in touch with many friends. I should call people I havent talked to in a while. i should be more consistent...(appears to be a trend in my life). I am not lonely, I am more so in need of people, i need to minister and be ministered to, and i am not fulfilling that passion in my life right now. I am not the type of person that sits around, though it has been very nice as of late. kind of like a vacation from life. Although life is still going on. It was a long quiet moment, and now i am ready to get back into life. I dont want to waste it, I only get one.
yes, ya know i cant go a blog without talking about him...Nat...he is still wonderful. I find it awkward sometimes trying to figure out how it all happened. I have no reservations or doubts, but i can sense it in others sometimes. I am not sure sometimes how to go about talking about it with certain people. I feel as though they dont approve/understand. I am sure that is my imagination talking, yet the feeling is still there. that makes me weary. Its not their decision, it is ultimately my life and everyone wants the best for the both of us. I have no idea what i am doing. I have no guarantees that it will last a lifetime, or 6 months. But I am not about to waste my time either. It is amazing how well he fits with me. How well he communicates with me, comforts me, loves me. sometimes i doubt that he really knows how much he gives me, and i fear that i am not giving enough. i will marry this man. thats not the issue. but the when and where and how...GOD how stressful! I went dress shopping and realized that its just not me. Mom says i shouldn't even think about marriage till i have a ring. yes, i would like one, but whats a ring 6 months before a wedding or 6 hours. We have openly committed our intent, isnt that the bottom line? Nat's mom approves of eloping, but there are future ramifications to that, whether spoken or not. The best part is the celebration with family and friends, a really good excuse to get together, why all the hoopla? simple, elegant, romantic, sincere and festive. I am slowly coming to terms with what i really want, honestly i hadnt really thought about it, though i remember when i did, it was small and simple with a big party. i really dont know what i think about weddings in general, open commitment to others to prove you want to be together, yet honestly and sincerely, its to make the committment official. one day at a time. the thought of it makes me nervous and stressed out. to much to take into account..flowers? cake? DJ? photographer? who to invite? invitations? dress? shoes? tux? location? location? location? when? how? AUGH...it will come in its due timing.
etta, the new puppy is adorable.

she is a little rascal, but becoming very friendly. she will actually come to you and cuddle for a bit, then its off to harrassing shyla. i think shyla gets really annoyed, but still keeps her cool and is somewhat protective of her. its adorable. i hate when they fight though, even if its play fighting because it sounds like they hate each other. But they both emerge alive, so i guess thats a good sign.
i added these google ads to my site. they pay you to do it, so i took advantage of the oppurtunity to make some money. all i had to do was sign up, then i totally redecorated the site to accomodate. i am so talented.
tim, nats best friend, has been in town this week. he is fixing our computers. last night we played poker and shaighai at josh and brin's. i feel like i should make more of an effort to really make more time to spend with them. they really are alot of fun, but still rather awkward (for me at least). monday night we played scene it (the one i got for my birthday..thanks bird family!) it was fun, i actually knew more than i thought i would. last weekend i went shopping, they have these amazing places called malls, and in these places they have things called stores, and there you can buy stuff!! whoa! i really didnt buy anything, but it was nice to get outta the house for a while. this weekend we are going to chicago with josh, brin, and tim. i think it will be great. great chance to really get to know them and have a good time. Friday night is poker, and i think i am going to take the pot this time. well there is always dreaming...but ya never know! its hard to play against Nat, because he bets on everything, so i cant really rely on pushing him out and betting so high it will make him fold. all well. i can only get better right?
next week is thanksgiving. i am excited, should be a good time. going to pflederer thanksgiving, like 80 people...like thanksgiving at the burchetts!! then driving to cincinnati and then back here. then nessa comes in like 3-4 weeks. i hope i get to spend some girl on girl time with her. i especially feel bad not keeping in better touch with her. she is a great friend and we have so much in common. i guess in some ways i figure she cant get rid of me if she tries, i mean i do intend on marrying her brother (she's got to think that is awkward!!=)).
it snowed for the first time today, and it is COLD outside!!!
well i guess thats about it for now. congrats abbi on the curves thing, sounds like it is going well for you. love you all dearly and deeply, dont ever forget that!!!
c.ALIce