Test of Will...

The more I am here at the PPA conference, the more I realize that this is not what I want to do as a career. It is like dreaming to be a rockstar. I would be an excellent rockstar, I have all the great qualities, the talent and the equipment, but I would find more delight in singing what I want to.

The Photographers here are very talented. They are smart and personable...they take great pics and more importantly, they have great retouching abilities. I suppose I am one of those people that runs from things. I fear the failure, but I think more than most, I see the reality of it. When I met Nat, I worked through my fears and once I decided on it, I gave it my all. It was something that I wanted, something I knew would make me happy and I wasn't going to settle for anyone else, despite the issues that we have...its worth it. I don't necessary run from challenges, they just have to be the "right" challenges" I don't want to compromise myself for anything.

When I first decided to go to art school I envied all the people that were trained from elementary school to be artists. People that spent all their spare time and effort perfecting their art. They were fantastic at it too. Their images were miraculous and breath-taking. I font want to take pictures because I am forced to, I want to create images that I want to. I loved art school, but it had less to do with photography and more to do with opening my eyes to see the world in a new light. My most favorite project was the self-portrait one...that is what the angel wings on chairs came from...and then the sculpture classes...I enjoyed it so much because it was art...no matter how much you loved it or hated it..it was a true expression of me. I do not have images floating through my head of toddlers in Tu-Tu's...I desire something WAY deeper than that. I want my soul to be exposed...in my own way, and in a way that is complicated and unexplainable. The thing I loved most about art school was that sense of self-expression...of letting out all that I have bottled in. I have art projects in my head...

I admit that I am talented. I can see things most people cant. I can translate images...but to me it has gotten to many rules in it. I have become my own worse critic. I think one day I will wake up and think that i will love it all over again, but then I am at a point in my life where I cant decide if I ever loved it to begin with or if I adopted that idea to be "that person" others thought I should be, rather than who I truly wanted to be.

I go through phases in life. I am definitely in a self-exploration phase. rethinking why i do what i do, why i shied away from things i shied away from. I want my life, my profession to mean something. I don't want to go through the motions.

Even the CONSIDERATION of nursing school scares the shit out of me. taking the GRE and all that studying and hard work. Up to this point in life, I have never really stretched myself. I majored in Photography...seriously, how hard could a fine art degree be? It was cake. It was a safe bet... there was no putting myself out there, no challenge...i chose it because I knew I could do it.

I am discovering all these aspects of myself that i think I may have inherently knew but suppressed because it wasn't what others wanted. As much as i like the freedom to do what I want...freedom does not work well for me. I need structure. I get NOTHING accomplished if it was up to me to do it. I learn better in a class. I have tried to teach myself several different languages and I barely know English. I do just enough to get by, just enough to say i know something special. I know just enough of a lot of things to "get by". I have never accomplished anything that was hard or challenging. I have been "trying" to lose weight since I was in high school. I have failed miserably for 15 years...why? because it is hard...its a challenge and no matter how bad I want it...I keep myself from accomplishing it because I like the safety of not having to deal with it.

There is a change...I am oddly motivated to take the GRE. I am determined to do everything I can to score high and get into nursing school. I have always been fascinated with the human body, but for some reason i didn't take many biology courses. I remember doing a project in college based on the human structure and its intricate and amazing design. It offers stability, it offers structure, it offers significance. Working with souls, being in an every changing community and being in a position to serve. I have always reminisced the best times of my life were times and jobs that "served" people. Although being a servant is a menial job, putting yourself under someone, in a very real way it is the opposite. Being able to provide for someones needs and wants is like being a CEO of P&G. It is a profession of a self-sense of respect...knowing that you became something to someone that most people would never do. Maybe I have a twisted sense...but it makes sense to me. It is a position of power...like allowing someone to go before you in line, it is not because you think they are better and more deserving, but because YOU regard them as significant and by grace you allow them to shine above you. Not because they are all worthy, not because they did anything to deserve, but because you DECIDED it to be. It is the power of God working in someone to serve in that role. It is not natural or self-glorifying to anyone but to the heart of the servant.

I have spent the better part of this week trying to figure out a schedule to get into nursing school, do all the pre-reqs (and pre-reqs to pre-reqs) and contemplating the profound thought of taking a large test that determines my worth. I read a book...Nat almost fainted. it was a good book (the shack) but just the completion of something. I have not read a book cover to cover in almost 10 years (2000)--and NEVER NEVER NEVER in one sitting!

So here is a list of truths I think I have discovered in my life. They may not be etched in stone, but its a start of asking really hard questions and answering them based on ME and my beliefs, my convictions and what I know about me.

1. I am not inclined to artistic ventures, I have a nature for it, but I do not love going to art museums or sitting around drawing or painting. Art for me is for me, and the thought of it suits me just as well as actually doing it.
2. I have no desire to sell myself for profit. If I was actually good at selling Arbonne or MaryKay or Pampered Chef or etc..i think I would do wonders in my life. But right now I don't feel my worth is marketable or have too much of a heart to serve to be able to charge someone for a service!
3. I require stability, consistency and do NOT like change or the unknown.
4. I love to serve. I am the happiest when I am.
5. People enrich my life and give me purpose, not what they offer me, but what I OFFER THEM.
6. My hearts passion is to light up others lives...i delight in making people feel better.
7. My heart yearns for joy and peace...not because life is easy, but because it is meaningful. That joy and peace can only come from above.
8. I do not seek adventure. I play it safe. I do not like the thought of skydiving, riding on a motorcycle, jet-skiing or anything remotely dangerous that gives me the sense of not being in control.
9. I have a very strong will, but I am more strong willed to fail than succeed (that i dont like about myself). I have what it takes to succeed and the ability to change.
10. I strive to be around people, they ignite my senses. I feel numb and worthless when I am alone or by myself for too long. I am a waste of time...people are the drive, motivation and purpose.
11. I am strong.
12. I am more intelligent than I give myself credit.
13. I lose vision when i focus on others (envying them or comparing myself to their success)
14. Love motivates me and gives me strength.
15. I no longer refuse to fail at my goals.
16. I love to learn about things i am passionate about...i desire to dissect and learn every knick and kranny I can.
17. I am compulsive about order and details.
18. I am young enough to change the course of my life. Where I have been has brought me to where i am that leads me to where I need to be.
19. I regret nothing, everything, whether accomplished fully or not has a specific purpose.
20. I am pure, sincere, loyal and compassionate.
21. I am beautiful inside and out, as i am today.
22. I am a secretive person, I do not share alot of things I struggle with because of my fear of failure, or because I innately desire the "shock factor".

That is my list so far. Feel free to add your own intuition, even if it is something you know but cant see.
I think that is all for today. Quite and extensive nugget of my heart...carry it with pride! =)

love you all and am thrilled that you have kept up with the blogging.