Birthday Party November 5th

Here is an invitation to my birthday get together. Its going to be November 5th (thats a saturday night) at the house in Monroe. Call me if you need anything. We will probably playing some fun games and having nice talks. I am excited. It will be a great chance for me to see and visit with everyone while i am home. PLEASE COME!

100 Things (carol put me up to it)

1.When I was little, I used to hold my breath till I
was blue when i was mad. that went on until one day
my mom let me faint.
2. i used to push my sisters buttons growing up, get
her to the point she wanted to attack and ran and
locked myself in the bathroom (she only caught me
once).
3. i have a degree in photography, and work in graphic
design.
4. i have studied (yet am NOT fluent) 5 languages
(Russian, German, French, Spanish and Arabic).
5. I am fluent in English.
6. I used to watch Buffy, my excuse was that it was
bonding time with my sister, in reality, its a really
good show.
7. i moved in with my boyfriend within 10 days of
meeting him, and we live in Illinois, and i am ok with
that.
8. I lived in Los Angeles for nearly 3 months thats
where i met my boyfriend.
9. I love thunderstorms and sitting on the porch when
it rains.
10. New England Patriots are my favorite team...and i
am not a bandwagonner (if thats a term)
11. I end sentences with prepositions to tick my
"bachelors in english" degree sister off.
12. I have "dated" less than 10 people, yes in my
life! (dated as in went on a date, and even some of
those are questionable)
13. I have only kissed 5, only two of which i dated.
14. I am considered the black sheep in my family,
though i am far from it.
15. I have smoked pot 4 times, all of which i got
sick.
16. I have been drunk 4 times, but i remember what i
did.
17. I have had my tongue peirced 3 times, and peirced
my lip myself.
18. i learned most about sex and masturbation during
my 6th grade summer at northwoods park.
19. I love horses.
20. I consider my great aunt lucille my grandma.
21. I never really knew my real grandparents, by the
time i came around they were either old or dead.
22. I am the third of three girls...and we are the
best family on both sides!! =)
23. my sisters are my best friends.
24. I played volleyball in high school until senior
year, where i opted to be on the swom team (although i
had never swam before).
25. I am usually pretty good at whatever i do.
26. i dont like to read.
27. I have been to Israel.
28. I have been to Jordan.
29. I have been to Russia
30. I long to go to Italy.
31. I am in love with Nat Pflederer
32. I believe deeply in God, and think that many
times we miss out on His fullness.
33. I dont enjoy church, most of the time.
34. I failed my drivers test the first time
(manuveability)
35. Passed it the second time (smaller car)
36. I had gotten 5 speeding tickets, pulled over for
not having front license plate, for having someone
hang out my sunroof. Been in 1 accident with another
car, and another by backing into a parked car (the
latter of which had more damage).
37. i consider myself a good driver.
38. I am really laid back.
39. I dont like to make decisions, cause i dont like
conflict and dont mind doing anything, so it really
doesnt matter to me.
40. my favorite type of music is jazz (this week)
though i listen to anything from hip hop to blues.
41. I am scared to death of failing, so much so i
dont try.
42. Art school was one of the best things to happen
to me.
43. I have never met a celebrity, and honestly dont
care to.
44. I am a scorpio, and thats supposed to mean
something.
45. My favorite movie is BraveHeart
46. I smoke cigerettes (camel turkish silver), which
is probably why i am considered a rebel.
47. I despise family functions (other than immediate
family)
48. The only books I own are "how to" books
49. i love the smell of vanilla.
50. I threw up on Brian Durham (biggest crush) in
high school.
51. Incapable of giving blood ( i have tried several
times).
52. I have driven cross country twice (to LA and
back)
53. I have incredible friendships with people. Their love and devotion is deep and fatithful.
54. I never went to Prom.
55. I was a Homecoming Nominee for "Solid ROC" the only christian club at school, and the only female senior. It was a horrible expereince.
56. The guy nominee with me is now openly gay.
57. I am a picky eater.
58. Favorite thing in the whole world is blue ice cream from kings island.
59. I love random road trips.
60. I played Viola in 5th grade and clarinet in middle school.
61. i have 2 tattoos, and have 5 more in mind
62. I have more of a heart for christians than non christians
63. I want to be a stay at home mom.
64. i am not afraid of death, or much of anything for that matter.
65. I highly avoid conflict.
66. I shut down when people talk down to me or in a condescending voice.
67. yelling is for football games, not conversations.
68. i hate to be in the presence of people that "bicker" whether play or not.
69. I used to write poetry.
70. Painting is the most relaxing art form
71. I dont cry but maybe twice a year
72. i used to have a VERY short temper
73. I cannot and will not follow someone i dont respect.
74. I respect Nat.
75. I have issues with male authority figures in the church.
76. My pastor once told me that I didnt need to get saved, again (apparently he believed more than i did that the prior was sincere)
77. I feel that many christians need a good spanking.
78. my first car was a 85 mercury topaz, when we gave it away, the driver door didnt open, the headlights were duck-taped on, there was no reverse (so you better have parked on a hill facing down).
79. I like living in the country more than the city.
80. I want to have a garden and grow my own veggies.
81. I am a simple minded person, i dont need much to be happy.
82. My favorite band of all time is "the doors"
83. I have a pair of shoes that i have had for nearly 5 years (or longer) that i have only worn 3 times.
84. I am somewhat resentful towards my mother, but have come a long way to get over it. She is human too.
85. My dad never came to any of my sporting events
86. Mom barely did either.
87. Its ok though, I was a bench warmer. Not for my lack of skills, but for my attitude.
88. I still remember the best play i ever did, when and where.
89. Crushes on boys was the only thing that got me up in the morning to go to high school.
90. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
91. I have learned that i really like to cook, and i am good at it
92. I currently dont have a car. I like it.
93. I love developing my our photos in a darkroom
94. I am very critical of myself.
95. I take pride in being a trusted and non-judgmental friend
96. No one knows everything about me, and only one has come close
97. I have a hard time recieving charity
98. I always feel as though I have to work or eventually pay back peoples generosity towards me.
99. I regret kissing anyone other than Nat
100. I think that holding hands is very intimate
101. Favorite parts of my body: eyes, smile, legs and neck...everything else could use some work
102. My favorite flower is a red gerbera daisy
103. I am highly allergic to rabbits, and mildly to cats
104. I want to live in a different country
105. I would like my children to be multi lingual and cultured
106. I am quite the procrastinator
107. I am somewhat anal, i guess you could say passively anal
108. i love crab and chicken divan.
109. I scared my mom will die before i can take full advantage of her wisdom.
110. I think my family is perfect.
111. I love natural cheetos, and my greatest fear is that one day they will stop producing them. =)
112. if i think of more, i will continue, but i cant procrastinate working any longer.

daddy

Carol posted about dad and letting go. The post made me sad, but didnt make me cry. Is there something wrong with me? I am sad, but i think that i had come to terms with it a while ago. I feel like i have gained much from him. I have spent the most time with him, but in a different way. I think more that i feel guilty that i took it for granted for so long, but to spend time with dad is work, literally. I dont think i am resentful because much of what i know and who i am is credited to him. I am sort of at a loss at how i should feel. if i say i am not sad, then i am evil, if i say i am, maybe i am lying. honestly, i dont think i would give his lack of health a second thought until mom and cheryl and carol bring it up. I love my daddy, and of course there are many things i want him to do and experience in my life, but i think in order to not let it get to me, i have to come to terms with that fact that he might not get to experience those things here. I agree with Carol, I want him to be happy, i want him to be able to take a deep breath and build as many fences as his hearts content. That I think is more of a comfort to me than him being miserable. Life will take its course, and death with it.

finally home

last week was very draining. monday my computer crashed hard, so hard that it wouldnt come back on and i had to take it into the apple store for repair. i will get it back on tuesday, i am so excited. i miss it. i just hope that it will be okay when i get it back. i really need to get some work done! i think i will have to invest in some more memory and i need to get the OS upgrade. cant do that till i get paid though. ugh. never get ahead. i am really tired, and i have alot to do to get back settled in here. nice to be home.

great site

thought this was a great site...
http://bigoldgod.blogspot.com

good day (for me)

i am definately someone that thrives on affirmation. i need to be told, reminded, convinced and i have to have it re-inerated like a thousands times. when i started working with levi, i was already doubtful of my ability...i mean i have never worked in a graphic design anything, my degree is in photography, and i dont even feel adequate in that. i was also coming in under the "Master" joshy (pronounced JOE-SHE). i have to admit he is amazing. and i am determined to surpass him, one day at a time. so yesterday he gave me the complexity of making an icon from a picture of a car..it is WAY more than just tracing. i have about 40 different layers of tiny shapes to get that effect, but i guess thats the best way to go about it (cause they is how Joshy does it). so today he left for school as usual and i was given homework (like always, didnt think this was a vacation did you?). and i made some logos, and they are good...levi even said so. called me the "logo gangster" which is good. i was so proud of myself, i got the affirmation that i so desperately needed to reaffirm that i am talented and able and that i will be successful. i am not scared anymore to take on another task, i am more so eager, to learn more and more, and eventually be one of the best. i am even aweing myself. i sit and look what i did, and say outloud "damn i am good". haha

cut out for something

i know that i am cut out for something in life. i know that i meant to do and be wonderful and extra-ordinary. I really like working in graphics, but i am at such a disadvantage in comparison to my master teacher. its a bit overwhelming, and everytime they have me do something else i get a chill up my spine and an instant doubt of ability in my heart. i wonder where that comes from. it doesnt prevent me from doing it because at this point it is my means of survival, but at the same time, am i really where i need to be if i feel this way.
its a great oppurtunity, and this company (if it keeps going the way it is) will grow tremendously over the years. so being that i am literally the third employee (levi:owner, Joshy:master, me: amatuer), i am excited to be apart of it. what will the future hold. i just feel like everything i have ever wanted has fell into my lap in the last couple months. what did i do to deserve it all?? dont get me wrong, i am happy, but at the same timei am scared that it will all just stop one day...what establishment embedded that into our minds? church? school? society? why do we somehow inately feel that if something is going right it is bound and determined to be destroyed (because somehow life isnt "allowed" to be happy and simple. i dunno, but whoever it was should be shot!
well the trip is worth it, i am really learning alot, and more so encouraged and determined to surpass my teacher. i think that is my competitive spirit, cant allow anyone to be better than me. i dunno when i got that mentality, but i have it. i think it is really taking the oppurtunity and working hard to make something i want happen. now that i am in the place where it is right in front of me. i am determined to not throw it away for no reason.
one thing...(for all my girls that know what i am talking about)...WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING???? talk about settling!! for the comfort of all, the one i have now is FAR FAR FAR (times infinity) AND BEYOND more suitable for me. though i am grateful we are still friends, OHMIGOD, a girl can really convince herself of the most insane things. i think i have walked around life talking my heart into things, convincing it of falsity even though it knew, oh it KNEW, but practically forcing your own soul into isolation and desolution to get what you thought it wanted. how much easier life would be, if we could be so intune with our hearts, souls (thus ultimately creator) in order to truly know what to do, becasue i really think "we know" what we REALLY need to do. our soul tells us everyday, it longs for it with each breathe, we just look for other ways to accomplish the same affect but in the long run, after the heartache and hard lesson, we come back to the same place, where we decide, do we do what we KNOW we need to do, or do we try to find one more thing to occupy our hearts and thoughts in order to avoid the commitment to it. you know what i am talking about....what do you do in order to "run" from what you know is what your heart and soul long for? do you move to another city, thinking if you could just get a fresh start...do you worry about everything, work, school, career, where to go to dinner, what movie to watch?.....do you keep yourself so busy with anything and everything (even though sometimes it may seem "religious" and "worthy")?...do you find someone to spend your time with in order to talk and share openly about what you heart really wants? do you go to movies? run around the block? drive in your car? watch tv? ... do you stay away from people that may actually challenge you? do you go hang out with others that could care less either way?...do you just sit? read other books? paint? draw?... do you search adn search for a "Church home" and nice "christian community" in order to feel encouraged?...do you rely on your current circle of friends to guide and direct you (cause they have to have the answers, because they seem to have it together a helluva lot more than you do...and everyone knows that others peoples opinions are etched in stone as far as truth and insight.)...do you talk on the phone? do you invest time and money into service ( and when you do that, are you doing it because you want to feel good about seeing others less fortunate)...why dont we servant evagelise every saturday morning at golf courses? why do we go to homeless parks and corners of "less fortunate" people?? just a thought? why, even in our ministries, do we show bias...do people with money have less of need? Bible says the serve poor, feed hungry, go visit captives, take care of elderly....yet because its easier for a camel to go through eye of a needle...ya'll know the verse...i just wonder. you have a dream, your heart longs for SO much more, and something is holding you back, and that is probably you. You have a purpose, your heart is specifically designed for it...thats why each person has such unique and dynamic talents and abilities, did you think that is a fluke? what makes your heart jump? what brings about passion in your conversation? what is constantly on your mind? what thoughts of splendor do you contemplate on? why do you wait? why do you sit and wait for the best timing? i think that if you have the desire and the means, do it....waiting is just another excuse. if you never take the step of risk, and trust that even if your timing is off (do you think he will let you down?? especially if you are drawing towards him?)
there ya go, your encouragement for the day. something to ignite that fire in your souls...cause even though you may have poured water, sand, baking soda and tried everything to smother it out, its like Elijah's Fire from Heaven, it is still ignitible...just got to take the risk.
love ya
c.ALIce

yeah yeah, take your own advice.

to make u smile

flOOOOOHHHHrrridddaaaa....(zzzzZzZZZ)

i am exhausted. nothing like spending all day in an airport to make someone veering to get to work. i am tired. did i mention that? i have been tired alot lately actually, cant figure out what my problem is. i miss Nat. Two more weeks, thats all...then i can get a hug, and a kiss. Its amazing how much you can miss about someone. I am sure the vacation is doing him well, but I am anxious to get "home." so i started this little project, but I cant talk about it. i know, im evil, but i dont want to ruin the surprize!! I have been in Cincinnati all week pretty much, but unable to go anywhere because of my lack of transportation. It makes me feel helpless, but at the same time i really like it. i like not having the burden of a car payment or an insurance payment, there is a certain freedom in that. It doesnt make me want to work less, or unproductively, but it just allows my money to go elsewhere. The story is long and drawn out how i got here, why i made certain decisions and so on and so forth, but its my business.
i really feel like i am in a great place in my life. like i have been given a new start, with a companion to deal with me. i feel bad though. i feel in the process of pursuing this new avenue of life that i am slowly letting go of who i used to be. i have changed so much over the last 6 months, and learned much about myself and what i want (and that not being based on others opinions). i almost feel at a loss at trying to reconnect to people. i dont feel like i have anything to say, my life has changed. it has become what i didnt like about other friends, all the talk about one person, and in an effort not to be that person, i just dont say anything at all. honestly, i love talking about my new found passion, but dont want to wear the subject out so much that people get sick of it. its weird when life changes. people have a certain hostility to the change. though they are happy for the experiences and the new adventure, they are somewhat selfish...almost making one feel guilty for moving on. its not bad. i truly treasure all my friendships with people, but i am not sure where they will end up. i will have to make new friends in illinois, and that will change the dynamics of the friendships i currently have. i guess i dont write on here much anymore because i feel like i dont have much to say. I share most everything (if not everything) with Nat, which means i really dont have to talk to anyone else.
i really think this job was made for me. i still have much to learn, but i am confident that i will eventually catch on, and hopefully in not too far in the future that they cast me aside as a lost cause. i think i can be very successful in this business, but i have to put 150% into it, and that takes discipline and hard work, but it makes it alot easier when it is already something i am passionate about. it incorporates all these things i am good at...and yet it is still challenging and open ended. i really want to take this oppurtunity and go with it, and not slack and miss it.
see how it just seems like life is working out. I am seriously in awe of how much i can love one person, and how much i feel secure in a relationship with a guy. i am in awe of the timing, of both the man and the job. what could i possibily had done to make this happen, it was totally out of my control. I am just glad that I am working out the pressure to do what people think you should do. what do i really want? I dont want to miss out on things because i dont want to put anyone out (including my future husband). i have become so passive, its not bad, i like it, but i also dont want to miss out on anything because i want to make everyone happy...see how that "people pleasing" just creeps right in.
so what do i do? how do you figure out what you really want and how you really want to do something when you always have people giving their two cents. last time i checked, i was living my life. its so aggrevating, its a constant battle for me.
yaknow, i really feel like i am in a place where i want to get back on track with God, and its not for the usual reasons of "getting right because i was in the wrong" but I want to because I want to live a full life. I want to experience everything within the context of HIS love, because it is always better that way. Its for me. Not for anyone else. I went to church on sunday, and i had been dying to go for a while, and i was sitting there remembering why i barely went when i was in cincinnati, because it felt so lonely. I dunno, I want my relationship with GOD to be a different level, beyond just going to some random church because I feel like i need to, though i understand the importance of its community. I want to go so much deeper, and most churches dont offer that kind of experience, its something you truly have to seek out on your own. one thing i loved about the vineyard was the classes (like prayer training) which gave you a safe place to explore the depths of God beyond sunday morning. thats the kind of life i want, to dig deep into the heart of God, and in doing that, give others a safe haven to go deeper. I want to see others see God as a person rather than a deity. To allow HIM to penetrate their lives and hearts, which in turn transforms a life of a pharisee to a life of a disciple. To make it real and genuine and not just another thing to do on their "to-do" list.
one day at a time. thats all you can really do. cant have too many expectations. but to make the most with what is given and right in front of you.
love you all
c.ALIce