cut out for something

i know that i am cut out for something in life. i know that i meant to do and be wonderful and extra-ordinary. I really like working in graphics, but i am at such a disadvantage in comparison to my master teacher. its a bit overwhelming, and everytime they have me do something else i get a chill up my spine and an instant doubt of ability in my heart. i wonder where that comes from. it doesnt prevent me from doing it because at this point it is my means of survival, but at the same time, am i really where i need to be if i feel this way.
its a great oppurtunity, and this company (if it keeps going the way it is) will grow tremendously over the years. so being that i am literally the third employee (levi:owner, Joshy:master, me: amatuer), i am excited to be apart of it. what will the future hold. i just feel like everything i have ever wanted has fell into my lap in the last couple months. what did i do to deserve it all?? dont get me wrong, i am happy, but at the same timei am scared that it will all just stop one day...what establishment embedded that into our minds? church? school? society? why do we somehow inately feel that if something is going right it is bound and determined to be destroyed (because somehow life isnt "allowed" to be happy and simple. i dunno, but whoever it was should be shot!
well the trip is worth it, i am really learning alot, and more so encouraged and determined to surpass my teacher. i think that is my competitive spirit, cant allow anyone to be better than me. i dunno when i got that mentality, but i have it. i think it is really taking the oppurtunity and working hard to make something i want happen. now that i am in the place where it is right in front of me. i am determined to not throw it away for no reason.
one thing...(for all my girls that know what i am talking about)...WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING???? talk about settling!! for the comfort of all, the one i have now is FAR FAR FAR (times infinity) AND BEYOND more suitable for me. though i am grateful we are still friends, OHMIGOD, a girl can really convince herself of the most insane things. i think i have walked around life talking my heart into things, convincing it of falsity even though it knew, oh it KNEW, but practically forcing your own soul into isolation and desolution to get what you thought it wanted. how much easier life would be, if we could be so intune with our hearts, souls (thus ultimately creator) in order to truly know what to do, becasue i really think "we know" what we REALLY need to do. our soul tells us everyday, it longs for it with each breathe, we just look for other ways to accomplish the same affect but in the long run, after the heartache and hard lesson, we come back to the same place, where we decide, do we do what we KNOW we need to do, or do we try to find one more thing to occupy our hearts and thoughts in order to avoid the commitment to it. you know what i am talking about....what do you do in order to "run" from what you know is what your heart and soul long for? do you move to another city, thinking if you could just get a fresh start...do you worry about everything, work, school, career, where to go to dinner, what movie to watch?.....do you keep yourself so busy with anything and everything (even though sometimes it may seem "religious" and "worthy")?...do you find someone to spend your time with in order to talk and share openly about what you heart really wants? do you go to movies? run around the block? drive in your car? watch tv? ... do you stay away from people that may actually challenge you? do you go hang out with others that could care less either way?...do you just sit? read other books? paint? draw?... do you search adn search for a "Church home" and nice "christian community" in order to feel encouraged?...do you rely on your current circle of friends to guide and direct you (cause they have to have the answers, because they seem to have it together a helluva lot more than you do...and everyone knows that others peoples opinions are etched in stone as far as truth and insight.)...do you talk on the phone? do you invest time and money into service ( and when you do that, are you doing it because you want to feel good about seeing others less fortunate)...why dont we servant evagelise every saturday morning at golf courses? why do we go to homeless parks and corners of "less fortunate" people?? just a thought? why, even in our ministries, do we show bias...do people with money have less of need? Bible says the serve poor, feed hungry, go visit captives, take care of elderly....yet because its easier for a camel to go through eye of a needle...ya'll know the verse...i just wonder. you have a dream, your heart longs for SO much more, and something is holding you back, and that is probably you. You have a purpose, your heart is specifically designed for it...thats why each person has such unique and dynamic talents and abilities, did you think that is a fluke? what makes your heart jump? what brings about passion in your conversation? what is constantly on your mind? what thoughts of splendor do you contemplate on? why do you wait? why do you sit and wait for the best timing? i think that if you have the desire and the means, do it....waiting is just another excuse. if you never take the step of risk, and trust that even if your timing is off (do you think he will let you down?? especially if you are drawing towards him?)
there ya go, your encouragement for the day. something to ignite that fire in your souls...cause even though you may have poured water, sand, baking soda and tried everything to smother it out, its like Elijah's Fire from Heaven, it is still ignitible...just got to take the risk.
love ya
c.ALIce

yeah yeah, take your own advice.