flOOOOOHHHHrrridddaaaa....(zzzzZzZZZ)

i am exhausted. nothing like spending all day in an airport to make someone veering to get to work. i am tired. did i mention that? i have been tired alot lately actually, cant figure out what my problem is. i miss Nat. Two more weeks, thats all...then i can get a hug, and a kiss. Its amazing how much you can miss about someone. I am sure the vacation is doing him well, but I am anxious to get "home." so i started this little project, but I cant talk about it. i know, im evil, but i dont want to ruin the surprize!! I have been in Cincinnati all week pretty much, but unable to go anywhere because of my lack of transportation. It makes me feel helpless, but at the same time i really like it. i like not having the burden of a car payment or an insurance payment, there is a certain freedom in that. It doesnt make me want to work less, or unproductively, but it just allows my money to go elsewhere. The story is long and drawn out how i got here, why i made certain decisions and so on and so forth, but its my business.
i really feel like i am in a great place in my life. like i have been given a new start, with a companion to deal with me. i feel bad though. i feel in the process of pursuing this new avenue of life that i am slowly letting go of who i used to be. i have changed so much over the last 6 months, and learned much about myself and what i want (and that not being based on others opinions). i almost feel at a loss at trying to reconnect to people. i dont feel like i have anything to say, my life has changed. it has become what i didnt like about other friends, all the talk about one person, and in an effort not to be that person, i just dont say anything at all. honestly, i love talking about my new found passion, but dont want to wear the subject out so much that people get sick of it. its weird when life changes. people have a certain hostility to the change. though they are happy for the experiences and the new adventure, they are somewhat selfish...almost making one feel guilty for moving on. its not bad. i truly treasure all my friendships with people, but i am not sure where they will end up. i will have to make new friends in illinois, and that will change the dynamics of the friendships i currently have. i guess i dont write on here much anymore because i feel like i dont have much to say. I share most everything (if not everything) with Nat, which means i really dont have to talk to anyone else.
i really think this job was made for me. i still have much to learn, but i am confident that i will eventually catch on, and hopefully in not too far in the future that they cast me aside as a lost cause. i think i can be very successful in this business, but i have to put 150% into it, and that takes discipline and hard work, but it makes it alot easier when it is already something i am passionate about. it incorporates all these things i am good at...and yet it is still challenging and open ended. i really want to take this oppurtunity and go with it, and not slack and miss it.
see how it just seems like life is working out. I am seriously in awe of how much i can love one person, and how much i feel secure in a relationship with a guy. i am in awe of the timing, of both the man and the job. what could i possibily had done to make this happen, it was totally out of my control. I am just glad that I am working out the pressure to do what people think you should do. what do i really want? I dont want to miss out on things because i dont want to put anyone out (including my future husband). i have become so passive, its not bad, i like it, but i also dont want to miss out on anything because i want to make everyone happy...see how that "people pleasing" just creeps right in.
so what do i do? how do you figure out what you really want and how you really want to do something when you always have people giving their two cents. last time i checked, i was living my life. its so aggrevating, its a constant battle for me.
yaknow, i really feel like i am in a place where i want to get back on track with God, and its not for the usual reasons of "getting right because i was in the wrong" but I want to because I want to live a full life. I want to experience everything within the context of HIS love, because it is always better that way. Its for me. Not for anyone else. I went to church on sunday, and i had been dying to go for a while, and i was sitting there remembering why i barely went when i was in cincinnati, because it felt so lonely. I dunno, I want my relationship with GOD to be a different level, beyond just going to some random church because I feel like i need to, though i understand the importance of its community. I want to go so much deeper, and most churches dont offer that kind of experience, its something you truly have to seek out on your own. one thing i loved about the vineyard was the classes (like prayer training) which gave you a safe place to explore the depths of God beyond sunday morning. thats the kind of life i want, to dig deep into the heart of God, and in doing that, give others a safe haven to go deeper. I want to see others see God as a person rather than a deity. To allow HIM to penetrate their lives and hearts, which in turn transforms a life of a pharisee to a life of a disciple. To make it real and genuine and not just another thing to do on their "to-do" list.
one day at a time. thats all you can really do. cant have too many expectations. but to make the most with what is given and right in front of you.
love you all
c.ALIce