All Mixed Up

I am angry, frustrated, tired, stressed and grumpy...
No really people. please pay me for the tickets or I will start charging you INTEREST!! =) I have to pay it! Its been two weeks and I have not personally recieved any money except from my mother-in-law that will likely NOT come.
I have a dilemna in my life that frustrates the SHIT outta me. Out of respect for her business, i will not name names now, but BY GOD, if she does not cooperate much longer, I will plaster her name and business all over my blogs in bad light!! All I want is a copy! It is my legal right as a previous "employee" to have one, but my efforts to get one from her have failed up to this point. I am on the verge of sending over an officier to hand-deliver (and dont put it past me) I am stalled at PJS because until they see a copy of this information, they will not allow me to go and do my big project. That irritates me because they are resorting to people that have no idea what they are doing and produce less than satisfactory results. It also effects other areas of my life, where promising oppurtunities are blooming that will get me out of PJS and moving forward in getting out of debt and doing what I love. ALL I WANT IS A @!#@*@! COPY to review and seek out my options. I am trying to be patient, give space and not become overbearing, but IT IS EFFECTING MY LIFE IN TOO MANY WAYS!! I just want it over with...done, finished, complete.
So life was well, until this one dilemna dampers each and everyday and my control in the situation is futile and non-existant. The funny part, I dont believe she even has a copy....otherwise, what is the big deal? She is so paranoid that I am going to go out on my own and start up a studio---I am not crazy! I am pursuing other options for sure, but I am no threat by any means. It has no bearing....it is just really FRUSTRATING!!!

Otherwise? Well sometimes i really dont like being married. i would rather just run away from all my issues and problems and not have to deal with any of the above crap. Some things I wouldn't have to deal with in Cincinnati. Someone said that I was always miserable. Always looking for something to complain about--or always searching for something wrong. Have I always been like that? Someone said I wasn't trying---like grounding and rooting yourself somewhere is EASY to do --- forgive me if I still have my moments of adjustment! Its not like this particular person had to ever uproot and move, change, grow and start over. I decided to be here, I am here for really one reason...and when that reason is questioned then I want to leave, or leave and bring that reason with me. Yeah, I am a little resentful...its the devil in me. I guess one does not understand the emotional, physical and mental adjustments one needs to make in such a short amount of time. I am trying, I am picky when it comes to who I let in my life....I always have been, thats why I have great friends--no bullshit! I have a couple girls that I love and adore...but when is enough enough? How many friends do I have to have? How many jobs must I go through? How many nights do I have to sit bored and lonely before it hits me? I don't feel grounded. I feel like most of the time there is no plan....what to expect in the next 5 years, and no one to confirm my dreams, but the simple "what will be will be" -- you get nowhere in life waiting for it. Will we stay in Peoria for 5 years? 10 years? No way to answer, but do I seriously ever think we will move? no. is there talk of it? yes. does that put out mixed emotions? yes. Moving wouldnt help anyway.

I need people that truly care, respect, and admire me. I need to be a leader that others look up to. My love language is words of affirmation, hands down....i thrive in them, i roll around and laugh and smile when i know that i am loved--and that impacts every area of my life. I have great starter friends here, but they haven't necessarily gotten to that point yet. I feel like I am not myself anymore. I go to social functions and shy away into a corner--what fun is that? When did that start? I need a close knit community of people that I know will never let me down when I need them. I need to be stimulated emotionally in any other way than dealing with being here and wanting something else. I need to talk about dreams, aspirations, the future, the past...and laugh and cry with people that know where i have been and the potentially for where I am going.

I want to be pursued. I want to feel like life without me is desperate and meaningless. I dont want to be a roommate, or a social aquaintance, I want depth and rooted people. I want thoughts about me and how to make me happy, and actions that follow through. I dont want to do everything. I dont want to always be the one bringing it up. Makes me feel pyscho when I am the only one that seems to notice, or care. I want passion. Not that soap opera shit, but passion that confirms that I belong solely to one person and THE PASSING THOUGHT of me being with ANYONE else, is heartbreaking and utterly DEVESTATING...there shouldn't be an option there to even entertain the idea. It should be snuffed from the beginning...otherwise I see options. Pursued. Desired. Ravished.

I feel protected. I feel loved. I feel successful. I feel content. so what is my problem?

I detest living by other peoples rules. I want to work when I want to work and I want you to trust me that it will get done by the time you need it. I dont want to be called into the office when I did not call walking in the door 5 minutes late. I dont want to hear about it. I want people to not always assume that I can read their minds....you give me shit to work with, Ill give you shit in return. Dont get snobby with me....design your own ads if you think my ideas are shitty (btw, dont you know I am the best you got?) I want a job where my work is appreciated. I doubt I will get that anywhere.

Life is hard. People are selfish. Jobs suck. God seems absent and far far away. I feel this anger and frustration boiling up and I really feel like one day I am going to crack...maybe I am just PMSing.

I am SO tired. This entire week I have wanted to sleep all day. I just want to escape from my life--the stress of the dilemna, the thinking, that over-analyzing, the twists and turns that spin my head. I would like to not have to think about what is going to happen when, but I am a planner. If we have this now, I cant have that till later....and being stalemate in my life waiting for SOMETHING or SOMEONE to make a decision just grates my nerves. I can't make decisions on my own anymore. and I am tired....exhausted thinking about how life will be next month....next year...what if I cant get out of it...that means what? I have to be here another 4 years sulking in my miserable existence? moving would solve it....but as mentioned before, I dont see that ever happening. I want to be free from money, its hold on my future, its power over life. It is not even my money...or my lack thereof. I am trying...but it just seems I get one step forward and two steps back. I hate living above my means, cause in my means, I would be living with Cheryl or Mom. I dont know how other people do it....without there being two of us, I dont think we would survive. I guess you can add that to my resentful list.

So there is a crossroad in my life and three different directions I can take and I cannot take any because I AM WAITING ON OTHERS TO DETERMINE which way I am allowed to go. Do you know how @$#%!* FRUSTRATING that is??

C.Alice