say something

ugh! i know you have something to say about it....so SAY SOMETHING...am I hard to talk to?

i must be the most difficult person to be friends with...

I am sitting here and cant even think of what to write about. I have plenty on my mind, but it all seems so redundant...like i have gone over it a thousand times. As I said earlier, I am quite introspective. It is sometimes pretty irritating. I am thinking about myself and where I want to be and what I want to do. I dont like to wait for other people to take action or stop my life so that they can live theirs. I want to get on with my life. I am SICK of waiting...makes me comotose.
Nothing interesting happens in my life.
I like to have a plan. A weekly plan, a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan....I like each and every minute of my day packed full with SOMETHING--otherwise i am bored. I think i need counseling! I am a dabbler. I never fully commit to one thing or another, I dabble in everything. I like the variety of having different interests, maybe I am ADD. It is good and bad...one bad is that I am not an expert at anything, the good is that I have a little taste of everything.
Does everything just click one day? Will it all make sense? Will we wake up with a sense of adventure, purpose, destiny and be utterly fulfilled? God I hope one day it just happens.
What to do? What can I do to remedy my issues? I can go to a shrink that will reinerate the things I know I need to do. I have a problem with ultimate extremes. I am an all or nothing person in most regards. It is hard for me to find the balance...i need more balance.
I think I need a mini-trip. last weekend was nice, but not nearly enough...i want to be around my girls....although introspective, i want to be in the company of people that love me. To delve into deep and spiritual conversations...to feel connected to something.
I will ground myself one way or another...somewhere. Sandy is trying to convince me to join Junior League. Its like a service sorority. It may be a good way to find new friends and get involved in the community. I am going to church on Sunday by God, its been too long coming, and I ache for it so I figure now is a good time...rather go when I want, then when I dont.
Sandy and I are good friends. I love her. We have a lot in common. We get together and talk about our lives, encourage a healthy direction in life and laugh at each other. She is my God-send...my sanity...if it wasnt for her, I would be CRAZY.
I dont consider myself much of a talker. I dont talk to hear myself or talk about stupid crap and gossip just to have something to say. But I enjoy conversation. I wish I knew how to do it better. Maybe I should go to a socializing class. I was thinking about how I am with clients on a shoot. I have nothing interesting to say to spark conversation or put them at ease...it is nerve-wracking to be in silence sometimes. I think I need practice. I have been silent and in the shadows for so long, that I just need some major practice. If you think about my life and what I do, I dont have much oppurtunity to talk to people, not chat, but really talk. Sandy filled that void to a certain extent, but I cant rely on her for everything.
I was chatting with mom a couple weeks ago and she was reflecting on how I have certain people for certain aspects of my life. People that know me deeply in one way or another, but dont know each other, or other aspects. So no one person knows everything about me, but put them all in the same room, they might not know they are all talking about the same person. I like it...so I have Sandy, my married friend that can relate to me on a husband level, and a slight spiritual level (havent went into that much)...and Moni I guess is my crazy party friend...yeah i have more spots open...i think I will need to invest into more friends.
People should stop having low self-worth, it is irritating sometimes.
Am i saying anything worthy? interesting or anything? hell, I am not even funny right now....i am semi-comotose. Only a couple more hours to go before I get to leave. I really hope that I always get paid weekly...cause it really is the only thing that gets me through the week.

c.ALIce

bad blogger....those that leave no comment!

i am bored again! what is it about friday afternoons and utter boredom?? I am introspective lately...guess its time again to change. I decided to come play next weekend. I am not sure what time I will be there, it most likely wont be till 10 or 11 (hope you are not all wiped out by then). I am hoping that SOMEHOW I will get some blue ice cream while I am there...anyone have any ideas? Who all is coming to this Slumber Party? Do I need to bring anything?
I am trying to pay down debt. I have one credit card that I plan to pay off this year (and there are many more to follow)...it gets really frustrating, I just want them to not exist. My plan was to get out of debt totally (at least credit cards) before the thought of having a baby, but honestly I want to have kids now. I am turning 30 this year, and honestly I dont want to have kids when I am in my 40s---i want all my babies before I am 35. I have no control over it, which is really frustrating. I dont even know if it is possible for me (or Nat) to even concieve. Lots of talks about babies lately...but obviously its on the brain.
I am bored -- i want something to challenge, entertain, consume me and give my life some glimpse of purpose. Being raised Baptist really does a number on your value sometimes...those that were will understand.
I think I am on the verge of extreme behavior. Right now I am so fed-up and disgusted that I am about to take matters into my own hands to get things done. It wont be pretty, but actually in my opinion it will!! =)

the weekend

Thanks to all those that paid for tickets so far....much appreciated!
this weekend we went to mom's house for fourth of july. the entire family ends up coming and mom with her 11 brothers and sisters, and their kids, and their kids kids and their kids kids kids....yes...four generations of family...i would say there was at least 200 people there if not more. I will post some pictures when I get them off my camera. It is a long ass drive to get there. Nearly 9 hours. I drive down there and Nat drove back. If it wasnt for the long drive, it would be a much better weekend, but I suppose once a year isnt so bad. The weekend is exhausting because of the sleeping arrangements. Its hard to sleep in another bed other than my own, and unsettled dogs dont mix either...although this weekend they were all pretty well behaved. The girls were not allowed to run the hills this time...which minimized the stress of worrying about them all the time. I was hoping that I wouldn't start, but now at least I know for sure I am not pregnant. all well....as Nat says "it will be when its meant to"... Life right now seems all jumbled up. I want to be pregnant and have babies and move on with the next step of life, then I dont, not for sure where life will take me and scared of being tied down with babies. Apparently its not time yet....otherwise I would be. Being in constant preparation of it is somewhat irritating as well. Life has to change when you are pregnant, and never really knowing when you are or arent (except for now i know i am not)---but that only lasts a short while, then its hoping and stressing till i get disappointed/relieved again.
It is scary...no one can tell you its not....and you need a certain amount of planning....but not too much cause then it will never happen. I just am at this crossroads, and feeling more like I am on a tetter-tooter than solid ground. I think too much. I figure I am going to make the most of my life while I still have it!

Work is a little better. Changed my perspective a little bit and became a little more thankful that I have a nice career job that allows me to do something I like to do. Its not perfect, but it is where I am right now. I dont literally jump out of bed with glee and songs, but it pays the bills so we can have a better life in the long run.

Nat is always wonderful...he is nearly perfect in everyway, and I am still working on my thoughts. I think I am just in a rut right now feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him that is not work. not that i necessarily mind work, but i feel like we need to sorta reconnect, and I am not sure how to do that right now. So I am thinking that I stop thinking for a bit and take some of the stress off it. He just gets the brunt of everything cause when i am stressed or disappointment or depression, and then i feel guilty for giving him the brunt then the guilt and that stress wears me out so that I dont want to even deal with it....its a vicious cycle.

Ulitmately I decide how to live my life. No one is making me miserable, I am just not allowing myself to be happy.

Hump Day

I am so freaking excited!! I am leaving tomorrow to go to Kentucky for the weekend. I need a vacation from all this drama in life. I think the stress is making me so tired. Last night I got home directly after work, grabbed a bite to eat and was in bed by 6pm. Granted I was restless so I didnt get to sleep till 8pm, but even though my mind was going a million miles a minute, my body would not move. Today I decided to take a full day tomorrow rather than a half day tomorrow. I have been so bored this week that I figure it would be a waste of time to come in for 4 hours --- I have a list of things I could be doing instead. Maybe we could even leave tonight, but I doubt it. We have an MUCH NEEDED oil change scheduled for tomorrow at 12:30pm. I am sure we can go to some jiffy lube place though if we really wanted to leave.
Today we have our monthly ad contest. I won last month (May), and then won again for the month of June. So basically I dont have to take any vacation time to have tomorrow off....its FREE! That makes me feel even better. Little boost of self confidence just for winning.
I wrote another email to what's her name...I just dont understand why its so difficult. I am trying not to think about it. It really is frustrating.
So I am working on the menu for Sid's new restaurant. I think it will be fun! Little extra money on the side. I am also doing fairly well with my other project. I made a little money with it, nothing too extravagant, but more than I had! I figured I would let it sit in the bank till I decide what I was going to use it for.
I am pretty peaceful today. I think I really need to sleep all day yesterday. I also have something to look forward to for the weekend. I want to get back into church. I really think that may be my missing link. I have always known that. I even know which one I want to go to. I just have to remember that no one will be like Dave Workman, and that no church is perfect. I have to change my mindset a bit. It is about getting back into communion with God, thats what I really want...and creating a community that I can grow up with.

I am to blame

I take these issues and frustrations in one area of my life and put them on the other areas. I am putting all the blame on me. I feel like I create all the issues. I carry the burden of being in a frustrating marriage because I make things bigger than they are. I find all the issues. I was trying to write a letter today, in hopes that I could clarify how I really feel about it. And each time I tried to blame him for something he doesnt do, I realize that he does it, just in a different way. I am overly and abundantly blessed. I have a man that I love that truly adores me. No, he doesnt prove it to me every second of everyday, but I know he ultimately wants me/us to be happy. He is not intentionally sabotaging anything--that is all me. We have a very good marriage, not perfect by any means, but it is very good. I can focus in on all those issues and potentially find how each and every one of them stems from my issues and insecurities. Do I just not want to be happy? I have a steady job that is a means to an end. It is not perfect by any means either, but its rewarding in its own way. It is not a taxing job, it is not hard. I feel valued, even though I am low on the totum pole, i know that they would rather have me design something over someone else. I can't put my finger on why I am so discontent here. I dont plan on being here forever. Its just one step closer to where I potentially want to be, which I have yet really to figure out. I should be more thankful that I have a job that is there, that I make decent money at and is easy. I could challenge myself here if I so chose to. I could use all my down time to better myself and my skills. I think the core of my discontentment is that I am not happy with the person I am. I look in the mirror and dont see anything special. I dont see that incredible woman I know I could be. I see failure, disappointment, lazy and unmotivated. I feel unfulfilled because I am not living an overall fulfilling life....yes I have love, money (well enough--but there is never enough), a good job....but I dont have personal triumphs or a sense of personal accomplishment. I hold myself back from my own grandeur. I get so tired and overwhelmed with daily mundaneness that I forget I have dreams. I forget that I am better than I am. I forget that I have been through alot. I live in the past. I need to decide, commit and conquer those things in my life that pick away at my joy. Where did my joy go? Where did it come from in the first place? When was I truly my happiest? Why was I so happy? I blame myself for not being happy, cause I turn away from those things I dont want to face to develop new and more interesting problems. I try to sabatage myself by knit-picking the good parts of my life until that are not good anymore.
I could invest my life more and step out more. I dont want to do it alone. If i wanted to do it alone, I would have stayed single. I want my husband and I to share our lives...sometimes I feel like we just share space. He is not perfect (damn close, but not). I could go into my psycho-analysis of why I think he is the way he is, but its really none of your business. He is a good man and he loves me.
I want to feel substantial in life. I want to feel that my absense is unbearable. I want to feel like I offer something to my life, to my husband, to my friends, to my family, and to my passions. I keep longing for the past, knowing that it was good...unprepared and scared to look at the present in fear that it is not all that I expected or wanted, or thought I dreamed of. There is such a different picture for my future now...different than what it looked like from my past. I am not where I expected to be. Not doing what I thought I would...but I am happy...but its still not what I expected or thought I dreamed of. its reality, its good, but I know it can be better.
I take all the blame, cause I am the one to blame....apparently.