the weekend

Thanks to all those that paid for tickets so far....much appreciated!
this weekend we went to mom's house for fourth of july. the entire family ends up coming and mom with her 11 brothers and sisters, and their kids, and their kids kids and their kids kids kids....yes...four generations of family...i would say there was at least 200 people there if not more. I will post some pictures when I get them off my camera. It is a long ass drive to get there. Nearly 9 hours. I drive down there and Nat drove back. If it wasnt for the long drive, it would be a much better weekend, but I suppose once a year isnt so bad. The weekend is exhausting because of the sleeping arrangements. Its hard to sleep in another bed other than my own, and unsettled dogs dont mix either...although this weekend they were all pretty well behaved. The girls were not allowed to run the hills this time...which minimized the stress of worrying about them all the time. I was hoping that I wouldn't start, but now at least I know for sure I am not pregnant. all well....as Nat says "it will be when its meant to"... Life right now seems all jumbled up. I want to be pregnant and have babies and move on with the next step of life, then I dont, not for sure where life will take me and scared of being tied down with babies. Apparently its not time yet....otherwise I would be. Being in constant preparation of it is somewhat irritating as well. Life has to change when you are pregnant, and never really knowing when you are or arent (except for now i know i am not)---but that only lasts a short while, then its hoping and stressing till i get disappointed/relieved again.
It is scary...no one can tell you its not....and you need a certain amount of planning....but not too much cause then it will never happen. I just am at this crossroads, and feeling more like I am on a tetter-tooter than solid ground. I think too much. I figure I am going to make the most of my life while I still have it!

Work is a little better. Changed my perspective a little bit and became a little more thankful that I have a nice career job that allows me to do something I like to do. Its not perfect, but it is where I am right now. I dont literally jump out of bed with glee and songs, but it pays the bills so we can have a better life in the long run.

Nat is always wonderful...he is nearly perfect in everyway, and I am still working on my thoughts. I think I am just in a rut right now feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him that is not work. not that i necessarily mind work, but i feel like we need to sorta reconnect, and I am not sure how to do that right now. So I am thinking that I stop thinking for a bit and take some of the stress off it. He just gets the brunt of everything cause when i am stressed or disappointment or depression, and then i feel guilty for giving him the brunt then the guilt and that stress wears me out so that I dont want to even deal with it....its a vicious cycle.

Ulitmately I decide how to live my life. No one is making me miserable, I am just not allowing myself to be happy.