I am to blame

I take these issues and frustrations in one area of my life and put them on the other areas. I am putting all the blame on me. I feel like I create all the issues. I carry the burden of being in a frustrating marriage because I make things bigger than they are. I find all the issues. I was trying to write a letter today, in hopes that I could clarify how I really feel about it. And each time I tried to blame him for something he doesnt do, I realize that he does it, just in a different way. I am overly and abundantly blessed. I have a man that I love that truly adores me. No, he doesnt prove it to me every second of everyday, but I know he ultimately wants me/us to be happy. He is not intentionally sabotaging anything--that is all me. We have a very good marriage, not perfect by any means, but it is very good. I can focus in on all those issues and potentially find how each and every one of them stems from my issues and insecurities. Do I just not want to be happy? I have a steady job that is a means to an end. It is not perfect by any means either, but its rewarding in its own way. It is not a taxing job, it is not hard. I feel valued, even though I am low on the totum pole, i know that they would rather have me design something over someone else. I can't put my finger on why I am so discontent here. I dont plan on being here forever. Its just one step closer to where I potentially want to be, which I have yet really to figure out. I should be more thankful that I have a job that is there, that I make decent money at and is easy. I could challenge myself here if I so chose to. I could use all my down time to better myself and my skills. I think the core of my discontentment is that I am not happy with the person I am. I look in the mirror and dont see anything special. I dont see that incredible woman I know I could be. I see failure, disappointment, lazy and unmotivated. I feel unfulfilled because I am not living an overall fulfilling life....yes I have love, money (well enough--but there is never enough), a good job....but I dont have personal triumphs or a sense of personal accomplishment. I hold myself back from my own grandeur. I get so tired and overwhelmed with daily mundaneness that I forget I have dreams. I forget that I am better than I am. I forget that I have been through alot. I live in the past. I need to decide, commit and conquer those things in my life that pick away at my joy. Where did my joy go? Where did it come from in the first place? When was I truly my happiest? Why was I so happy? I blame myself for not being happy, cause I turn away from those things I dont want to face to develop new and more interesting problems. I try to sabatage myself by knit-picking the good parts of my life until that are not good anymore.
I could invest my life more and step out more. I dont want to do it alone. If i wanted to do it alone, I would have stayed single. I want my husband and I to share our lives...sometimes I feel like we just share space. He is not perfect (damn close, but not). I could go into my psycho-analysis of why I think he is the way he is, but its really none of your business. He is a good man and he loves me.
I want to feel substantial in life. I want to feel that my absense is unbearable. I want to feel like I offer something to my life, to my husband, to my friends, to my family, and to my passions. I keep longing for the past, knowing that it was good...unprepared and scared to look at the present in fear that it is not all that I expected or wanted, or thought I dreamed of. There is such a different picture for my future now...different than what it looked like from my past. I am not where I expected to be. Not doing what I thought I would...but I am happy...but its still not what I expected or thought I dreamed of. its reality, its good, but I know it can be better.
I take all the blame, cause I am the one to blame....apparently.