So since i have been back to Ohio, I cant decide if i am mad because my life got turned upside down or because my plans had to accommodate. There is really no reason to be mad, I am surrounded by friends and family that support me and want the best for me. Carol is definately the most hard-pressing on the issue, she basically wants to carry the photography business so I will stop stalling on it.
I went a couple weeks ago to a wedding with a photographer in Cincinnati. I thought it was fun, sorta. 10 hour wedding days are long and ridiculous...and boring. It was fun to look through my camera and see the image...i even considered for a split second to change up all my equipment from nikon to canon to accommodate a need to fit in(or have axcess to others equipment that may or may not share). I could not bring myself to do it.
1. I know Nikon, I can get inside the and change settings like no tomorrow and i have a fairly good idea what it will do.
2. Carol said something that stuck, and as snobbish as it may sound...Canons are for amatuers...that is totally wrong and uncalled for because there are SO many excellent photographers that use canon...but I like to have an elitest prespective. Maybe one day I will switch, but now, I think ill stick to what i have.
So i figured something out about me this week. Well a few things.
I can't except people to knock down my door with oppurtunities unless i put myself out there.
I found that I am talented, but living a lie.
I found that life will never work how you want it to.
i found that I am way more concerned with success than what may be right.
I get hurt when my friends dont consider me as asset. I have a four-year degree in photography...why would ANYONE else take your pictures? Probably because I bitch and moan and dont make myself available. I am scared to death I will screw it all up or not measure up...then in retrospect i see how much better i am. I think as a photographer you have to be somewhat cocky...I have not been so cocky lately and it has cost me experience. I need to take more pictures, I need to get past this stupid "unqualified" feeling.
I am talented damnit! After seeing some in action, I realized that "its not that hard". I am making a mountain out of a molehill. People appreciate good pictures, I know I can take them....I just need more so they can be properly convinced. the more is hard...i feel like i dont have a lot of time.
Plans change. 3 months ago we were in Peoria, planning how to finish decorating our house, what new project to conquer and conscienciously trying to get pregnant. Why not? We are married, we have a house, steady jobs and its the natural progression of life. We are not 21 anymore, if we want to have the ability to run and play, we should probably have them soon...and that plural so we need time to have, adjust, have adjust...then we move. Bad decision? nah. Hard decision? nah. tough on pre-planned events. yeah. I like being here, I think its best for me and him and our future, but its hard starting over. I was comfortable, life was predictable, i was growing...My plans got ruffled. I live with my sister...which is fine, but not the ideal situation for babies...its already crowded, we cant buy house till we sell the other one, which may be 10 months or 10 years...we havent really even decided if we will stay in Cincinnati once renters move out and we find it difficult to maintain mortgage with living here. its complicated...too much thinking.
Finally, I am a success junkie I think. so i have this job where i have a business that i run for someone else. it pays the bills, and its sorta like working for a corporate society without actually working there. It has its perks. I dont feel super qualified for what I am doing, it is a huge learning curve and requires organization and etiquette...neither of which i have a gold-star in. It will potentially be something incredible...one day...In the meantime I am dealing with the fact its not my dream. I am living out someone else's mighty plans. Its ok though, I get my share, but its still hard...I would rather be doing something for me...something i put off maybe for the rest of my life. I really love photography, but do i want it as a career to get burnt out and hate it? maybe its more to do with the passion of doing it, then doing it full time..
So Nat and I have been attempted to get pregnant for nearly 8 months. Hell, I got it down to the day and calculated the cycle for optimum potential. sad i know...i dont want to have a baby right now. i dont feel like we are in a place in life prepared for it, i think there are other issues we need to figure out...i am not ready to live my life into the hands of mini-me...i need more vacations first! i know how it changes life...i am dumb enough to think it wont -- but it will. I dont want the responsibiblity and i dont see how it fits right now because I havent figured me out yet. despite all that, i want to get pregnant...because i am a success junkie. I want to know that it is possible. i want to know that I can be good at it or something. I like the idea more for the special treatment aspect than the baby aspect. Nat doesnt seem to concerned about not having kids right this second. i know the grandparents are anxious...I just want to know what its like, know that it can happen, and then go on with my life. Now dont go getting all hot and bothered if you find out tomorrow or next month that we have been sucessful in concieving, its meant to be...i just dont have any control over it.
I think that will do for today...happy reading!
Mrs. P
