Monday, November 28, 2005

to be thankful

yeah i realize thanksgiving was a couple days back, but reflection time is now. i am so thankful for everything i have in my life, love, family, friends, work, and shelter. i really miss everyone back home in ohio. i am not by any means miserable here, but i realize how much i have there. i love my family and it kills me that i cant just run home on a whim. even if i wanted to, i dont have a car. i miss going to fridays with emma on tuesdays. i miss dancing on the weekends. i miss monday dinners with carol, cindy and kate. i miss random movies and blue ice cream with sa. i wish i was close enough to drive up to columbus when i KNOW amber needs a hug, and a good friend. i am jealous. i am jealous that i am not apart of that anymore. i am jealous that i feel left out. even when i am there it seems awkward sometimes, that the connection is just not there anymore, or takes more time to renew. i dont have anyone up here that i can just go talk to. granted, i havent really made an effort because frankly i am lazy. but then i think, no one, no matter what, cant compare to those i have in my heart, living back home. i want to be closer to my parents. i want to be closer to my friends. i want to be closer to God. i chose to be here, and i dont regret that at all. i love Nat and i want to be with him, and in order to be with him, i need to be here. just a growing pain i guess.
the weekend went very well. it was nice to spend time with my family. i made an awesome thanksgiving dinner (with help) and played cards and adopted yet another puppy. today, i really wonder how long that will last. they are driving me crazy!!! but cute, which doubled the problem. etta knows when she has done something bad, queeny/sadie is a quiet riot (she looks innocent, but i have seen with my own two eyes her instigate), and shyla is of course perfect. dad isnt doing well. people ask, how is your dad, and i guess all i can say is he is having a good day or a bad day. he will always be sick. i cant imagine how frustrating it is. i feel for him. my honey has been sick, and i feel helpless because i cant do anything about it. he is getting better though. i felt bad yesterday, i knew he wanted to go home and i wanted to stay in ohio and go to a movie with my sisters and see kate, so i drugged him and left him. i felt so guilty because i was not catering to him, which isnt a chore by any means. i think he understood. i think thats the first time i knew what he wanted and did what i wanted despite him....its not a good feeling. its not like i have sacrificed my life and my desires, dont get the wrong idea. i just want to make him happy.
i did write a blog again last week, but of course the internet wasnt cooperating with me. it wasnt alot. just talking about the regret blog (see previous). i know that it is ultimately up to me, and i really shouldnt depend on others or worry about what they will think. but its a special occassion and i want to do it right, and i do have to consider those closest to me. its ok, the blog made it out to be much worse than it is. i was just frustrated.
i am really tired, and i think i am going to take a nap and work a little later. i work much better at night (though my boss says i need to be there in the am for clients, even though i dont have contact with them. psycho i tell you.
i love you all. you all are so special to me, if you forgot refer back to sister blogs. i hold you all deep in my heart and i wish i could be a better friend.
c.ALIce

1 comment:

SarahBethWhite said...

i miss you and love you a whole lot.. STILL and always. I'll always ahve a special place for you as one of my favoritist people :) I remember telling you awhile back that I never wanted to stop writing you emails and encouraging you. I'm sorry that I havent been doing that. I'm such a slacker! BLAST! I know you know thats where youre supposed to be.. if it wasnt youd be here.
So I'm gonna give you some advice that youd probably say to me...
GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUM AND GO MAKE SOME FRIENDS!
Life will only be as fun as you make it.
(Yeah I know..like i should really be talking...)

with your true heart devoted to Him just watch and see that what He gives is exactly what you truly wanted but dared not dream to ask for

i love you love you