moving home

i am sure the title alone has most of you anticipating my return. though i am not sure what i am supposed to learn from this experience, its none the less a irrevocable lesson. I went home for thanksgiving and i was very sad to leave. i love being around people that i love and that love me. i love spending time with my family and seeing freinds and having a good ol time just existing together. i almost dreaded the ride home, back to tremont, back to work, back to no friends, back to nothing really. I was literally crying on the inside because i wanted so much, as i did while in california to come home. to come back to that place where everything is established. you have friends, you have family, you have a church you love and believe in, etc etc etc. But then there is the other side of my heart, which is Nat. I have to admit, i have not made any suffucent effort to go and make friends. I have actually been quite content in not doing anything, one cause i was broke and couldnt afford to even if i wanted to, and two, cause i was consumed by the new adventure in my life, namely Nat. I am amazed how fortunate i am to have him in my life. i dont even think that i can describe in words how awesome he is. i wish that you, my family, my community could really get to know him. to prode into him about his loves and passions and heart. To see why it is a truly chose him above anyone else. So i talked to a good friend about my desire to move back to cincinnati and drag Nat along with me. I guess its the hardest lesson to learn that my life is not my own now, i have committed to him and plan on being with him for a long time, yet it is still hard to put aside my desires. i have lived driven by them for so long. I have all these high expectations in my head, how it would be back in cinci with Nat. then i think about all the high expectations i had for any other adventure I have done; ie, california, campbellsville, covington, florida, russia etc etc etc. They never seem to work out as planned. anyway, i suppose its a lesson on submissiveness. not in a bad way, just a harder way. its alot easier to move back to cinci, get back into old routine with same ol friends, same ol life...yada yada yada. I have made no effort to meet people here. I have been here since august and the only person i know is Nat. sometimes i think i am smothering him, and sometimes i think i am smothering myself. I dont think that my desire is necessarily for people to hang out with. My desire is for ministry, to impact lives and delve deep into my spirituality by creating an encouraging community of like-minded believers that i can touch in less that a 6 hour drive. I put it off, thinking, after we sell the house and get settled, after i get to a certain point in my life, after this, after that. so basically, i have to start from scratch, and no matter where i have gone in my adventures, i dont think i have ever really had to do that.
So i am going to submit to the circumstances of life and stay here. there is no telling how long or even where we will end up. Its like i have to redefine myself as someone other than chrissi from cincinnati, the rebel, the "_______" (fill in the blank). I am redefining myself as Nat's wife, a mother, an encourager, someone that stands up with what is right. I have longed since before i went to california for a safe place to redefine myself. to escape from the constant eye of those that have always been there (no offense). a safe place to explore who i am when i am nothing. what will i do? will i sit passively on the sidelines waiting for life to come to me, or will i make life what i want it to be? will i continue to live my life by my own devices, or will i actually trust that HE knows what HE is doing. Who am i when no one knows who i am? does that make sense?? i will always be me, thats inevitable...but when given the freedom to spread my wings and really fly as an individual, seperated from the old and stepping into the new unknowingly. its like a blank canvas really. i just sorta stare at it waiting for it to paint itself. getting frustrated because nothing is coming. when it all starts with the stroke of a brush.
so staying here is not a curse. its not holding me back, its not preventing me from anything, if anything, it is the clean slate i have been praying for. its all the newness of life at my command, what will i make of myself? I hope that me being here only strengthens my relationships with those back home. that we will talk more, share more, love more boldly...does community consist only in a specific area? can it transcend miles and hours? my core group (you know who you are) will always be. i cant imagine not continuing my life without you in it. i know i need to make a better effort at being closer to you all despite the distance, and i want to be apart of this great adventure in your lives, please help keep me accountable.
love you all
c.ALIce