church

so in an attempt to find a community here i went to church this morning. I went to new life christian church in morton, its only about 10 minutes away. i was sitting there thinking that my finding a church isnt about where i can be helped, but where i can help others. i would like to be involved in something that is relevant and life changing. I dont want to go to church to appease people, i want to go to church to grow deeper in my relationship with God and encourage others in the process. i was sitting there jealous of the ministry brewing in cincinnati with the crew, yet i know if i was there i would have no place. I was thinking that going to church was a mission for me to reach out to people rather than for people to reach out to me. then the sermon started. the title was gatherings, the first of a 4 part series. the pastor was talking about how we needed to be ambassadors for christ this christmas season, and take every oppurtunity to let those around us know the true story of christ and his sacrifice. my insides were fuming. the entire message was so redundant. i suppose i have had that same thought drilled into me for years. maybe my bitterness for church and my liberal ideas were full force. i wasnt mad at them, i wasnt angry at the people sitting there desiring to coem closer to God. i think i was angry that it was all about the christmas season and that they were teaching that converting people to christianity was our ultimate goal. maybe so, but how? do we do it once a year? do we do it by forcing ourselves to do kind things, that arent from the heart? i am sure they had the best of intentions. my expectations are just too high.
i want to find a place where people are searching deeper than sunday morning. that people desire a lifestyle of living for Christ. i wish i could be that person as well.
Nevermind, that makes no sense at all. i just wish i could go to a church that had relevant messages about my life and where i am and not about the best methods in order to convert/convince people to choose christianity. i guess it bothers me that the sermon was not about creating genuine relationships with people with no hidden agenda.
i dunno what i am thinking. i know i am not going to walk into a perfect church or that it will fall into my lap with no effort. but i think i just want something authentic and not a cookie cutter church to make me feel better.
c.ALIce