Oh to be in love

Oh to be in love. How romantic movies have such a different meaning. How life changes, grey always has a shade of blue in it. How did i get so incredibly blessed? What did i ever do in life to have the ultimate priviledge to be loved like i am loved. Its like God made me like a puzzle piece and he made Nat to fit snuggly with me so perfectly. The way he pushes me so gently for me to go towards my goals and dreams. How he is keeps me accountable yet not in a dominating or controlling way. I am sure we have/will have our issues and problems. But who can treat me in such a way where exposing every aspect of myself, good and bad, could feel so safe. I love the way he deals with me, the way he talks to me, the way he gets me to talk, when his sixth sense tells him i really need someone to pull it out. Its like he read the book that is Chrissi, highlighted the most important parts and understood the context. There is no other way to describe it but miraculous.
I wish that I was near you all, that you could witness the truth of the matter. I know that it must be difficult to look in from the outside and not be here to see up close the dynamics of the life we lead. To look from afar and be separate in a sense. I feel as if my entire life has led me to this moment. Every step, struggle and new thought and adventure has bought me to this point in life. Who would I be if i didnt pursue something that i believed in. Would i not still be continuing to run away from my true identity?
What do i want to accomplish in life? What are my true desires? How can one possibly find a partner if they dont have a real idea of who they are? Maybe its not "finding" who you are, maybe its the gift of having the "freedom" to be who you are. For example, I didnt want to bear children or have a family till i met Nat. i was too much of a "free spirit" to stay in one place (especially one as dull as tremont). As a defense i convinced myself of my parental inadequacy. Now, I am somewhat anxious. Its like all teh lies have i been living all the false pretenses i portrayed were erased. Somehow I was free to be me. i didnt have to pretend to be a hardass. I dont know how he did it, but he saved me. He allowed me to be who i was without judgement or assumptions, but with acceptance and support. I guess over time and through my experiences I grew hard that "love" or hope of a future mate could happen. I doubted my worth to be taken care of and loved by any man. I resisted trusting anyone (even those closest to me) becasue it didnt hurt as bad when they rejected my alter ego-that meant my heart was safe-but slowly dying inside. Its strange, sometimes you can get so accustomed to living a lie, it becomes truth. I know what it is like to live a lie. There is a hidden weight there, a burden to carry, most people dont ever realize it. The beauty of it is that when it is gone, there is no denying that its gone. I am living in peace, beauty and security. That is a gift from God. And funny that it is the meaning of his name.