I am sitting here and cant even think of what to write about. I have plenty on my mind, but it all seems so redundant...like i have gone over it a thousand times. As I said earlier, I am quite introspective. It is sometimes pretty irritating. I am thinking about myself and where I want to be and what I want to do. I dont like to wait for other people to take action or stop my life so that they can live theirs. I want to get on with my life. I am SICK of waiting...makes me comotose.
Nothing interesting happens in my life.
I like to have a plan. A weekly plan, a 5 year plan, a 10 year plan....I like each and every minute of my day packed full with SOMETHING--otherwise i am bored. I think i need counseling! I am a dabbler. I never fully commit to one thing or another, I dabble in everything. I like the variety of having different interests, maybe I am ADD. It is good and bad...one bad is that I am not an expert at anything, the good is that I have a little taste of everything.
Does everything just click one day? Will it all make sense? Will we wake up with a sense of adventure, purpose, destiny and be utterly fulfilled? God I hope one day it just happens.
What to do? What can I do to remedy my issues? I can go to a shrink that will reinerate the things I know I need to do. I have a problem with ultimate extremes. I am an all or nothing person in most regards. It is hard for me to find the balance...i need more balance.
I think I need a mini-trip. last weekend was nice, but not nearly enough...i want to be around my girls....although introspective, i want to be in the company of people that love me. To delve into deep and spiritual conversations...to feel connected to something.
I will ground myself one way or another...somewhere. Sandy is trying to convince me to join Junior League. Its like a service sorority. It may be a good way to find new friends and get involved in the community. I am going to church on Sunday by God, its been too long coming, and I ache for it so I figure now is a good time...rather go when I want, then when I dont.
Sandy and I are good friends. I love her. We have a lot in common. We get together and talk about our lives, encourage a healthy direction in life and laugh at each other. She is my God-send...my sanity...if it wasnt for her, I would be CRAZY.
I dont consider myself much of a talker. I dont talk to hear myself or talk about stupid crap and gossip just to have something to say. But I enjoy conversation. I wish I knew how to do it better. Maybe I should go to a socializing class. I was thinking about how I am with clients on a shoot. I have nothing interesting to say to spark conversation or put them at ease...it is nerve-wracking to be in silence sometimes. I think I need practice. I have been silent and in the shadows for so long, that I just need some major practice. If you think about my life and what I do, I dont have much oppurtunity to talk to people, not chat, but really talk. Sandy filled that void to a certain extent, but I cant rely on her for everything.
I was chatting with mom a couple weeks ago and she was reflecting on how I have certain people for certain aspects of my life. People that know me deeply in one way or another, but dont know each other, or other aspects. So no one person knows everything about me, but put them all in the same room, they might not know they are all talking about the same person. I like it...so I have Sandy, my married friend that can relate to me on a husband level, and a slight spiritual level (havent went into that much)...and Moni I guess is my crazy party friend...yeah i have more spots open...i think I will need to invest into more friends.
People should stop having low self-worth, it is irritating sometimes.
Am i saying anything worthy? interesting or anything? hell, I am not even funny right now....i am semi-comotose. Only a couple more hours to go before I get to leave. I really hope that I always get paid weekly...cause it really is the only thing that gets me through the week.

c.ALIce