house sitting and the end

I have been sitting this house for a couple days. It is somewhat relaxing but at the same time, very lonely. I hate not having any friends nor being surrounded by people I love. Joel was off last night so Vanessa hung out with him. We are supposed to go to church tonight. I miss it. Ya know that feeling I had before I left Cincinnat, that anxioiusness of getting on with life, and here I am again waiting. I waited for carols graduation, even though I could have left earlier. Now I am waiting for the timing to fall into place, and for tiffany to find a roommate. I cant leave before then. I hope she understands that if she will not take my suggestions for roommates that I will leave despite the fact she hasn’t found someone on her own because she I not taking up my suggestions. She says she doesn’t want to live with some psycho, but I don’t understand the difference in living with someone you don’t know that someone you know suggested, or living with someone you don’t know at all. It all has to do with how she wants to decorate the apartment. She doesn’t want someone else coming in and destroying her plans. I really didn’t care, so I spoiled her. If she wants that much control, she should get an apartment just for her. I would like to help her in this search but I feel helpless. Maybe I should just go ahead and introduce her to certain people. I am sure that none of them will be up to her standards because I picked them out. Oh how frustrating. What can I really do? She will never know whether or not she likes someone until she meets them anyway. Ugh!! I don’t know what to do!!! I emailed her the emails and she emailed me back saying that it was pissing her off.
I think I figured it out. Tiffany loves me, but she loves an idea of who she thinks I am, not who I am. She loves the person I was at new bethel when I can 15-16, but like many in regards to her, she didn’t allow me to change. She thinks I am that person now, and I am not. I have grown up since then, I am not the person she thinks I am. I always wondered how we were even friends…we are so opposites. I really think it will be best in my life to let her go. I don’t think that we will be friends after this, a lot to do with the frustration and pain I caused her, but also, its past. Sometimes in life you have to let go of people, its just the way life goes.