i really despise conflict. i have a really hard time living in an environment of hostility or tension. that is one reason i stayed away from home so much, although my parents love each other, they also love to bicker, and i just cant stand it. i dont regret alot in my life, but anything that hurts other people that i love, especially when it is ultimately my doing is something i regret. at this point its almost like the point of no return. i dont regret coming, i just regret that way it ended up being. i can't be perfect, and i also have to live my life. i just wish she would understand my perspective. but she wont no matter how hard i could try to explain it to her. life is too short to wait around. unfortunately she happened to be the person at a certain time in my life in which i realize things about me. i have learned a very valuable lesson in all this, but that will never make it ok. i know i am too much of a drifter to commit to anything, scares the shit outta me. i have no idea how to make it right, yet still live my life. i could say i just dont care, but i do. if i didnt care, it wouldnt hurt so bad. she thinks i think we are in the same situation, yet to the best of my knowledge i didnt say that. i know where she is, i see her perspective, i see her lack of trust in one more person scarring her for life. i cant talk to her though. i just sit there with all the conversations in my head, but no vocal cords. maybe i am wrong to think that me trying to do anything is worth it. i have had a migraine for days, probably deserve it right girl?
i am non-confrontational. when it comes to me, i run, i hide or i be as quiet as possible hoping it will pass away. just one more flaw. most of you know how long it takes me to open up, and the persistance you have to have to get me to admit or talk about anything. i am such a secretive person. no one knows everything about me, its all little bits and peices, and i have always been like that.
it doesnt matter how long i stay (because ultimately we will go through the same fight, if it was august or december), how well i try to explain it all, how great of a person i may be...at this point, it feels worthless. you know if she would support me and say "chrissi, i love you enough for you to be happy, and i think that this is a great oppurtunity for you and you should totally live your life out to your fullest and do what makes you happy" i think i would be alot more apt to stay and help her as much as i can. but since it came off to me like my desires were null since they didnt work out with hers, it makes me fight her more. she has never once said anything to support my decision, but more and more talk about how i am fucking up her life. thats what bothers me the most...i just want her to support my decision. despite all that, i know she reads this, and i know she is probably fuming thinking that i have it all wrong. believe me, i know, i am not "retarded" i dont have a skewed perspective, i see all the angles. dont think that just because i havent been on my own since 19 that i am nieve to how the world revolves. but again, i am sorry, sorry to leave in such short notice, sorry you cant trust me, sorry i am unreliable, sorry i fucked up one more time in regards to you, sorry that i am selfish, sorry i am not happy in la, sorry that i dont tell you everything, sorry that it happened this way, sorry i am who i am, sorry that i dont know how to potty train dogs, sorry i dont know how to do dishes right, sorry i moved things, sorry for "breathing", sorry for taking up your personal space for such a long time, sorry that this whole situation is not what you expected, sorry that i dont want to wait around, sorry that i packed (like a retard) without telling you, sorry i didnt tell you sooner, sorry the oppurtunity presented itself, sorry for not knowing how to deal with confrontation, sorry for disappointing you, sorry for not fulfilling all our pipe dreams, i am just sorry. but it just doesnt seem to make a difference.
c.ALIce
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